Natom

I'm seeing my ex-partner tomorrow for the first time in just over 9 months. I'm a complete cluster of emotions at the moment. Mainly pain, guilt and shame. I'm grateful that I can feel these emotions in their raw form. Not long ago the only emotion I ever felt was anger. And I didn't know where it was coming from. Today I can feel pain and sorrow and know that I am growing emotionally.

I don't want to use on my emotions. It is an absolute miracle. I spoke to her for 30 mins on the phone earlier. She told me she hated me. She recounted everything I did to hurt her. And I felt pain. I felt shame, and I felt guilt. This may sound twisted but I'm so glad that I can FEEL properly for the first time in my life. I have the chance to make amends to someone I really hurt. I've spoken to several people about how to do it. But I'm just going to pray around it. If it wasn't for my recovery I wouldn't be doing this. My higher power gives me the strength and the willingness to do it. So I guess this post summarised is.

1. I'm glad I can feel emotions.

2. I don't want to use over emotions and that is amazing.

3. I'm glad I can say sorry and mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Natom.

bbthumper

That's great Natom!
Its nice to have sanity return and be able to react in a healthy way to such emotions.
Good Luck tomorrow!

Jeni26

Natom, despite your pain your post is a really positive one and very inspiring. The fact we can feel after years of self-medicating is such a gift. I trust your meeting will take you even further down the right path no matter how it turns out.

My best wishes to you x

SophieB

Good post natom..it is nice to be able to feel good/bad whatever just not numb.

Good luck tomorrow. Let us know how it all goes

mecanix

Other people get through it Tom ,
The strength to take on and deal with deep and maybe bad emotion is not a weakness . you know how to deal with it healthily nowdays .

Bestwishes, M

Natom

Just a quick update on this. We spent most of last night messaging each other and I will be meeting her in about an hour and a half. I've spent the day discussing this with various people. There are so many different outcomes to this meeting that I have tried not to think about them. The fact I have got this far is a miracle anyway. It can't really get any worse than it has been so anything above and beyond that is going to be a blessing.

Natom.

MIRecovery

Just remember you are not in the outcome business that is in your higher power's hands. This is about you taking responsibility for your actions and making amends. Her reaction is her reaction but you have done what you can to clean your side of the street. Also remember that her hurt is fresh and that by you living sober is a living amend that is better than any spoken words can ever be.

Stay strong and stay sober

Coldfusion

As usual, you express your feelings so well that I am at a loss for words.
I don't have an "ex" but I have a "late" to whom I'll never be able make amends.
Tom, I told my sponsor last night that I was starting to believe in a benevolent higher power, and hearing what you are doing today makes me believe that even more.

Awww, gee whiz and gosh dern it I've got tears in my eyes.................

bigsombrero

Thanks for posting - interesting thoughts all around. I will be interested to hear a recap, if you so choose to post one. Thanks again!

ReadyAtLast

HOpe all goes well for you Natom

janiebluebird

This is golden!! I want to write it down and put it up somewhere.

Dave42001

Wishing you the best, Tom!

laurie6781

Hopefully you understand that 'making amends' is not saying I am sorry. Making
amends is acknowledging to the person 'your wrongs' and asking the person what
you can do for them to make things better.

'Making amends' is not about the 'outcome'. It is about clearing the wreckage of
your past. I have had some folks thank me for my effort but the best I could do
for them was to stay out of their lives. I have had some who said, "ok are you
done, fine, see ya." and walk away and I have not seen them since. I have also
had some folks who are very dear friends today and at one point they believed
they really hated me.

Acknowledge the hurt and pain you caused your Ex and ask if there is anything
you can do to help the Ex ease the hurts you have caused.

To me, the 9th step is the most important, because it is with the 9th that I/we
finally have the possibility of getting rid of 'the wreckage' of our pasts by actually
cleaning it up. That is when I felt TRUE FREEDOM.

Know your HP is watching over you, and we are walking with you in spirit!

Love and hugs,

Natom

Update:

The update on this is that I picked up my ex-fiance and we went for coffee in the city. I acknowledged what I had done to hurt her. We discussed both of our parts in the relationship. We took responsibility for our individual parts and we cleared the air. In regards to me making a living amends. I am in a position to do this. We are talking and we are friends. At the time we were both a significant part in each others lives. And to some extent that is still true. We both still have feelings for each other. That is how it has been left. She accepted my amends and gave me the opportunity to make living amends.

Where it goes from here is really upto my higher power. I did let this go to my higher power not long ago. I completely handed it over. And I trust that if I keep praying for my higher powers will rather than my own things will be ok. Obviously if anything starts progressing in the way of a relationship this is something I would have to discuss with my sponsor.

Natom.