Razorandblade

Hi all. I have visited this site many times over the course of 4 years. I am a binge drinker. I only binge drink with my boyfriend. Well, now my ex boyfriend. We broke it off last night for the 5th time. I called him out on his percocet and nightly drinking. He of course told me "I was out of my f'in mind, leave me alone and I'll talk to you tomorrow." I replied via text that our relationship is not healthy for me. We both have son's around the same age. I have quit drinking at home and going to bars. The ONLY time I drank was with him. I realized I felt that it was ok to do around him.

I am responsible for my own actions. i am taking action for me and my son. My work and small circle of friends are very healthy and supportive. I cannot and will not support his addiction. We break up due to his drug and alcohol abuse because I feel lonely with him, a void. Like many other stories I have read on here, he always tells me he doesn't want to die and live that life, then we get back together...the cycle continued.

I DO NOT want this cycle to continue. I want to stay strong. So far my plan of action is to go to chrurch, NO DRINKING whatsoever. i have to say also i have no desire for it. I will keep busy at work, and with my son. Take in new experiences and learn new things.

I am pondering al anon.

The thing I am very afraid of is the getting back together. There was a time about 2 years ago, I would drink myself into such a sad rage that I twice attempted suicide over our brake up. A whole bottle of sleeping pills and i woke up. I will not repeat that. i am confident of this. No alcohol will be the key factor in that. I am also going to see a therapist. After a month or two (or three) I get a text from him, we meet up and the cycle continues. he is my first big love. I am 35 years old. I was very much in love with this man. I was a selfish drunk when we met. I am growing. I am changing for the better. i am not going back.

I just want to make every step to end this unhealthy cycle in my life. My life, my family, my sanity are too important to me now. More important that him and his disease. I cannot help him.

Any suggestions for the hard and weak times would be greatly appreciated. Thank you and god bless.

P.S He is 43, had a heart attack at 39 (due to years of substance abuse) and i began my role as care taker to him. My fear of his death has kept me around.

Impurrfect

((Razorandblade)) - Welcome to SR!

I've been, where you are, minus the son. I drank with my first bf, a functioning alcoholic, to "put up or keep up" with him. We eventually parted (after 20+ years!) and I had also done the suicide attempts a few times.

For me, I didn't realize how codependent I was and I wanted something to numb the pain of loving someone who loved his alcohol more. I abused opiates, then got addicted to crack.

I finally found recovery for both my addiction AND my codependency, in large part because of the Friends & Family forums here. I hope you check them out and an al-anon meeting, as both have helped me. Of course, I also read all the other forums to keep my addiction recovery strong

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Razorandblade

Thank you Amy. I have not had drink since last Tuesday, with the Ex. I am going to my first Al Anon meeting next Monday.

Heartbreak feels terrible when I am sober, but I am happy I can feel something. I just can't fall apart without him. He is my drug.