kizzie

I've just left the house heading for the pub after making sure my husband has what he needs to get our 2 yo tucked into bed. Given that I'm binging 1-2 times a week now, it's only a matter of time before DH has to share my problems with my 12yo stepson, who has enough of this ******** to deal with already. Probably DH will give SS the story tonight. My husband married an alcoholic. He knew it when he married me but surely not when he met me. Sometimes I feel like he's challenging me; I picked up the wine today after he gave me 45 minutes on my own while he went to the physio, and he knew I was feeling fragile. NO!!! I know it's not on him. I ******* hate this disease, what it does to me, and what it does to my intelligent, capable, reasonable mind. I've been standing on the corner of my block for 5 (10, 15, 20) minutes typing this in the semi-conscious hope that he will come out and rescue me from myself, but I know it's not about him. He has to get our baby and his son ready for bed. In no small way I'm glad that's on him because I'm tired of feeling the bedtime routine (from 4:30-7:30) is all mine, and I want him to know what it feels like. But of course now it will all continue to be about my drinking. I'm going to keep walking now, and as you know from experience I will keep drinking until I'm ready to stop no matter what you say. For me, it will probably be about 11pm when the pub mgr kicks me out, thankfully. Then I will walk home and feel mortally, horribly ashamed of myself for two days. Then I will start over again and pray pray PRAY that it will stick forever next time or at least for several years like last time.

Seiceps

Can't you go anywhere else or just keep walking until you want to go home ? I don't know if that's safe todo where you live. Or go to the movies. But yeah I know that drive is strong once you've decided to face the guilt anyway. I'm sorry your feeling so helpless at the moment , but it's just a moment , the next one can change xx

ReadyAtLast

Maybe walk round the block and go home,avoid the bar. Talk with your husband. Is he supportive? He will be pleased you've gone home. I have a young child and know how mundane the evening routine can be and how you sometimes just want to escape, Drinking isn't the answer though and ime always made me feel worse,not just then but the next day too.

melissa6381

I recognize this "it's too late nothing can talk me out of this". That's the kind of out of control thinking its what led to my last relapse. I am afraid of the time in the future when my addiction tries to boss me around again. This is the hard part and I hope you don't drink tonight. We are here for you.

kizzie

Thanks all. The shadow under every sunlit tree called to me. Do you know that feeling when you've had the punishment, you may as well do the deed ... That's me. DH & I had such a lovely morning. When I disappeared and it was clear to DH I'd had some wine this arvo, I made the decision to drink another bottle (because he was so mad at me anyway; you know, it's all his fault). Sheesh. I am so aware of how ridiculous I am and I choose to make fun rather than do anything about it. I'm sitting down now so maybe the anxiety adrenalin hit will subside and I'll be able to make some sober decisions. Though I have a glass of white next to me, so chances grow slim.

melissa6381

Oh man. I know the feeling of once I start drinking I've already disappointed myself so I just keep going all the way to black out town. You should revisit this thread in a different frame of mind and use it to get to know your AV better- that way this slip can become learning tool for you. Hugs and love.

Dee74

Hi Kizzie

I drank at a lot of people over the years.

At some level, I drank because I wanted them so much to rescue me, and then I drank in rage when they didn't.

I set myself up so that no matter what happened I drank.

Drinking at others never solved the problem, never helped them...and it never helped me.

You can only avoid things for so long and you can only run so far, trust me.

You're a young mum. There's got to be a better way for you to deal with things than wandering the streets and hitting the pub - y'know?

Have you given any thought to what else you could do - finding more support, making changes in your life?

D

TiredWolf

Don't try to do it alone.

Get some help, this forum is a nice start.

Addiction/alcoholism does it's damage by isolating you...don't give in, get some other people involved.

Muzzwell

With me I had to get angry at myself, I had to take a hard look at reality, the single thing we try to avoid. I see it as building blocks in a literal war. I visualise the people in my life that would like to see me fail and associate that with the drink. I also learned the facts of what this was doing to my body (something I was avoiding). To get out of the loop you need a big push. I have found that push thankfully about 5 weeks ago. I now have pride in place to keep on the straight and narrow (hopefully it will stick). I owe it to my kids. What gets you out of the loop will not be strong enough to keep you solid. You need to literally see it like a war and arm yourself to the teeth. It is self destruction, the only way out is to love yourself faults and all. Us **** heads are a strange bunch, generally very intelligent and sensitive. Find your spark and go get your life back. You do not stand alone. Regards Mark.

Nonsensical

That's your Alcoholic Voice talking to you. She wants alcohol and will tell you anything to get it. Anything. She has to talk you into it because she can't get it for herself. You're the one with arms and legs. You're the one who can get to the pub. She is powerless to do it without you.

She lies, she cons, she tricks, she bullies. She doesn't care if she ruins your life, and she doesn't understand that if you die, she dies also. She only knows she likes alcohol. But you know better. You know better, but the constant badgering wears you down. The negotiating, the rationalizing...and then opportunity comes and you collapse.

I know it all too well. My AV is a relentless SOB.

You CAN tell her no. She won't like it. She'll work hard at you, like a 2-year-old who wants candy. She'll have a tantrum. She'll tell you you're worthless. Let her. She's a liar. She is powerless to get alcohol without you.

Tell her no.

ricmcc

Kizzie, I must say that in every post of yours which I have read, you come across as a very intelligent, warm hearted and articulate person who is quite troubled, to the point of being self-punishing. I really do hope that you do come to find sobriety. To that end, I'll briefly mention what caused me to stop drinking, in the hope that some of my experience might sound vaguely familar to you (please remember that I am only speaking about me, here, not you or your specific circumstances; also, remember that I am still quite new at this, it won't be a year sober for me until the end of next month). I was a life long drinker, never getting too terribly drunk, but also never getting too terribly sober, either. As well, I had for years been Dx'ed and Rx'd meds to treat bipolar disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder. Late last winter I had the none too brilliant idea of going off my psych meds, with predicable, yet rather dire results. It ended up in my having to live in an actually quite nice semi-medical facility ( always a nurse on duty, a max of three in-house patients at any time) while I got my meds in order, and addressed my drinking. It did take quite some time, but eventually both issues were favourably resolved, and I returned home. My point is that regardless of how nice the place where I stayed was, it wasn't home, and I missed my wife and daughter dearly, dearly enough to make some major changes--I believe I got off very lightly, actually, as I was shown just what I had to lose, without llosing it permanently, which might well have happened. When I came home, I made a point of taking my meds properly in front of my wife, including Antibuse, which I had requested as I sort of safety net. Actually, I put up as many safety nets as possible, including many groups, and private therapy, and re-engaging in old hobbies so as to have a life that was interesting in the absence of drink. Because of the bipolar issues, I have been on disability from work for some time now, and had been the principle care giver to our daughter since my wife returned to work after one year of maternity leave, so I do know that reguardless of the rewards, looking after a 2 year old can have mind-numbing moments (at one point I vowed to hunt down and eliminate the makers of Teletubbies ). So the reason for the long winded post is that perhaps you as well might benefit from some therapy appropriate to you, so as to help you understand just why you engage in behaviour that you know will cause you grief, and attend support groups to the same end. I suggest this with the utmost respect for you, as all alcoholics do seem to engage in behaviour they know to be self-destructive; I certainly did. At any rate, I do very much wish you all the best, and also wish the best of luck to you, as I said, you seem a very decent sort who really does deserve to give herself a break, and come to regard herself highly enough to know that she deserves better, deserves recovery. Terribly long-winded post, this, and sorry for that, but again I do truly hope that you manage to find health and recovery--Best to You,rick

Fitness1234

Day one again....I haven't been drinking a lot but I just am sick of this. Today I will not drink no matter wat.

kizzie

Thank you ALL. I have been drinking but am not drunk. I am putting myself in the hands of those who will push me in a good direction. I'll post again tomoz. I haven't done my worst today but I wish I'd done better, is all.

hawkeyefan

I'm not sure what time it is there but when you wake up this am please do not feel like such a failure you give on today too. We have all caved in to the AV and then felt like "why bother, I can't quit". Today IS a new day like everyone here says..Accept that you failed yesterday but you can start again today. Use the advice you've been given here. You and your family deserve it!!

kizzie

I had a rough day 1 yesterday. I had no desire to drink (still don't), but the physical hangover and emotional anguish were quite brutal. I'm still feeling mentally fragile today. I have an appointment with my psych today and hubby is going with me to help me explain to him that I'm not 'just' a problem drinker. I'm still not sure if this psychiatrist is the right one for me. At our first meeting (we've had only 2 appointments so far) he said that binging on a bottle + of wine once or twice a week isn't as problematic as having 4 glasses a night. Given that it takes me 3 days to fully recover from a binge, I don't agree with that assessment, but I think he meant in terms of physical dependence and withdrawal. Anyway, I hope to get some more clarity from him today with my husband there to keep us on point. At my last appt we spent most of the time talking about why my husband's dramas with his ex over my stepson aren't my problem, which may be true; but the fact is that the drinking makes it all very much worse, and that issue is my first priority.

I've decided I need to make some new friends so I've temporarily de-activated my Facebook account (gasp!) and will be hanging out here a lot more. :-) Thanks for the support and kind words.

Dee74

If what he said is what you wrote, then I disagree with the guy too - I'd look around for someone who knows something about addiction Kizzie.

D

kizzie

Well, we have things sorted with the psychiatrist now. As I said, I'd only seen him twice before today, and at our first session when I told him about my alcohol use he thought I meant that I'd go through one bottle+ of wine over the course of 4 to 6 days, when what I said was that once every 4-6 days, I go through an entire bottle or more of wine. So a big difference in meanings there! Now we are on the same page so hopefully we'll progress together better. I've got my eye on an AA meeting tomoz as well. Onward and upward ...

coraltint

good for you, kizz, keep it up!!