Cortez

I have been sober for 30 days to the day. I feel like I have lost all my friends. I know everybody says they weren't real friends they are your drinking buddies. I honestly have been around alcohol so long i dont know where to find non-drinking friends. I also still work in the bar business. Any suggestions?

Dee74

Hi Cortez

I think it takes a little while to build a new life.

I made new friends by getting involved in hobbies and interests I had, I did a lot of volunteering, and I reconnected with old friends that I'd drifted away from because of my drinking.

Many cities have sober meet up groups and of course there's a lot of recovery groups like AA and the like where you can meet sober people

D

Natom

Suggestion....get out of the bar business. For an alcoholic being in the bar business is like getting into a fight with Jackie Chan and expecting to win. Obviously me saying get out of the bar business is easier said than done. I don't know what the situation is with jobs where you live. But if you value your sobriety I would at least start looking for other jobs.

On the subject of friends. You lose a lot of them. Good riddance to the majority of them. If any of them stick around they are the real ones. I have found it much harder to make friends in recovery but what I have realised is that the small amount of friends I do have are the best ones I have ever had.

Natom.

Xune

You may very well have lost those friends. ( Is it fair to call them friends?)

You now have the choice to make new friends or wallow in self pity about having lost those who apparently couldn't have been bothered to stand by you.

If I had a life threatening allergy to peanuts, I can tell you that I wouldn't work in a peanut factory.

Why would the bar business be any different?

scottydee1946

Did you give up friends, or just drinking buddies?

Anna

It does take time to built up a new sober life. Dee's suggestions are great. I found that keeping an open mind was important in early recovery. I made a point to stop and talk to people during my day, that I would have previously passed by because I wasn't looking for friends.

ivegotsunshine

This may sound funny but my sister likes to do different things and often has a hard time finding people to join her. She purchases groupons for activities. This month she has done bikram yoga, archery, fencing and acupuncture! Its a nice way for her to get out and try to meet people who are like minded.
Its a lonely road at first and there are people who will not stick around. I truly believe in life we are touched by everyone we meet and they all serve some purpose, we learn something from everyone. Some people are only supposed to stay for a short time, a moment or a lifetime. You are evolving. Trust that this is only a phase. Best wishes

wiscsober

There are people inside and outside of the program that have your same concerns. You are not alone. I don't like the term "real friends." In our lives there are families, acquaintances, and friends. There are many strangers who might become involved in the circle.

In recovery I didn't immediately make friends -- the majority were strangers who became acquaintances, and then a select few (I chose them - they chose me) became friends.

Addiction is a disease characterized by isolation and loneliness. In recovery our social realm expands.

Find like-minded individuals through recovery, your work, your hobbies, your interests. give it time.

Thanks for the post. Keep up the good work.

wiscsober

If you suggest that he gets out of his line of work, why don't you offer him a job, job counseling, or some solid advice.

MadameX

I know the moneys great, i use to be a part time bartender. BUT you cant be an alcoholic and work around liquor. You just cant. Its time to explore new careers.

whiskeyman

My favorite saying

Its funny how someone who was just a stranger last year can mean so much to you know. Its terrible that someone who meant so much a year ago can be such a stranger now. Its amazing what a year can do.

my best friend in the world is still out there drinking and i had to let her go. It ripped my heart out. but when i get sad about her my phone starts ringinig with all my AA friends calling.

Lost3000

Yeah, you did lose them all. But I wouldn't call them friends. I went thru the same thing. I was so lonely. But I was also very lonely when I drank (even with them at the bar!).

I hated everyone's suggestions for sobering up with AA, but then it dawned on me, maybe I could make some friends! That's honestly why I went to AA. Silly, huh? But I did make friends, lots of them, and I did enjoy the program. I'm still in it, and still sober, about 14 months later. I also never talked to my old drinking friends again. Just one person out of a whole group has stayed in touch with me, the rest never once asked me how I was doing.

Anyway, I have a friend in AA who works at a bar. I think it was very tough for him. I would suggest getting out too. BUT, it can be done, as my friend has years of sobriety.

shoreladylu

Let's not beat up on Cortez, it's only his first post.

Try your local community college. Our's offers continuing education classes. These are short courses or even one day classes where you learn a certain skill. You don't need any special degrees to take the courses. This past summer I took an intro Spanish course that was 8 classes (met twice a week). It kept me occupied and I was learning something too.
The colleges also offer cooking demonstrations, day trips, and plays. Good luck.

endlesspatience

I had to pop into a busy pub tonight just for work reasons to speak to someone. I didn't like it one bit and I was only standing near the door for about two minutes. Being behind a bar in a place like that would have driven me really crazy. I know from drinking days it closes at two am. Not somewhere safe for me at all.

Sasha4

Its early days at the moment.

Who knows in time, you might feel strong enough to hang out with them and still not drink.
You might hang out with them in time and feel mindlessly bored that their lives revolve around drinking.
I know for me being around heavy drinkers just reaffirms my choice to stop was the best choice.
I have no patience with the drama and tediousness of heavy drinkers.

It's too early to be thinking that the way you feel now is how it will be forever more.

Loneliness is probably not good either.
But maybe getting closer to others in recovery or spending time with family might help.

I wish you the best.