321

This is my first time to post... I am in process of divorcing and I have met someone who works nearby. I have been talking to him for several months and I recently discovered that he has had the smell of alcohol on his breath a couple of times in the mornings (I see him before work). I questioned him about it, and he admitted he had a problem with drinking. And in the past he has went to AA - perhaps two years ago. He recently moved to the area a year ago and doesn't have many friends here yet. This past week, I was with him and I wanted to leave and he had been drinking and he wound up hitting me. I hit him back and he grabbed my neck and pushed me down. I wound up leaving. He has reached out to me since and we have begun talking again. He says it was an accident when he hit me. But when I hit him back is when he really got upset and that's when he grabbed my hair and neck and pushed me down. He is 40 years old and divorced also and has no children. I am just curious what others think. He says he is going to start going to AA and possibly a local church for help that has a support group that meets at a church where his father attends. I have two children and as I said am in the process of a divorce that is just beginning. Although my marriage essentially ended emotionally and physically (living in separate rooms in the same house) for a couple of years. My husband also has had issues with drinking as of recently. My husband has had issues with back problems and perhaps has been addicted to pain pills and alcohol. Although I don't think he is an alcoholic honestly. I just say all this so everyone has the full picture. Thank you for listening and I welcome your responses.

catlovermi

Welcome to SR.

What sort of childhood do you want your kids to remember? Start from there and a lot of things will become more clear.

CLMI

bamboo10

Please stay away from this person. If he is acting that way and you havent known him long, that means the rest of his life includes a heck of a lot more of that. I would run as fast and far as possible. The fact that he hit you and grabbed your neck scares me. Take care of yourself and stay away from him. I don't know everything, but I can tell you that spending more time with him is only going to lead down a bad road.

marie1960

This is so simple.......

You barely know this person and he is violent? And you are striking him too? This is TOXIC on every level. As we say around here, when someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM.

I wouldnt give his going to AA a second thought, this is NOT your problem and you can't help him.

Your children certainly deserve better and so do you!

I would stay the hell away from that kind of unacceptable behavior.

peace.

LoveMeNow

I think many of us make mistakes jumping into another relationships too soon before we heal and fix ourselves. Until we do the hard work on us, we will continuously make the same mistakes and chose very similar partners.

I hope you keep reading and posting. Active addiction and domestic violence should be serious deal breakers. No excuses!!

Recovering2

He admits he has a drinking problem to you, and tells you he has gone to AA in the past. He has alcohol on his breath in the morning, and he strikes out at you when drinking. Then he blames you when his violence accelerates.

He is an Alcoholic. Is this what you dream of when you think about your future? Your children's future? You're only a couple of month's in to this relationship. RUN!!!! If he goes to AA, good for him. But that's about him, not about you or a relationship. You need to focus on you and your children. This man sounds toxic already. Cut him loose and take care of you. Sorry if I sound harsh....but this is SO black and white to me having lived with an A partner.

Rosiepetal

I suggest running a mile from this new man.
There is no good to come of it.
I don't believe he is seeking sobriety, only an enabler.
You deserve way better than this.
Make a healthy choice for you & your children.

thislonelygirl

I have to agree with others.
Known for a few months.
Hes 40 yrs old and an alcoholic
Hes violent

Think about it ...hes 40 yrs old and has a drinking problem. ..
You dont really know his past other than he went to aa and w.e he chooses to tell you.
He was violent with you and youve only known him so long
This tells me he has a violent past and may never stop drinking.
You said yourself that you are divorcing and have children...
Do you really think that you or youre kids realky need this added issues/stress right now.
Your getting divorced...take a little time to just be you without a man
And maybe keep this guy at arms length without a relationship other than somedays friendship and that be it.

Wishing the best

dollydo

This guy is a must miss, abuse is a deal breaker. If you go forward with this relationship you will be jumping from the frying pan into the fire. He is not an abuser because he drinks, he is an abuser who drinks too.

There is a reason why you hook up with alcoholics, were you raised in a toxic home?

Your children should not be exposed to an abusive/alcoholic enviornment, they will carry their childhood into adulthood. You are their voice, their future.

I would strongly urge you to let this loser go.

dandylion

Please do not take those innocent children into the jaws of hell!

sincerely, dandylion

ReflectingOnMe

I hope you are able to see that all of these comments are said from those with years..decades..generations of knowledge. He IS an abusive alcoholic. You said that he didn't mean to hit you? How did it happen then? He did mean to hit you...and you hitting him back wasnt right either. Do you want your children watching him beat you? Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse with every day unless he is actively working a program. Abuse gets worse over time as well. Both of you have crossed the line of what is acceptable; he physically abused you and you are continuing a relationship with him. I understand that he is probably portraying himself as your perfect man when sober...trust me you will hurt less if you break it off now..than if you wait until later. I hope you take the time to browse through these threads:unfortunately life with an active alcoholic cannot truly be understood until you live it - save yourself and skip the experience.
Peace to you.

Michael59

Sorry for you situation but I have to agree with some of the others,,,RUN! ! You don't even need to give him an explanation.I suggest no more contact.Please take care of yourself.

LexieCat

I have to confess, I don't understand why a relationship with this person is even crossing your mind. You just met him, you've seen stuff that women go through literal hell to get away from, and you are wondering what we think about starting a relationship with him?

You are in no way trapped, the way some women are trapped in a violent relationship.

Think of this man as a frothing, rabid dog chained to a post. You don't go over and pet it, hoping to tame it.

I sure hope you post back and tell us you've seen the light. I have a feeling a lot of us would sleep better.

Redheadsusie

Please listen to all of these smart smart people ......your kids should be your main concern and I am sure they are - As a Mom -if he is violent I would shudder at the thought that violence being turned on them. Run don't walk............

redatlanta

The only thing I can see that the person has done for you is to make your soon to be ex husband look like the better catch.

If a life of getting the s**t beat out of you, going to jail, dealing with a serious level alcoholic (which includes lying, cheating, lying, more lying, insanity, more lying, denial, financial devastation and more lying) seems appealing check yourself into to the local psych ward and save your life. Do not doubt it - this will be your life with this abusive drunk.

You deserve better...Your children deserve better including a life free of an abusive alcoholic. Just imagine it be them that he hits, grabs, and pushes down. It can happen and it does.

Run as fast as you can.

Crazed

I am sorry you are in this situation. But you can save yourself and kids by moving on.

It is hard enough dealing with active alcoholism in a relationship, but physical abuse is truly unacceptable.... And will probably get progressively worse as well as the untreated alcoholism.

SparkleKitty

I remember the urge to get into a relationship after my marriage fell apart was overwhelming. I was so scared of being by myself and not having anyone to take care of me, of having no identity if I wasn't "_______'s wife/girlfriend", or always being the single in a room full of couples -- let's just say these fears definitely affected my judgment. I did not date people who could give me what I needed. And it took time, a great and gentle therapist, and a lot of friends to convince me that the only person I would ever be able to count on to take care of me, fulfill me, and make me happy was me.

Being alone in the wake of a failed marriage is frightening. Somehow the desire to be with someone can easily turn into the need to be with anyone...and only taking the time to heal and to be okay with who I am and all I am got me to a place where I was ready to be in a relationship at all. I know it sounds a bit cliche, but my now-husband only came along when I accepted that no matter what relationship I was in, I had to be happy with me first before I could be happy with anyone else.

I wish you strength and courage to make the best decision about this man for yourself and your children. We're here for you.