choublak

Says my mom. I need to be more efficient so I can reach certain goals as quickly as possible. What?

LifeRecovery

This is coming from your mom without a lot of recovery though right? If I remember right this is not the first time she has commented on your recovery kind of setting you up?

CharlieNoogan

Does your mom think it is a race or something?

Maybe this message from Hazelden on 02/09/13 will help:


Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Coping with Families

There are many paths to self-care with families. Some people choose to sever connections with family members for a period of time. Some people choose to stay connected with family members and learn different behaviors. Some disconnect for a time, and then return slowly on a different basis.

There is no one or perfect way to deal with members of our family in recovery. It is up to each of us to choose a path that suits us and our needs at each point in time.

The idea that is new to us in recovery is that we can choose. We can set the boundaries we need to set with family members. We can choose a path that works for us, without guilt and obligation or undue influence from any source, including recovery professionals.

Our goal is to detach in love with family members. Our goal is to be able to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, and live healthy lives despite what family members do or don't do. We decide what boundaries or decisions are necessary to do this.

It's okay to say no to our families when that is what we want. It's okay to say yes to our families if that feels right. It's okay to call time out and it's okay to go back as a different person.

God, help me choose the path that is right for me with family. Help me understand there is no right or wrong in this process. Help me strive for forgiveness and learn to detach with love, whenever possible. I understand that this never implies that I have to forfeit self-care and health for the good of the system.

You are reading from the book:



The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

The Language of Letting Go © 1990 by Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the permission of Hazelden.

choublak

What, my mom setting me up?

She seems to think if she keeps repeating her same speech to me it will sink in or something. I don't know.

My mom isn't the one with the A partner.

LifeRecovery

But she was with your dad for how long?

I fell into similar behaviors around alcohol that I do it with other dysfunction also.

In my case thank goodness it is progress, not perfection. I have been working on this stuff a long time to have not "gotten" there yet.

splendra

My only advise is take care of you keep the focus on yourself. l Sometimes have to take a break from my family.

We look for progress not obsessive searching for perfection.

choublak

She says she can't relate to me because she's very goal-oriented and I'm not. Ugh. I feel like something is wrong with me.

choublak

What's really funny is, she has actually asked me more than once, "why didn't you just leave if you didn't like his binge drinking?"

I seriously wonder sometimes, if she asks me that just to **** me off or what.

LifeRecovery

Can you specify how come you think something is wrong with you?

The reason I ask is from the outside it feels like she is kind of trying to slime her own stuff off on you. I have learned that it is not just people in the throes of chemical addiction that do that. For me it has been hardest to recognize that with my family. I have had to take breaks from them in the past (it is always better for all of us when I come back).

On the other hand my family often also gives me the most insight into my own stuff and garbage. I don't always treat them the best, and they have known me the longest.

For me some of that is the difference between guilt (having done something wrong and knowing I need to make up for it) or shame which for me means usually that I think I am wrong or bad. I don't know if that is what you are experiencing with either, but often for me guilt I get to on my own and shame I get when someone is trying to hand me their stuff. I don't know if that makes any sense.

choublak

What's "wrong" is that I have goals but they're not on a specific time frame, so I'm not moving forward; I'm just "spinning wheels".

She has a hard time relating to my "lifestyle" whatever that means.

choublak

She would probably respond to this with something like "but the years fly by and you don't want to turn around one day and look back on your life with all these regrets."

LifeRecovery

That sounds like her putting stuff on you.

Are you happy with your goals? Your lifestyle?

choublak

I am, but she can make me feel bad, although she says that's not her intention.

She thinks if I don't "do more" now, that I will look back on my life with all these regrets when I'm older.

LexieCat

I agree--it sounds as if she is projecting her own regrets onto you.

If you are happy with your plans and your progress, then I suggest you just thank her for her concern and let it go.

choublak

The thing is, if I call her out on that, she will deny it and say that while she does have regrets she has moved on.

LexieCat

I'm not suggesting you "call her out on it." I was just suggesting that this may be why she's saying those things. You don't have to do anything but politely ignore the advice.

choublak

I know, I was saying I've called her out on it in the past and she denied it so wouldn't that mean it's not true?

LexieCat

I'll take that as intended sarcasm. Doesn't really matter if it's true, does it?

choublak

I wasn't being sarcastic.

LexieCat

OK, it still doesn't matter. Whether it's true or not (her projecting, I mean). You are your self, you are not her.

"Thanks mom, I'll think about that. Have a nice day."

Parents hate to see their kids in pain. Many of them cannot help themselves when it comes to giving advice. Just because they give it doesn't mean it has any merit. You can thank them for their concern and still do what you know to be right for you.