((Sigh)) I need advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 45
((Sigh)) I need advice.
I knew it would be hard--hubby said he would quit drinking last weekend. That changed to cutting down. I sat by him when he ordered a Long Island at my mom's b-day dinner and didn't say anything. I knew he was going to get his 6 pack on Saturday and I kept busy and didn't say anything but yesterday I was pushed to my limits.
In the morning he woke up cheery and said I'm not drinking today, let's get some stuff done around the house! Yay, I thought. He went to the store and got a couple bottles or pop and some other things. He was in a great mood...he helped me can beef stew, got some things ready to ship and worked in the basement. I thought this is fantastic. Then when he was outside I was thirsty so I took a swig of his pop. It was full of vodka. I was so mad. I guess I was really mad that he lied but probably was doing it not to tempt me. Now that I think about it, it makes me sad. Really, he can't even go one day.
He is the perfect man in every other way--caring, respectful, loving, gorgeous, talented, can fix anything but....
I don't want my resolve tested daily.
In the morning he woke up cheery and said I'm not drinking today, let's get some stuff done around the house! Yay, I thought. He went to the store and got a couple bottles or pop and some other things. He was in a great mood...he helped me can beef stew, got some things ready to ship and worked in the basement. I thought this is fantastic. Then when he was outside I was thirsty so I took a swig of his pop. It was full of vodka. I was so mad. I guess I was really mad that he lied but probably was doing it not to tempt me. Now that I think about it, it makes me sad. Really, he can't even go one day.
He is the perfect man in every other way--caring, respectful, loving, gorgeous, talented, can fix anything but....
I don't want my resolve tested daily.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 339
Sadly Rose, there is not much you can do. He has to see what he is doing and he has to decide to quit. Hopefully he will come to the conclusion before it is too late. Like most of us alcoholics we are selfish, very selfish. Our minds are taken up by the thought of how we are going to drink today. We don't think about who we are going to hurt or step over to get that drink. We have put a lot of people through hell. I hope he sees the light, admits he has a problem, and gets some help. Make sure you take care of yourself in the mean time. Do what makes you happy. I know it sounds a little harsh but sometimes us alcoholics try to take down the people love love the most.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 45
Oh yes, he has a huge drinking problem BUT he can handle his liquor, really he can. He never gets upset, rude, etc. and can drink a lot. I no longer admire him for this, it annoys me. I would try to keep up and I just can't do it. I don't want it around me in the house, at least not right now. I want to feel peace when I get home....not constantly fighting myself to not make a drink. Since I bought that vodka, I almost dumped it down the drain. I still might.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
No offense, but sneaking drinks when you've said you weren't going to drink doesn't fit my expectation of 'handling one's liquor'.
As you well know, he won't quit unless HE wants to quit. That doesn't mean you can't tell him what you've discovered and what you think/feel about it. Just adjust your expectations based on your knowledge that he still intends to drink.
AND DON'T LET IT DRAG YOU BACKWARDS! I enjoy your posts, don't leave us.
As you well know, he won't quit unless HE wants to quit. That doesn't mean you can't tell him what you've discovered and what you think/feel about it. Just adjust your expectations based on your knowledge that he still intends to drink.
AND DON'T LET IT DRAG YOU BACKWARDS! I enjoy your posts, don't leave us.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Concentrate on keeping yourself sober .
His actions are out of your control, much as you might like to do it for him .
I'd rather know if and how much someone were drinking , my mum still has a whole bottle of whiskey once in a while , we just go our seperate ways in the house .. i get an instrument out and play some music or go online , she gets drunk watching soaps .
Bestwishes, M
His actions are out of your control, much as you might like to do it for him .
I'd rather know if and how much someone were drinking , my mum still has a whole bottle of whiskey once in a while , we just go our seperate ways in the house .. i get an instrument out and play some music or go online , she gets drunk watching soaps .
Bestwishes, M
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 339
I really do not want to be rude at all but you cannot bring vodka into the house if you don't want him drinking. "Keeping up" or "Not wanting it around, for now" is not a really great idea either. You seem on the fence. I think you need to decide what you both want and take action.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 45
It's such a change of pace for us--that's what we did, we drank. We drank and went to small town bars, we drank and made dinner, we drank and played games, we drank and worked in the yard. I'm scared of what's going to happen. And I'm really disappointed in him. I can feel myself not even wanting to be around him because of it.
The plan last night was to have a fish fry and watch a movie. After that happened, I just went upstairs (cried) and read my book.
The plan last night was to have a fish fry and watch a movie. After that happened, I just went upstairs (cried) and read my book.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 18
I read a story in the first couple of days here was called Quacking, not sure where I found it but I am sure someone knows how. It might be helpful!
Hope it helps, it helped me with my own quacking attacks
Hope it helps, it helped me with my own quacking attacks
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Alcoholism is a very weird thing in so many ways. When I first quit (thank goodness that lasted for 13+ years thanks to AA), and told my Mother (a maintenance drinker-never before 4:30 and then a shot of bourbon and water every couple of hours/ ME: a martini every, well alright, hour or so) she was appalled. I have never been sure if it was because she lost her "drinking buddy" or she just didn't want to hear anymore. Her father and my father were both alcoholics.
Her reaction was anger, which did not abate for a long time- I think until she found out she could drink and I could still "talk" sober. Mind you, I became all too painfully aware of how hard it is to listen to the same conversation year after year (my Mother anesthetizing herself against life). I took up crocheting (a vest became a jacket became a car coat became a long coat, then I quit after I made a 12 foot scarf LOL).
The story has gone way beyond this, but the people around us have all kinds of reasons to keep us drinking, not the least of which is to make "us" worse than them. For what it's worth department....
Her reaction was anger, which did not abate for a long time- I think until she found out she could drink and I could still "talk" sober. Mind you, I became all too painfully aware of how hard it is to listen to the same conversation year after year (my Mother anesthetizing herself against life). I took up crocheting (a vest became a jacket became a car coat became a long coat, then I quit after I made a 12 foot scarf LOL).
The story has gone way beyond this, but the people around us have all kinds of reasons to keep us drinking, not the least of which is to make "us" worse than them. For what it's worth department....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Considering you have your own problems, this is disturbing. Sneaking alcohol into soda and gatorades etc is a classic trick of the trade for most of us. It goes to show that just functioning at basic household tasks and social gatherings requires liquor for him.
I am not sure how to do joint recovery, so I will leave that to the experts. However, I would say right now to stay true to yourself, do whatever you need to do to remain sober. Worrying about HIM right now might shift your focus, and you can use all the focus on yourself right now!
I am not sure how to do joint recovery, so I will leave that to the experts. However, I would say right now to stay true to yourself, do whatever you need to do to remain sober. Worrying about HIM right now might shift your focus, and you can use all the focus on yourself right now!
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,055
Rose-
I was in your husbands shoes. There is no way for us to defend our behavior. It is selfish and dishonest to act that way.
My wife and I quit drinking 100 days ago, and it can only succeed as a team effort.
If he truly loves you, he will get rid of all the booze in the house now.
Please sit him down at your computer and have him read this thread.
I was in your husbands shoes. There is no way for us to defend our behavior. It is selfish and dishonest to act that way.
My wife and I quit drinking 100 days ago, and it can only succeed as a team effort.
If he truly loves you, he will get rid of all the booze in the house now.
Please sit him down at your computer and have him read this thread.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 45
You are right Peaches and respectfully you are wrong family man. I am not on the fence. At least not right now. I would consider myself pretty darned determined. I bought that vodka weeks ago and forgot about it until he started drinking it last night (yes, I forgot about it.....I WAS a wine lover).
Obviously we will be having another conversation but he just always acts like everything is fine. I'm started to feel just plain exhausted.
Obviously we will be having another conversation but he just always acts like everything is fine. I'm started to feel just plain exhausted.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 18
Rose I admire your strength, and persistence , Keep Going!!
I have no experience in having partner that is a drinker. My husband is quite the opposite he stopped drinking(even 1 beer every once in awhile) because of my drinking.
1 thing I really noticed from drinking to sober. I hated being made accountable on whether or not I was drinking, and now I love it the phone calls, hugs, kisses I used to dread because then it would be known I know enjoy, and serve to give me more strength when I see the relief in my loved ones eyes and voices when they don't smell alcohol on my breath and hear drunk in my voice. Trust is earned....(after thought you think he may have just been trying to keep you both busy to keep you at a distance from smelling it on him?) Just cause it was something I used to do.
, Keep Going!! I have no experience in having partner that is a drinker. My husband is quite the opposite he stopped drinking(even 1 beer every once in awhile) because of my drinking.
1 thing I really noticed from drinking to sober. I hated being made accountable on whether or not I was drinking, and now I love it the phone calls, hugs, kisses I used to dread because then it would be known I know enjoy, and serve to give me more strength when I see the relief in my loved ones eyes and voices when they don't smell alcohol on my breath and hear drunk in my voice. Trust is earned....(after thought you think he may have just been trying to keep you both busy to keep you at a distance from smelling it on him?) Just cause it was something I used to do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: fort wayne, IN.
Posts: 1,085
You are on your journey to sobriety. Not his. You can get upset,worried, dump his vodka down the drain, whatever. Focus on yourself and protect your commitment to stay sober. Hopefully, he will see the improvement in you and find inspiration. Lead by example if you can. You guys are on different tracks right now thats all. If you can maintain your sobriety around him then you have what you need to succeed.
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