Devushka25

I'm 13 days clean and sober now, having just come clean to my partner. I felt such overwhelming guilt about my using behind his back.
This got me thinking about my dad. He's been using crack cocaine since I was 9, as well as being an alcoholic. So I know where my predisposition comes from. I'm 26 now and for the last 6-7 years I've probably seen him 6 times? Only once in the last 3. His gf facebooks me once in a while to say, "your dad says he lives you. " he's technologically challenged and apparently "can't keep up with my changing numbers and addresses. I lived at my last place for 2 years and my number has been the same for longer... I often wonder if his gf is just fibbing to be kind. I think about him often but I don't even really know him anymore. The last time I saw him, he was in town, we met for coffee and it was like making awkward small talk with a stranger. He's missed over a decade of my life. I'd have to write him a novel to properly update him. But god do I miss him anyway. My mother loves to tell me he doesn't deserve for me to miss him. But I do. I still love him. And I feel guilty and awful all the time that I'm not chasing him down and beating him over the head with effort and reassurances that "I'm okay. ", "don't feel bad...", "I love you."s. he's the father, it's his responsibility to get clean, chase ME down, ask for my forgiveness and think about me all the time and feel guilty. So why is it the other way around?

These feelings are a large part (but to be fair not the only reason) I've been using and drinking, with a few breaks, for years. I beat myself up with guilt that I shouldn't feel for my father. I pray and pray that he'll get better one day and we'll have this amazing relationship as adults...just in time for him to one day walk me down the aisle and hold my first child. But I can't shake the feeling deep down that that will never ever happen. It's been 17 years...he's lost everything...he's not an *******, abusive in any way, the type of person you'd say good riddance to...so wouldn't he have done it by now? I know miracles happen but let's be realistic here, I'm not off base thinking the prognosis isn't good.

I guess I just don't understand why I still care so much. I don't know how to deal with these feelings. Being clean, even for this short time, is making it so that I'm really thinking about this kind of stuff again, so it's important I address this so I don't go back to old coping mechanisms. I have so much ud love to say to say to him but I don't want to hurt him or feed his own guilt because it will only fuel mine even more. And when u saw him I couldn't bring myself to do anything but fall over myself being kind, telling him how great he looked (he didn't. Look 15 years older than he should and haunt as hell), and laugh at all his off color joked I would scold anyone else for.

I need help. Insight. Commiseration. Something.

coraltint

you getting clean is the best thing you can do for yourself, and for your dad. one less thing for him to feel guilty about.

but you are not the cause of his addiction, and neither is he the cause of yours. you're a big girl now & making your own choices. choose to stay clean, whatever it takes!!

good luck, coming here & posting about what you're going thru is a great start!

dollydo

I am the daughter of an abusive alcoholic. I chose not to become an addict, it was a concious decision, however, it doesn't stop there as I did marry an alcoholic just as my mother did. To a degree, I lived what I saw, what I was exposed to.

Today, I do not speak to my mother, I just cannot endure any more of her abuse, I cannot watch her get plastered, it was her or me....I made the concious choice to choose me.

If you want to have a relationship with your dad, then IMO you must accept him just as he is, he is not going to change, however, with that said, if having this relationship puts your recovery in jeporady then it will not be worth it....as there is only one person you can save...you.

Congrats on your 14 days, keep up the good work!

Kialua

Congratulations. Glad you are here, have you read through our stickies above? They might have some of the answers about "why" you feel the way you do.

For now please work on yourself, give yourself permission to take care of yourself without any guilt. You need to be the captain of your own life without shanghaiing your Dad along with you on your life trip. He is choosing his own ship for now.

Even if your Dad sobers up I wouldn't expect any happy endings that include your future kids, they need to be protected from him.

VickiACA

Devushka25,

As you get more solid in your own recovery you might consider adding Al-Anon to your programs.

I have been using the Hope for Today reader lately and have found it very helpful.

ACA is the primary program I work and things are starting to look a little clearer.

My guess is that you want to get established in your own recovery before you start taking on the next layers.

Congratulations and best wishes on your new life.
Vicki

tromboneliness

This is a classic case of "put your own oxygen mask on first, then the other person's." With 13 days clean/sober, there's a lot on your plate -- as others have suggested, you can hardly be expected to deal with any more than just keeping your own wheels on the road, at this point.

It's hard to grasp the idea that your father's addiction is out of your hands, but it is. I come at it from the Al-Anon side, but I always find it helps to turn the situation around: How many people are there who control my behavior? Is there anyone who I always obey -- when they say, "Jump!," I ask, "How high?" Um, no -- there isnt'. Nobody controls me. I happen to know that there are a lot of things I do that I probably shouldn't, and there are a lot of things I don't do that I probably should, in terms of my own health. But no one's going to make me do it -- not by nagging, yelling, begging, pleading, or praying. I'm going to do pretty much what I'm going to do. If I decide to change my habits and behavior, that's great, but it's going to be on account of a decision I made, not because someone else "cared" about me in some huge amount, and because of all that caring, I finally got my head screwed on straight and started exercising more, seeing my doctor regularly, and giving up ice cream!

Does that help at all? That's the thing -- the guilt you feel implies that you have some degree of control over your Dad, which you don't. On the other hand, if you were to... somehow or other... stop worrying about his addiction, that wouldn't make things worse (as the guilt implies).

Things like Al-Anon and ACA would be helpful -- but probably not right away; your own sobriety is at the top of the list right now. But your message indicates a lot of self-awareness -- that's a great start!

T

FatallyUncool

Hi Devushka,

Congrats on your clean time. I've been following your progress and you are an inspiration.

Great advice posted here already. Keep going.