Yogagurl

So, I have been posting here as an outlet to gain insight to my husband's crack cocaine addiction. He has been using for about 10 years and, since he and I have been together, I have seen him spiral out of control until he nearly lost his life in a wreck. The wreck stopped him for a while, because he was financially unable to use. And I believe that he didn't intend on using again. About 3 months after he started pulling in an income, he started using again. That was about 7 months ago. He finally got to a point where he used all of his resources, couldn't pay his truck payment, and pawned all of his tools.

About 3 weeks ago, he pawned all of his tools and laid out of work for a few days. The cycle is that he gets paid on Friday, uses all weekend, becomes depressed, and then doesn't work until around Thursday. Every couple of weeks he might get in a full week of work. This particular go around, he said that he wanted to go to rehab. His sister brought him to a detox facility to get him somewhere immediately and he found a half way house while he was there. My husband's big thing is that he doesn't want to lose his truck. He doesn't want inpatient treatment because he has to keep making payments on his truck. Only a week at the sober living place, his "in recovery" roommate and he go to a bar. The following day, my husband came home (I was not there) and proceeded to smoke every last dime that was in his pocket, plus borrowing money from a family member who is oblivious to his usage. That was the weekend. Monday and Tuesday, per the usual cycle, he didn't want to go to work and on Tuesday, he said that he wanted inpatient treatment. Well, I don't know many drug addicts who have insurance, do you?? An inpatient facility runs about 30,000$ for 6 months if you don't have insurance. So, I found him a state run facility that is designed to get homeless people in recovery and functioning in society. Homeless is applicable to those who have been kicked out of thier homes, not just those who are living on the streets. He lasted 3 days.

He is now back at home and has not told his family that he has left the facility. I am the only one who knows. Quite frankly, I am tired of being the middle man to his family with bad news. They ask ME how he is doing, and I have to be like, "Well, he's riding around getting high and he hasn't paid the rent, and he missed his truck payment, and I'm at home alone having dinner by myself, and he hasn't stopped lying every time he opens his mouth, etc, etc, ad nauseum."


So, now he is home and he is all "I'm a changed man, I'm never going to use again...." The thing is that I have heard this SO SO SO many times, almost bi-weekly for nearly two years. I would like to think that his experience living as a homeless person would have really opened his eyes, but I hate to even be optimistic anymore.


So, when do we know that they are really finished??????????

When is it okay to hope for the best???????

Hanna

More importantly, when will you be finished? You have a much better chance of figuring that out than of guessing when he will.

GardenMama

Sometimes I wish there were rehab facilities covered by insurance or sponsored by states for those of us who go through life with an addict...that's an idea for another thread, but if there were, I would suggest sending you immediately, Yogagurl. And only to the very best facility, 90 days of therapy, massage, journaling and good food. How about it? You must be exhausted on so many levels. Defeated, depleted, distraught...My advice echoes Hanna: what are you going to do for yourself in this crazy-making situation? What is your plan for a happier future? Betting on him right now sounds like a bad idea for your mental health, at the very least. Let him work his recovery (or not) and take care of your own. It is all you really control anyway.

lightseeker

The problem with addiction is that when someone is actively using (and not just when they are high) you are dealing with insanity. It's insanity because it's NOT sanity. Meaning, that nothing about it is going to make sense no matter how hard you try.

It took me awhile to realize that there was NOTHING that I could do to make someone get help. No amount of support is going to make someone "get it" if they don't really want it for themselves. It sounds like your husband knows that he can count on you to be there for him as long as he says the right magic words (some hint at being ready to stop). Are you assuming that he is telling you the truth when really, he isn't?

Why cover for him? I'm not saying to go and necessarily broadcast the news but why not answer truthfully to any questions? He is the one responsible for his actions and his behaviors and not you. The only person forcing you to be the middle man is yourself.

My ex husband's DOC was (is?) crack so I know what you are dealing with...it's a nasty drug and it doesn't want to let anyone go. It will try and destroy anyone that gets in it's way - and that means loved ones.

Have you started considering yet that any of the thoughts/time/concerns that you are spending on him might be better spent on you and your plans? I hope that you will consider working your own program of recovery. One thing that I know....anyone that deals with someone using crack gets as sick as the addict - only they are not high. Once I realized that I was involved with a crack user I realized how sick I was (forget about what HE was doing!) and how much help I needed.

lightseeker

one last thing....you asked "when can we really believe that they are going to stop using?". You can't. It's a daily reprieve. All you can do is watch trends. The odds are against someone until they have at least 5 years of sobriety. Even then, that is no guarantee. Twice, my ex had 7 years of freedom from using crack and he went back each time. So....you really never can believe.

There are signs that you can look for though that indicate that there is at least intention to stop....actively working a recovery program, giving up "playgrounds and playmates", having a sponsor, going to meetings, staying in a facility no matter how barren it is - they are there for recovery not comfort, being willing to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, having other friends in recovery, putting their recovery first.

You can't make someone want to do that - it has to come from within. It helped me to change my boundaries and say "I don't live with anyone in active addiction. I am not in a relationship with someone with an addiction problem that doesn't work a recovery program". Only you can decide what you want to live with - not whether or not he will stop using.

Impurrfect

I can only tell you that when *I* said I'd "had enough and was done" with crack, my family did not believe me. They had no reason to....I'd white-knuckled it for the better part of a year, did a lot of damage in a two-week relapse.

It wasn't until my ACTIONS showed I was done that they even started having hope and that was months. I live with my family and often felt like a kid...call and let us know if you're going to be late; answer the phone when we call and if you can't, call back ASAP; let us know where you're at, etc. I'm 51!

However, I realized I owed them this accountability. The first sign I was using was I didn't answer my phone and I just disappeared. To this day, I'm pretty darned accountable but that's out of respect and, TBH, the way I was raised.

My stepmom, on the other hand, is an active addict. I've had to learn that there is NOTHING I can do about it. My dad is a typical codie, enables her and then complains about it. Can't do anything about HIM, either.

I continue to work on me. Eventually, I will have enough money to get my own place (HUGE financial consequences from when I used crack) and will allow them to live their own lives without having to have a front row seat to it. In the meantime, I read here, A LOT, as living in "dysfunction junction" can be tough, but it doesn't have to define me.

After having 3 XABFs, I realized that I spent more than 2 decades waiting for them to "get it" and put off having my own life. Never again. Yes, we A's can recover, but it's an inside job and I truly believe most of us have to face some harsh consequences before we even entertain the idea.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

zoso77

You can always hope for the best. You just can't allow that hope to dictate your decision making process. At the end of the day, we have to judge people not on their words, but by their actions.

As far as when will you know when he's truly done with drugs, you won't know for sure. But he will be done when he decides that enough is enough and does the necessary work to get honest with himself. That takes years. It's either that or he continues using until it kills him. And that's all on him.

Focus on you. Not him.

Best,
ZoSo

Yogagurl

Thank you so much for all of your comments. I would love to be able to focus on myself more, but while I am still living with him, I feel that it is almost impossible to focus on my own recovery. It's like I'm in a cacoon right now and I can't get out.

I mean, if I could just move out of the house, I feel that I would be so much better off. I have been enabling him for so long and I am so tired of doing so. I HATE THAT I ENABLE HIM. I am a clean person and I have always lived a decent quality of life, so I find myself picking up all the slack cleaning and have been buying all the groceries since the beginning of the relationship. Not to mention, all of the bills are in my name. I can't seem to get far enough ahead financially to just LEAVE. In the mean time, I suffer through this routine with him. And what's more, when he left for recovery a few weeks ago, not one of his family members called to see if I was doing alright. Any time someone contacted me it was to ask about him. No one seems to care about the person/partner who has been living with this mad man for so long. I can't believe how much I have been neglected through all of this. From every direction. I have been doing this alone. And that's ok. But I have no way of getting out of that house right now and until I do, I'm going to be stuck in the misery of his addiction and hoping that the cycle will stop.

I wish that there was a recovery program for those who are involved with active addicts. I was supposed to take a vacation almost 2 years ago and still haven't had the chance to use the time share because I can't come up with the money to travel. I can't believe how disregarded the people are who are involved with addicts.

Freedom1990

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. What's his track record over the past 10 years?

There are three examples of resources offered to him that I quoted.

He isn't ready, and may never be ready. My EXAH wasn't ever ready for recovery, and the end result was his death at the tender age of 47. He died of complications from AIDS, not an uncommon consequence with IV drug users.

I do understand the heavy burden you have carried, and with no one particularly expressing concern for your well-being. This is a family disease, one that affects everyone, and the focus is always on the addict.

I have a 35-year-old AD in active addiction. This has been going on for 20 years now. At this point, I have no hope she will ever seek recovery. Hope, for me, is an emotion based on potential future events, and has led me to bitter despair and disappointment in the end.

What I do have is faith, faith that she has a higher power watching over her just as I do too. I have faith that whatever God's plan is for her, I am not standing in the way anymore.

She has been living with me for a year now, and all I can tell you is I have boundaries. I remind myself each day to focus on me and my recovery. I have certainly detached emotionally. I take it a day at a time.

Fortunately my elderly parents are supportive of me. They used to be her best enablers, so that is a major life change for them. I have a good support system among other recovering codependents, my therapist, 12th step work, and reading/posting here at SR.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends.

dollydo

You can go to Naranon meetings, they will help you. Also, the Salvation Army has a free inpatient addiction recovery program, there is no need to spend anything on his recovery.

Just as he has a choice to get clean and embrace recovery for life, you also have choices, the longer you stay with him, the deeper the financial hole will become, until you come to a point where you will unable to dig yourself out. The sooner you stop the bleeding the better.

He is not in recovery, you can hope, beg, cry, threaten...he will not stop using until he is ready, and as long as you give him a soft place to land, the longer it will take him to reach his bottom and some do not have a bottom.

Read the stickeys and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips.

lightseeker

there is a recovery program for those that are involved with active addicts - both Naranon and Alanon are wonderful resources.

I know that you feel that you don't have time to deal with your own recovery program but the opposite is probably more the truth - you don't have time NOT to.....your circumstances are difficult and it sounds like you really don't have a lot of support.....the rooms of Alanon and Naranon are full of people that understand...the support is there for you and I hope that you will consider going to some meetings.

No matter how impossible the circumstances are there are ways to figure out how to live in a peaceful home without addiction. You might have to be creative but it definitely can be done. Not all in one day...but begin by taking the first steps. It took me several years to figure it out but the whole time I was working on a plan. I had to sell my house, I lost a lot of money, etc. BUT the cost of living with my ex was more than I could afford.

hello-kitty

What lightseeker said.

I used to ask myself, if I'm not willing to put time and work into my own recovery, how can I expect my "now ex" to do the work required for his. I realized I was being hypocritical. That was a turning point for me. I started putting in time and effort to change myself. I was no longer going to ask other people to do things I wasn't completely willing to do myself. That's how I took the focus off him and put it on me. I did whatever it took to recover.

Be the change you want to see in the world. That's all you can control. That's all you can do.