Starting over... AGAIN!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Hellertown, PA
Posts: 33
Starting over... AGAIN!
This is just getting embarrassing. I'm now quitting drinking for the third time. First time was the fall of 2011... quit for about 2 months, then picked back up where I left off. The second time was eerily similar to the first. Exactly one year after the first quit, I quit again, in the fall of 2012. And after 2 months... I was right back to where I started.
Now I'm trying again. Looking back, I can now see that I never intended to stop for good before. It was almost like I just wanted to prove that I could do it so that I could just as quickly give myself permission to start again. "See, look! I'm obviously not an alcoholic if I quit drinking for two months!" Then I would just pick up where I left off. I never took it seriously, even though at the time, I thought I very serious about it. It's kind of like I was able to trick myself? How dumb!!
It's not even enjoyable anymore. The guilt and shame I feel when I drink doesn't even make it worth doing. So so stupid... but every day I have that inner debate. Should I or shouldn't I? Back and forth. It's exhausting. And then of course I make the wrong choice, feel like crap both physically and mentally, swear I'm never going to do it again... you know how it goes.
But, the last two times I was here, I loved the awesome support from everyone. So even though it's terribly embarrassing to be quitting yet AGAIN... I'm back and I'm going to do this!
Now I'm trying again. Looking back, I can now see that I never intended to stop for good before. It was almost like I just wanted to prove that I could do it so that I could just as quickly give myself permission to start again. "See, look! I'm obviously not an alcoholic if I quit drinking for two months!" Then I would just pick up where I left off. I never took it seriously, even though at the time, I thought I very serious about it. It's kind of like I was able to trick myself? How dumb!!
It's not even enjoyable anymore. The guilt and shame I feel when I drink doesn't even make it worth doing. So so stupid... but every day I have that inner debate. Should I or shouldn't I? Back and forth. It's exhausting. And then of course I make the wrong choice, feel like crap both physically and mentally, swear I'm never going to do it again... you know how it goes.
But, the last two times I was here, I loved the awesome support from everyone. So even though it's terribly embarrassing to be quitting yet AGAIN... I'm back and I'm going to do this!
What you've just described is quite common.
Long story short, my Doctor detected via my blood work that I was drinking heavily. I told my Doctor I had been drinking heavily, but wasn't any longer. I then stopped drinking for a month, so as to have clean blood work for my Doctor to look at my one month follow up.
Once my Doctor could see with his own eyes that my blood work was good, I started drinking again and was so happy knowing that I wouldn't have to get my blood taken for two more years.
In essence, I stopped drinking for a month, so that I could keep on drinking!!
Then a year past and my Doctor told me that he wanted some blood work again. No problem I thought, I'll just stop for a month again and then get my blood drawn.
Only I couldn't stop and get pushing my stop date further into the future.
That was the beginning of the end of my drinking life.
Wanting to stop drinking and having had a past where your previous attempts failed is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Be proud of your having realized that drinking is no longer an option in your life.
You can do this.
Long story short, my Doctor detected via my blood work that I was drinking heavily. I told my Doctor I had been drinking heavily, but wasn't any longer. I then stopped drinking for a month, so as to have clean blood work for my Doctor to look at my one month follow up.
Once my Doctor could see with his own eyes that my blood work was good, I started drinking again and was so happy knowing that I wouldn't have to get my blood taken for two more years.
In essence, I stopped drinking for a month, so that I could keep on drinking!!
Then a year past and my Doctor told me that he wanted some blood work again. No problem I thought, I'll just stop for a month again and then get my blood drawn.
Only I couldn't stop and get pushing my stop date further into the future.
That was the beginning of the end of my drinking life.
Wanting to stop drinking and having had a past where your previous attempts failed is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Be proud of your having realized that drinking is no longer an option in your life.
You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Hellertown, PA
Posts: 33
Thanks! It is nice to know that I'm not as unusual as I seem to think. I tend to get so caught up in my guilt and negative thinking that I have a hard time realizing that others may have been in the same place before.
Yes, I had reached that point too. It was ludicrous to continue with something that was no longer fun or relaxing. What had started out as a way to feel less shy and cope with life ended up destroying my spirit. I wish I hadn't spent so many years seeking the euphoric feeling it gave me in the early days of my drinking career.
Welcome back james! No embarrassment necessary. You are among friends, and we all understand. Let's do it this time.
Welcome back james! No embarrassment necessary. You are among friends, and we all understand. Let's do it this time.
james - not embarrasing at all. in fact a lot of us can relate; myself included.
someone told me something this time that stuck with me.....
"the insanity of this whole disease is the thought of picking back up expecting different results"
we dont get better after a lapse of not drinking.
our disease remains.
if my alcoholic voice sneaks up on me the above tool/sentence usually brings me back down to reality.
you can do this! just don't give up
someone told me something this time that stuck with me.....
"the insanity of this whole disease is the thought of picking back up expecting different results"
we dont get better after a lapse of not drinking.
our disease remains.
if my alcoholic voice sneaks up on me the above tool/sentence usually brings me back down to reality.
you can do this! just don't give up
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Trans Pecos, TX
Posts: 74
Hey LJames: I'm a regular relapser working Day34 today. I have to say that I really don't have an optimistic outlook. I've failed so many times. However, my best period of sobriety (about 3 months) came during my first involvement with SR. So, I'm sort of lurking around again, logging in 2-3 times a day. I'm trying not to obsess this time. I know we all have to have a plan and be wary of triggers. I'm doing this to some degree, but if I have to go to town, I go to town. I don't alter my life (so far) because of the fear that I'll buy a case of beer and binge out. The possibility is there, but this time around I'm trying to not let my recovery dictate my every waking moment. Time will tell of course. I do encourage you to stay here with us and fight the good fight. Best of luck to you.
Every time I try and fail (four times so far) I feel like I learn something new about my triggers and how to control them the next time, and those few days and/or weeks sober give a glimpse of what I can look forward to by quitting for good. Plus, the relapses have helped me appreciate how powerful this addiction can be.
So, the relapses have been discouraging, but they may be an important part of the process
So, the relapses have been discouraging, but they may be an important part of the process
I wish I had a nickel for every one of my quits as I would be filthy rich. I too would subconsciously quit short term setting myself up to fail in a few months by listening to that damn little voice telling me to take that sip. This time I want to meet the real me in one year. What will I look like? How will my mind work? How will I feel? More importantly this is a goal that is not short term which will help me keep that little voice shut.
If you met with partial success in the past then the question then becomes, what part of this worked and what part of it did not. If you have difficulty figuring this out it may be in your self-interest to try a method or program that has worked for others. The trick is to do it differently this time.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)