AM9610

Confronting my emotional issues sober is really tough. Today was just plain difficult.

I love my wife more than anything in the world (aside from the beautiful children we have together, of course) but she doesn't understand the darkness and pain I experience. Not because she doesn't care or doesn't want to -- in fact, she cares very much. It's just that, unlike me, she had the good fortune of seeing healthy relationships in her childhood. She is happy and sees life in simple terms. She doesn't have the identity crises or internal wars that I do. I envy her, not in a bitter way, but just more wistfully. I wish I had the freedom that she does.

I look to her as the first person to understand my sadness. She empathizes, but can't conceptualize it. Again, not because she doesn't care, but because she hasn't been there. It kills me, because she's the love of my life and I wish she could be there in middle of it with me, just to see what it's like. I want her to say, I see you. I see that part of you, and it's OK. But it's not something that I expect to happen, and it's hard to make peace with that.

I feel isolated. I feel lonely. I feel like a freak who is far from normal. I feel like all she sees is an irrational head case who can't get himself together. She doesn't say that, but with every conversation, I feel further away from her. And with the alcohol problem on top of that...I am afraid that it would be too much for her to REALLY deal with head on.

I'm probably going to move this over to the mental health section, because I'm sure that's where it belongs...but still being a newcomer, I felt the need to express here...

Love and good thoughts to all. Hoping tomorrow is easier.

Hanna

It sounds like you actually have a really strong marriage and with some work it could be even more amazing. Given that she loves and respects you and wants to understand, would you consider joint counseling with a therapist to explore ways to bring her some understanding about what you are experiencing? It could be a very worthwhile endeavor.

pink79coach

The internal wars are satan talking and when u listen. That's when he celebrates. Remember god created u with every delicate weave. Have u thought about praying or meditation? Sometimes when I'm stuck in a negative thought cycle. I pray out to god. And just like that. He helps me change my thoughts

Take care

AM9610

Thank you, Hanna. We do have a good marriage with a strong foundation, so I'm not worried about the relationship per se. (She is an amazing woman who has never turned her back on me, despite all of my struggles, and I'm so grateful for that.) It's just hard for me to move out of my own head sometimes, and that can create distance.

Late last night I told her exactly how I felt, and she reassured me that everything would be OK, and that she doesn't think I'm an emotional freak, or odd, or whatever else I make myself out to be. She knows that I have things to work through, and also has known all along that alcohol and I are a very bad combination. I think deep down she "gets it"...just doesn't really know what it's like first-hand because she has never been in those depths before (thank God for that, because it is awful).

Thank you for suggesting joint counseling. We have talked about it before, albeit rather briefly. I think it would be very helpful.

hypochondriac

Oi, what does that make us then? You are not the only one AM so don't feel lonely. I have never felt like anyone outside of my recovery community has ever grasped what it feels like either, which is why I think it is really important to stay connected to people who get it. It sounds like you have a good relationship so don't worry too much if your wife isn't able to live inside your head on this one. The fact that she is supportive should be enough. Stay connected to others in recovery x

AM9610

Hello pink79coach, thank you for the great advice. Over the past six months, I have re-connected with the Christian faith that I lost touch with long ago. It has brought me peace in many areas of my life but I still have such a long way to go. I trust in God and know He will eventually bring me through this, maybe not to a point where I never confront it again, but at least to a place of greater happiness and clarity.

Meditation, on the other hand, has been good but not completely effective. (Maybe I'm not doing it correctly?)

Again, thank you...I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

AM9610

Thank you, hypochondriac. Knowing I'm not alone is such a comfort.

Coming to grips with her not being able to relate, and being OK with that, is the mountain I have to climb, so to speak. I have a loving spouse who has my back at all times, so that is more than enough.

Hevyn

Hi AM. I'm glad you came here to talk about your concerns - it always helped me with my anxiety in the early days of getting sober. We care about you, and understand in a way most of our friends and family are incapable of. I'm sorry you had a difficult day, but very happy you aren't suffering alone. May today be a better day! Let us know.

Hanna

It is awesome that you can talk to her like that and that you did so.
Isn't it cool how irrational/negative feelings begin to recede when they are expressed to someone else? It's like a pathogen that can't survive once it hits fresh air.