backbeat

I'm here again, trying again. I never expected this to be so hard and take so long to sink in.

Been discussing denial a lot with my therapist, and we've been getting into other aspects of addiction that I have... not chemical but emotional. And how that is really hindering my sobriety. It's not an excuse, it's just something I hadn't thought of before and has been causing me to see relapse as an option all the time. And to be apathetic about doing the things I should be doing to succeed (like phone calls, meetings).

I went out the night before last and drank. My friends went home and I stayed out and continued drinking. Then I brought home a big bottle of a high-alcohol craft beer, drank that and quite a few shots of vodka all by myself until the sun came up. I emailed in sick to work and slept until 6pm. You can imagine how I feel about myself today.

Anyway that's it. Thanks for listening. I'm going to a meeting tomorrow, armed at least now with some new insight about myself from therapy and why it's been so easy to lost interest in my sobriety. One day at a time.....

Jackie

coraltint

welcome back, bb, hopefully it won't take any more research out there for ya!

I know for me, once I really, truly gave in to the idea that booze had my number.....that the fight was rigged against me, it was an awful lot easier to stay stopped. Thinking of how long I needed to stay dry until it would be okay again, and/or how much it would be "ok" to drink once I started was so frustrating that I'd just do what you did......A LOT. Then call in to work, isolate, beat myself up, etc etc etc over & over...

Much easier to not think about when it's gonna go well again. For me, it's just not.

TiredWolf

I know how you feel doing that, been there. Called off on short notice a few times after blacking out from drinking the night before...wake up sick as a dog and shaking then calling off sick on short notice. All of my co workers would be po'ed at me etc. The emails would start flying about me calling off again and I'd lay on the couch feeling sick reading them feeling like a piece of garbage.

Also went to work a lot of mornings just reeking of bourbon. I'd take a shower and use mouth wash and breath drops but people would still smell it on me. Sometimes one of the guys would pull me aside and say "Man, you reek of alcohol, what's up...out late etc?". And I'd reply "Yeah, rough night-had some buddies in town for dinner etc".

It's a rough lifestyle and I'm glad I am sober. Don't want to go back to that misery.

But hang in there, keep trying until you get it right.

hypochondriac

The emotional component of addiction is huge. Glad you're back with us x

Sulu1

Oh I know this feeling. Being an alcoholic is just so darn difficult. It's a full time job in itself, never mind attempting to work at the same time. I'd go to work (I was a barman) still completely trollied or feeling extremely ill from the previous nights 'trollying'. We do some truly ridiculous things to ourselves. All we can do is accept it, brush ourselves off and try again.

Chin up backtobeat, I definitely know the feeling. Stay strong

instant

I drank because I drank.

Glad you are back. SR has been a great help to me.

Pondlady

Glad you're back and trying.

Hevyn

Hi Jackie. You haven't given up - you know what needs to be done. Some never get it, and keep trying to manage it until their lives are in ruins. It won't have to happen that way. You can do this. Happy you came back.

backbeat

Thank you for all your kind words

Dee74

Welcome back Jackie
I think I drank as long as I could get away for.

I think it's probably best to stop before you get to the point where you have to stop.
I'm glad you're back

backbeat

I went to a good meeting tonight. It was a beginners' meeting. One thing I know I have to get through is my tendency to compare instead of relate. For example tonight someone shared that she would keep a bottle of vanilla extract or vinegar by her bed to drink if she ran out of alcohol and that's something I've never done. Well, no, but the point is, I would drink until I blacked out and I imagine that's what she was trying to do too. I have to remember we had the same destination just took slightly different paths.

One older man came over to talk to me afterwards. I explained my history, etc. He points in my face and said "Listen you you go to a meeting every f&*ing day you hear me? EVERY F78CKING DAY I SAID!" Then he fist bumps me and leaves. He gets up the stairs and turns around and looks at me, points at me again, and leaves. I thought that was awesome. I really got a kick out of him I had been sitting in the meeting doing my usual judging and comparing because I'm not healthy enough yet to for that to go away without me making a conscious effort. And then at the end of the meeting this blunt, funny guy comes up and gave me the ass-kicking that I needed.

neferkamichael

Backbeat, FANTASTIC.

Zebra1275

I'm here again, trying again. I never expected this to be so hard and take so long to sink in.

If it was easy we wouldn't need a place like SR.

I think I needed about 842 attempts before I figured out I was an alcoholic and shouldn't drink. And I still need to go to meetings now and then because I might "forget" that fact.

coraltint

I think it's great that you were able to hear the crotchety old veteran for the person who cares about you that he obviously is. I heard in a meeting once that I have to listen to everyone, because I never know where I'm gonna get what I need to hear. Walking in, you probably wouldn't have bet on that guy to make the meeting for you!!

FreeFall

Glad to see you back Jackie! I find it really helpful to keep the negativity about alcohol front and center as much as possible to barricade against the voice that tells you a relapse is a great idea. It's easy to glamorize it and selectively remember the fun times. You have a voice inside that often got drowned out that is more accurate than the party loving fool that USED TO run the show. That voice will remind you that you can end up in the hospital or in jail, that you could lose important relationships, etc. try to hear that voice instead.

backbeat

Coraltint, yes that's so true. I love your sig line btw. Neko Case one of my favs esp. Prison Girls.

FamilyMan2153

Keep coming back BB. It took many of us a long time. You know you have a problem, great start. You know you need help, excellent. You went to SR and a meeting to get some help and support, yeah-yeah. Keep working on yourself. I love your honesty and that is going to serve you very well in your recovery. I have confidence in you.

bellajo618

Hi Jackie,

I am in north jersey also, drank on 2/12 with co workers, they went home i stayed out, ended up home with a a 6 pack and continued. Woke up on 2/13, went back out, got some wine and continued again until i just passed out. Last night was more of a night sweats, get the last of it out of my system kind of sleep. Needless to say, I RELATE. Very similar story. I have tried this many times. Could give you tons of reason as to why I think I failed. Im just going to take every suggestion going forward this time, and not look back or worry about tomorrow. Glad your hear. Hugs..

backbeat

Thank you for the replies. Just hit a lunchtime meeting near work. Was hoping to find a few coworkers there but didn't. It was a big meeting with a wide variety of people there. I felt a little lost in it so I'm going to try to seek smaller meetings to start but I always have that one nice and close to work.

backbeat

And here it is just four hours after that meeting and I'm craving going to the bar. Craving it. Fantasizing about it ("Hey it's Friday! What's the difference, everybody else will be having a couple, why should you sit home? You *earned* this!").

Nope I'm going home. Going to the cozy little beginner's meeting near my house and not giving up.