I go for those traits
One day at a time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 32
I go for those traits
You guys have helped me a lot, I went to my first Al-anon meeting. Was actually nervous new someone I knew. It went amazing they gave me the book courage to change... its a daily reading, had the 12 steps, the serenity poem.
At my Al-anon meeting I made a comment about how my ex-fiancé was an alcoholic as well. They asked if all of my boyfriends drank a lot, I said come to think of it since high school yeah. They asked if my parents drink a lot, never thought about it but yeah every night they finish a bottle and a half of wine and on weekends 2 bottles. I wouldn't say my parents are alcoholics but I would say that they drink a lot. Then I look for those traits in men they said. I myself have never drank a lot because of medical reasons, my sister doesn't like what it does to her but my brother does... all my family/cousins/aunts/uncles come to think of it drink a lot as well. I thought that was very weird.
Then I went and bought "Codependent no more" you and my al-non meeting recommended I read it. I also bought "more language of letting go" that's also melody beattie.
Since I bought them and went to my Al-anon meeting my alcoholic boyfriend has told me that I am becoming distant and changing. I don't see it but he does. He also told me on Wednesday that I say I love you, 30 times a day and he doesn't need to hear it that much. Then on Friday he tells me that since he has told me that I have stopped saying I love you. I thought I was.
At my Al-anon meeting I made a comment about how my ex-fiancé was an alcoholic as well. They asked if all of my boyfriends drank a lot, I said come to think of it since high school yeah. They asked if my parents drink a lot, never thought about it but yeah every night they finish a bottle and a half of wine and on weekends 2 bottles. I wouldn't say my parents are alcoholics but I would say that they drink a lot. Then I look for those traits in men they said. I myself have never drank a lot because of medical reasons, my sister doesn't like what it does to her but my brother does... all my family/cousins/aunts/uncles come to think of it drink a lot as well. I thought that was very weird.
Then I went and bought "Codependent no more" you and my al-non meeting recommended I read it. I also bought "more language of letting go" that's also melody beattie.
Since I bought them and went to my Al-anon meeting my alcoholic boyfriend has told me that I am becoming distant and changing. I don't see it but he does. He also told me on Wednesday that I say I love you, 30 times a day and he doesn't need to hear it that much. Then on Friday he tells me that since he has told me that I have stopped saying I love you. I thought I was.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Sounds like you are taking positive steps to a healthier you. Good on You!
I know I was 40+ years of age when I finally noticed the pattern of men in my life. I sat down and had a talk with myself.
I said: "Pelican, you have a pattern of seeking the same *type* of man in your life: Tall, older, strong, silent type. And dear Pelican, you keep ending up with the same results: intimidation, lack of communication, and lack of respect for my rights as an equal partner."
I took the time to come up with a better *type* of relationship partner. I left the physical traits out of the equation and started looking for the things that were really important to me in a relationship.
The new list looked like this:
I want someone who is open, honest and forthright. I also want to be treated with respect as an equal partner in the relationship and life.
Keep on keepin on!
I know I was 40+ years of age when I finally noticed the pattern of men in my life. I sat down and had a talk with myself.
I said: "Pelican, you have a pattern of seeking the same *type* of man in your life: Tall, older, strong, silent type. And dear Pelican, you keep ending up with the same results: intimidation, lack of communication, and lack of respect for my rights as an equal partner."
I took the time to come up with a better *type* of relationship partner. I left the physical traits out of the equation and started looking for the things that were really important to me in a relationship.
The new list looked like this:
I want someone who is open, honest and forthright. I also want to be treated with respect as an equal partner in the relationship and life.
Keep on keepin on!
One day at a time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Edmonton, Alberta
Posts: 32
Earthworm what to do you mean by " he's just crazy making"? Now that he is sober he is getting agitated all the time and the wrong thing said would make him snap. I have not had him snap at me yet. He says he doesn't like that about himself when he is sober. I think he needs to find something relaxing to do find a hobby. Meditating just pisses him off and he doesn't like it. He says he is the most relaxed with me. But he can't be with me 24/7 I do have a job. Which there is 11 1/2 years difference between us so I am immature compared to him. I'm not saying I am immature because I am not. I am smarter than most people my age.
I had lunch with him today, suppose to go skating but we don't have enough time because I start work in an hour. I am scared that he is going to snap at me, I've never done well when people yell at me maybe because my mother never yelled at me. He's never yelled at me, which is a good thing.
I had lunch with him today, suppose to go skating but we don't have enough time because I start work in an hour. I am scared that he is going to snap at me, I've never done well when people yell at me maybe because my mother never yelled at me. He's never yelled at me, which is a good thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
IMHO, once you reach adulthood, age and maturity just don't correlate anymore. Experience and self-awareness are the makings of maturity. He may have 11 1/2 years more experience than you, but that doesn't mean he has had the self-awareness necessary to glean the important lessons from those experiences. Don't let him play Papa Bear with you. You are your own person, capable of choosing your own path. If you want to tell him you love him 100 times a day, because you feel love that often, then DO! If you aren't feeling it, then don't express it. Why is he counting?
Honey, it's crazy-making when he makes you constantly second-guess yourself... When you walk on eggshells, hoping he won't snap at you... when he makes you believe that he needs you in order to stay sane and at peace with the world. That just makes you feel obliged to be with him during all your spare time, and you will feel guilty for even thinking of doing something for yourself. That is all crazy behavior, and his demands of you are making that crazy. Be careful, and take some time to learn about appropriate boundaries right now.
Keep reading around this forum, and learn all you can about alcoholism and codependency.
Take care,
Fathom
Honey, it's crazy-making when he makes you constantly second-guess yourself... When you walk on eggshells, hoping he won't snap at you... when he makes you believe that he needs you in order to stay sane and at peace with the world. That just makes you feel obliged to be with him during all your spare time, and you will feel guilty for even thinking of doing something for yourself. That is all crazy behavior, and his demands of you are making that crazy. Be careful, and take some time to learn about appropriate boundaries right now.
Keep reading around this forum, and learn all you can about alcoholism and codependency.
Take care,
Fathom
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
"Crazymaking is an expression. It means he,s playing with your mind or trying to anyways.
He doesn,t need a hobby he needs to go to A.A.
He doesn,t need a hobby he needs to go to A.A.
Originally Posted by Charlie0414 
Earthworm what to do you mean by " he's just crazy making"? Now that he is sober he is getting agitated all the time and the wrong thing said would make him snap. I have not had him snap at me yet. He says he doesn't like that about himself when he is sober. I think he needs to find something relaxing to do find a hobby. Meditating just pisses him off and he doesn't like it. He says he is the most relaxed with me. But he can't be with me 24/7 I do have a job. Which there is 11 1/2 years difference between us so I am immature compared to him. I'm not saying I am immature because I am not. I am smarter than most people my age.
I had lunch with him today, suppose to go skating but we don't have enough time because I start work in an hour. I am scared that he is going to snap at me, I've never done well when people yell at me maybe because my mother never yelled at me. He's never yelled at me, which is a good thing.
I had lunch with him today, suppose to go skating but we don't have enough time because I start work in an hour. I am scared that he is going to snap at me, I've never done well when people yell at me maybe because my mother never yelled at me. He's never yelled at me, which is a good thing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
I tend to say "I love you" alot as well, maybe hoping for a return I love you? I'm not sure why I do that. We do change when we start working on ourselves - we realize all the things we have been putting up with and we become stronger, more independent people.
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