lost1570

Hi,

I am new to this site. I hope someone can help as I am feeling very lost at the moment. I have been with my partner for over 6 years. I probably realised that he was a functioning alcoholic after about a year of being together. However, I say functioning, he lost he licence due to drink driving and his job of 10 years due to numerous 'sick days' and a drunken phone call to the director. He has also lost friendships due to drinking. He is very emotional agressive when he has been drinking and puts me down alot. He has tried to get help, the doctor refered him to rehab, however he didnt want to go due to work commitments. He hides alcohol, and lies about the amount he has drank - but i know him so well now I know when he has.

Three years ago we moved to Australia (from the UK as he got offered a good job opportunity, as I was in two minds whether to go as I love my friends and family and I am very much a home girl. I was also concerened because of the alcohol issue, however he was convinced that a new lifestyle would change him/help him).

I left after a year as the drinking got really bad again & very intense between us. We kept in touch and I ended up coming back to Australia 8 months ago.

Anyway, the reason why I am on here is because the drinking has again got bad. He has had 3 jobs since he has been out here. He blames me for them not working out, he says that its because I cause him stress all the time and I have ruined his life. He is emotionally agressive again and has started to get slightly physically aggressive. Last weekend he threw my laptop off the balcony.

He is very depressed at the moment & maybe losing he job again in three weeks (not through his fault), he doesnt feel successful, he hates his apprearance lately, he hates his drinking & doesnt like what it has done to us. BUT, he blames me for everything. Says that our relationship issues have cause him to drink and be stressed at worked. I have always wanted to go back to the UK and speak about it everyday, howver he is not sure if he can get a job there and he wants to stay in Australia for a while. This is obviously causing stress.

All my friends think I should come back home to the UK. theye say he will never change. He has even told me he will never change (when he has been on a drink depression). I just dont know what to do, i love him & I know its not his fault, but i dont know how much i can take of this. I also feel slightly to blame. Do I learn to live with this or stay with the person I love? I am 29 he is 35. Not married and no children yet.

Any advice would I would be very grateful..

Thanks

LexieCat

I don't normally recommend whether someone stays or goes, but I have to ask you, what on earth do you think will happen if you stay? What happiness are you getting from this relationship?

I'm a bit incredulous that you use the term "functioning" where he is CLEARLY not "functioning" in any way, shape, or form. You are 29. You have many, many years in your life. How many do you want to spend chained to this man?

Your belief that you are somehow to blame for this situation is utterly, one hundred percent, incorrect. If you are not convinced, I suggest you attend some Al-Anon meetings and learn a bit about alcoholism. This disease will NOT get better on its own, and it does not appear that he has any interest in recovery at this point. And your instincts about the potential for violence should not be ignored, either. He is destroying your property. How much more would it take for him to grab YOU if there's nothing of yours handy to take out his aggression on?

SparkleKitty

I can't tell you whether to stay or go, but I can state with confidence that you deserve better than what you have gotten so far. If it never gets better than this, will that be the life that you will want to have led?

When someone shows you who they are...believe them. I wish you strength and courage. Please keep coming back and read all you can here. There are lot of people who have been right where you are and understand all that you are going through.

winegum

Hi Lost,
I am 29 too. My mother is an alcoholic. My only saving grace is my sense of self worth. I will never let someone emotionally abuse me again. There are wonderful men out there that will build you up inside, not tear you down. I am lucky enough to have (finally) found one myself, but please, do not settle in life until you do too. Imagine yourself in ten years with this guy if this is where you are at after six. You are stronger on your own than clinging to a sinking, drinking ship.

lost1570

Thank you all for you comments

As you all know, its just hard. Especilly as I feel some part to blame (always talking about wanting to go back to the UK & causing stress). I am also very argumentative after he has pushed me for a reaction. I try and stay calm but he can only push me with emotianal comments before I then respond with emotional comments back. Its very difficult to see someone that you love become an absolute broken person

LexieCat

Alcoholics do not drink because of stress. They drink because they have the disease of alcoholism. And even if you have engaged in arguments you might have been wiser to drop, that does not excuse his behavior or his drinking. You are only responsible for your own actions, not his.

Yes, it is VERY difficult to watch someone who is bent on self-destruction. I, personally, chose to step away from it, knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it. I am very, VERY thankful that I did.

DreamsofSerenity

Go!

Redheadsusie

I stayed with a man like that for 13 years because of guilt and because I loved him. We are now split- it took me 6 times to finally do it and stick to it. Your A sounds like he is who he is - you don't want to be like me and wait 13 years and say what the heck did I waste my time for? You are worth a lot more!

jessiec

I noticed you didn't say one positive thing about this man in your original thread. Do you even like or want to be with him?

ODAT63

Are you talking about you? It was very difficult for me to see me so broken, and got so much emotional abuse I hated myself. I had to get out of the cycle to see the madness in my relationship with AXH.

thislonelygirl

Everytime I see someone answer their own questions its heartbreaking.
You know the answer. Youve seen the answer. Youve heard the answer.
I think you wajt to stay but want to let it all out. Thats ok too and thats why this forum is so great
Because we are here to listen.
He made excuse after excuse one being his commitment to work
Yet through his alcoholism he has bounced from job to job (his true commitment is to alcohol)
He wanted to move and said it would help (also denying by stating its the atmosphere and not him)
He lost his license and still....he finds ways to wiggle around the issue.
Wouldnt you think that if someone wanted to drive and not go to jail... someone cared gravely about their job....and cared about themselves theyde stop doing negative actions?
Ah ha ! But then theres addiction...a complete insanity to what normal folks think and do.
Can he stop...he still puts the bottle above all else and until he is truly disgusted in the bottle will he reach out. He hasnt and hes going down .
Will you follow him?
Thats all up to you

atdawn

Hello,

I rarely post these days, just want to say I have been where you have been, except I had 2 kids with him (don't do that ;-)). I left and am so glad I did, although at the time is was very scary to jump into the unknown. But the prospect of staying any longer was scarier. That being said, coming to that realization was a slow process - It took me six years from the time I joined this forum to the time when I finally left. Reading on here over the years slowly helped me I think to accept the fact that things could not get better but could only get worse.

After having left, it seems so obvious that it was the right thing to do, but when I was in the middle of it, it was not that obvious. I think my way of thinking had been altered, living with an alcoholic changed my perception of what normal was.

I used to feel guilty too as all the blame was put on me, we tried the 'geographical cure' also and that only kept him sober for a few months. Your story seems very similar to what mine was. The thing is, this is an ugly disease which is ruining not only the alcoholic's life but also the lives of their 'loved' ones.

Do you want to spend the rest of your precious life in this relationship knowing it will not get better but can only get worse? Or are you are still hoping it can get better?

I remember going to some friends' house and they said they had been together for 36 years and my heart sank as I thought to myself - Oh my god I don't think I can do this - there is no way I can live like this for another 25+ years. Now I am with someone else and time will tell what happens but the idea of spending 36+ years with that person makes me smile.

kale

Picture yourself as someone that a normal man could love and communicate with in a loving and normal way. That's you. Then picture what you have.

There is very little harm you could doing in this relationship, very little stress you could be causing that even begins to rival the harm and stress he brings with his addiction. His blame is absolutely bogus.

Just a though: What if the love you feel is more akin to attachment? Not full love as you hope to experience it, but something that feels sort of like it. A closely held dream, a longing, a fear of changing? Was for me.

I think you should accept none of his blame and if you see error in yourself, see only that for whatever reason you were drawn to him and have had had a hard time seeing your way out of this.

I have to agree with Lexiecat. Your man is not functioning.

When I go to al-anon, most people there seem to be trying to find ways to cope with a loved one's ongoing addiction, rather than cope with a past relationship. It a hard road to walk to be happy and married to an addict. You have to constantly maintain your emotional detachment. You can't just love and be loved. It's a hard puzzle that people appear to work and re-work.

I feel lucky that I'm getting out of my relationship relatively young with no kids. I'm freeee!

MamaKit

I know it is hard for many of us here who have been through the wringer with our A's not to scream "RUN AND RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!: We look back and wish we had seen the signs before we were so entrenched with codependency and raising children together. You've come right out and asked the question. And although it is up to you and only you can make the choice - there is a lot of shared pain on this board from our experiences. Some of us may even envy the position you are in to have the opportunity to escape relatively "clean." But you are in the middle of this situation and it is very hard.
I will say this....what is in it for you? Does he support you emotionally? Does coming home to him feel like you are landing in a safe place surrounded by warmth and love? If the answer to those is "no" then don't expect those things to develop while he is actively drinking and is not committed to recovery.

On a side note:
I'm intrigued that others have experience with their A's trying the "geographical cure." Would be an interesting thread.

Good luck to you. Please know that you deserve love, respect and kindness...nothing less.

Hugs,
MamaKit

lost1570

Jessiec - There are lots of things I love about him & like about him...when he is sober. But he hasnt been sober for a while now as he is going through a bad stage again. If he wants to push me away then he is doing a good job. Its hard to say positive things sometimes.

I have taken advice from the above threads and I am going to the Al-anon meeting next tuesday. I have been reading up on the website and have got some good advice already - such as not arguing back when the person is under the influence.

Bad news yesterday which changes alot of things. he lost his job yesterday. This time it was not actually due to his depression or drinking. But I worry now because he is at home 'looking for work' whilst drinkling. He was already drunk this morning when I got up for work. I hope this pushes him into not drinking and to focus on looking for a new role and to get out of this rut.

I will support him with food, rent etc but not for a drink habit.

lost1570

Thank you for all the comments. It all really helps already.

Maybe I have answered my own question - but I just dont want to believe it. Still hanging onto a dream that we can be happy together and he will get better.

Yes the geographic cure does not work. But he doesnt beleive that it hasnt worked because of his drinking. He beleives it has not worked because of the stress ofour relationship. He has said he was so happy when he moved out here. A completely different person, he was drinking in a 'happy & social way'. But apprantley I put a stop to that as I gave him continual stress about stay out all night whilst he was enjoying himself...and now because of that he is back to drinking at home alone as I stopped him from going out.

To be honest I think he is at the 'middle' stages of drinking (I read the details on the AL-Anon' website. What makes me think this is because he used to be able to handle his drink quite well...but now i have noticed that he gets drunk very quickly. Is this a normal thing?

dollydo

Take some times to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs. There is alot of helpful information on enabling, codpendency, addiction and abuse.

I am concerned about his anger issues, throwing your laptop off the balcony is a big red flag to me. Be careful, be ready to leave if you need to.

Keep posting it will help.

Coty

Not sure if this will help, but My A hid his drinking for years before I realized there was a problem. We've been married for 26 years. By then he was verbally abusing me and our three children. Then blamed all his bad behavior and drinking on the Economy. I stayed after numerous episodes of him cursing me out in public. Then it finally happened. He drank one night. Got angry and physically abused me in front of my 8 year old son, who tried to protect me. I couldn't leave. No job. No money. Then it happened again. I sold all my jewelry and moved out with two of my children. I want my family back together and wanted to try and see how things went. But in a 3 month period, my husband has gone on 2 binges. I was looking forward to moving back in my home but am realizing that he is still going to drink. My children pray every night for us to get back together and my decision is just so difficult. But how can I go back knowing that he's not alcohol free....my lease is up in September and I'm going to have to tell the children that we are not going anywhere.

LexieCat

Coty,

You are very wise not to consider going back under these circumstances. Your children, as much as they would like to see the family reunited, are much safer with you, and away from their father at this time. Witnessing violence is worse for kids than witnessing drinking (which is bad enough).

Hugs, you are doing the right thing. Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, I hope you will try it.

lost1570

Hi Coty,

Thanks for your thougyts. What a sad situation for you. I am suprised that the children want to go back?

I always say to my friends that he would never be physically abbusive to me...but your story has just made me realise that even after 26 years of marrage...it can still happen years on.