Lynnrae2

I posted my story back in October. My exab has finally decided to get help. I took him to rehab on Friday Februay 8th. I told him several years ago that I would make the walk with him if he ever decided to do it. I intend to keep my word.

I have no idea, what comes next. He asked me to go through all the counseling and everything with him. I will do that.

I am scared to death about this, because I am finally starting to get back to being me and moving on.

I am hoping that this will bring not only peace and healing for him, but also for me.

If anyone has any advice, about the whole rehab process, I would really appreciate it.

CodeNameGiggles

My experience alone is that detox and rehab is not necessarily a "family" affair, though there were family opportunities.

When my husband went to rehab, while he was in the first steps, he was only able to call twice a week, on set days, and the family sessions were also set days. Once a week, some time was set aside for visiting time, and they also had two nights where you could do a meeting/therapy session/meet which was shorter. Other than that, therapy and counseling was on his own.

If he had gone to inpatient care, it would have been similarly set up, though he would have been able to call more frequently. He did outpatient and his treatment program was mainly meetings for him and one on one counseling for him. Prior to his detox, I had already been doing therapy on my own. I also had one of his counselors request to meet with me one on one, which was eye opening on both of our parts.

My personal advice is - find your own peace and healing. Do it for yourself. It's going to be a different process, and you'll have different wants and needs than he is going to have both for himself and for you.

Recovering2

My RABF went through 2 months at an inpatient faciity. There was very limited contact. He was allowed to make short phone calls on the weekend, and had limited computer contact on the weekend. Once he went to a day treatment, he could make calls at night and had more computer access. I attended a family recovery program at his facility, it was great. The focus was not on the A, it was on how we recover from our experiences.

I agree that treatment is not really a "family" affair. The focus is on him. You may not know alot of what is happening. I was not included in treatment plans, etc. It was his journey, not mine. When he got out, there were no long conversations about what happened and how he was doing. In fact, there was very little meaningful conversation..mostly surface stuff. I'm learning it takes time for them to process their experience and figure out the next steps.

I guess I would caution you about getting pulled into his journey too much. You mention he's an ex. Listen to your gut, and do what's best for you. You say you're just starting to get back to being you....I get that completely. You can both work on your own path right now. Stick with your work on your recovery, let him focus on his. If he's truly serious, he'll do it whether you're involved or not. And if your relationship is meant to be, things will work themselves out. But you need to try to not lose focus on your path by focusing too much on his. I hope that makes sense...

allysen

When my husband entered rehab for three weeks, he was allowed 5 minutes of phone time per day. Visitors were allowed on the weekends, but only if they participated in the program which involved an educational lecture along with the addiction residents, an Al-Anon meeting, and a debriefing session which didn't include the residents. When he completed the program, he left with a 'recovery plan.' To this day, I don't actually know what is in the plan. Its his business, not mine. My advice is to always focus on your recovery, not his - its not your job to supervise, manage or judge his recovery.

Hanna

Rehab can be different depending upon the type of program, length and the commitment of the addict.

How long is the program meant to last?

You can use this time to work on you and be grateful he is in a safe place.

Lynnrae2

thank you for the replies. I know that this is about him and that I cant consume myself with his issues anymore.

During this process though, is there a time during the counseling or any other part that I will finally get to address the awful things that he had done to me. Will He and I ever get to have a session with any of the counselors to where he and I can try to make peace with each other.

or

Is that something that may never take place between us?

Lynnrae2

It is a minimum of 30 days. In my opinion he needs way more than that. The last part about him being in a safe place and working on me.

I couldnt agree more. That is exactly what I have been saying to myself. And what a relief that has been. He is leaving me alone. I know where he is at. It is peaceful and quiet. There is no drama etc. Its like a huge wait has been lifted off of my shoulders. So much in fact, that part of me really doesnt want to go through any of this with him. (so much damage has been done).

Lynnrae2

one other question that I have is....How does recovery affect the relationship. My guess is that he and I will end up parting ways completely.

The little bit that I have read...when A's come into sobriety. They are completely different people. They should not be in any type of relationship for a long while and alot of times once they can think clearly again, they find that they do not like the person they are with and vice versa.

What are the chances of a relationship that has gone through hell....on rocky ground already....surviving sobriety.

As I stated earlier. There is so much damage between he and I that I am not so sure we could last or if I even want to try again.

Hanna

I've been to a friends and family week at one rehab that including interaction with my loved one, my brother, in a group setting where we might have had some discussion about the past. I don't remember specifically addressing hurts but I didn't have any major hurt or anger caused by him and so I might just not recall it.

The program that he entered last did not have a friends and family portion.
I actually don't think his recent program had any individual counseling at all.
It was 12 step based and community based. They work together on a program of healing.

If he is in a program like that I highly recommend a separate counselor. NA and AA have helped my brother get sober and be much healthier, but there is still other stuff that we have been through as a family that would be best addressed in therapy. One of the reasons I come here is because of the interactive nature; we give each other more feedback than I have ever seen in an al-anon or AA type meeting.
I'm not sure about the stats on relationships after rehab. You can bet if he gets clean he will change quite a bit. My brother has gone through a great deal of change. His personality is still there, but he looks at life differently. Differently in a good way.

It is so hard to not know what will happen in the future and it takes a great deal of adjustment to accept that. I know you want to know what will happen, where things will be a year from now but we just can never know.

Not sure of your spiritual beliefs but mine definitely helped me and have grown trendously through this process.

SparkleKitty

It might be a good idea to assume this will never take place between you. Then if it does, hallelujah. Don't let it hold you back from your own growth and recovery, though, if you can. Stay strong!

Recovering2

Whether you get counseling together or a time to try and make peace is going to depend on what type of program he's in. I spent a week at my BF's treatment center in a family program, but didn't really see him. Of the entire week, the patients were included in our lectures for one afternoon, and one morning on a different day. We did small group, and each got a chance to have a one on one. That was it. You may be able to call the facility he's going to and find out if there's any options for you. Don't be surprised if it's focused on him alone. That is their focus...you will likely need to have your own counselor to focus on your issues.

I can tell you, my RABF is coming up on 90 days. I know he is aware of how much hurt he caused, but we don't talk about it. He is focusing on him, his recovery, and I'm okay with that. I have learned through AlAnon, that it will take him getting to the 9th step in AA before he really understands what amends need to be made. So I have to be patient with that, even though I would like apologies today!

Rosiepetal

I think if an A is in recovery & someone is wishing to support or be in a relationship or just be a friend to them & there is history then that person needs to forget the past & all negative things that happened & focus on one day at a time. If they are unable to forget I don't think it's a good idea to raise the past as the A moves forward to focus on their recovery.
The future would be uncertain in a relationship.
It is a journey & if there is a relationship involved then both people need to focus on their own recovery regardless of the relationship.

CodeNameGiggles

I met one on one with one of his counselors, though I'd spoken to several of his treatment team at various points. Actually, at one point, they wanted me to use the courts to get him into inpatient treatment, and I told them I wouldn't do that...and was angry that they do the whole "the addict has to choose to recover" then tried to make it my responsibility to get him into the treatment path of their choice....but that's a different story for a different time.

His counselor wanted to focus on my relationship with my husband. But it was really in trying to determine more for his treatment path than any relationship building.

As far as addressing the awful things, in my experience, it was never part of his treatment process for ME to tell him what he had done to me. As part of the 12 step process, which his program used, the addict is supposed to sort of go through that process on their own - and look inward as to how their actions caused pain for not just themselves but those around them. A lot of people stumble along those steps. They aren't easy.

My husband wrote me a letter that detailed some of the things he thought he had done. He apologized. I knew some of the things, I had my own list of things that weren't included and he included things I didn't even know about. His apology, even though we are still married almost two years after his detox, was hollow. I saw it for being hollow, he saw it for being hollow.

I wrote a long long long letter to him that I fully intended on giving to him on one of the family days while he was in detox. I wrote pages and pages of ways he'd let me down, things he'd done that had hurt me emotionally, things he'd done that I felt betrayed our relationship. That letter is still in my nightstand. He hasn't seen it. It was very therapeutic for me to get it all down and out of me, and I have it still to remind me. His early recovery wasn't really the time for that, for either of us, personally. And he's made steps in not being that person...the actions speak more than the words.

As far as your other question - how does it affect the relationship? For me, it was tough. As my husband was in the recovery process, and facing his demons, it bothered him that I wasn't going down the path with him. My husband is codependent as well, so it was tough, because he wanted to focus on why I wasn't getting "fixed" like he was...and he had issues with being normal vs. being an addict. Our relationship still has rough spots - he likes to call me passive aggressive or other things when I don't engage.