Ptcapote

Sorry for the multiple posts but I wanted to ask some guidance. I know in AA part of the steps is owning your behavior and apologizing where possible to those you hurt while drinking or drunk. I haven't been in the program long enough yet to be working much beyond the first and second steps but I did some serious damage verbally (via email) this past weekend while on my binge. To those who know I am in recovery I have admitted that I had a relapse and apologized. However, I also lashed out pretty angrily at two people who do not know I am an alcoholic and who I am reluctant to tell because they are work colleagues. I want to make amends but I am also too shaky right now in my day one to run the risk of setting off another round of conflict. Should I just own it? Is there a way to own it without having to disclose that you're a drunk? I hate the feeling of having caused hurt or pain to an innocent bystander who just happened to be on the other end of one of my drunken tirades but I also don't want to open Pandora's box again. Or is this just more avoidance behavior?

Boy this sucks---reminds me of why I stopped drinking.

AM9610

Depends on how close you are to those two co-workers and what your level of trust is with them. An apology is a good start, but how much you reveal beyond that will be up to you. Let's say that down the road they let it slip to others in the workplace that you are struggling with alcohol...how might it affect your job? All things to consider.

bbthumper

This is why the 9th step is where it is. It does not come first. We work the first 8 before it. The 9th step is a lot more than saying sorry. It is a lot more than just apologizing for what we have done when drinking. I caused a lot of harm not drinking as well. It is about a complete willingness to do what is necessary to mend(set right) a situation in which we have caused harm.

That being said, if you feel the need to apopogize, go for it, but understand if you work the steps you may have to revisit this and do more than just say "Im sorry."

Dee74

Amends are more than simple apologies, which is why AA has them at the other end of the 12 steps

not that they need my approval but I think they have that right - you need to have a certain recovery maturity to deal with that step.

There's nothing wrong with apologising to people if you've been a jerk tho, alcoholic or not IMO - if you think it's necessary.

How much you divulge is up to you of course but I'd err on the side of caution.

D

AM9610

BTW, although I have not been in that exact situation, I have had people wonder what's going on with me and ask if I'm OK. If I don't want to share a lot of detail, I simply tell them that I have not been looking out for my health/stress levels and it's been taking a toll but I am doing something about it. That usually is sufficient.

Ptcapote

Thank you AM9610 and bbthumper. I need to work the steps in order for sure because Step 9 scares the crap out of me, to be honest. One of the reasons (among many) that I stopped drinking was because my personality shifts so radically when I drink. I can't tell you how many times over the past five years I have heard, "WHO ARE YOU?!!" from people in my life. That's kind of what I am facing with those two colleagues now who have never seen this side of me and are rightfully stunned and very, very angry. Given that I am thousands of miles from home right now I think I will probably just wait until I get back later in the week and figure out what to do then. Although I am sober today I am still having those wonderful panic/anxiety issues that come with a hangover so I am probably not in the best shape to make decisions now without fear of screwing things up even further.

paul99

Amends are certainly a little further on in the steps. Too early to take them on now. There is some groundwork that needs to be laid first before jumping in on amends...this groundwork can be done as quickly as you and a sponsor feels that it needs to be done. But you will need a sponsor first.

Having said that, if you want to apologize (different than an amend, remember), you can do that. Lots of people have heard us say sorry over and over again. That's why an amend is not an apology. Anyway, in your case, you don't have to disclose your alcohol issues, but you'll have to come up with something. You can state that you weren't in a good place, etc. If you have to see them every day, then something will have to be said, I imagine.

Anna

I am not an AA person and I think apologizing is an important part of recovery. Making amends is different and even more important.

However, I would never, ever reveal to co-workers that I was an alcoholic. Others don't understand and there are so many misconceptions of what an alcoholic is. Once you tell someone, there is no taking it back, so be sure of what you are planning to do.

ricmcc

I have only been in recovery for about 11 months, so I am hardly an expert in these matters, but I believe that the BB says something to the effect of making amends where it will not cause harm to you or others. If you feel too shaky to talk to your co-workers now, why not delay it until you are feeling ready, and then can make amends without harming anyone. I do fully agree with Dee, however, there is never any harm in saying sorry to someone you have offended, but perhaps you can do so without mention of recovery, just something along the line of maybe " terribly sorry for the e-mails, I was in a bit of a rough patch when I sent them, and they do not reflect my true feelings toward you at all'. Just a suggestion, and best of luck to you----rick

Ptcapote

Thanks everyone. I think the worst part of today, besides the hangover, was having to wake up and re-read the emails I sent. One of the people I sent a nasty one to is actually the grown child of a very abusive alcoholic so the guilt associated with that is pretty bracing.

YouRmySunshine

I am not at that point in my recovery, but greatly appreciate all the great responses many have posted here. Im slowing inching to steps 8-9 but I know everyone works at a different rate.
All the best in your recovery Ptcapote. at least you are reaching out & admitting to yourself & others here that you are sorry for your words.

vegibean

Ditto to everything Dee said, but I wanted to add that I think that work relationships need to stay professional at all times, in other words, I personally would NOT tell them anything personal that can be later used against me or be used as a reason to fire me. As an HR person, you don't really need much of a reason to fire anyone, and that's the truth, so don't provide you're own noose.

I want to second, apologizing for anything that you think you were wrong for shows a good gesture on your part.