Sad update
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Sad update
It appears my husband's addiction is winning. Since he broke his arm and had surgery in December, I believe he has been using and detoxing non stop. He still continued meetings, has a sponsor, a therapist, etc. etc.
He is currently detoxing yet again but is talking and acting very like a beaten man. Sounds like he given up. For the first time since June, he didn't go today to his Sunday meeting that he really likes. He told me last night - he was done with NA and it appears he spoke the truth. He also told me that he really only tried for me because he didn't want to lose me or our marriage.
I guess he is not done. Maybe he never will be. As sad as it, I have "almost" accepted it. Last week, he talked about going back on Suboxone and was frustrated because I wouldn't give an opinion about it. I told him it was his choice, his life, and maybe he should talk to his therapist or sponsor about it. (I am almost sorry I didn't support the idea...I just don't know anymore).
I leave next Sunday for my trip. I have been warned to be prepared for my Father's appearance and condition. I spoke to him yesterday and it was heart breaking because he could barely talk. Sadly, the cancer is winning now. I am staying focused on saying goodbye to my father and spending time with my Godchild and her daughter. I will not allow myself to get sidetracked. I will address what I need to do when I get back.
Today, I feel nothing but compassion for my husband and all our addicted love ones. I am not sorry or regretting the choices I made the last 8 months. I still had hope and I prayed he would embrace recovery. I think I would have regretted not trying and not being supportive. At times, it was still a roller coaster (as you all read) but there was still so much for me to learn. I am also thankful for the times I was able to spend with the man I remembered and fell in love with again.
Heartbreakingly, it appears addiction, his disease has won too. It has taken the soul of a once honest, loving, witty, beautiful man. I can only pray when he goes on his own and takes it to the limit, he eventually falls to his knees and surrenders to God for himself this time. Realistically, I know I need to prepare myself for what happens to an untreated addict. The ends are always the same!
In my heart, I believe he tried to the best of his ability and just couldn't beat it.
May God comfort us all and give us strength, wisdom and courage.
He is currently detoxing yet again but is talking and acting very like a beaten man. Sounds like he given up. For the first time since June, he didn't go today to his Sunday meeting that he really likes. He told me last night - he was done with NA and it appears he spoke the truth. He also told me that he really only tried for me because he didn't want to lose me or our marriage.
I guess he is not done. Maybe he never will be. As sad as it, I have "almost" accepted it. Last week, he talked about going back on Suboxone and was frustrated because I wouldn't give an opinion about it. I told him it was his choice, his life, and maybe he should talk to his therapist or sponsor about it. (I am almost sorry I didn't support the idea...I just don't know anymore).
I leave next Sunday for my trip. I have been warned to be prepared for my Father's appearance and condition. I spoke to him yesterday and it was heart breaking because he could barely talk. Sadly, the cancer is winning now. I am staying focused on saying goodbye to my father and spending time with my Godchild and her daughter. I will not allow myself to get sidetracked. I will address what I need to do when I get back.
Today, I feel nothing but compassion for my husband and all our addicted love ones. I am not sorry or regretting the choices I made the last 8 months. I still had hope and I prayed he would embrace recovery. I think I would have regretted not trying and not being supportive. At times, it was still a roller coaster (as you all read) but there was still so much for me to learn. I am also thankful for the times I was able to spend with the man I remembered and fell in love with again.
Heartbreakingly, it appears addiction, his disease has won too. It has taken the soul of a once honest, loving, witty, beautiful man. I can only pray when he goes on his own and takes it to the limit, he eventually falls to his knees and surrenders to God for himself this time. Realistically, I know I need to prepare myself for what happens to an untreated addict. The ends are always the same!
In my heart, I believe he tried to the best of his ability and just couldn't beat it.
May God comfort us all and give us strength, wisdom and courage.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by ady gil 
Oh LMN, I'm so sorry you are hurting 
- I knew I had logged in this morning for a reason. Sending you positive thoughts, strength, and courage.
~ady
- I knew I had logged in this morning for a reason. Sending you positive thoughts, strength, and courage.~ady
Thank you for your kind words, as always.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
"Ego collapse at depth" is what I understand Bill W. described as the necessary experience prior to embracing recovery thoroughly, which is, as I understand, something beyond just attending meetings, having a sponsor and a counselor. It is an unexplainable but profoundly transforming psychic death and rebirth experience. Dr. Jung believed that without that experience, the addict would always return to active addiction, and as we know, addiction takes many forms in our modern world.
It is an utterly solitary experience the addict must endure, LMN, and your acceptance that you are powerless to encourage it, maneuver it, persuade it, or coerce it into occurring is the essence of the First Step: we admit our powerlessness. So many of us never really do that in our hearts. We think "if I make this choice or do that action I will influence whether the addict gets clean and sober." So many stay in relationships with active addicts because they think that by staying and supporting, they will somehow overwhelm the addict's overwhelming compulsion to use or to drink. They are, in this thinking, sadly and to their personal detriment, delusional. Concern and love and presence is not the answer, and that has been proven by decades and centuries of people failing to cure their loved one's compulsion to use "even against his will." (AA Big Book). It is not wrong to stay, if that is one's deepest wish. But to stay because one thinks she or he can control the outcome of the addict's life....is irrational and even grandiose.
I always find it helpful to re-read the AA Big Book, chapters 2 and 3 especially, to remind myself that the addict's relationship with alcohol and drugs is completely beyond my understanding or my persuasion. www.aabigbookonline.org
I am sad for you, that you face such a hard time of letting go, including the letting go of your father as he prepares his return to the spirit realm, for we cling to our loved ones while we are here on this earth, reluctant to surrender them to the inevitable cycle of life and death and, in my belief, rebirth on some level. Not only do our loved ones experience birth and death and rebirth (psychologically or physically), but also our ways of life are born and die as well, and that, I find, is something we try to force into remaining the same. It is very hard to surrender to the river's flow.
May your trip to see your father bring you moments of insight and peace, and may your husband's life be what it is meant to be, with meaning and purpose beyond understanding, as his destiny unfolds in its intended way and time.
One day lived at a time, LMN, as your destiny also is revealed.
It is an utterly solitary experience the addict must endure, LMN, and your acceptance that you are powerless to encourage it, maneuver it, persuade it, or coerce it into occurring is the essence of the First Step: we admit our powerlessness. So many of us never really do that in our hearts. We think "if I make this choice or do that action I will influence whether the addict gets clean and sober." So many stay in relationships with active addicts because they think that by staying and supporting, they will somehow overwhelm the addict's overwhelming compulsion to use or to drink. They are, in this thinking, sadly and to their personal detriment, delusional. Concern and love and presence is not the answer, and that has been proven by decades and centuries of people failing to cure their loved one's compulsion to use "even against his will." (AA Big Book). It is not wrong to stay, if that is one's deepest wish. But to stay because one thinks she or he can control the outcome of the addict's life....is irrational and even grandiose.
I always find it helpful to re-read the AA Big Book, chapters 2 and 3 especially, to remind myself that the addict's relationship with alcohol and drugs is completely beyond my understanding or my persuasion. www.aabigbookonline.org
I am sad for you, that you face such a hard time of letting go, including the letting go of your father as he prepares his return to the spirit realm, for we cling to our loved ones while we are here on this earth, reluctant to surrender them to the inevitable cycle of life and death and, in my belief, rebirth on some level. Not only do our loved ones experience birth and death and rebirth (psychologically or physically), but also our ways of life are born and die as well, and that, I find, is something we try to force into remaining the same. It is very hard to surrender to the river's flow.
May your trip to see your father bring you moments of insight and peace, and may your husband's life be what it is meant to be, with meaning and purpose beyond understanding, as his destiny unfolds in its intended way and time.
One day lived at a time, LMN, as your destiny also is revealed.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I don't think most addicts "want" to use, they just don't know how to accept life on life's terms without using. My son used to say that if he could lose an arm or leg and know he would never want to use again, he would gladly give up the limb.
It's not the body the drugs steal, it's the soul. And it's just sad. Sad for them, for us, for family and all who love them.
I'm sorry, LMN, that he hasn't been able to stay clean. I know you have grown in your own recovery and are in a better place today than you were when you arrived...whatever the future brings, you WILL be okay, I promise.
My prayers go out for your husband and for your father. I am glad you can take this bittersweet time to see your father and embrace the journey.
Please know we are here for you, praying for you and your family and offering our support when you need a hug from those who understand.
Hugs
It's not the body the drugs steal, it's the soul. And it's just sad. Sad for them, for us, for family and all who love them.
I'm sorry, LMN, that he hasn't been able to stay clean. I know you have grown in your own recovery and are in a better place today than you were when you arrived...whatever the future brings, you WILL be okay, I promise.
My prayers go out for your husband and for your father. I am glad you can take this bittersweet time to see your father and embrace the journey.
Please know we are here for you, praying for you and your family and offering our support when you need a hug from those who understand.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you Ann so much!
Your words brought up the emotions I have been trying to repress all day. So I went back and re-read today's Language of Letting Go and allowed myself a good cry to help me heal.
"It's okay to cry when we need to cry and feel the sadness many of us have stored within for so long. We can feel and release these feelings.
Grief is a cleansing process. It's an acceptance process. It moves us from our past, into today, and into a better future - a future free of sabotaging behaviors, a future that holds more options than our past.
God, as I move through this day, let me be open to my feelings Today, help me know that I don't have to either force or repress the healing available to me in recovery. Help me trust that if I am open and available, the healing will happen naturally, in a manageable way."
I know I am on my way to becoming healthier person.
Your words brought up the emotions I have been trying to repress all day. So I went back and re-read today's Language of Letting Go and allowed myself a good cry to help me heal.
"It's okay to cry when we need to cry and feel the sadness many of us have stored within for so long. We can feel and release these feelings.
Grief is a cleansing process. It's an acceptance process. It moves us from our past, into today, and into a better future - a future free of sabotaging behaviors, a future that holds more options than our past.
God, as I move through this day, let me be open to my feelings Today, help me know that I don't have to either force or repress the healing available to me in recovery. Help me trust that if I am open and available, the healing will happen naturally, in a manageable way."
I know I am on my way to becoming healthier person.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Grief is a cleansing process. It's an acceptance process. It moves us from our past, into today, and into a better future - a future free of sabotaging behaviors, a future that holds more options than our past.
LMN, this is going to hurt, you will have good days and bad, but knowing that and surrounding yourself with support will help you get through it all.
We're here for you every day and we'll hold you hand through the scary parts, you can count on that.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
oh Ann, one minute you have my crying, the next laughing (about how I reminded you of "you" back when - which BTW gives me hope) and now back to tears with this post.
In 10 days, I am going to say good bye to my Dad, a man I have many conflicted emotions about - but love very much, then come home and say goodbye to my husband, the man a vowed to spend my life with. A man I loved very much, who was brought about many conflicted emotions too.
Should be an interesting time, lol!!
In 10 days, I am going to say good bye to my Dad, a man I have many conflicted emotions about - but love very much, then come home and say goodbye to my husband, the man a vowed to spend my life with. A man I loved very much, who was brought about many conflicted emotions too.
Should be an interesting time, lol!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 183
Really sorry to hear about your fathers condition. It is going to be a very emotional trip for you, but in the end I know it will bring you comfort being able to spend time with him.
I hope with your husband, your able to let go and accept his choices. I can hear in the post how you have lost hope in his recovery because he has turned away from NA. But really that is because you are assuming NA is what he needs. Why? Maybe it isn’t right for him. It’s just a program of self-help and peer support. There are many options available for people who want to recover from addiction. My boyfriend finished his exploration into available treatments and decided on Addiction Therapy. I don’t know if it will work, but if it doesn’t then I hope he tries something else.
If your husband is detoxing, then he hasn’t “given up”. He just needs to man up and figure out what he needs for himself and pursue that. He shouldn’t be picking a treatment for you, or anyone else. He shouldn’t let anyone influence him. This is HIS life you know.
If I had to guess, this is what will happen with your husband. His sponsor and friends from NA will start calling and making him feel like its hopeless without NA, he’s a failure for quitting, and then he will be filled with guilt and shame, and he will go back again. Probably before you even leave for your trip. Sadly, most likely his heart still wont be in it, and he wont be getting the treatment HE needs.
I hope with your husband, your able to let go and accept his choices. I can hear in the post how you have lost hope in his recovery because he has turned away from NA. But really that is because you are assuming NA is what he needs. Why? Maybe it isn’t right for him. It’s just a program of self-help and peer support. There are many options available for people who want to recover from addiction. My boyfriend finished his exploration into available treatments and decided on Addiction Therapy. I don’t know if it will work, but if it doesn’t then I hope he tries something else.
If your husband is detoxing, then he hasn’t “given up”. He just needs to man up and figure out what he needs for himself and pursue that. He shouldn’t be picking a treatment for you, or anyone else. He shouldn’t let anyone influence him. This is HIS life you know.
If I had to guess, this is what will happen with your husband. His sponsor and friends from NA will start calling and making him feel like its hopeless without NA, he’s a failure for quitting, and then he will be filled with guilt and shame, and he will go back again. Probably before you even leave for your trip. Sadly, most likely his heart still wont be in it, and he wont be getting the treatment HE needs.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Aw LMN....I am so sorry that you are at this time in life with your dad. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers in the times ahead.
I'm also really sorry to hear about your husband and my heart goes out to both of you. It's all just so tragic. I hate it when I see people in recovery having to go through surgery because I know that it's a slippery slope. I also know that it is possible to do though so I have to really watch myself with that.
My ex never worked a program for himself and that ended up leading him right back to where he is now. It's sad when they do "it" for us because it never never never works in the long run.
You've worked really hard on yourself and will continue to reap the benefits in the days and weeks ahead no matter what happens. We are here for you....lots of love and prayers.
I'm also really sorry to hear about your husband and my heart goes out to both of you. It's all just so tragic. I hate it when I see people in recovery having to go through surgery because I know that it's a slippery slope. I also know that it is possible to do though so I have to really watch myself with that.
My ex never worked a program for himself and that ended up leading him right back to where he is now. It's sad when they do "it" for us because it never never never works in the long run.
You've worked really hard on yourself and will continue to reap the benefits in the days and weeks ahead no matter what happens. We are here for you....lots of love and prayers.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by dasiydoc
If I had to guess, this is what will happen with your husband. His sponsor and friends from NA will start calling and making him feel like its hopeless without NA, he’s a failure for quitting, and then he will be filled with guilt and shame, and he will go back again. Probably before you even leave for your trip. Sadly, most likely his heart still wont be in it, and he wont be getting the treatment HE needs.
Lastly, I would never dare to go on someone's else thread and be arrogant enough to make a guess about some one elses program and/or recovery.
I am going to do me, you and the mods a favor and put YOU on ignore. Please feel free to do the same. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by dasiydoc
If I had to guess, this is what will happen with your husband. His sponsor and friends from NA will start calling and making him feel like its hopeless without NA, he’s a failure for quitting, and then he will be filled with guilt and shame, and he will go back again. Probably before you even leave for your trip. Sadly, most likely his heart still wont be in it, and he wont be getting the treatment HE needs.
What color is your crystal ball DaisyDoc? This is NOT an example of Experience....Strength.....or Hope.....
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((LMN)))))
Sending healing thoughts and prayers for you and your family and your father. I am so
sorry that you have to make this trip for the reasons stated. HP is going with you!!!!!
As to your AH, well ......................... you already know, 'he will get it when he is
ready and not one minute sooner.' He may have further to go yet to reach his bottom,
it is more important that you came here and outlined how you are dealing with this
information!!!!! Good for you..
Just remember, we are walking with you in spirit and we will be with you through all of the coming days and weeks!.
Love and hugs,
Sending healing thoughts and prayers for you and your family and your father. I am so
sorry that you have to make this trip for the reasons stated. HP is going with you!!!!!
As to your AH, well ......................... you already know, 'he will get it when he is
ready and not one minute sooner.' He may have further to go yet to reach his bottom,
it is more important that you came here and outlined how you are dealing with this
information!!!!! Good for you..
Just remember, we are walking with you in spirit and we will be with you through all of the coming days and weeks!.
Love and hugs,
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by crazybabie
(((((LMN)))), I am sorry for the sad and painful things that your going through, I will continue praying for you.
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