How has your recovery changed your relationships?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
How has your recovery changed your relationships?
Good morning everyone-
I am being challenged right now around relationships. Some of it is coming from my support network, but some of it is just organically arising from life.
My old way of being was just super "nice" and polite. I used this like a veneer or a shield and never really let anyone (or thing) in. I did not have a lot of conflict with people though either. In all honesty, it was pretty shut down.
In the last three years that is starting to shift. In the last six months I am really starting to see that I get into a lot of relationships that are not good for me. Those are the relationships that I tend to expend a lot of worry around, spend a lot of time on, and get very little back. I have some very solid relationships too but they are not the volume of work that the others ones are.
I also am having more conflict with people. I am far from perfect but sometimes this conflict seems to be steming from the fact that I am in recovery and working my stuff....so I am no longer stuffing. It can be very confusing and challenging. Especially at work I have become the canary in the coal mine when it comes to conflict. I have a number of great relationships at work that are solid, but in the group I seem to be the magnet for conflict too.
I feel more authentic and real, but I also feel more controversial if that makes any sense.
How have your relationships changed in recovery? Any words of advice for this transition? I am open to info on all types of relationships though I am still a ways away from getting involved in any kind of intimate relationship again. I also am interested in creating new and healthy relationships where I am living and would love any words of wisdom on that.
I am being challenged right now around relationships. Some of it is coming from my support network, but some of it is just organically arising from life.
My old way of being was just super "nice" and polite. I used this like a veneer or a shield and never really let anyone (or thing) in. I did not have a lot of conflict with people though either. In all honesty, it was pretty shut down.
In the last three years that is starting to shift. In the last six months I am really starting to see that I get into a lot of relationships that are not good for me. Those are the relationships that I tend to expend a lot of worry around, spend a lot of time on, and get very little back. I have some very solid relationships too but they are not the volume of work that the others ones are.
I also am having more conflict with people. I am far from perfect but sometimes this conflict seems to be steming from the fact that I am in recovery and working my stuff....so I am no longer stuffing. It can be very confusing and challenging. Especially at work I have become the canary in the coal mine when it comes to conflict. I have a number of great relationships at work that are solid, but in the group I seem to be the magnet for conflict too.
I feel more authentic and real, but I also feel more controversial if that makes any sense.
How have your relationships changed in recovery? Any words of advice for this transition? I am open to info on all types of relationships though I am still a ways away from getting involved in any kind of intimate relationship again. I also am interested in creating new and healthy relationships where I am living and would love any words of wisdom on that.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I was a magnet for needy, helpless people, or at best, lazy people, those who always had a hand out, not a hand up.
My recovery has taught me that having those type of people in my life is not healthy for me, all the whining, drama, crying, whoa is me stuff, drags me into the vortex of codieness. Today, I do not let those type of people into my life. I am cordial, smile and then run like a bat out of hell.
As for men, right now, all I am interested in doing is chasing those cute cabana boys around, never caught one tho...they can run faster than I can... maybe that's a good thing... really don't know what to do if I did catch one! Maybe I could toss him in the hummer and take him on a codie roadtrip..yeah, yeah that's it! A roadtrip!
All kidding aside, becoming a new you is a slow drawn out process, left, right, one step at a time.
My recovery has taught me that having those type of people in my life is not healthy for me, all the whining, drama, crying, whoa is me stuff, drags me into the vortex of codieness. Today, I do not let those type of people into my life. I am cordial, smile and then run like a bat out of hell.
As for men, right now, all I am interested in doing is chasing those cute cabana boys around, never caught one tho...they can run faster than I can... maybe that's a good thing... really don't know what to do if I did catch one! Maybe I could toss him in the hummer and take him on a codie roadtrip..yeah, yeah that's it! A roadtrip!
All kidding aside, becoming a new you is a slow drawn out process, left, right, one step at a time.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Oh Dolly!!!! I do love 'your way with words'!!!! roflmao
Said so well and oh so true. I hate to say this but I took a 'shortcut' when it comes
to relationships at work. I started my own business, and became the Queen Bitch
when I needed to be, lmao However, in those years, several of my then employees
have become dear friends, and yep they are all younger than me, and one who
started out as a CNA with me (certified nursing assistant, the bottom rung of the
'nursing' ladder, lol) has completed her education, become a RN and in the last
year bought my business from the person who bought it from me, lol and now she
is, as she's says "The Queen Bitch."
Seriously though, I found I had to be TRUE TO MYSELF and that meant, keeping a
safe distance from those I worked with (before and during my business ownership)
until I could ascertain just how 'toxic' they were. And let's face it, there are lots
and lots of 'toxic' folks out there and not all of them are A's.
I too like Dolly and you became a 'magnet' for those with drama. I don't know what
is was that drew them, possibly my calm manner??? Anyway, I learned with those
folks that when they did ask for advice and sometimes even before they had, lol I
would say my opinion or advice and that was it. IF they came back again and many
did, I would just say, "well, I have nothing to add on what I have already said" and
change the subject. IF it was at work and they wanted to talk more about 'their drama'
I would pick up a piece of paper and say something like "can't talk now, have to get
this done" and I would turn away and act busy even if I wasn't.
If it was on the phone, I would say after the 'I have nothing further to add' and changed
the subject, I would just say "sorry, I have to run I am late for an appointment, talk to
you later" and hang up.
In person, similar to the phone call, only look at my watch to 'check the time' lol and
off I would go.
Eventually, those folks got the message.
It is, in my humble opinion a matter of SETTING BOUNDARIES not only in any intimate
relationship I might have, but ALL my relationships with others, even my own daughter
and my grand children.
I have been called "arrogant", "out of touch with the real world", "ignorant", "a know it
all", etc some adjectives exact opposite of other adjectives, rofl. However, then the
other side of that coin is from the folks that are some of my bestest friends and
acquaintances today, who not only have thanked me but are more and more treating
others the way I do.
You see, the only person I can be "true to" is ME. I cannot be a 'people
pleaser" (never was very good at that anyway, lmao and hated the way it made me
feel) it is just not me.
I think it all boils down to "what other people think of me is none of my business."
Once I was finally able to accept that phrase, and I mean totally accept it,
I started to become a lot more cautious about what I wanted in my re-
lationships with others and it has worked.
What I guess, with all of the above what I am trying to say is:
It is alright to keep business relationship business.
It is alright to be a bit 'standoffish' while you watch and listen, to decide if you want a
'personal relationship' with another person.
And when it comes to 'intimate personal relationships' well ............................. I can
say "been there, done that and have the t-shirt", rofl. I have several very wonderful
ones in recovery and one really really 'not good' one in 2010.
My wonderful retired History Professor that was my long time SO died suddenly of a
massive heart attach in '08. That really took some 'getting past' as we had such a
great relationship and lots of fun.
My worst was in early '10 I was contacted by a very very 'old' flame from 43 years ago.
I went into that one with my blinders on BIG TIME. Sheesh. IT took me 10 months to
see the elephant in the room (my denial was working overtime) and yep he was an
alcoholic, a practicing one!
After that experience I 'swore to myself' that I was done, stick a fork in me I am done,
I am now past time for 'those' kind of relationships. I had to one more time do my
steps and a lot of journalling to figure out how I let myself get into another rotten re-
lationship. No more 'intimate relationships' for me.
Yep, well apparently HP thinks otherwise. Sheesh I am not pretty, I got wrinkles, lots
of wrinkles. I don't use makeup, I dress for me to be comfortable, not for fashion and
I am 67 and 1/2 years old. Oh, and I am licensed to carry concealed (a handgun) and
go out to the shooting range several times a month.
I also go down to one of the "Senior Citizen Centers" here in town about once or twice
a week, and I go to that one, because there are quite
a few Canasta fanatics and quite a few Mahjong fanatics and I love
playing those 2 games.
Well over the last year or so, there has been one particular gentleman (I see it now
but did not see what was up at first, lmao) who seems to be paying more and more
attention to me. He is older than me by a few years, retired respected doctor, who
also had to retire due to health issues (why I had to sell my company) and then has
proceeded to get his health back for the most part (me too). Turns out he also is a
pretty good shot (has turned up out at the range when I have been there) and we are
even right now in the shooting contests we have had with each other, lol
So I guess HP says I am not done yet, roflmao One thing I have learned over these
many years, that the better we get on the inside, the nicer the people we will attract
on the outside! I draw people to me, certainly not passed on my looks, lol but because
"I walk the way I talk."
And it all started because I started making 'boundaries' for me in my dealings with The
World.
You can do this, I know you can.......................You have come a long way on your
journey!!!! Remember "Recovery" for all of us, the A and the Codie is
a journey NOT a goal!
Hope some of the above 'mishmash' can help you.
Love and hugs,
Said so well and oh so true. I hate to say this but I took a 'shortcut' when it comes
to relationships at work. I started my own business, and became the Queen Bitch
when I needed to be, lmao However, in those years, several of my then employees
have become dear friends, and yep they are all younger than me, and one who
started out as a CNA with me (certified nursing assistant, the bottom rung of the
'nursing' ladder, lol) has completed her education, become a RN and in the last
year bought my business from the person who bought it from me, lol and now she
is, as she's says "The Queen Bitch."
Seriously though, I found I had to be TRUE TO MYSELF and that meant, keeping a
safe distance from those I worked with (before and during my business ownership)
until I could ascertain just how 'toxic' they were. And let's face it, there are lots
and lots of 'toxic' folks out there and not all of them are A's.
I too like Dolly and you became a 'magnet' for those with drama. I don't know what
is was that drew them, possibly my calm manner??? Anyway, I learned with those
folks that when they did ask for advice and sometimes even before they had, lol I
would say my opinion or advice and that was it. IF they came back again and many
did, I would just say, "well, I have nothing to add on what I have already said" and
change the subject. IF it was at work and they wanted to talk more about 'their drama'
I would pick up a piece of paper and say something like "can't talk now, have to get
this done" and I would turn away and act busy even if I wasn't.
If it was on the phone, I would say after the 'I have nothing further to add' and changed
the subject, I would just say "sorry, I have to run I am late for an appointment, talk to
you later" and hang up.
In person, similar to the phone call, only look at my watch to 'check the time' lol and
off I would go.
Eventually, those folks got the message.
It is, in my humble opinion a matter of SETTING BOUNDARIES not only in any intimate
relationship I might have, but ALL my relationships with others, even my own daughter
and my grand children.
I have been called "arrogant", "out of touch with the real world", "ignorant", "a know it
all", etc some adjectives exact opposite of other adjectives, rofl. However, then the
other side of that coin is from the folks that are some of my bestest friends and
acquaintances today, who not only have thanked me but are more and more treating
others the way I do.
You see, the only person I can be "true to" is ME. I cannot be a 'people
pleaser" (never was very good at that anyway, lmao and hated the way it made me
feel) it is just not me.
I think it all boils down to "what other people think of me is none of my business."
Once I was finally able to accept that phrase, and I mean totally accept it,
I started to become a lot more cautious about what I wanted in my re-
lationships with others and it has worked.
What I guess, with all of the above what I am trying to say is:
It is alright to keep business relationship business.
It is alright to be a bit 'standoffish' while you watch and listen, to decide if you want a
'personal relationship' with another person.
And when it comes to 'intimate personal relationships' well ............................. I can
say "been there, done that and have the t-shirt", rofl. I have several very wonderful
ones in recovery and one really really 'not good' one in 2010.
My wonderful retired History Professor that was my long time SO died suddenly of a
massive heart attach in '08. That really took some 'getting past' as we had such a
great relationship and lots of fun.
My worst was in early '10 I was contacted by a very very 'old' flame from 43 years ago.
I went into that one with my blinders on BIG TIME. Sheesh. IT took me 10 months to
see the elephant in the room (my denial was working overtime) and yep he was an
alcoholic, a practicing one!
After that experience I 'swore to myself' that I was done, stick a fork in me I am done,
I am now past time for 'those' kind of relationships. I had to one more time do my
steps and a lot of journalling to figure out how I let myself get into another rotten re-
lationship. No more 'intimate relationships' for me.
Yep, well apparently HP thinks otherwise. Sheesh I am not pretty, I got wrinkles, lots
of wrinkles. I don't use makeup, I dress for me to be comfortable, not for fashion and
I am 67 and 1/2 years old. Oh, and I am licensed to carry concealed (a handgun) and
go out to the shooting range several times a month.
I also go down to one of the "Senior Citizen Centers" here in town about once or twice
a week, and I go to that one, because there are quite
a few Canasta fanatics and quite a few Mahjong fanatics and I love
playing those 2 games.
Well over the last year or so, there has been one particular gentleman (I see it now
but did not see what was up at first, lmao) who seems to be paying more and more
attention to me. He is older than me by a few years, retired respected doctor, who
also had to retire due to health issues (why I had to sell my company) and then has
proceeded to get his health back for the most part (me too). Turns out he also is a
pretty good shot (has turned up out at the range when I have been there) and we are
even right now in the shooting contests we have had with each other, lol
So I guess HP says I am not done yet, roflmao One thing I have learned over these
many years, that the better we get on the inside, the nicer the people we will attract
on the outside! I draw people to me, certainly not passed on my looks, lol but because
"I walk the way I talk."
And it all started because I started making 'boundaries' for me in my dealings with The
World.
You can do this, I know you can.......................You have come a long way on your
journey!!!! Remember "Recovery" for all of us, the A and the Codie is
a journey NOT a goal!
Hope some of the above 'mishmash' can help you.
Love and hugs,
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Saturday, January 12, 2013
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Finding Balance
The goal of recovery is balance - that precious middle ground.
Many of us have gone from one extreme to another: years of taking care of everyone but ourselves, followed by a time of refusing to focus on anyone's needs but our own.
We may have spent years refusing to identify, feel, and deal with our feelings, followed by a period of absolute obsession with every trace of emotional energy that passes through our body.
We may succumb to powerlessness, helplessness, and victimization, then we swing to the other extreme by aggressively wielding power over those around us.
We can learn to give to others while taking responsibility for ourselves. We can learn to take care of our feelings, as well as our physical, mental, and spiritual needs. We can nurture the quiet confidence of owning our power as equals in our relationships with others.
The goal of recovery is balance, but sometimes we get there by going to extremes.
Today, I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys. Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley is to jump high enough to land on a peak, and then slowly ease myself down.
__________________
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Finding Balance
The goal of recovery is balance - that precious middle ground.
Many of us have gone from one extreme to another: years of taking care of everyone but ourselves, followed by a time of refusing to focus on anyone's needs but our own.
We may have spent years refusing to identify, feel, and deal with our feelings, followed by a period of absolute obsession with every trace of emotional energy that passes through our body.
We may succumb to powerlessness, helplessness, and victimization, then we swing to the other extreme by aggressively wielding power over those around us.
We can learn to give to others while taking responsibility for ourselves. We can learn to take care of our feelings, as well as our physical, mental, and spiritual needs. We can nurture the quiet confidence of owning our power as equals in our relationships with others.
The goal of recovery is balance, but sometimes we get there by going to extremes.
Today, I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys. Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley is to jump high enough to land on a peak, and then slowly ease myself down.
__________________
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by laurie6781 
You see, the only person I can be "true to" is ME. I cannot be a 'people pleaser"
I think it all boils down to "what other people think of me is none of my business."
Once I was finally able to accept that phrase, and I mean totally accept it,
I started to become a lot more cautious about what I wanted in my re-
lationships with others and it has worked.
I think it all boils down to "what other people think of me is none of my business."
Once I was finally able to accept that phrase, and I mean totally accept it,
I started to become a lot more cautious about what I wanted in my re-
lationships with others and it has worked.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Thanks all-
I think the conflict is coming up from me being authentic.
I am not necessarily proud of having the conflict, but I do feel good about how I am handling the conflict. What happened that got me posting this was i have a new coworker. I don't know her well, but I don't think she is in a great place in her life right now. She was upset about something I did last week (what she was upset about was not even on my radar), and talked to a number of other people, but not me. I of course found out, and immediately approached her with it. The conversation went well, but there is truly not a resolution....she could not tell me specifically what was bothering her-about me.
I suspect it is bigger then me. I am trying not to fall into my own "fix it" ways. My other co-workers (who are great support to me) don't feel like it is me. On the other hand a lot of these instances are coming up in the last few months...that it has to make me wonder as I obviously have some role in it. I am hoping that it is just the lesson I am learning right now (hee hee).
I also need to own that part of it is the last "good" friend I made in this area is now married to my ex-husband after they had an affair.
I am fairly comfortable in my own life at the moment, but man taking this show on the road in relationship is making me uncomfortable...in a way I am not used to.
Last thing...it feels good to be having this kind of "struggle." I am far enough along that I am not living from crisis to crisis waiting for the next shoe to drop like I was when living with active addiction.
I think the conflict is coming up from me being authentic.
I am not necessarily proud of having the conflict, but I do feel good about how I am handling the conflict. What happened that got me posting this was i have a new coworker. I don't know her well, but I don't think she is in a great place in her life right now. She was upset about something I did last week (what she was upset about was not even on my radar), and talked to a number of other people, but not me. I of course found out, and immediately approached her with it. The conversation went well, but there is truly not a resolution....she could not tell me specifically what was bothering her-about me.
I suspect it is bigger then me. I am trying not to fall into my own "fix it" ways. My other co-workers (who are great support to me) don't feel like it is me. On the other hand a lot of these instances are coming up in the last few months...that it has to make me wonder as I obviously have some role in it. I am hoping that it is just the lesson I am learning right now (hee hee).
I also need to own that part of it is the last "good" friend I made in this area is now married to my ex-husband after they had an affair.
I am fairly comfortable in my own life at the moment, but man taking this show on the road in relationship is making me uncomfortable...in a way I am not used to.
Last thing...it feels good to be having this kind of "struggle." I am far enough along that I am not living from crisis to crisis waiting for the next shoe to drop like I was when living with active addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Bumping for Ady....
Slightly different topic, but I struggle with work relationships, friend relationships etc all in a very similar pattern.
I think this is just what I am working on right now.
Slightly different topic, but I struggle with work relationships, friend relationships etc all in a very similar pattern.
I think this is just what I am working on right now.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Yep, well apparently HP thinks otherwise. Sheesh I am not pretty, I got wrinkles, lots
of wrinkles. I don't use makeup, I dress for me to be comfortable, not for fashion and
I am 67 and 1/2 years old. Oh, and I am licensed to carry concealed (a handgun) and
go out to the shooting range several times a month.
of wrinkles. I don't use makeup, I dress for me to be comfortable, not for fashion and
I am 67 and 1/2 years old. Oh, and I am licensed to carry concealed (a handgun) and
go out to the shooting range several times a month.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
im a natural "fixer" and people pleaser. through learning ive found that the most important person to please or fix is myself.
use to i would get all worked up if someone was upset with me or a relationship/friendship needed fixing. i would look to my ah before i did anyhting relative as well and now i just do it. ive had friendships where the friend clinged to me and i guess you call this person codependant in the way inwhich she behaved and depended on me for their happiness and problems,sort of a toxic relationship as it became my mood but ive learned to be calm and not get so strung up in other peoples lives. i have also learned to not be "apart" of ah as his mood affected me and i followed him around metaphorically to make his mood better but all i needed was to change mine.
ive put myself first in terms of health and personal goals instead of a pair like with ah.
i AGREE with your statement to create new and healthy relationships,
since recovery i am careful as to who i choose to let in and start a relationship with (friendships that is)
i am only interested in healthy positive influences in my life as far as friendship circles.
anyone who is not healthy....i do not socialize with as ive learned these unhealthy types cause more problems and mental stress than positive they bring in. choose your friends wisely lol
use to i would get all worked up if someone was upset with me or a relationship/friendship needed fixing. i would look to my ah before i did anyhting relative as well and now i just do it. ive had friendships where the friend clinged to me and i guess you call this person codependant in the way inwhich she behaved and depended on me for their happiness and problems,sort of a toxic relationship as it became my mood but ive learned to be calm and not get so strung up in other peoples lives. i have also learned to not be "apart" of ah as his mood affected me and i followed him around metaphorically to make his mood better but all i needed was to change mine.
ive put myself first in terms of health and personal goals instead of a pair like with ah.
i AGREE with your statement to create new and healthy relationships,
since recovery i am careful as to who i choose to let in and start a relationship with (friendships that is)
i am only interested in healthy positive influences in my life as far as friendship circles.
anyone who is not healthy....i do not socialize with as ive learned these unhealthy types cause more problems and mental stress than positive they bring in. choose your friends wisely lol
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
Thanks all-
I think the conflict is coming up from me being authentic.
I am not necessarily proud of having the conflict, but I do feel good about how I am handling the conflict. What happened that got me posting this was i have a new coworker. I don't know her well, but I don't think she is in a great place in her life right now. She was upset about something I did last week (what she was upset about was not even on my radar), and talked to a number of other people, but not me. I of course found out, and immediately approached her with it. The conversation went well, but there is truly not a resolution....she could not tell me specifically what was bothering her-about me.
I suspect it is bigger then me. I am trying not to fall into my own "fix it" ways. My other co-workers (who are great support to me) don't feel like it is me. On the other hand a lot of these instances are coming up in the last few months...that it has to make me wonder as I obviously have some role in it. I am hoping that it is just the lesson I am learning right now (hee hee).
I also need to own that part of it is the last "good" friend I made in this area is now married to my ex-husband after they had an affair.
I am fairly comfortable in my own life at the moment, but man taking this show on the road in relationship is making me uncomfortable...in a way I am not used to.
Last thing...it feels good to be having this kind of "struggle." I am far enough along that I am not living from crisis to crisis waiting for the next shoe to drop like I was when living with active addiction.
I think the conflict is coming up from me being authentic.
I am not necessarily proud of having the conflict, but I do feel good about how I am handling the conflict. What happened that got me posting this was i have a new coworker. I don't know her well, but I don't think she is in a great place in her life right now. She was upset about something I did last week (what she was upset about was not even on my radar), and talked to a number of other people, but not me. I of course found out, and immediately approached her with it. The conversation went well, but there is truly not a resolution....she could not tell me specifically what was bothering her-about me.
I suspect it is bigger then me. I am trying not to fall into my own "fix it" ways. My other co-workers (who are great support to me) don't feel like it is me. On the other hand a lot of these instances are coming up in the last few months...that it has to make me wonder as I obviously have some role in it. I am hoping that it is just the lesson I am learning right now (hee hee).
I also need to own that part of it is the last "good" friend I made in this area is now married to my ex-husband after they had an affair.
I am fairly comfortable in my own life at the moment, but man taking this show on the road in relationship is making me uncomfortable...in a way I am not used to.
Last thing...it feels good to be having this kind of "struggle." I am far enough along that I am not living from crisis to crisis waiting for the next shoe to drop like I was when living with active addiction.
i wouldnt go as far as saying last "good" friend was her. she doesnt sound like she was a good friend at any point ...in fact i would say last"horrible" friend to be friends with ....on with the new.
as far as the coworker, honestly.....you wont like everyone you work with and vise versa....its best to leave alone, not get caught up with their problems or otherwise and keep it arms length as just someone you have to deal with on a day to day basis. sometimes there is no rhyme or reason or resolution.....your resolution for you is to not play along with someones bs or drama....just sounds like thats what coworker is doing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I have been reading some work by Brene Brown on shame that is really interesting....and healing from any kind of shame really is about connecting. It has been interesting to see because it makes me realize why friendship is so important, why therapy works, and I suspect why 12 step work is so important. It is a way for us to dig deep but also to connect in a helpful way for our own growth.
I have stopped being afraid to share, but the reason I posted this and responded to your post Ady is that in the last six months I am realizing that while my ability to share has grown exponentially in my recovery....my ability to "pick" people appropriate to share with have not always been the best.
I have great support in recovery, I just have not transitioned that yet to friendships in the community I live in. I had a lot of friendships from my life before...they are just a long ways away. I need to fuse the two together and I have not quite gotten there yet.
It is also interesting for me that I am not using myself as a "whipping post" that I have not got this figured out yet. For me I think it is about taking my recovery on the road and it is just the new steps I am making.
I have stopped being afraid to share, but the reason I posted this and responded to your post Ady is that in the last six months I am realizing that while my ability to share has grown exponentially in my recovery....my ability to "pick" people appropriate to share with have not always been the best.
I have great support in recovery, I just have not transitioned that yet to friendships in the community I live in. I had a lot of friendships from my life before...they are just a long ways away. I need to fuse the two together and I have not quite gotten there yet.
It is also interesting for me that I am not using myself as a "whipping post" that I have not got this figured out yet. For me I think it is about taking my recovery on the road and it is just the new steps I am making.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
I think "recovery" on my side -- Alanon model -- has been good for me in relationships. I think. Not so much with Mrs. Hammer (A,A,ED,SI, etc.) but rather in a God/Good sort of way.
Since the December discussions of the 12th Step (tend to match the months) . . .
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Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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I have tried to use those principles in my relationships. The folks that respect them, I get along now MUCH better with. That is Great. Those who do not . . . not so much. And that is fine, too.
Figured out I was getting better when I found the MIL (Mrs. Hammer's mom) screaming at me -- I HATE YOUR ALANON! after I would no longer do the Codie Play-Along Games. MIL is a raging Codie. Pretty good validation for me that I am no longer am.
Thank You, Alanon.
Thank You, SR.
and most of all . . .
Thank You, God.
Since the December discussions of the 12th Step (tend to match the months) . . .
============
Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
============
I have tried to use those principles in my relationships. The folks that respect them, I get along now MUCH better with. That is Great. Those who do not . . . not so much. And that is fine, too.
Figured out I was getting better when I found the MIL (Mrs. Hammer's mom) screaming at me -- I HATE YOUR ALANON! after I would no longer do the Codie Play-Along Games. MIL is a raging Codie. Pretty good validation for me that I am no longer am.
Thank You, Alanon.
Thank You, SR.
and most of all . . .
Thank You, God.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
A huge thing recovery has done for me -- like for you, LR -- is that it's taught me that I count. My feelings count, my opinion counts, and I have the right to state them.
Has it created conflict? Well -- yes. But it's been necessary and useful conflict. Like when my supervisor-from-hell gave me an annual review (in writing) that was basically reflective of HIS inability to do HIS job well... the pre-recovery me would have cried, badmouthed him to my friends and family, and started sending out resumes. The in-recovery me walked into his office and said "this is outrageous and wrong. I'm giving you the choice whether you will rewrite it to reflect MY work performance instead of yours, or whether you simply want to have a meeting with the Big Boss next week?"
He bitched and moaned and complained and then? He let me rewrite it.
I have many, many examples like that. With my friends? I have cut out the people in my life that were emotional vampires. I've limited my exposure to people who ooze negativity. Those people didn't like that.
It's like someone here said, I think -- when people pleasers stop pleasing people, people aren't pleased.
Has it created conflict? Well -- yes. But it's been necessary and useful conflict. Like when my supervisor-from-hell gave me an annual review (in writing) that was basically reflective of HIS inability to do HIS job well... the pre-recovery me would have cried, badmouthed him to my friends and family, and started sending out resumes. The in-recovery me walked into his office and said "this is outrageous and wrong. I'm giving you the choice whether you will rewrite it to reflect MY work performance instead of yours, or whether you simply want to have a meeting with the Big Boss next week?"
He bitched and moaned and complained and then? He let me rewrite it.
I have many, many examples like that. With my friends? I have cut out the people in my life that were emotional vampires. I've limited my exposure to people who ooze negativity. Those people didn't like that.
It's like someone here said, I think -- when people pleasers stop pleasing people, people aren't pleased.
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