Hi
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2
Hi
Hey Everyone, I just want to say I am very happy to be here and thank you all for being here. I am on Day 6 of sobriety which is quite a feat for me in my long 20 years of drinking. I have really come to realize the 'progressive disease' aspect of alcoholism. I have tried to stop in the past, many times. I don't think I ever took it as seriously as I am now. I wrote a letter to my addiction on Day 2 which in some ways I view as almost a separate personality. Or perhaps I needed to set it apart from me, as it was taking over everything in my life. I am a 35 yr old woman from Canada, and I am a single mom to one awesome 8 year old. It hasn't been as hard physically to quit drinking as I thought it might, but definitely huge sugar cravings and psychologically craving a few times like MAD. I drank almost everyday, and quite heavily, either beer or wine. WELL! There is lots of time to share more, but I think I will share my letter to my addiction with you. Thanks for reading!
Dear Addiction,
There is so much to say. I truly don't know who I am without you. I haven't really known how to get away from you, because we have been integrated for such a long long time. I've made so many excuses for you over the years. I am thirsty for you. I ache for you. I want to light candles and dance with you and talk with you for hours. I want your embrace. I want your trickery and your magic. I want the way you take me. My how you've grown. I want to be in denial of all that you have taken from me and give you another chance.
You were such fun when we were young. You were then a daring experiment, a renegade little act of defiance and rebellion. You were part of the smoke and mirrors, part of the film noire movie of my life. You eased the depression and the dysfunction. Even in my early twenties I knew that I had a 'problem.' I tried, but I was not strong enough.
Addiction, you have always covered my emotional pain. And the truth is, I don't know if I want to be sober. But now at thirty five years old, I just can't justify you any longer.
I can't live under any illusions. Addiction, I am broke, and I think of how much money you stole from me. Sure, the past is the past and what's done is done, but the numbers are in the many thousands. I can't afford you anymore.
Addiction, you are a veil. You have also stolen from me days and days and days of my life. You have contributed to ruining jobs, friendships, marriages. In turn you have stolen from my child. Praise be to God that she is OK. But what happens if we continue?
Perhaps my being financially bankrupt is a wonderful gift, in allowing me to appreciate how mired I have been in addiction. If I had a fat bank account right now I would be getting dolled up and running out to be that social butterfly. Instead I am having to look reality square in the face.
Addiction, you have become so unbecoming. Perhaps there has to come a time in life where a person has to stop running. I have been letting you carry me. I have to get to the next step where I realize that there is a life beyond you. I believe I am slowly realizing this, or else I would not be writing this letter. I am not going to dwell on how selfish I have been, because I know all to well. I am not going to dwell on how lazy I have been, how often incompetent and insanely dark and dysfunctional. This I know. This is who I have been for many years.
I want different things now. I want success. I want health. I want Love. I want to create freely. For my child. For myself.
It is TIME to listen to that voice within, that has been calling out. I absolutely must give this voice some attention. Addiction, you have had plenty of my time. I don't blame anyone or anything. I do not think that what I am trying to do is going to be easy. I am realizing how very difficult it is indeed. Which only proves how powerful you are. Being without you feels like a punishment. I want to go to my selfish place. Rather, I must turn inward and divert from you. I see that I can only think of Now. Not the long run, not the possibility that you will win. Success is sobriety Right Now.
Dear Addiction,
There is so much to say. I truly don't know who I am without you. I haven't really known how to get away from you, because we have been integrated for such a long long time. I've made so many excuses for you over the years. I am thirsty for you. I ache for you. I want to light candles and dance with you and talk with you for hours. I want your embrace. I want your trickery and your magic. I want the way you take me. My how you've grown. I want to be in denial of all that you have taken from me and give you another chance.
You were such fun when we were young. You were then a daring experiment, a renegade little act of defiance and rebellion. You were part of the smoke and mirrors, part of the film noire movie of my life. You eased the depression and the dysfunction. Even in my early twenties I knew that I had a 'problem.' I tried, but I was not strong enough.
Addiction, you have always covered my emotional pain. And the truth is, I don't know if I want to be sober. But now at thirty five years old, I just can't justify you any longer.
I can't live under any illusions. Addiction, I am broke, and I think of how much money you stole from me. Sure, the past is the past and what's done is done, but the numbers are in the many thousands. I can't afford you anymore.
Addiction, you are a veil. You have also stolen from me days and days and days of my life. You have contributed to ruining jobs, friendships, marriages. In turn you have stolen from my child. Praise be to God that she is OK. But what happens if we continue?
Perhaps my being financially bankrupt is a wonderful gift, in allowing me to appreciate how mired I have been in addiction. If I had a fat bank account right now I would be getting dolled up and running out to be that social butterfly. Instead I am having to look reality square in the face.
Addiction, you have become so unbecoming. Perhaps there has to come a time in life where a person has to stop running. I have been letting you carry me. I have to get to the next step where I realize that there is a life beyond you. I believe I am slowly realizing this, or else I would not be writing this letter. I am not going to dwell on how selfish I have been, because I know all to well. I am not going to dwell on how lazy I have been, how often incompetent and insanely dark and dysfunctional. This I know. This is who I have been for many years.
I want different things now. I want success. I want health. I want Love. I want to create freely. For my child. For myself.
It is TIME to listen to that voice within, that has been calling out. I absolutely must give this voice some attention. Addiction, you have had plenty of my time. I don't blame anyone or anything. I do not think that what I am trying to do is going to be easy. I am realizing how very difficult it is indeed. Which only proves how powerful you are. Being without you feels like a punishment. I want to go to my selfish place. Rather, I must turn inward and divert from you. I see that I can only think of Now. Not the long run, not the possibility that you will win. Success is sobriety Right Now.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1
Klarity,
First time making a post.
We differ in how we arrived at the desire to give up drinking. Nonetheless, there is a common thread in that we look for a change.
Wish not to disappoint anyone here or diminish the benefits they associate with group meetings, one on one counseling or for that matter sharing experiences via a forum.
Following the aftermath of Sandy super storm, I was invited to stay with a lady friend. To say she is a friend is an understatement. She has been there when all others have not. Not that were many people to rely upon. I'll not detail my upbringing. only to say, it was hardly traditional. No children. No family. One friend. My drinking became obsessive. Morning through night. Drank since I was in my early teens. 48 years?
The toll it took on me I either could not see, didn't want to see, or really didn't give a damn. Now, I could say that the trauma of losing things served as a reason to sedate the misery through more drinking. Doesn't matter. Fact is I did.
After several flare ups where I was unable or again didn't care, to compose myself and not over react in situations that normally would not have been a big deal, I realized the things I said (and my actions) was going to cause an inevitable loss of the only one I have in my life. In short, she gives me a book to read that has nothing to do with overcoming alcohol. Doesn't even touch on the subject. Mind power in the 21st century. I read, read, and read some more. 11 days no alcohol. Got a prescription (Naltrexone), but have not taken it. No meetings. No medication. No support. My friend left me entirely alone in a room at her friends house. It was me and the walls.
I have no physical issues coming off. Mentally, I ignore even the slightest thought or image of drinking and focus on a new life beyond alcohol free.
Wish you luck.
First time making a post.
We differ in how we arrived at the desire to give up drinking. Nonetheless, there is a common thread in that we look for a change.
Wish not to disappoint anyone here or diminish the benefits they associate with group meetings, one on one counseling or for that matter sharing experiences via a forum.
Following the aftermath of Sandy super storm, I was invited to stay with a lady friend. To say she is a friend is an understatement. She has been there when all others have not. Not that were many people to rely upon. I'll not detail my upbringing. only to say, it was hardly traditional. No children. No family. One friend. My drinking became obsessive. Morning through night. Drank since I was in my early teens. 48 years?
The toll it took on me I either could not see, didn't want to see, or really didn't give a damn. Now, I could say that the trauma of losing things served as a reason to sedate the misery through more drinking. Doesn't matter. Fact is I did.
After several flare ups where I was unable or again didn't care, to compose myself and not over react in situations that normally would not have been a big deal, I realized the things I said (and my actions) was going to cause an inevitable loss of the only one I have in my life. In short, she gives me a book to read that has nothing to do with overcoming alcohol. Doesn't even touch on the subject. Mind power in the 21st century. I read, read, and read some more. 11 days no alcohol. Got a prescription (Naltrexone), but have not taken it. No meetings. No medication. No support. My friend left me entirely alone in a room at her friends house. It was me and the walls.
I have no physical issues coming off. Mentally, I ignore even the slightest thought or image of drinking and focus on a new life beyond alcohol free.
Wish you luck.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Welcome to the forums Klarity,
I'm glad that you're on day 6 of your recovery. It's such an achievement to have another day sober to add to the total. My physical cravings went away really quickly. The psychological ones, at least for me, come and go. I have to keep them in check by working a program of recovery around them. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. Remember that if you put as much effort into your recovery as you did into your drinking then you will be ok.
Natom.
I'm glad that you're on day 6 of your recovery. It's such an achievement to have another day sober to add to the total. My physical cravings went away really quickly. The psychological ones, at least for me, come and go. I have to keep them in check by working a program of recovery around them. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. Remember that if you put as much effort into your recovery as you did into your drinking then you will be ok.
Natom.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 24
Welcome!
I enjoyed reading the letter. Ive noticed that when alot of people come into this, the first and best emotion to have is discust. Its good to know that you seem to be in the enough is enough part and are making progress already. Having leverage to something greater than yourself such as a child, is also a great way to have compelling reasons to stay clean. Keeping this letter that you wrote as a constant and never ending reminder, as in seeing it and reading it day to day would be helpful as well.
I enjoyed reading the letter. Ive noticed that when alot of people come into this, the first and best emotion to have is discust. Its good to know that you seem to be in the enough is enough part and are making progress already. Having leverage to something greater than yourself such as a child, is also a great way to have compelling reasons to stay clean. Keeping this letter that you wrote as a constant and never ending reminder, as in seeing it and reading it day to day would be helpful as well.
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