spiraling out of control - am i in the wrong here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 13
spiraling out of control - am i in the wrong here
WARNING: strong opinions ahead.
say what you will... i just get more out of these forums than i do from going to 12-step meetings.
anyway, so. i've posted here before about my situation. i'm living at home with A mom because i'm unemployed and penniless. desperately seeking employment...at least enough to move out. i know that step 1 in my recovery is getting the hell out of here. excuse my language.
anyway, A mom's drinking and drugging (vicodin) has gotten much worse and she's become progressively nastier. she threatened to kick me out. i have nowhere to go, so i promptly got on the phone and checked out our local women's shelter etc. anyway, she told me that the reason she decided to kick me out is because "her friends told her i was abusive." well, i have no idea how they got this idea. i guess because i don't enable her bs and i avoid dealing with her besides doing my chores and driving her around when necessary (she lost her license).
so i decide to confront one of these friends who told her to kick me out with the truth, or my version of it. which is that i am battling progressively worse chronic addiction here. i didnt ask for anything, just expressed that i was hurt that she would say those things. lo and behold, this woman shows up at my mom's house, no phone call, and proceeds to stage an "intervention." she went through all the rooms of the house searching for booze (found some empty bottles). then she sat me down on the couch and made me say nice things about my mom. i was honest and said i'm not feeling particularly charitable about this manipulative person who keeps threatening to kick me out to justify her own drinking etc. my mom said she had no nice things to say about me, but eventually came up with, "kind to animals." (i take care of her dog because she is freaking passed out all the time). anyway... this woman who led the "intervention" then made us sign a contract agreeing to do certain things at certain times. in my mind, it was ridiculous, because the whole schedule revolves around me having to drive my mom to things. all she has to do is show up. but you know, i said i would support her trying to get sober, so i signed. she refuses to go to AA because she doesnt believe that alcoholism is a disease and thinks the steps are hooey. i told her i think the steps are important because they deal with how the disease affects the rest of us. however, because she is in the throes of the selfish disease and has never actually worked the steps, she DOES NOT GET THIS AT ALL.
so she agreed to go to a 90-day chemical dependency program. the program doesnt focus on the same things AA does at all. in fact, it is more like a pain management group. i'm really frustrated with this because i think the reason she likes it is because it allows her to get away with not actually having to work on SOBRIETY and instead she gets to take the "easy" route. yes, i am aware that this is FULL OF JUDGMENT... but she has done this before.
anyway, another part of our "agreement" is that i wrote down that i would go to al-anon friday nights at 7pm. i never would have agreed to that but this woman strongarmed me into writing it. anyway, friday rolls around and i'm out and about all day but in my pajamas and winding down by 5. i honestly forgot about al anon. i glanced at the "schedule"/contract and saw it and ignored. i mean, really, that is my business.
well, she came downstairs all blurry looking and asked me why i was back so early around 8:30 pm. nevermind that she saw me get in my jammies at 5. so i'm pretty sure she's hopped up on the vicodin prescription she picked up today (thanks HMO!). i told her al-anon has nothing to do with her and it's none of her business if i go. she went on and on about how she was going to kick me out for violating the contract. um... it really has nothing to do with you. so i told her she can't hold me hostage like that. she said, "well, why do i have to go to my meetings then?" i said, "you dont! it's entirely up to you! my commitment is to drive you!" ...
to me, this shows that i have worked this program before...and SHE HAS NOT. but this is some bull.
i'm more worried that she is going to call these outside friends again who tell her how awful i am and then i get kicked out for real.
there's just no winning. anyway...
i still don't want to go to those meetings. seriously. i just want to get out ASAP. but not without a penny to live on.
thanks for letting me rant, and
say what you will... i just get more out of these forums than i do from going to 12-step meetings.
anyway, so. i've posted here before about my situation. i'm living at home with A mom because i'm unemployed and penniless. desperately seeking employment...at least enough to move out. i know that step 1 in my recovery is getting the hell out of here. excuse my language.
anyway, A mom's drinking and drugging (vicodin) has gotten much worse and she's become progressively nastier. she threatened to kick me out. i have nowhere to go, so i promptly got on the phone and checked out our local women's shelter etc. anyway, she told me that the reason she decided to kick me out is because "her friends told her i was abusive." well, i have no idea how they got this idea. i guess because i don't enable her bs and i avoid dealing with her besides doing my chores and driving her around when necessary (she lost her license).
so i decide to confront one of these friends who told her to kick me out with the truth, or my version of it. which is that i am battling progressively worse chronic addiction here. i didnt ask for anything, just expressed that i was hurt that she would say those things. lo and behold, this woman shows up at my mom's house, no phone call, and proceeds to stage an "intervention." she went through all the rooms of the house searching for booze (found some empty bottles). then she sat me down on the couch and made me say nice things about my mom. i was honest and said i'm not feeling particularly charitable about this manipulative person who keeps threatening to kick me out to justify her own drinking etc. my mom said she had no nice things to say about me, but eventually came up with, "kind to animals." (i take care of her dog because she is freaking passed out all the time). anyway... this woman who led the "intervention" then made us sign a contract agreeing to do certain things at certain times. in my mind, it was ridiculous, because the whole schedule revolves around me having to drive my mom to things. all she has to do is show up. but you know, i said i would support her trying to get sober, so i signed. she refuses to go to AA because she doesnt believe that alcoholism is a disease and thinks the steps are hooey. i told her i think the steps are important because they deal with how the disease affects the rest of us. however, because she is in the throes of the selfish disease and has never actually worked the steps, she DOES NOT GET THIS AT ALL.
so she agreed to go to a 90-day chemical dependency program. the program doesnt focus on the same things AA does at all. in fact, it is more like a pain management group. i'm really frustrated with this because i think the reason she likes it is because it allows her to get away with not actually having to work on SOBRIETY and instead she gets to take the "easy" route. yes, i am aware that this is FULL OF JUDGMENT... but she has done this before.
anyway, another part of our "agreement" is that i wrote down that i would go to al-anon friday nights at 7pm. i never would have agreed to that but this woman strongarmed me into writing it. anyway, friday rolls around and i'm out and about all day but in my pajamas and winding down by 5. i honestly forgot about al anon. i glanced at the "schedule"/contract and saw it and ignored. i mean, really, that is my business.
well, she came downstairs all blurry looking and asked me why i was back so early around 8:30 pm. nevermind that she saw me get in my jammies at 5. so i'm pretty sure she's hopped up on the vicodin prescription she picked up today (thanks HMO!). i told her al-anon has nothing to do with her and it's none of her business if i go. she went on and on about how she was going to kick me out for violating the contract. um... it really has nothing to do with you. so i told her she can't hold me hostage like that. she said, "well, why do i have to go to my meetings then?" i said, "you dont! it's entirely up to you! my commitment is to drive you!" ...
to me, this shows that i have worked this program before...and SHE HAS NOT. but this is some bull.
i'm more worried that she is going to call these outside friends again who tell her how awful i am and then i get kicked out for real.
there's just no winning. anyway...
i still don't want to go to those meetings. seriously. i just want to get out ASAP. but not without a penny to live on.
thanks for letting me rant, and
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, I'd say that you are both fighting recovery, her from addiction, you from codependency, if that is the case, there are no winners, you both lose.
You are toxic to each other, and, you are probably right, time for you to move out.
I would take some time to read cynical one's blogs, can be accessed at the top of this page, may be of help to you.
My mother is the "A" in my life, it was her or me..I chose me...I chose to get myself healthy, what she does is up to her.
You are toxic to each other, and, you are probably right, time for you to move out.
I would take some time to read cynical one's blogs, can be accessed at the top of this page, may be of help to you.
My mother is the "A" in my life, it was her or me..I chose me...I chose to get myself healthy, what she does is up to her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Soon to be upstate New York
Posts: 48
I'm sorry that you are going through this, and that you are stuck in this situation with so few options. It sounds like you need to figure out a way to move out of your mom's house ASAP. I know finding a job is easier said than done. Can you work as a server, or do house cleaning...something, anything to earn enough to rent a room somewhere away from your mother?
The only other solution that I can come up with is to revise the contract with your mom. Instead of making it focused on recovery, maybe it needs to be a "business only" contract. She essentially rents space in her house to you in exchange for certain duties (driving her places, running errands, cooking, cleaning, or whatever is agreeable to you both). Then there needs to be an agreement to leave each other alone in every other respect. It sounds like it could be a mutually beneficial arrangement since she isn't able to drive herself places. That's the best alternative that I can come up with if you have no place else to go. Once you have a business only contract in place, then you need to work on keeping emotion out of it, even if she becomes emotional. Just stay calm, and stick to your agreement. Good luck to you....sounds like a tough situation.
The only other solution that I can come up with is to revise the contract with your mom. Instead of making it focused on recovery, maybe it needs to be a "business only" contract. She essentially rents space in her house to you in exchange for certain duties (driving her places, running errands, cooking, cleaning, or whatever is agreeable to you both). Then there needs to be an agreement to leave each other alone in every other respect. It sounds like it could be a mutually beneficial arrangement since she isn't able to drive herself places. That's the best alternative that I can come up with if you have no place else to go. Once you have a business only contract in place, then you need to work on keeping emotion out of it, even if she becomes emotional. Just stay calm, and stick to your agreement. Good luck to you....sounds like a tough situation.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
Intrepid has a point make it a 'business only' type of situation. How is she going to drive around, get groceries, other business, etc...
Leave out any mention of alcohol (that is a loosing battle and is alienating her friends).
Also like how she suggests take the emotion out of it. Literallly remain as neutral as possible. Is there a bedroom you have - make it your sanctuary where you avoid her.
Little contact is possible even when living with an alcoholic.
Meanwhile when avoiding all this drama are you doing positive things for you:
Eating right, exercising, keeping out of the unhealthy drama, working on resume or work skills (even knowing the computer is a plus for any work now),
Work your plan for yourself (many listed on this forum - Smart Tools online for our recovery). Or just post a lot as you work on this step to distance yourself. You need help to work through this. And become stronger.
You ultimate goal is to move out.
This economy is tough. Maybe have a friend to move in with. Go to a junior college to get some training.
List you assets - own the car? great, if not is there public transportation easily available.
Be working on you and getting out of there and remaining as neutral as possible.
Leave out any mention of alcohol (that is a loosing battle and is alienating her friends).
Also like how she suggests take the emotion out of it. Literallly remain as neutral as possible. Is there a bedroom you have - make it your sanctuary where you avoid her.
Little contact is possible even when living with an alcoholic.
Meanwhile when avoiding all this drama are you doing positive things for you:
Eating right, exercising, keeping out of the unhealthy drama, working on resume or work skills (even knowing the computer is a plus for any work now),
Work your plan for yourself (many listed on this forum - Smart Tools online for our recovery). Or just post a lot as you work on this step to distance yourself. You need help to work through this. And become stronger.
You ultimate goal is to move out.
This economy is tough. Maybe have a friend to move in with. Go to a junior college to get some training.
List you assets - own the car? great, if not is there public transportation easily available.
Be working on you and getting out of there and remaining as neutral as possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NY, NY
Posts: 13
thanks for your tips everyone. i am thinking of enrolling in JC to learn spanish. tbf, i have a law degree and am a licensed attorney in two states. i dont think that makes me entitled to a job, but i am a smart person and should be able to get work. unfortunately, the economy.
anyway, things are not getting better. i feel like i am living with someone with the emotional maturity of a little kid. she screams and slams doors and etc. over very minor things. just to vent, some bills needed to be paid today. she has been basically passed out for 5 days (i havent seen her leave her room except to use the bathroom). i assume she is using some substance in there. trying to avoid. i have known the bill was due and brought it up, but i havent been able to get her alert. today she came down and ate breakfast and i mentioned it but she went right back to bed, presumably for the rest of the day. so when i heard her go to the bathroom, i hollered up to remind her about the bill. she said in a few hours. i said, nope, now. you are up now, please come do this. anyway, she got mad that i didnt give her enough notice. how could i, she was passed out for 5 days? she just kept screaming and slamming doors about this. i think she's just being defensive and childish. i remained calm and paid the bill. she went back to bed.
the thing is, i want to laugh at this behavior because it is so ridiculous, but it kind of ruined my day. i am in a foul mood now.
still applying for jobs. still trying to get out. im going to take her dog for a walk now to clear my head.
anyway, things are not getting better. i feel like i am living with someone with the emotional maturity of a little kid. she screams and slams doors and etc. over very minor things. just to vent, some bills needed to be paid today. she has been basically passed out for 5 days (i havent seen her leave her room except to use the bathroom). i assume she is using some substance in there. trying to avoid. i have known the bill was due and brought it up, but i havent been able to get her alert. today she came down and ate breakfast and i mentioned it but she went right back to bed, presumably for the rest of the day. so when i heard her go to the bathroom, i hollered up to remind her about the bill. she said in a few hours. i said, nope, now. you are up now, please come do this. anyway, she got mad that i didnt give her enough notice. how could i, she was passed out for 5 days? she just kept screaming and slamming doors about this. i think she's just being defensive and childish. i remained calm and paid the bill. she went back to bed.
the thing is, i want to laugh at this behavior because it is so ridiculous, but it kind of ruined my day. i am in a foul mood now.
still applying for jobs. still trying to get out. im going to take her dog for a walk now to clear my head.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You might consider volunteering at a some type of a "help"center. Many need legal advice and cannot afford to pay for it, I use to volunteer at the Boys & Girls club, you would be amazed at the number of contacts I made....could lead to a job for you. In todays economy we need to think outside of the box.
Good Luck!
Good Luck!
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