Crazed

So I broke no contact- I called this morning to wish happy valentines day. The call actually went OK. She is back at work, today is the last day she has her license, and she has 3 hrs per night of therapy at a rehab clinic. She told me she is doing Ok, misses and loves me, and is hopeful for a future together. She sounded clear headed. Maybe she means it this time, maybe she doesnt. I miss her. Sponsor, therapist, etc are all still insistent on no contact, which I think is healthy for both of us. But still, my compulsion to call got the best of me.

No contact has been good. I have been obsessing much less, and spending a lot of time with work, Alanon and reading. I am working on getting a sponsor. And this week I started doing something I haven't done in a long time- spending money ON ME. Lots of it. I got and awesome new reading chair and ottoman for my bedroom. New guitar equipment is coming via UPS tomorrow. And next week I will be upgrading my spa heater for the pool. Then off to remodeling my master bathroom.

Sorry, no candy, flowers or Sherri's berries for the EXAG this year. But I still miss her.

LexieCat

One thing about relapses--and it goes here, as well as for alcoholics. They tend to FEED the addiction. Just because this call "went OK" doesn't mean that it's now OK to call her or email her or show up on her doorstep. I know you know this, but you gotta REALLY know it. One of the reasons I need to stay away from the first drink is that I know the first one would be "OK". Then a little while later, as that "OK-ness" works on my brain, I would try it again. You get the picture.

So you had a slip, redouble your determination.

And Happy Valentine's Day. Spend a little energy loving yourself.

marie1960

Good to hear from you Crazed, I was wondering how you are doing.

Also glad to hear you are focusing on yourself.

Wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day.

Keep taking care of YOU!

ShootingStar1

What great things you are doing for yourself, Crazed! Way to go! Now, for the rest of the day, just be your own Valentine, and forget your XAGF. You are worth it! And focusing on yourself has already brought so much more peace than you used to show in your earlier posts.

ShootingStar1

Rosiepetal

Good for you for doing nice things for yourself & focusing on your future.
Just keep doing what you're doing - which is just great.

Crazed

Thanks all. Had my parents and 3 of their friends over this evening. Cooked a nice dinner, had a few cocktails, then we watched the new Bourne movie (it is sort of cool to watch movies here, as I spent 2 years building a theater room as an addition on the house). Bittersweet memories, as is was me and my EXAG's project.... Even made some home-made chocolate chip cookies this afternoon for dessert.

All in all, it was a good day.

CentralOhioDad

Sounds like you are doing well - that's nice to hear. The tone of your emails is much calmer now. You had some people over, you entertained, you had fun. That's what it's all about.

You've made great strides since coming here. Good for you!

C-OH Dad

AtATotalLoss

Crazed - I've been following your posts for a while and I respect how hurt you are and how much you're struggling. But I just have a question. What is it that you are getting out of this? What does keeping this toxic person in your life do for you? Part of what I have learned in my own life experiences is that we humans rarely do something without getting some kind of payback for ourselves. So, why are you feeling compelled to keep her being part of your life? Just trying to find some understanding here...
Hope you're having a better day today!!

Crazed

Currently, I am asking myself the same question... I get nothing out of this relationship NOW. While everyone has heard this before, she is wonderful when not in her disease. Over the past 5 years, she would go for many months (from like 3 to 6) with no drinking, chaos, drama. During this time we really fit well together as loving partners. Late in 2011 and early in 2012 was when these periods became shorter, until it was every time I went out of town for work. This caused my behavior to change as well. I can honestly say that during 2012, neither one of us was getting what we needed from each other. By the time she went to rehab in March 2012, I was pretty over it, but still supported her. When she got out, I was sucked into the thinking that "she was cured," and we would live happily ever after. Never did I think that I had any issues that could prevent this.

She is not physically or emotionally abusive, she just cannot stop drinking. And when she is in her disease she lies about it and drives drunk. I think she really does want to be sober, she just can't seem to get it right.

On the other hand, I have come down off my high horse and started to understand my destructive behaviors in the relationship. From what I am learning on this site, I often behave like an alcholic behaves (emotionally unavailable, selfish, etc). It has always been easy to blame it all on her and her drinking. But quite honestly, I can be (sometimes often) a *****. Especially to her and her kids. It has been painful for me to come to this realization, but it has been helpful.

I guess what I would like is for us both to be able to give to each other what we couldn't in the past due to our sicknesses. Granted that may never be possible due to all the past damage that has been done. We may always love each other, but never be able to be together.

Crazed

From a more tangible (and perhaps shallow) standpoint, she is beautiful and successful (even through all of drinking). We share so many of the same interests. We are active scuba divers, and have dove around the world together- I would trust my life to her (and have) underwater. And she introduced me to the joys of her kids, which I realize and appreciate more now that I am in my mid-40s. I don't think I ever really wanted children earlier in my life. Even things like hobbies, music, tv shows, sex, etc.... We are VERY compatible. Through all of the relationships I've had in my life, never was there one with a connection like the one with her.

Another cliche, but when it is good, is is sooooo good.