Boyfriend Relapse - no one understands

Old 02-13-2013, 04:48 PM
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Boyfriend Relapse - no one understands

Hi!
I am reaching out for help because everywhere I have gone hasn't provided much for answers and my friends don't understand.

I am dating a guy whom I've known for over 15 yrs. We are both 25. We just started dating a few months ago. I went through a divorce this last year and he is my first boyfriend since then, I finally became ready to date. We fell in love, he treats me amazing, he provides me with emotional support when I Need it and when I am with him I feel complete. I can see being with him the rest of my life.
He has been a drug addict and alcholic for the past 8 years. He has done everything you can imagine, from heroin, to meth, to shooting up ativan, to coke and marijuana. He has been to rehab several times and has been homeless and never hasnt had to work or do a real job in years. He hit "rock bottom" in november and almost died. His family took him back in and he got sober. He has a great support system of doctors, therapists, AA meetings, and family support. He had no friends because all of his friends from here are involved in drugs or drinking. We connect on facebook and decided to hang out since I am sober from everything, including alcohol because of health reasons. I don't even drink at the bar with my friends. We started dating and things were going wonderful.
About 3 weeks ago, his doctor put him on wellbutrin, it caused him to start feeling like crap. headaches, mood swings, even suicidal thoughts. He is a hippie natural kinda guy so he was against the med from the beginning. He was working 2 jobs and tired from the long hours, which was something he wasn't used too. I saw him start to sink in a depression. I tried my best to save him, but I would get texts saying "I should just run away" because it was his "go to" thing when things got hard.
He relapsed. He bought coke from some old friend at work and did it. He told me about it the next day. I chose to stay because he was honest about it right away and I know that people can have slip ups. Plus I loved him.
He got a job offer at a news station, which was huge for him. He could start over with a real career and not work these dead end jobs. He was stressed because of the drug test. I kept getting texts saying he was gonna run away because he knew he would fail it and his parents would kick him out so there was nothing left for him. I would spendall mytime and energy basically talking him off the cliff daily. The day of the test came and he asked me to buy him some detox drink. I was worried this would be "enabling" him and in hindsight i can see it was. I did it and I regret it.
He failed the test. He freaked out and i got a text saying he was leaving to new mexico. I went over to his house and begged him to stay but he was cold and said he had nothing left here and he had to leave. I was crying but nothing I was saying made an impact so I left. I got a text later saying he wasn't leaving and he was ready to face the issues and deal with things the right way.
We hung out a few days ago, and we talked about how he did tell his parents but they weren't upset and they were giving him another chance to prove he is ready to be sober becaue they expected these slip ups. I asked him to be honest with me and tell me if he has messed up at all besides that one time...he told me he had..the DAY BEFORE HIS DRUG TEST. I could have hit him. He knew he would fail. He had me buy him that stupid drink. i felt like fool. I told him we needed to talk and figure it out but I wasn't going to stick around if this was the way it was going to be. He fed me some crap line about how he was ready to change blah blah blah and he needed me blah blah blah and loved me blah blah blah.
I told him we would work on it. Well the next day (yesterday) we were supposed to hang out, but he bailed. I got a bad feeling, and asked him if it was because he was high. Sure enough, he got some morphine. I told him I was done. I can't stand the emotional struggles with this anymore. The back and forth. I am exhausted with my own life. I have 3 jobs plus nursing school.
The issue is..I love him. and I dont want to leave him. But I feel like if i don't give some sort of consequence then he will never stop. I would be enabling him.
We talked in person today, I balled. and he apologized but didn't say much. I left and kissed him in the cheek and told him to call me when he is sober.

I feel like my heart has been ripped out. I love him and just wantto be with him. All i want at this very moment is to be laying next to him giggling.
I don't know if i can stay strong.

What do i do?!?!?!
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Old 02-13-2013, 05:09 PM
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You sound like me one week ago today!! My bf had been sober but recently has been relapsing and finally last wednesday when he did it again and lied about it (ditched me to get high), I said enough is enough. It was the hardest thing i've ever done.

For me it's literally only been a week but it's already getting better. The first 2 or 3 days were the worst. You did the right thing for yourself. You do know that right? You can't fix him. You have some great things going for you (i'm in nursing school also ) and you don't deserve to be lied to like that. You deserve to be loved and respected and honored. I know this is tough. Try to just think of it as some time for you to work on yourself and him to work on himself. You are right, he did need consequences... otherwise by staying with him you are just saying that what he did was okay. and it isn't.

Try to keep some space... I would say definitely no contact but for me that has been extremely hard so I understand that struggle. But no talking would be best. Give him some time to think about what he wants. Right now you need to focus on yourself. If he chooses to get clean and sober in the future, you can always reevaluate...but for now, STAY STRONG!!!!!!!! I believe in you and am right here with you, cheering you on!

ps, i would really recommend going to some alanon meetings or at least doing some reading on it or codependency! it is helpful to know that you are not alone.
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Old 02-13-2013, 05:11 PM
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jessers,

Welcome to SR! I'm sorry for what has brought you here but know that you will find alot of support for the very experienced people here. I would encourage you to read the stickies at the top of the Friends and Families of Substance Abuse page and look into NarAnon or AlAnon meetings in your area.

I am not in a relationship with an addict, it was my adult son that brought me to SR, so I do not have the same sort of experience.

I just wanted to respond because "no one understands" really struck me as a "unique" sort of vibe. In my opinion, your situation is not unique because there are so many people posting here on SR that are or have dealt with being in a relationship w/an addict. Addicts tend to be very self involved - you need to focus on and take care of yourself. You have enough on your plate w/multiple jobs and nursing school - you do not need to be taking care of this man. My daughter graduated from nursing school 2 years ago and I know how hard school was for her.

Good luck and others will be along shortly to give you experience, strength and hope for you.
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Old 02-13-2013, 05:17 PM
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Welcome...I believe that you have made the right decision, he has a disease that has no cure, it is only a matter of whether he is clean/sober and working a strong recovery program for life or not. This is a progressive disease, left untreated it will get worse.

You are so young and it would appear that this is a rebound relationship, I would back off and get yourself back together.

I would also be tested for STD's, an IV user can spread all kinds of nasty diseases around.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs.

The book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie might also be of help to you. You have chosen a career (nursing) that is one of a caretaker, most of the nurses I know struggle with codependency issues.

Keep posting, it will help. Sending support your way.
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Old 02-13-2013, 05:18 PM
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welcome....but I am sorry for the reasons that you have found us. I've found that attempting to be involved with someone that is in active addiction is volunteering for your heart to be torn apart. Even when they say they want to stop it's fraught with difficulties and pain.

It felt counterintuitive to me to consider walking away from someone that I loved deeply when they "needed" my support to help them get sober. He needed me because he really didn't have anyone else to turn to that was going to believe him in like I would. I knew that his only chance for making "it" was if I stood beside him and gave him a way to cross the bridge to sober living. I could believe in him enough for the both of us.

Suffice to say - it didn't work out so well for me. Everyone here tried to warn me but I just knew that we were different. It did sink in though that if I was going to be involved with an addict (or recovering addict) that I needed my own support and MY OWN recovery program. I did have the sense to know that addiction would chew me up and spit me out alive if I didn't get serious about ME and understanding my part in this system. Working my own recovery from codependency actually saved my life. Addiction is a "family disease" meaning that it affects everyone involved with the addict.

If you are going to stay involved with him I hope that you will read all of the sticky's at the top of the forum, read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, the blogs by Cynical One, and everything else you can get your hands on. Also, consider going to Alanon or Naranon. Keep reading here and posting - it's a wonderful community full of people that understand.

Addicts do not have relationships - they take hostages.
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Old 02-13-2013, 05:53 PM
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Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for you pain and suffering, but I'm glad you sought us out.

This struck me:

I am dating a guy whom I've known for over 15 yrs. We are both 25. We just started dating a few months ago. I went through a divorce this last year and he is my first boyfriend since then, I finally became ready to date. We fell in love, he treats me amazing, he provides me with emotional support when I Need it and when I am with him I feel complete. I can see being with him the rest of my life.
He has been a drug addict and alcholic for the past 8 years. He has done everything you can imagine, from heroin, to meth, to shooting up ativan, to coke and marijuana.
So...you're 25, recently divorced, and you chose to become romantically entangled with someone with an 8 year history of substance abuse. You must be cognizant that while he is using, you don't know "him". You know "him on drugs", and the two people are very often different.

I have two nieces roughly your age, and when I read a story like yours, it breaks my heart. I guess it's because if my nieces made the decision you made, it would really make me sad. I do not say this to make you feel bad, or to put you down. I say this because starting today, your "recovery" from this experience needs to be about you. And part of that is getting honest about what makes us tick and why we do what we do. Otherwise, the pain and suffering we endure is for naught.

Regarding your AXBF...be aware that while he's under the influence of whatever he's on, you can't trust anything that comes out of his mouth. You also can't help him. He has to want to find recovery on his own. And as much as you may want it for him and others want it for him, it's all on him.

I strongly encourage you to read the sticky note "What Addicts Do" as many times as you need to until the words and their meaning are imprinted on your conscience. I strongly encourage you to find a local Nar Anon and/or Al Anon meeting, too. Go in, eyes, ears, mind open...listen and learn.

Please be safe.

ZoSo
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Old 02-13-2013, 09:15 PM
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I have found more support in these posts then anywhere. You all are amazing. I am so grateful google brought me all to you.
Tonight has been extremely hard. He has been texting and I am missing him. It hit me that I can't leave work and go be with him. It is going to be a huge struggle to keep strong and give us time apart. I know I am a strong person but I am definitely co dependent on him and that's not good at all.

Keep the advice coming. It has been what has kept me from picking up that phone to go see him tonight.
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Old 02-13-2013, 10:02 PM
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Hi Jessers - so glad you found the forum in your time of need.

Sometimes there is a good reason when "no one understands". It's because we are seeing something through a lense of what we want it to be, rather than what really is.

I went through something very similar in 2011. Guy I had known since high school. Whirlwind romance. He held it together for about 4 intense weeks before I began to see the cracks. The story is around here somewhere but I neglected to add a number of key pieces. I was pretty surprised when I went back and read what I had written. Oops, forgot to mention that he bought coke within a few days of coming to stay in my home. Oops, forgot to mention that he paid just $35 for that coke. Oops, forgot to mention that you can't get coke on the street in my town for $35, that would probably be crack. (I asked around, definitely not familiar with the street prices of anything anywhere.)

I came here a posted that he had an alcohol problem. I have no recollection of why I left out the rest. I suspect I was just too beaten up after the family situation I had been through and maybe I was just completely disgusted with myself for ignoring some rather major signs and putting an active addict in the path of my beloved brother who was in the midst of a major life or death struggle with addiction.

Reading as much as possible here on the Friends and Family forum will give you a good idea of what you will experience in the future if you continue your relationship with him before he finds recovery.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how hard it is to find someone with which you can really connect.

Peace,
Hanna
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Old 02-13-2013, 10:30 PM
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Knowing isn't helping

I have broken up with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to but he is an alcoholic and he assaulted me the other night. He was drunk and we argued and I should have walked away but I didn’t. I dumped out his beer. I have cuts and bruises; he spent the night in jail. Right now, I am living in his house and he is in a hotel. I hate alcohol; it brings out the stupid, the angry, the hate and fear in people. And not just in the drinker, in the enabler as well – that’s me. This was not the first alcohol fueled fight, there were many and this was not the first time that he hit me. I stayed because he was great when he was sober… raise your hand if you’ve heard that before. I stayed because I am just as addicted to him as he is to his booze. I need to be free of the fear, self-loathing and anxiety that the alcohol brings into my life. In my head, I keep thinking that he’ll get better. I keep that thought in the rawest part of my heart so I can push it and pick at it like a fingernail that’s falling off but is still attached by a thick band of red, sticky flesh. I imagine it all so clearly; he gets clean, goes through a lot of soul searching and therapy and is free of his demons. Yeah, then we live the dreams that we made together while he was sober. He says that I should stay here with my son and he'll get another place for now. I don't know what to do!
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Old 02-13-2013, 11:16 PM
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Originally Posted by ninja07 View Post
I have broken up with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to but he is an alcoholic and he assaulted me the other night. He was drunk and we argued and I should have walked away but I didn’t. I dumped out his beer. I have cuts and bruises; he spent the night in jail. Right now, I am living in his house and he is in a hotel. I hate alcohol; it brings out the stupid, the angry, the hate and fear in people. And not just in the drinker, in the enabler as well – that’s me. This was not the first alcohol fueled fight, there were many and this was not the first time that he hit me. I stayed because he was great when he was sober… raise your hand if you’ve heard that before. I stayed because I am just as addicted to him as he is to his booze. I need to be free of the fear, self-loathing and anxiety that the alcohol brings into my life. In my head, I keep thinking that he’ll get better. I keep that thought in the rawest part of my heart so I can push it and pick at it like a fingernail that’s falling off but is still attached by a thick band of red, sticky flesh. I imagine it all so clearly; he gets clean, goes through a lot of soul searching and therapy and is free of his demons. Yeah, then we live the dreams that we made together while he was sober. He says that I should stay here with my son and he'll get another place for now. I don't know what to do!
Ninja Welcome to Sober Recovery. Glad you are here but so sorry for all that you are going through right now. It sounds like you could really some support from the SR Friends and Family community. Want to make your own thread for this? You can just copy and paste what you have here into a new thread and you'll me amazed at the help that will come along for you.

Peace,
Hanna
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Old 02-14-2013, 06:02 AM
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Jessers, I'm sorry you are struggling. I hope you will use this opportunity to recover from both your divorce and your relationship with an addict. You never know you may find some paralells in the relationships and if you take the time to learn and grow now, you may be able to end the cycle. There's another book out there called - The New Codependency - that a lot of people on here are reading. They say it's really good. Why not give it a shot and see if you can learn anything about yourself.

And Ninja, ask yourself, What's the best thing for my son? Do that and you will never ever ever regret your decision.
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Old 02-14-2013, 07:23 AM
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Jessers, I am the type person that looks for red flags as, I read what you wrote I see several things that are at least to me red flags.... You have not been divorced long, this, is your first relationship after the divorce, your in love after two months of dating, and his drugs, your being able to see your codependent.

Is it possible that the good ways he treated you is what your hanging on to? Pick up a copy (most libraries have them) of Codependent No More by: Melody Beattie. Try some Nar-anon or Al-anon meetings I found that was my lifeline. I can't say what will happen or I could win the lottery but usually the first relationship after any break-up is a rebound. You deserve so much more than this a life of drugs/relapses .

Your only 25 and been married and divorced I am not saying that is bad divorces happen every day but hon you seem to have a bright future ahead of you keep it bright work on you. Take care of you. If you and this guy are meant to be what is the hurry? Can you step back for awhile and work on yourself?
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