vegibean

Today my son and I are going to the Garlic Festival and I can't wait to eat!! He is right now is finishing playing catch up on some school work to get his grades up. The deal is he can't go until he's done. He worked hard last night and got up early this morning and got working on it. Proud of him.

For that I went in and made his bed and tidied up his room so he wouldn't have to do it.

For the most part things have been good, work was really pleasant this week and my boss is giving me his presentation for the Adolescent Conference he's doing next week, to fix on Monday for him. I love doing projects and presentations. Weeeeee!!!

Anyway, "THE BAD", and one of the reasons why I haven't even posted a sobriety date is that I have still picked up in the last four weeks and it's been after the two sessions with my therapist. Not that night, but the next day. All of the emotions I have going on as a result of talking to her makes me feel like I'm going to explode from the inside out and by Tuesday I feel like I've stuffed tons of tears and bottled in all this crap that I just can't stand it. With that being said, I'm making it two weeks, and then have gotten a bottle of wine. Not exactly stellar, but at the same time better than before I came back here.

Maybe a little long than intended...

Next session we're going to talk about my mom who I stupidly called while drinking over the holidays and now her expectations are that we continue to keep talking. I haven't really had a relationship since I got sober six years ago and when I would talk to her, I just wanted to get slammed drunk and quite frankly, she's not worth it so I just don't talk to her.

Well she emailed me this week saying she wanted to talk to my son and I this weekend by Skype and I told her that my son would love to talk to her and he's great at Skype but that I was going to sit it out as I am going back to therapy and I still have issues with our relationship. PS - I DID NOT TELL HER I WAS DRINKING when I called her over the holidays, I don't want to hurt her feelings intentionally. Anyway, she started with her BS again (I know you all don't know the whole story) but it all goes back to the blame game against my sister and I who were young children, she was the adult and she made choices, and then she blames EVERYONE for her past... OWNS NOTHING...

"Your father, Ash (step dad), you and your sister, my dad, my mother... X husband Jerry..." everything is everyone fault. I just can't listen to her any more. When we lived with our dad, she lived in an efficiency and she hung out with her friends all weekend getting stoned and drinking, never took us anywhere, she's mad because we wanted to live with our dad. Do you all see why?

I wish I could really give you all every detail, but I'd be writing forever and I know no one wants to read through all of it, but I am doing the best I can, and I know I can do better but I also don't want to kick myself because for the most part I'm staying sober, I'm not drinking on the weekends either, just that night after the therapist and vomiting all the crap in my head.

Okay, story over.

I hope you all are having a great start to the weekend. For those that are struggling, please hang in there, it does get better. I'll talk to you all later *HUGS* and

Sazzle

(((Hugs))) Vegibean

You have a lot to deal with in terms of resentments etc. It sounds like you have a wonderful Son & I hope you both enjoy the garlic festival today. A treat well deserved in my opinion too!

S x

Anna

I know it's hard dealing with the emotions that come up in recovery, Vegi. Have you told your therapist how you feel after the sessions with her? It sounds like a good idea to step back from your mother for awhile. There's no need for you to feel rushed or pushed into a relationship with her that you're not ready for.

vegibean

Sazzle, thank you.

Anna, no, I hadn't because until after the second one it really didn't dawn on me. I do know that a lot of that has to do with that fact that I am raw from bringing those things up, but all the more reason why I'm going to see her. I will let her know when I go back to the next one. I know I can come here too, but it is the writing Anna. It is not so much that I don't want to share with you all, but it's just A LOT which is why I'm going to see her.

Step by step I'm at least chiseling away at all this "stuff".

And I agree, I'm not talking to mom, and I wish she didn't bring up stuff again, I don't mind her and my son talking, they enjoy each other, but at the same time I feel like doing so now is giving into her, not only that but I'm also putting myself out to make sure THEY get to talk and lastly, I'm tired of rewarding her by ultimately forgiving her so she can keep doing what she's doing. It's mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Cleopatra1

awe vegi,,you rock gal,,keeping sober thru tough times is way way cool,,,keep it up.
always here if u need me hun xx
lv cleo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

RobbyRobot

Sorry you're having a tough re-start with your sobriety, vegibean. Unresolved family matters are a lousy thing to drink over, as you already know, of course. We all know no reason is good enough to drink over. The idea that sometimes we have felt justified to drink over whatever really just shows how far we will sink into ourselves to get some relief from whatever misery, even if only a charade of sorts. The struggles inherent within addiction ambivalence is absolutely an ugly place to be, and yet, there is nothing for it but to get thru it without drinking. You can get thru your struggles with out drinking.

I know I had to let go of my family in ways I initially understood I would never be required to do, but in the end, I was wrong about my past relationship with them. A new relationship(s) was required to be created, one created with responsibility and ownership being the currency between me and them.

I gave up being ruled by my resentments of past failures from both sides, and thereafter did my best to live and let live, even when doing so clearly gave them an advantage to throw mud at me for my past offences when they wouldn't let go of whatever.

As the years have gone on, I really don't talk much of anything with my two brothers for the last few years now. No big fights, just we simply don't meet up anywhere together. Its like an understanding we have a truce that is not worth breaking just to argue. It is what it is between us. They both still use alcohol. They believe in controlled and moderated drinking. E'nuff said there...

My sister and her husband and I get along well enough, no big deal. My sister quit drinking several years ago now, and use to be in the moderation camp for many years. She attempted to quit back in the early '80's just after me, but she didn't stay with it. I get along with my parents, although we have much different outlooks and expectations of what describes a quality life.

My daughter age 23 is and always has been a non-drinker. We get along very well. She attends private school presently. She'll be an awesomely successful graphic and free lance artist as she continues with her chosen career path.

My experience is I too would seek drinking as a relief over family matters, and it was on me to not do so after I quit, which meant me changing for me and not waiting for my family to change or even catch up with me.

Things have worked out well for me with my family, when I consider the alternatives.

I hope you too can put all this family pain behind you. Even though the counselling is painful, I believe counselling is essential for those who believe in counselling. I strongly believe in counselling, fwiw.

Vegibean, I believe you'll make your way thru all this eventually with a splendid, awesome, fully happy never-ending sobriety!!

Coldfusion

Veg, I understand so well how you feel about your mother

But, honestly, I don't know why you drink. Over the past three months, I have certainly thought about drinking but I haven't picked up. Maybe my "bottom" was lower than where you had been (I went to the ER, then a week of detox).

Do you talk with your therapist about your addiction?

vegibean

Robby, thank you, and to both you and Cold, I get it, believe me. I am NO WHERE as bad as I was six years ago which is why I am saying "I'm not going to kick myself", even compared to over a month ago where I was drinking at least 4-5 days a week.

Yes, I did tell my therapist, one of the reasons why I took the two weeks to find HER was because I wanted a female, who had a few years experience and who specializes in addiction, so I chose her based on the fact that I am an alcoholic as well as someone to help me deal with all I've been letting build up on the inside.

I do appreciate what you guys are saying, I had almost five years, f'd up by picking up and I'm getting myself together.

Things don't bother me if I don't talk about them but it was years of me just shoving stuff down (which is how I got to where I did years ago) to what leaded me to doing the whole "**** it" and decided I was going to drink again. I realize that it is unhealthy for me and I'm doing what I can to help myself.

I don't have to tell you all, and I don't have to come here and share and be honest, however I'm doing it BECAUSE I want to be accountable and TALK about it.

Thanks.

RobbyRobot

Awesome!

Being open and accountable is a good way to live!

Pondlady

I think many of us understand drinking to numb ourselves from "stuff". You are obviously mindful of your situation and are seeking help. I think it's good you're going to tell your therapist about drinking after your sessions.....maybe the therapy needs to focus on the intense stuff in measured steps, so you don't feel overwhelmed.

Keep posting here....and enjoy the festival with your son

vegibean

Pond, I've only seen her twice and I wish the sessions were longer. I know what you're saying, and I think the best way to describe it is it's just like reopening a wound that's healed, just makes it painful all over again and not just mentally, but even physically, like it's throughout my entire body. :/

Thank you Robby, I am still proud of myself no matter what, I could be doing a lot worse, and I'm sure you can imagine, there are often many times throughout the week I still think about going and getting a drink and I don't pick up, but I also don't come here and tell you all every time I do because I don't have to, I know I did good by NOT doing picking up.

Oh, and Pond, we ate like little pigs, the best thing there was the Garlic Crab Cakes, I can taste nothing but garlic on my breath. Mmmm... GARLIC!!!!

Pondlady

Oh, now I'm craving garlic crab cakes

ClearLight

Hey Veggie
Always like your posts. Sounds like you're working through some crapola and really trying hard.
Believe it or not that's real inspiring to me.
I used to always drink after my therapy sessions. But I think it was just my way of rebelling. Don't ask me against what -

vegibean

Thanks ClearLight.

I relate to the rebelling, that was what I did a lot of in the past, drank at everything that made me angry.

The build up I feel by the next day is unexplainable, it's just totally overwhelming. I do have faith that it is going to be something that I'm going to get past as well, I'm just walking the walk, and some of it isn't easy.

I am proud that I'm doing great otherwise. TY!!