My husband called me a coward
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 32
My husband called me a coward
I asked my husband to move out of the house after discovering hes been hiding drinking from me. Now that he has moved out he has started to send me mean texts "people believe you turned your back on me for casting me out" "simply put your are a coward. you wish to cleanse yourself rather than help someone who needs you now more than ever"
Please send me words of encouragement. i really need it. the guilt is already bad
Please send me words of encouragement. i really need it. the guilt is already bad
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I haven't posted for a while, and so many people here will have wiser words for you, but all I can say is, he is simply on the attack out of his own fear and desperation. Because he is drinking, you cannot put any stock whatsoever in what he says. He doesn't need you-- he needs to help himself. My AH does this all the time. When he's half-heartedly thinking about stopping drinking, he puts it ALL on everyone else except himself. He tells me "you have to help me. I can do it if you help me." (Not true--nothing I do will help him if he doesn't want it for himself). He's even written to his doctor: "Doctor, if you help me, I'll help myself." What?? So it's the doctor's responsibility to get him sober now?
Simply turn it off. Stick your fingers in your ears. He's scared. He's desperate, and he'll say anything.
Simply turn it off. Stick your fingers in your ears. He's scared. He's desperate, and he'll say anything.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
He is trying to keep you hooked with fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) with a side of manipulation. Can't blame him, it works on so many of us UNTIL we learn to stop it. 
You didn't cause it, you can't control, and you can't sure. IMO, we sure can contribute to it.
Take a break from him today and focus on you and what you want your life to feel and look like.
You didn't cause it, you can't control, and you can't sure. IMO, we sure can contribute to it.
Take a break from him today and focus on you and what you want your life to feel and look like.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Hope you have some time to read the stickies at the top of the forum.
Not only will you find alot of true testimonials, you will see that your hubby is doing exactly what addicts do. He is manipulating you, he is trying to make his problem YOUR problem. Active alkies just have a way of twisting the truth, leaving us to second guess ourselves. Be strong, his words are meaningless, pay attention to his actions.
please continue to post, we are with you and we understand.
peace.
Not only will you find alot of true testimonials, you will see that your hubby is doing exactly what addicts do. He is manipulating you, he is trying to make his problem YOUR problem. Active alkies just have a way of twisting the truth, leaving us to second guess ourselves. Be strong, his words are meaningless, pay attention to his actions.
please continue to post, we are with you and we understand.
peace.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I struggled with this one when in the throes of it. I wanted to give in, to make it better and to make the pain go away for the other person.
Then I had to realize....He was not able to do it (get sober) with me for however long we were together...what were the chances this time would be different?
He might not see it but you might be giving him (and more importantly you) the chance you need to get better.
I also have found this saying helpful in my own life. "What somebody else thinks of me is none of my business." That has helped a lot in situations like this
Then I had to realize....He was not able to do it (get sober) with me for however long we were together...what were the chances this time would be different?
He might not see it but you might be giving him (and more importantly you) the chance you need to get better.
I also have found this saying helpful in my own life. "What somebody else thinks of me is none of my business." That has helped a lot in situations like this
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
My ah did the same tjing last night. Called me a coward ..why? I dunno he was drunk and made no sense.
Im sure he couldnt tell me today why he said it amongst the other things he said.
Im not going to lie it hit me. I did cry. It was u necessary but your ah and my ah and others
While drunk or using are not in the right mindframe nor can they make that appropriate judgement
Since it is them who hide behind alcohol and refuse help.
Im sure he couldnt tell me today why he said it amongst the other things he said.
Im not going to lie it hit me. I did cry. It was u necessary but your ah and my ah and others
While drunk or using are not in the right mindframe nor can they make that appropriate judgement
Since it is them who hide behind alcohol and refuse help.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 32
Thanks you guys. Yeah the coward comment was a low blow. He knows I'm trying to stay strong and he hit me where it hurt most.
I talked to my brother who knows the history and its helped clear my mind. My brother assured me that I am doing what I need to do.
My husband's words don't matter. His actions do. I have to remind myself that. Hes not ready to face everything and I need to accept that.
I'm so glad I have this forum and you guys but am starting to realize I do need an Al-Anon friend. I haven't been brave enough to go to a meeting yet. I know I need to.
Thanks for the replies.
I talked to my brother who knows the history and its helped clear my mind. My brother assured me that I am doing what I need to do.
My husband's words don't matter. His actions do. I have to remind myself that. Hes not ready to face everything and I need to accept that.
I'm so glad I have this forum and you guys but am starting to realize I do need an Al-Anon friend. I haven't been brave enough to go to a meeting yet. I know I need to.
Thanks for the replies.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Alcoholics always go for the underbelly.
If your AH called me a coward, I would just laugh at him.
But when he calls you a coward, it hits you "where it hurt most." He knew just what to say to completely deflate you. When he deflates you, he inflates himself. It is a classic addict tactic and you do not have to sit on that seesaw.
An Al-Anon friend sounds like a great idea.
If your AH called me a coward, I would just laugh at him.
But when he calls you a coward, it hits you "where it hurt most." He knew just what to say to completely deflate you. When he deflates you, he inflates himself. It is a classic addict tactic and you do not have to sit on that seesaw.
An Al-Anon friend sounds like a great idea.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
Alcoholics always go for the underbelly.
If your AH called me a coward, I would just laugh at him.
But when he calls you a coward, it hits you "where it hurt most." He knew just what to say to completely deflate you. When he deflates you, he inflates himself. It is a classic addict tactic and you do not have to sit on that seesaw.
An Al-Anon friend sounds like a great idea.
If your AH called me a coward, I would just laugh at him.
But when he calls you a coward, it hits you "where it hurt most." He knew just what to say to completely deflate you. When he deflates you, he inflates himself. It is a classic addict tactic and you do not have to sit on that seesaw.
An Al-Anon friend sounds like a great idea.
I needed that too! You put it in better perspective
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 32
I've decided not to respond. I don't know what to say and I feel like it won't help him. He can only help himself. I'm trying my best to navigate through this and do the right thing but its so hard to know what to do. I still care about him and he knows it.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
IMO "A's" are cowards inside, they can't handle the responsiblities of life without a drink or a drug. Cowards hide, strong, responsible people stand up and be counted.
You are not a coward, don't let his stupid talk bring you down.
You are not a coward, don't let his stupid talk bring you down.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear banannapancakes, talking to someone who is actively drinking is a colossal waste of time. Saying nothing in this kind of verbal battle is usually the best option--at least it doesn't make matters even worse.
The best response to "I have no friends" might be: "Walk into an AA meeting and you will find a room full of the best friends you will ever have". Even this is best said in a quiet SOBER moment.
Don't let his QUACKING get to you. Hard, I know.
sincerely, dandylion
The best response to "I have no friends" might be: "Walk into an AA meeting and you will find a room full of the best friends you will ever have". Even this is best said in a quiet SOBER moment.
Don't let his QUACKING get to you. Hard, I know.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Bananapancakes, I left my AH on July 4th and file for divorce. Since then he has gone through a rollercoaster of approaches to me that go from attacks and threats to cajoling me back and saying he loves me to saying I'll never survive without him.
What works best for me is as absolutely little contact as possible. I couldn't believe that when people told me in July, but it is true. If it weren't useful in the divorce to have kept track of his e-mails against me, I would be total no contact.
Everytime I do have contact with him, I either am tempted to fall under his spell again, upset because I've been attacked and demeaned, or angry because I've been threatened. But none of this rollercoaster has ever led to behavior on my AH's part that shows any real comprehension of why I left, or any intent to change anything. He just lost his slave, and now he wants me back because no one new would fill that role for him.
You mention your brother being able to give you some perspective on your AH's behavior. My 29 year old son does that for me. I tell him he has the best "b%llsh#t meter" anywhere; he just gets to the heart of the nonsense my AH, his step-dad is serving up, and it sets me straight. I told him, don't be polite, don't worry about my feelings, just tell me like it is.
Actions matter more than talk. I'd go and stay no contact for a month or more to begin with and see if he makes any real changes in behavior. One thing they say here on SR is "more will be revealed" and that is so true.
Good luck, come back and post often. This forum has been a God-send for me in support, compassion and blunt honesty!
ShootingStar1
What works best for me is as absolutely little contact as possible. I couldn't believe that when people told me in July, but it is true. If it weren't useful in the divorce to have kept track of his e-mails against me, I would be total no contact.
Everytime I do have contact with him, I either am tempted to fall under his spell again, upset because I've been attacked and demeaned, or angry because I've been threatened. But none of this rollercoaster has ever led to behavior on my AH's part that shows any real comprehension of why I left, or any intent to change anything. He just lost his slave, and now he wants me back because no one new would fill that role for him.
You mention your brother being able to give you some perspective on your AH's behavior. My 29 year old son does that for me. I tell him he has the best "b%llsh#t meter" anywhere; he just gets to the heart of the nonsense my AH, his step-dad is serving up, and it sets me straight. I told him, don't be polite, don't worry about my feelings, just tell me like it is.
Actions matter more than talk. I'd go and stay no contact for a month or more to begin with and see if he makes any real changes in behavior. One thing they say here on SR is "more will be revealed" and that is so true.
Good luck, come back and post often. This forum has been a God-send for me in support, compassion and blunt honesty!
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Banana .... you absolutely did the right thing. I suggest trying to trust your own judgement over what comes out of a drunk's mouth. Active alcoholics will go to any lengths to get their enabler back, otherwise the drunk may have problems boozing. So this time it's manipulation. Next time begging? Or, I'll quit drinking. Sure..........call me after you have year sober!
I suggest not reading any emails and if you can block them, that's great.
Don't let him life rent-free in your head.
I suggest not reading any emails and if you can block them, that's great.
Don't let him life rent-free in your head.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
"coward", "lazy", "selfish", "unsupportive", "sociopath", "psychopath", "liar", "gold-digger", etc, etc are some of the printable delights that my exAH has slung at me.
he also says things that amount to "everyone knows what you have done, and are on my side and are sick of you treating people like XXXX".
I once challenged him to tell me which people I was treating poorly, and he was flummoxed and came back with: "well, me really". I now have as little contact with him as possible, because although I am well able to deconstruct his words, consider the source etc, repeated exposure to that sort of abuse (yes, it is) worms into your soul and has to be dealt with. If we didn't have kids I would change my number and never have any contact with him again.
this is well-honed manipulation, which seems counterintuitive, because he is not emotionally sophiticated, BUT these are patterns that he has learned over many years, and he defaults to what he has learned works, which is tearing people down so that they cannot think straight, hitting them where it hurts so that they stay away from his issues. I have been witness to him laying into his mother verbally in a loaded barrage of hateful accusations that reduced her to a sobbing wreck questioning her worth as a mother and a person for weeks, just to deflect away from the fact that he had overlooked a minor responsibility. In his mind - a success!
For my AH there are a number of patterns he exhibits: 1) he accuses me of feelings and motivations that he is having because he cannot understand on an emotional level that other people operate internally in a different way to him, 2) he ascribes his feelings, beliefs and motivations to other people.
so "you are a coward" translates to "I am a coward" or at best "If I did this it would be because I am a coward".
when he refers to "people" it means him, or merely what he imagines others might think.
cutting contact down to a bare minimum helped me enormously, as did realising that I didn't have to answer a phone or a door or a text if i didn't feel like it for any reason, and I didn't need to defend that reason either.
he also says things that amount to "everyone knows what you have done, and are on my side and are sick of you treating people like XXXX".
I once challenged him to tell me which people I was treating poorly, and he was flummoxed and came back with: "well, me really". I now have as little contact with him as possible, because although I am well able to deconstruct his words, consider the source etc, repeated exposure to that sort of abuse (yes, it is) worms into your soul and has to be dealt with. If we didn't have kids I would change my number and never have any contact with him again.
this is well-honed manipulation, which seems counterintuitive, because he is not emotionally sophiticated, BUT these are patterns that he has learned over many years, and he defaults to what he has learned works, which is tearing people down so that they cannot think straight, hitting them where it hurts so that they stay away from his issues. I have been witness to him laying into his mother verbally in a loaded barrage of hateful accusations that reduced her to a sobbing wreck questioning her worth as a mother and a person for weeks, just to deflect away from the fact that he had overlooked a minor responsibility. In his mind - a success!
For my AH there are a number of patterns he exhibits: 1) he accuses me of feelings and motivations that he is having because he cannot understand on an emotional level that other people operate internally in a different way to him, 2) he ascribes his feelings, beliefs and motivations to other people.
so "you are a coward" translates to "I am a coward" or at best "If I did this it would be because I am a coward".
when he refers to "people" it means him, or merely what he imagines others might think.
cutting contact down to a bare minimum helped me enormously, as did realising that I didn't have to answer a phone or a door or a text if i didn't feel like it for any reason, and I didn't need to defend that reason either.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
