Tired of everyone elses happy relationships.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Tired of everyone elses happy relationships.
So I'm at a "girls night" newly single. And everyone is talking about their happy happy joy joy relationships. It just makes me want to cry. I can't even enjoy myself :-( i know they aren't but it just feels like everyone is trying to rub in how happy they are.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I know the feeling. From their perspective, though, it feels good to share happiness when you are feeling it. Nobody is intending to make you feel bad--and I'm sure you realize that.
You will be happy again, too. It just takes time.
Hugs,
You will be happy again, too. It just takes time.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
I get it.
I used to always try to find the answer to why other people were happy but not me. What do they have that I don't? But I've figured out that you can spend all the time in the world trying to find that "answer" but you will never find it. For me, celebrating what I do have, has been the way to go.
I used to always try to find the answer to why other people were happy but not me. What do they have that I don't? But I've figured out that you can spend all the time in the world trying to find that "answer" but you will never find it. For me, celebrating what I do have, has been the way to go.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Austin
Posts: 31
I'm right there with you bamboo.
I was invited to dinner on Thursday with some friends and, lo and behold, it was all couples. I've never felt so single and lonely in my life. It feels like everybody around me has a somebody special, and well... to be honest, it makes me want to yell and holler and scream at them. But that won't do me any good. All I can do is concentrate on what makes ME happy... it's not selfish, as in a self-centered egotistical manner, but selfish in the way that will help me realize what I'm worth and can therefore place myself above this situation.
Chin up. Things will eventually get better.
-jb
I was invited to dinner on Thursday with some friends and, lo and behold, it was all couples. I've never felt so single and lonely in my life. It feels like everybody around me has a somebody special, and well... to be honest, it makes me want to yell and holler and scream at them. But that won't do me any good. All I can do is concentrate on what makes ME happy... it's not selfish, as in a self-centered egotistical manner, but selfish in the way that will help me realize what I'm worth and can therefore place myself above this situation.
Chin up. Things will eventually get better.
-jb
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Some of the best advice I ever received is: "compare yourself to yourself". Look how far you've come and know you have the power to create a wonderful life for yourself. Perhaps it's not a good idea to hang out with people in happy relationships right now............
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Thanks everyone. Warning: major vent about to happen lol
I guess in just frustrated with the people around me. The girls I was with (I only knew one of them) were all 27 or 28. I just turned 25 ad I know I am still young and 25 is nothing-but for some reason this birthday really bothered me. I feel like by now I should have my **** figured out. I am always going to care about xabf but I honestly am over wanting to be with him.
We still talk but I don't have any bad feelings there anymore. I only want to be friends. I guess I'm just frustrated with people giving me a hard time about still caring about him, and about me being bummed by my birthday. Don't disregard my feelings just because you don't agree with them. I would never do that to someone. One of the girls has a bf that worships the ground she walks on-yet she has been feeling insecure about the relationship. When she talks to me I don't say "that is so stupid why do you think that." I validate her for feeling the way she feels and talk to her about ways to get past what she is feeling. Why put someone down for their feelings?
I mentioned one thing about the ex and one of the girls goes "when you stop looking you will find someone" first of all I'm not looking to get into a relationship-and 2 she met her bf online dating. That's not exactly not looking. I don't know-I just felt very judged by the other girls the barely knew me. I just don't think disregarding what someone else is feeling is ever right.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" -Plato
One of my favorite quotes.
I guess in just frustrated with the people around me. The girls I was with (I only knew one of them) were all 27 or 28. I just turned 25 ad I know I am still young and 25 is nothing-but for some reason this birthday really bothered me. I feel like by now I should have my **** figured out. I am always going to care about xabf but I honestly am over wanting to be with him.
We still talk but I don't have any bad feelings there anymore. I only want to be friends. I guess I'm just frustrated with people giving me a hard time about still caring about him, and about me being bummed by my birthday. Don't disregard my feelings just because you don't agree with them. I would never do that to someone. One of the girls has a bf that worships the ground she walks on-yet she has been feeling insecure about the relationship. When she talks to me I don't say "that is so stupid why do you think that." I validate her for feeling the way she feels and talk to her about ways to get past what she is feeling. Why put someone down for their feelings?
I mentioned one thing about the ex and one of the girls goes "when you stop looking you will find someone" first of all I'm not looking to get into a relationship-and 2 she met her bf online dating. That's not exactly not looking. I don't know-I just felt very judged by the other girls the barely knew me. I just don't think disregarding what someone else is feeling is ever right.
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle" -Plato
One of my favorite quotes.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 156
Bamboo10 😸
I have to laugh when you said you're 25 and thought you should have it figured out...well, I'm 41 and still trying to figure it out. Funny thing is is I thought I had myself together...then I feel I love with an addict...oh boy...more life lessons!
I use to feel like you when I see happy relationships...but now I feel empowered by seeing it...I know I can be happy too 😄. I love to see my friends happy in their relationships...it gives me hope. All I have is hope!
I have to laugh when you said you're 25 and thought you should have it figured out...well, I'm 41 and still trying to figure it out. Funny thing is is I thought I had myself together...then I feel I love with an addict...oh boy...more life lessons!
I use to feel like you when I see happy relationships...but now I feel empowered by seeing it...I know I can be happy too 😄. I love to see my friends happy in their relationships...it gives me hope. All I have is hope!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Bamboo10, this is a hard time and I am sorry that you have to go through it. It's funny, but now, at 62, I remember different stages of my life when different groups of people would just kind of "pop up" into my consciousness.
When I was single, it was couples. When I was married and couldn't get pregnant for a while, it was pregnant women. They were everywhere. Then when I had my own babies, it was women with babies. It had more to do with my own preoccupation than that the world was populated by pregnant women only!
What you're going through may have more to do with your feelings about yourself. This time can be very productive, if not always very happy.
Here's what I mean, for me. I left my alcoholic, porn addicted abusive husband of 20 years on July 4th after an even more outrageous abusive incident that usual. So I am 62, alone, and sorting out what happened that I chose this man and what happened that I stayed so very very long. He was ill, and I thought a good wife took care of their husband "for better and for worse".
But I am seeing that there was much much more to it. There were reasons - abuse in my family of origin (FOO) - that led me to choose men who had major dysfunctions. As did I, although I couldn't see it about myself then. How they looked and how I saw just fit together, like the shoreline and the sea.
If I had had the gift of time in my 20's after a first dysfunctional relationship to really sort out why that kind of man drew me, I might have been able to make much better happier choices later in my life.
You sound like a very caring, compassionate woman, a kind and responsive friend. You deserve someone who mirrors that, who can genuinely give you that kind of love.
If you don't mind my suggesting it, you are comparing yourself to other women who are in relationships and finding yourself wanting. You are concerned that you are not meeting an external arbitrary deadline for when you should have your stuff together, when you have a man in your life.
These feelings and goals are not coming from deep knowledge of yourself, and what you need and want for YOU, how you want to shape your own life so that it will be happy and healthy. They are comparisons with other people onto whom you are projecting timetables and judging them as meeting them and you as not.
Some introspection now on who you are, what you want, what your genuine strengths and likes and dislikes are, who you want to be - - all that will help you grow into the happiest most fulfilled person you can be.
Maybe think of this as a gift, a close escape from a potentially very unhappy relationship, and a time-out to really figure out what a healthy relationships FOR YOU will be.
Whatever you do, come back as often as you want. I know for me, as I sort through how I got myself into such a terrible mess, this forum has been unbelievable in giving me constructive - maybe sometimes a little blunt - but helpful feedback.
ShootingStar1
When I was single, it was couples. When I was married and couldn't get pregnant for a while, it was pregnant women. They were everywhere. Then when I had my own babies, it was women with babies. It had more to do with my own preoccupation than that the world was populated by pregnant women only!
What you're going through may have more to do with your feelings about yourself. This time can be very productive, if not always very happy.
Here's what I mean, for me. I left my alcoholic, porn addicted abusive husband of 20 years on July 4th after an even more outrageous abusive incident that usual. So I am 62, alone, and sorting out what happened that I chose this man and what happened that I stayed so very very long. He was ill, and I thought a good wife took care of their husband "for better and for worse".
But I am seeing that there was much much more to it. There were reasons - abuse in my family of origin (FOO) - that led me to choose men who had major dysfunctions. As did I, although I couldn't see it about myself then. How they looked and how I saw just fit together, like the shoreline and the sea.
If I had had the gift of time in my 20's after a first dysfunctional relationship to really sort out why that kind of man drew me, I might have been able to make much better happier choices later in my life.
You sound like a very caring, compassionate woman, a kind and responsive friend. You deserve someone who mirrors that, who can genuinely give you that kind of love.
If you don't mind my suggesting it, you are comparing yourself to other women who are in relationships and finding yourself wanting. You are concerned that you are not meeting an external arbitrary deadline for when you should have your stuff together, when you have a man in your life.
These feelings and goals are not coming from deep knowledge of yourself, and what you need and want for YOU, how you want to shape your own life so that it will be happy and healthy. They are comparisons with other people onto whom you are projecting timetables and judging them as meeting them and you as not.
Some introspection now on who you are, what you want, what your genuine strengths and likes and dislikes are, who you want to be - - all that will help you grow into the happiest most fulfilled person you can be.
Maybe think of this as a gift, a close escape from a potentially very unhappy relationship, and a time-out to really figure out what a healthy relationships FOR YOU will be.
Whatever you do, come back as often as you want. I know for me, as I sort through how I got myself into such a terrible mess, this forum has been unbelievable in giving me constructive - maybe sometimes a little blunt - but helpful feedback.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I know it is silly-i dont think it's so much feeling like i should have it all figured out, more that i feel like I should be able to fully support myself and live on my own ya know?
It's not you.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
I am so happy you started this thread because I have been feeling exactly like this lately, too. I think I am ULTRA sensitive this week because of all the annoying valentines things around, coupled with a somewhat recent break up, and the ex already finding a new relationship (which was also found online- how convenient this world we live in is now). Every time I have to walk through a store with Valentines day sh*t around I am cursing it to myself haha I know this is NOT the high road but I just cannot stand it right now.
I try to remind myself that the relationship I was previously in was unhealthy, as we both influenced each other to drink far to often and too much. I still have frustrations about the way it ended, so I asked myself: What was the lesson? What was it that I was supposed to learn from that experience? I have some of the answers, and it helps me to move forward in a more positive way.
As for other people's "happy" relationships, I do believe that there are good ones out there...however...things are not always as they seem. People do try to make each other jealous and to play a part of the perfect little life. Life is full of ups and downs and I don't know how long of a relationship you have ever been in, but once the novelty wears off its not always as dandy and requires a lot of "real" communication skills and what not.
This is going to sound really cliche, but always true: The most important relationship you're ever going to have is the one you have with yourself. Focus on improving yourself as best as you can each day- exercising, reading, learning, spiritually. The better & strong you make yourself, the more and better options you will have in the future. There is someone reallyyy amazing waiting for you in your future, as long as you are prepared to meet them for what they're worth, too. Thats what I keep telling myself anyways
I try to remind myself that the relationship I was previously in was unhealthy, as we both influenced each other to drink far to often and too much. I still have frustrations about the way it ended, so I asked myself: What was the lesson? What was it that I was supposed to learn from that experience? I have some of the answers, and it helps me to move forward in a more positive way.
As for other people's "happy" relationships, I do believe that there are good ones out there...however...things are not always as they seem. People do try to make each other jealous and to play a part of the perfect little life. Life is full of ups and downs and I don't know how long of a relationship you have ever been in, but once the novelty wears off its not always as dandy and requires a lot of "real" communication skills and what not.
This is going to sound really cliche, but always true: The most important relationship you're ever going to have is the one you have with yourself. Focus on improving yourself as best as you can each day- exercising, reading, learning, spiritually. The better & strong you make yourself, the more and better options you will have in the future. There is someone reallyyy amazing waiting for you in your future, as long as you are prepared to meet them for what they're worth, too. Thats what I keep telling myself anyways
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I just wanted to add that the likelihood is that those girls are nowhere near as happy as they appear. No one wants to show the bad bits of their relationships in public, I know I don't. So I tell people I've been with my ABF 8 years and they think how wonderful you've found someone you can be stable with, I don't say I have no idea why or how I've stayed so long with such abuse they have no idea of! All I'm saying is you never really know the truth of someone's situation, just like they didn't realize the truth of yours when they were making what I'm sure they thought were useful or helpful or kind comments. So try not to compare yourself to the brief outline you had of their lives, you are on your own journey.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Thanks Shootstar! Great advice that I will return to often!
Part of it I think is that since I was 12 I have been career motivated all the way. I have known what I wanted to do and I think thats why 25 bothers me so much....Im supposed to be a HUGE success by now! lol...ok not a huge success but I should have that job. It's a classic case of not wanting to deal with what life hands us-which just so happens to be this god awful economy. I got my "dream job" a year ago this past september and hated it. I hated the coworkers, and the area. Loved the job itself but everyone I worked with ruined it, and i had moved for it so i was all alone in a new place that was so stuck up and so not me. Anyway, I ended up getting laid off. Right after I moved back home I met XABF. Falling in love distracted me from the crappy job market, and made working a boring " barely pay the bills" job bearable. I think "having someone to take care of" once I found out about the alcoholism also helped to be a huge distraction. So now, I want to move on-I have always been so career minded that being at this job is killing me. But there isnt exactly much else out there, especially in my field. I am working on starting my own business, but the fear in that is debilitating. So who knows. Right now i am trying to figure out all those things that "make me happy" and just having some difficulty.
In terms of guys-if I "wanted" to be in a relationship, I certainly could be. Not trying to sound full of myself (I hope nobody takes it that way-I am so not like that at all) but I have had several guys ask me out since I ended things. However, I dont want to be in a relationship just so I am not alone. Like shooting star said, I want to figure out what I want/need in my own life and in a relationship.
Part of it I think is that since I was 12 I have been career motivated all the way. I have known what I wanted to do and I think thats why 25 bothers me so much....Im supposed to be a HUGE success by now! lol...ok not a huge success but I should have that job. It's a classic case of not wanting to deal with what life hands us-which just so happens to be this god awful economy. I got my "dream job" a year ago this past september and hated it. I hated the coworkers, and the area. Loved the job itself but everyone I worked with ruined it, and i had moved for it so i was all alone in a new place that was so stuck up and so not me. Anyway, I ended up getting laid off. Right after I moved back home I met XABF. Falling in love distracted me from the crappy job market, and made working a boring " barely pay the bills" job bearable. I think "having someone to take care of" once I found out about the alcoholism also helped to be a huge distraction. So now, I want to move on-I have always been so career minded that being at this job is killing me. But there isnt exactly much else out there, especially in my field. I am working on starting my own business, but the fear in that is debilitating. So who knows. Right now i am trying to figure out all those things that "make me happy" and just having some difficulty.
In terms of guys-if I "wanted" to be in a relationship, I certainly could be. Not trying to sound full of myself (I hope nobody takes it that way-I am so not like that at all) but I have had several guys ask me out since I ended things. However, I dont want to be in a relationship just so I am not alone. Like shooting star said, I want to figure out what I want/need in my own life and in a relationship.
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However, I dont want to be in a relationship just so I am not alone. Like shooting star said, I want to figure out what I want/need in my own life and in a relationship.
Yes, the job market sucks right now, and actually might just be the 'best time' for you to start your own company. I didn't get my degree (finally) until I was 43 years old, and then I started my own business (yes I had been working in the field so was very familiar with what was needed) almost as soon as I got that degree and passed the licensing test to become a practicing RN in my state. Now because many of the Drs in town already knew from the 'clients' I would bring in from the agency I had worked for, as first a CNA (certified nursing assistant), then and LPN (licensed practical nurse) and finally an RN. I started by dropping off a printed sheet of what 'my company' was capable of and the goals for the company. By the end of the 1st day of dropping off my flyer and my business cards, I had 4 referrals from some of those Doctors, and the referrals never stopped,
Did it take hard hard work, yep Long hours, long weeks, long years. Did I have to change some of my 'hard and fast rules' that I had developed for 'my company' when I first envisioned this goal? SURE DID, rofl The first few years were definitely a 'learning experience'.
You can do this! You can do anything you set your mind too! Push the fear to the back of your mind, and yep it will crop up periodically, but push it back and keep moving forward. I looked at the 'crappy' job that I had at the agency as just a step in the right direction to reach my goals. They did give me work, some of their WORST clients, and gave me the hours no one else wanted (which were great for me actually because of my classes) but when I became and LPN about 9 months into my schooling, they still treated me like a CNA and did not give me more work or different work, nor a pay raise, BUT I have to say, that job allowed me to get 'my foot in the door' with many Doctors in this town, which really became the basis of where the clients for my company originally came from. Later 'word of mouth' helped also.
So write up your goals and 'your plan' for you company. Check around and see if there are any "Small Business Advisers" in your area (your bank might have a lead or two), these folks are usually "Sole Proprietorship" themselves. Pick their brains, and keep moving forward. Does not matter what kind of business you plan on starting, there are steps you need to take, before you ever start advertising, cold calling, and putting your new business out there!!!!
You can do this! I know you can.
PM if you like, more than happy to help another who is wanting to start their own business!
Love and hugs,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Thanks Laurie, I know I will be ok-Im just beginning to realize who I actualy want in my life vs not. Unfortunatly-there are a lot of people I am ready to do without.
I will let you know if I have any questions on the busines front-my market is crazy saturated so we shall see.
I will let you know if I have any questions on the busines front-my market is crazy saturated so we shall see.
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