My dilemma
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: auburn,wa
Posts: 8
My dilemma
So here is the problem.... Before i decided to get sober, which was yesterday, i agreed to go to Vegas with my best friend in the beginning of May. Obviously this is not the best place to go if you trying to get better, but the rooms are already booked and she has her heart set on me going. I don't know what to do. I know i am not strong enough for Vegas, but i don't know how to let her know that i think its best if i don't go. I know she wont understand, and will be angry. Plus, like i said, its already mostly paid for. How am i going to get through this?
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Hi Lambchop,
I am not sure what kind of recovery program you are working, but I would just love to go to a big city like Bellingham or Las Vegas. I would go to NA or AA meetings; in a city like Vegas, there are probably other meetings too!
It's kind of cold and gray here now--won't it be nice to head south for sunshine?
I am not sure what kind of recovery program you are working, but I would just love to go to a big city like Bellingham or Las Vegas. I would go to NA or AA meetings; in a city like Vegas, there are probably other meetings too!
It's kind of cold and gray here now--won't it be nice to head south for sunshine?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Bedfordshire, UK
Posts: 88
Hi lambchop,
This is probably a pointless post in that it contains no advice on how to get through your dilemma, but.....
When I decided to go Sober at the end of December, I knew the most difficult situation was going to be a 40th birthday trip to Dublin, in Ireland (I imagine Dublin is like Vegas as far as alcohol is concerned). This took place Jan 12/13th.
The first night I got through without drinking, but I didn't enjoy it. The second I held off as long as I could, then had a few beers through dinner and into the evening.
In a way felt I was letting the mate (who's 40th it was) down by 'not' drinking.
Anyway that was 29 days ago and I've been sober since. If I faced that situation now I think I would be fine with it.
Given the situation again, what would I have done differently? I would have still gone on the trip, but gone back to the hotel early. For some reason this idea did not come to me at the time, probably due to the inexperience of being newly sober.
This is probably a pointless post in that it contains no advice on how to get through your dilemma, but.....
When I decided to go Sober at the end of December, I knew the most difficult situation was going to be a 40th birthday trip to Dublin, in Ireland (I imagine Dublin is like Vegas as far as alcohol is concerned). This took place Jan 12/13th.
The first night I got through without drinking, but I didn't enjoy it. The second I held off as long as I could, then had a few beers through dinner and into the evening.
In a way felt I was letting the mate (who's 40th it was) down by 'not' drinking.
Anyway that was 29 days ago and I've been sober since. If I faced that situation now I think I would be fine with it.
Given the situation again, what would I have done differently? I would have still gone on the trip, but gone back to the hotel early. For some reason this idea did not come to me at the time, probably due to the inexperience of being newly sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I did not put my self in harms way for a good few months - I really wanted to be sober - nothing else was as important.
If you feel the trip is a bad idea for you recoverywise, let people know now...don't leave it til the last minute to pull out.
D
If you feel the trip is a bad idea for you recoverywise, let people know now...don't leave it til the last minute to pull out.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 603
Hi lambchop6,
If your friend is a true friend, she should understand. I'm sorry she doesn't. It might be appropriate to pay your fare even if you don't go. She shouldn't be stuck with the tab. When you say it's mostly paid for, I'm assuming you're referring to the cost of gas to get there. You're a bit of a ways from Vegas. If it's airfare you're referring to, then your friend won't be out any money, but if it's gas, that's a different story. It might be worth offering her some money to maintain the friendship.
Just a suggestion, not a mandate.
Whatever the case, I hope you can maintain the friendship.
I'm fortunate in the sense that drinking or not drinking is not relevant to my friendships. They're not based on that. It just makes it all the more difficult if you find the need to stay away from people because of their propensities and the risk of falling back into old behaviors.
I don't know what you were planning to do in Vegas and how much drinking would be involved, but it's not a good place to stop drinking for sure. You might replace your obsession with alcohol with gambling and that could lead to some remorse.
Or you could win and it might be awesome.
I'm not much help, am I?
I can say that a friend is a precious thing. Sometimes you have to make concessions, and I wish for you that you don't feel bad if you do.
There was a poster here on SR who was going to Vegas in early recovery. I can't recall if she posted after doing it, but she hasn't posted for a while that I've seen when I've logged on, so I don't know what the end result was. She was going for the gambling and thought the temptation to drink wasn't an issue.
I'm not on here 24/7, so she may have posted and it may have all worked out fine.
That's probably a moot point anyway, because it sounds like you've made up your mind not to go. They call it Sin City for a reason.
As I've progressed in age, quiet times at home have become more satisfying than pursuing excitement. I was never a fan of bars. Who wants to spend all that money to listen to crappy music or shout to be heard for a conversation that's usually not that gratifying anyway? However, don't they serve you drinks for free in casinos in Vegas? Maybe that's just an urban legend, or maybe it's not common practice anymore.
:day1
If your friend is a true friend, she should understand. I'm sorry she doesn't. It might be appropriate to pay your fare even if you don't go. She shouldn't be stuck with the tab. When you say it's mostly paid for, I'm assuming you're referring to the cost of gas to get there. You're a bit of a ways from Vegas. If it's airfare you're referring to, then your friend won't be out any money, but if it's gas, that's a different story. It might be worth offering her some money to maintain the friendship.
Just a suggestion, not a mandate.
Whatever the case, I hope you can maintain the friendship.
I'm fortunate in the sense that drinking or not drinking is not relevant to my friendships. They're not based on that. It just makes it all the more difficult if you find the need to stay away from people because of their propensities and the risk of falling back into old behaviors.
I don't know what you were planning to do in Vegas and how much drinking would be involved, but it's not a good place to stop drinking for sure. You might replace your obsession with alcohol with gambling and that could lead to some remorse.
Or you could win and it might be awesome.
I'm not much help, am I?
I can say that a friend is a precious thing. Sometimes you have to make concessions, and I wish for you that you don't feel bad if you do.
There was a poster here on SR who was going to Vegas in early recovery. I can't recall if she posted after doing it, but she hasn't posted for a while that I've seen when I've logged on, so I don't know what the end result was. She was going for the gambling and thought the temptation to drink wasn't an issue.
I'm not on here 24/7, so she may have posted and it may have all worked out fine.
That's probably a moot point anyway, because it sounds like you've made up your mind not to go. They call it Sin City for a reason.
As I've progressed in age, quiet times at home have become more satisfying than pursuing excitement. I was never a fan of bars. Who wants to spend all that money to listen to crappy music or shout to be heard for a conversation that's usually not that gratifying anyway? However, don't they serve you drinks for free in casinos in Vegas? Maybe that's just an urban legend, or maybe it's not common practice anymore.
:day1
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I've done three holidays sober.
One was all inclusive.
A wedding in Dublin.
Three work conferences.
Numerous birthdays and a 40th.
Christmas and New year.
I would rather have not gone to the wedding (hated the bride) and the work conferences but I sort of had to put on my happy face and I was determined that all the others who might have preferred me drinking, would see no difference in terms of having a laugh and fun.
It was not always easy.
I was quite bored at some events.
Some nights I could not wait to get back to my room and log on here and read.
But I just saw it as I had to do what I had to do.
However, if I had thought my sober days would have been at threat, I might have got into serious trouble, I might have got black out drunk and ended up in hospital or arrested, then I would have had to have said I would not go.
One was all inclusive.
A wedding in Dublin.
Three work conferences.
Numerous birthdays and a 40th.
Christmas and New year.
I would rather have not gone to the wedding (hated the bride) and the work conferences but I sort of had to put on my happy face and I was determined that all the others who might have preferred me drinking, would see no difference in terms of having a laugh and fun.
It was not always easy.
I was quite bored at some events.
Some nights I could not wait to get back to my room and log on here and read.
But I just saw it as I had to do what I had to do.
However, if I had thought my sober days would have been at threat, I might have got into serious trouble, I might have got black out drunk and ended up in hospital or arrested, then I would have had to have said I would not go.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 150
I got sober this time on October 28 and had a big wedding I was standing up for on Nov. 10. I was a daily drinker and I dranks LOTS of Red Bull but no booze and was SO happy the next morning and still had fun. I made sure to go to an AA meeting beforehand in the morning to keep that 'feeling' with me all day. I haven't had a drink in 105 days, even with all the holidays.
Now, I don't know if I would go to Vegas. Then again, it's in May, so once you get 3 months under your belt, you may feel differently. I think I could do vegas now, but the thing is - I've gotten to the point of complete and utter surrender. I do not want to pick up that first drink because I KNOW where it will eventually take me...tried and failed to stop/control for years. This is the first time I'm not feeling sorry for myself that I'm an alcoholic - I"m embracing it and being an adult about it and finally realizing I just can't drink. If you're in the same boat, in 3 months, Vegas may seem do-able. BUT - if your friend is going to party and it's just you two - maybe you should see if someone else can take over your ticket/room. Believe me, it isn't worth your life.
but if alot of people are going then maybe if you're strong enough, you could handle it?
Now, I don't know if I would go to Vegas. Then again, it's in May, so once you get 3 months under your belt, you may feel differently. I think I could do vegas now, but the thing is - I've gotten to the point of complete and utter surrender. I do not want to pick up that first drink because I KNOW where it will eventually take me...tried and failed to stop/control for years. This is the first time I'm not feeling sorry for myself that I'm an alcoholic - I"m embracing it and being an adult about it and finally realizing I just can't drink. If you're in the same boat, in 3 months, Vegas may seem do-able. BUT - if your friend is going to party and it's just you two - maybe you should see if someone else can take over your ticket/room. Believe me, it isn't worth your life.
but if alot of people are going then maybe if you're strong enough, you could handle it?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Clinton, MT
Posts: 255
Lets see:
Recover from a life-or-death disease VS disappoint a friend.
Gee, I don't know ... that's a toughie.
Sorry to be a smarta**, but recovery from this little disorder takes a pretty serious commitment. If your friend is a friend, she'll understand.
All the best.
Recover from a life-or-death disease VS disappoint a friend.
Gee, I don't know ... that's a toughie.
Sorry to be a smarta**, but recovery from this little disorder takes a pretty serious commitment. If your friend is a friend, she'll understand.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 25
One important question - is your friend a big drinker, and do you think that a lot of her activities in Vegas would revolve around drinking?
Because if not, Vegas is a fantastic place to be sober. Of course, the casinos are trying to ply you with alcohol, but they're only doing that so that you'll lose all your money on the tables... which you won't do if you're sober. There are tons of great sites to see and lots of great places to eat. I don't understand why some people spend so much money to go to Vegas if all they're going to do is drink to forget it.
There is also the chance that your feelings toward this trip may change. This is only your second day of being a non-drinker, so naturally Vegas sounds intimidating, but by mid-May you'll have four months of sobriety under your belt. I've only been abstaining for 42 days but already I don't consider drinking alcohol when I'm out on the town; it's no longer part of my habit.
That said, you know yourself much better than I do; if you truly believe Vegas with your friend would be too much of a challenge for you, I agree with Dee that you should change your plans sooner rather than later. Doing so now might also help reduce your stress levels during the next few months, which can help you to stay sober.
Best of luck to you.
Because if not, Vegas is a fantastic place to be sober. Of course, the casinos are trying to ply you with alcohol, but they're only doing that so that you'll lose all your money on the tables... which you won't do if you're sober. There are tons of great sites to see and lots of great places to eat. I don't understand why some people spend so much money to go to Vegas if all they're going to do is drink to forget it.
There is also the chance that your feelings toward this trip may change. This is only your second day of being a non-drinker, so naturally Vegas sounds intimidating, but by mid-May you'll have four months of sobriety under your belt. I've only been abstaining for 42 days but already I don't consider drinking alcohol when I'm out on the town; it's no longer part of my habit.
That said, you know yourself much better than I do; if you truly believe Vegas with your friend would be too much of a challenge for you, I agree with Dee that you should change your plans sooner rather than later. Doing so now might also help reduce your stress levels during the next few months, which can help you to stay sober.
Best of luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,334
lambchop,
You said in your post you're not strong enough to go. Why not just tell your friend that? If she is truly your best friend, she will understand. I would tell her promptly though, so she has as much advance notice as possible.
You said in your post you're not strong enough to go. Why not just tell your friend that? If she is truly your best friend, she will understand. I would tell her promptly though, so she has as much advance notice as possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: auburn,wa
Posts: 8
Thank you all for the responses. Its has helped me gain some clarity.
I don't think i will go. The odds would be against me if i did. Not only is there an unlimited supply of free alcohol, all of the people i'm am going with are drinkers. This would be my second time going so i know the temptation i am bound to face will be to strong, and im not willing to risk my life and well being for a friends hurt feelings. If i were going with people that were more interested in the sights and activities instead of getting loaded i would love to go, but i know that will not be the case. And yes, maybe after 3 months sobriety i will be stronger, but i'm just not willing to risk it. I really want this, and i need to be willing to do whatever it takes.
I don't think i will go. The odds would be against me if i did. Not only is there an unlimited supply of free alcohol, all of the people i'm am going with are drinkers. This would be my second time going so i know the temptation i am bound to face will be to strong, and im not willing to risk my life and well being for a friends hurt feelings. If i were going with people that were more interested in the sights and activities instead of getting loaded i would love to go, but i know that will not be the case. And yes, maybe after 3 months sobriety i will be stronger, but i'm just not willing to risk it. I really want this, and i need to be willing to do whatever it takes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Could you treat your friend as a way of making it up to her?
I'm guessing your both female - could you take her to a spa for the day?
If its a land mark birthday how about a skydive, hot air balloon ride, something a little bit special?
It will be okay, I promise.
If I was your friend, I would understand.
I'm guessing your both female - could you take her to a spa for the day?
If its a land mark birthday how about a skydive, hot air balloon ride, something a little bit special?
It will be okay, I promise.
If I was your friend, I would understand.
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