I feel stuck
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
I feel stuck
Just when I think I am following the right path mourning the loss of my dream, the potential of family life and the person I once believed my STBAXH to be, I have some communication with my A and I become so angry with him. Afterwards I feel as if someone has plucked me off my path and put me in some unrecognizable place far away from where I was and I'll have to feel my way back blindly and disoriented.
Today he accused my of putting my son in danger because I let my him go to a friend's house and go sledding. His issue is that this playmate's mother has MS. She is a fully-functioning, active and vibrant person, thank goodness. You would never have any sense of her diagnosis by looking at her.
Last week, I was at a friend's house for dinner with our boys. My friend's children and my boys were playing together and it was a wonderful two hours. A texted my 9 year old and asked "Is Mom drunk?" He then emailed me later to make some comment about how inappropriate it was of me to ignore my children while I got drunk with my friend. Needless to say, I was not drunk, nor drinking at all.
His issue, I believe, is that these are both divorced women....and he's trying to get me to react, grasping at straws. I did let him know it was inappropriate to text our son that way and that it put him in the middle. I didn't respond to the MS comment at all. (all of our communication is by email per protection order).
It just reminds me that he is no where near recovery or accepting any responsibility for his part in our separation. He is still looking for scapegoats, such as friendships with divorced women.
I feel like I'm doing well most of the time. I don't engage or take his bait. But recently I feel stuck - almost shut down. I'm so confused about where I should be in my own recovery. I don't take his comments to heart...I understand where they are coming from and they are not really about whether or not I am a good mother.
Am I supposed to feel nothing when he makes these comments? Will that be a sign that I've "arrived" in my recovery? I know the answer....sigh....it's a process.
I guess I'm just so tired of working so hard at it. I want a break. Standing my ground and taking the high road is exhausting.
I'm not even sure if I've made a coherent point here. I'm so weepy and didn't know what else to do but put it into words on SR.
MamaKit
Today he accused my of putting my son in danger because I let my him go to a friend's house and go sledding. His issue is that this playmate's mother has MS. She is a fully-functioning, active and vibrant person, thank goodness. You would never have any sense of her diagnosis by looking at her.
Last week, I was at a friend's house for dinner with our boys. My friend's children and my boys were playing together and it was a wonderful two hours. A texted my 9 year old and asked "Is Mom drunk?" He then emailed me later to make some comment about how inappropriate it was of me to ignore my children while I got drunk with my friend. Needless to say, I was not drunk, nor drinking at all.
His issue, I believe, is that these are both divorced women....and he's trying to get me to react, grasping at straws. I did let him know it was inappropriate to text our son that way and that it put him in the middle. I didn't respond to the MS comment at all. (all of our communication is by email per protection order).
It just reminds me that he is no where near recovery or accepting any responsibility for his part in our separation. He is still looking for scapegoats, such as friendships with divorced women.
I feel like I'm doing well most of the time. I don't engage or take his bait. But recently I feel stuck - almost shut down. I'm so confused about where I should be in my own recovery. I don't take his comments to heart...I understand where they are coming from and they are not really about whether or not I am a good mother.
Am I supposed to feel nothing when he makes these comments? Will that be a sign that I've "arrived" in my recovery? I know the answer....sigh....it's a process.
I guess I'm just so tired of working so hard at it. I want a break. Standing my ground and taking the high road is exhausting.
I'm not even sure if I've made a coherent point here. I'm so weepy and didn't know what else to do but put it into words on SR.
MamaKit
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Sound like he's projecting his failings as a father on you -- if he can point to things he thinks you're doing wrong, he can feel better about his parenting. Smart woman not to take the bait and react. It is human to have feelings -- don't fault yourself for feeling. It's an upsetting situation. You are so right not to engage!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
My ex-H would accuse me of all sorts of outlandish things...he did so, I believe, because he wanted to feel better about what he was doing (having an affair) by putting me down.
On some level, I think he wanted to get me to react because then he could feel justified for have the affair because I was the 'crazy woman'. When I finally realized this was what he was doing, his bizarre attacks were put into perspective, and soon he became like a gnat just buzzing around. I could swat his comments away and move on with my day.
I hope that you will get to that point, soon, as well. Hope your son had a wonderful time sledding!!
On some level, I think he wanted to get me to react because then he could feel justified for have the affair because I was the 'crazy woman'. When I finally realized this was what he was doing, his bizarre attacks were put into perspective, and soon he became like a gnat just buzzing around. I could swat his comments away and move on with my day.
I hope that you will get to that point, soon, as well. Hope your son had a wonderful time sledding!!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
They say the most awful things. It amazes me how they can twist and deflect who "they" really are on everyone else. My ex had a tongue as sharp as a knife and the mental IQ of a 11 year old, combined he left nothing but hurt and anger in his wake.
You are a good mom, don't let him bring you down, soon, the time will come when his words will no longer have any power, it will be like he is carrying a sword...with no blade.
Make today a beautiful one for you and your children!
You are a good mom, don't let him bring you down, soon, the time will come when his words will no longer have any power, it will be like he is carrying a sword...with no blade.
Make today a beautiful one for you and your children!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you are doing just fine. I don't think recovery means stuff never hurts us, but look how you recognize what he is doing and respond in a way that doesn't feed into it. That's MASSIVE progress. I also think the more we practice responding (or not responding) in certain ways, the feelings do eventually follow. It's as if we start believing ourselves, instead of the alcoholic.
Yeah, you have a great day today!
Yeah, you have a great day today!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
This was so hard for me (and it continues to be).
It was hard for me to find that balance of feeling but not reacting in a way that contributed to it.
Of realizing just because someone said it...did not make it my truth. In an inebriated (or not recovered) state it was not even their truth.
Hugs to you, and I hope some of the rawness of this dissipates for you today.
It was hard for me to find that balance of feeling but not reacting in a way that contributed to it.
Of realizing just because someone said it...did not make it my truth. In an inebriated (or not recovered) state it was not even their truth.
Hugs to you, and I hope some of the rawness of this dissipates for you today.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Thank you all for the supportive words.
I didn't sleep much last night. I'm trying to quell my anxiousness about his two-week stay back here on this coast and the time he will spend with the boys. I feel like a child throwing a tantrum....because all I could focus on was what I want. I just want him to get better. I want him to be decent! I want him to be a good dad that I can trust!
His actions/words keep reminding me that I am not going to get what I want. That's what I have to work through right now. I have to figure out my plan moving forward with the assumption that he just is not going to change. I have to acknowledge how detrimental my expectations of him are on my recovery.
I guess I've just let go of another little piece of the life I thought I had. It is hard.
It's going to happen this way isn't it? Bit by bit and piece by piece.
In all other parts of my life I like to get things done and move on - but sadly, this process doesn't work that way.
MamaKit
I didn't sleep much last night. I'm trying to quell my anxiousness about his two-week stay back here on this coast and the time he will spend with the boys. I feel like a child throwing a tantrum....because all I could focus on was what I want. I just want him to get better. I want him to be decent! I want him to be a good dad that I can trust!
His actions/words keep reminding me that I am not going to get what I want. That's what I have to work through right now. I have to figure out my plan moving forward with the assumption that he just is not going to change. I have to acknowledge how detrimental my expectations of him are on my recovery.
I guess I've just let go of another little piece of the life I thought I had. It is hard.
It's going to happen this way isn't it? Bit by bit and piece by piece.
In all other parts of my life I like to get things done and move on - but sadly, this process doesn't work that way.
MamaKit
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
I could imagine that your situation in incredibly frustrating being that you can't completely disconnect yourself from this man since you share children. My advice would be to keep communication to as little as possible. It is clear that you ex is deliberately trying to get under your skin. You don't deserve it, and unfortunately we can't control how other people act/treat us. We can only control how we react, and who we allow in our lives.
Remember that his words have no validity and he is in the gutter, trying to make you feel as badly as he probably does. Try your best not to entertain it - sounds like you have been doing well as far. Maybe even laugh about how incredulous the stuff he comes out with is. Sad.
Remember that his words have no validity and he is in the gutter, trying to make you feel as badly as he probably does. Try your best not to entertain it - sounds like you have been doing well as far. Maybe even laugh about how incredulous the stuff he comes out with is. Sad.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
(((MamaKit))) so sorry for your pain and frustration.
I too believe my RAH projects his feelings of insecurity and shortcomings unto me and sometimes it is just his inability to accept that he has the disease of alcoholism and I don't. I think this brings him all sorts of pain and causes him to lash out at me.
Not to defend your STBXAH but just saying, it's not you, don't take it personally.
Unfortunately, it seems it's difficult to move away from that, especially when you still have the kids to look out for and protect from any transgressions. It just s*cks sometimes.
Sounds like you are doing great, building a new life for yourself and your kids, reaching out to others and bringing in moments of joy. I am sorry you don't have the affirmation from a supportive spouse.
When I was separated from my AH, we were all doing great and having moments of joy and I still couldn't let go of my marriage. When AH stopped drinking and started recovery, I decided to try again. Some days are ok but a lot of days seem worse than when we were separated and I wonder what made me make this choice. Most likely fear of the unknown and hoping to have my dream back. I admire you for moving on with your life and would expect that you as we all do have feelings and need affirmation not condemnation from the father of your children.
I too believe my RAH projects his feelings of insecurity and shortcomings unto me and sometimes it is just his inability to accept that he has the disease of alcoholism and I don't. I think this brings him all sorts of pain and causes him to lash out at me.
Not to defend your STBXAH but just saying, it's not you, don't take it personally.
Unfortunately, it seems it's difficult to move away from that, especially when you still have the kids to look out for and protect from any transgressions. It just s*cks sometimes.
Sounds like you are doing great, building a new life for yourself and your kids, reaching out to others and bringing in moments of joy. I am sorry you don't have the affirmation from a supportive spouse.
When I was separated from my AH, we were all doing great and having moments of joy and I still couldn't let go of my marriage. When AH stopped drinking and started recovery, I decided to try again. Some days are ok but a lot of days seem worse than when we were separated and I wonder what made me make this choice. Most likely fear of the unknown and hoping to have my dream back. I admire you for moving on with your life and would expect that you as we all do have feelings and need affirmation not condemnation from the father of your children.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
9 year olds have cell phones these days? I had a bike and baseball cards and was grateful for them. It's amazing how technology is such a double-edged sword.
I'm sorry he was brought into the middle of this situation. You are doing well to not engage. Good luck.
I'm sorry he was brought into the middle of this situation. You are doing well to not engage. Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
Cell phone was purchased so Dad has direct line to the boys AND (most importantly) so on the occasions that he is with the boys they can reach me at a moment's notice. It's written into our parental contact provisions that he must let them contact me whenever they choose.
In a perfect world....they would have had to wait until they could pay the monthly bill for cell phone themselves!
In a perfect world....they would have had to wait until they could pay the monthly bill for cell phone themselves!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 414
I see. I was not trying to criticize, just shocked at how times have changed.
So in the name of protecting the children, the court and lawyers in all of their infinite wisdom, have unwittingly made it easier for the kids to become pawns in the emotional game of chess played by parents going through a divorce. As if it isn't tough enough. So sad you and the boys have to deal with this.
Thoughts and prayers...
So in the name of protecting the children, the court and lawyers in all of their infinite wisdom, have unwittingly made it easier for the kids to become pawns in the emotional game of chess played by parents going through a divorce. As if it isn't tough enough. So sad you and the boys have to deal with this.
Thoughts and prayers...
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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MamaKit, I have had to put some restrictions on the cell phone for this very reason. I have a tray on the coutertop in the kitchen, and all cell phones, ipods, whatever, go on it whenever it's not a designated use time. Otherwise my ex has a direct line to screw with my son all the time. He can't be bothered to do any parenting when they're face to face, but they're both plugged into the matrix more or less constantly unless I but the kibosh on it.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Both of my sons have basic cell phones. It is important to me so that they have a direct line to me whenever they are with Dad. They know who and how to call if there is ever an issue where they feel unsafe or uncomfortable. I monitor their calls and texts by checking them every night. That text was the only inapproriate one. He knows that I have recorded that text. He also knows that it won't serve him well when a judge looks at his ability to co-parent in the best interests of our children. I have many tangible examples of his clear preference to fight with me over seeing his children.
Also, because of the protection order, he can not call my phone. So, it just works for them to have one. He is still based on the opposite coast - so their contact is mostly phone, text and skype. If there are subsequent inappropriate texts, I'm prepared to block him from their phones.
Also, because of the protection order, he can not call my phone. So, it just works for them to have one. He is still based on the opposite coast - so their contact is mostly phone, text and skype. If there are subsequent inappropriate texts, I'm prepared to block him from their phones.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
It will get easier & the reaction less over time.
Sorry you're struggling with this, my axh would tell the kids to their face that I was an alcoholic who spent all the household money on booze.
A total lie.
Unnecessary I know but guess it makes their small stupid world seem better.
Sorry you're struggling with this, my axh would tell the kids to their face that I was an alcoholic who spent all the household money on booze.
A total lie.
Unnecessary I know but guess it makes their small stupid world seem better.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I have to agree with everyone. With or without you he would still be saying these crazy things. Hes an addict ...thats what they do.
My ah once told me I was a bad mom because our toddler had an accident
Or because she threw a fit and I ignored it.
Thats what children do.has no bearing on me as a parent or person.
Like your xah whom tossed around comments about ypu drinking or with a divorcée.
Thats what people do....they talk with other people (ms or not) they make playdates
And they drink (sorry but as a woman who isnt an alcoholic. No harm in a glass anyhow)
It all makes no sense. Yet it gets to us so well. Why? Because they are close to us. Because we cant just NOT talk or see them (we have kids with them) and because a part of being an alcoholic....they deny and twist reality with their words and actions so well. Its almost believable.
Dont listen. Its all bs and going through the hoop a time before we know it but we get swindled back into the chaos of their fantasy.
Its hard but eventually . ..hopefully. easier.
Best luck
My ah once told me I was a bad mom because our toddler had an accident
Or because she threw a fit and I ignored it.
Thats what children do.has no bearing on me as a parent or person.
Like your xah whom tossed around comments about ypu drinking or with a divorcée.
Thats what people do....they talk with other people (ms or not) they make playdates
And they drink (sorry but as a woman who isnt an alcoholic. No harm in a glass anyhow)
It all makes no sense. Yet it gets to us so well. Why? Because they are close to us. Because we cant just NOT talk or see them (we have kids with them) and because a part of being an alcoholic....they deny and twist reality with their words and actions so well. Its almost believable.
Dont listen. Its all bs and going through the hoop a time before we know it but we get swindled back into the chaos of their fantasy.
Its hard but eventually . ..hopefully. easier.
Best luck
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Just be a bit careful on the cell phones the boys have.
My kids also only got cell phones because their Dad moved countries (one was only 8!) & it wasn't long before my eldest daughter started to get indirect threats aimed at me but texted to her. He was actually telling her abruptly what to say to me. It was awful. I had a big think & rather than punish her by taking her phone away we had a big discussion about what had happened & she didn't like it anymore than I did & chose to ignore it. They've stopped now. I was glad to be able to talk openly & honestly with my daughter about this. She should never have been put in that situation but she was & we dealt with it together.
My kids also only got cell phones because their Dad moved countries (one was only 8!) & it wasn't long before my eldest daughter started to get indirect threats aimed at me but texted to her. He was actually telling her abruptly what to say to me. It was awful. I had a big think & rather than punish her by taking her phone away we had a big discussion about what had happened & she didn't like it anymore than I did & chose to ignore it. They've stopped now. I was glad to be able to talk openly & honestly with my daughter about this. She should never have been put in that situation but she was & we dealt with it together.
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