Lily1918

Its coming on Sunday. Im so nervous. Im not sure if he will be there. not sure if I want him to be. has anyone gone to the SA ARC? The counsellor said they will review visit procedures and expectations. Im filled with anxiety.

dollydo

You don't have to go, if you are wanting to break it off with him, now might be the time.

Do what you are most comfortable with.

Kindeyes

Lily
I haven't heard word one from the SA-ARC about any family day here. Did they contact you or did he tell you about it? Perhaps they don't have family day on the same day all over the country and it's up to the individual location. So haven't been to one. I've been to the ARC once to drop off a Christmas gift.....it looked like a great place.

I've been to family times at other rehabs. They were very good. In fact I began my own recovery at my son's first in patient rehab....their family program was really good.

But if your anxiety is because you are trying to cut things off......as dollydo said, you don't have to do anything you don't want to. Can you identify why you are feeling such anxiety?

gentle hugs
ke

Lily1918

I am afraid of the future. I am afraid of the horror stories I read and hear about the revolving door. I am afraid of termfinal uniqueness. I am afraid of history repeating itself. I am afraid of statistics. I am afraid of the thought that maybe he doesn't want me there after all...

Kindeyes

Breathe, Lily. All of those things are out of your control....each and every one of them.

This is the time to employ those skills of "letting go" and "living in today" and not "future tripping" and "having the courage to change" etc.

The only thing that is somewhat within your control is the part about history repeating itself. If you do things differently (however you choose to do that), something will be different. That is quite certain. Things change when we change......our attitudes and reactions. Those are the things that are within your control.

gentle hugs
ke

dollydo

Here are a few things I know about fear:

The mental part of fear is that we are attempting to project into the future.

Fear is counterproductive to our overall well-being.

Fear keeps us stuck.

And....

One way to overcome our fears is to stay grounded in the present. Your
worrying is not going to change the outcome of any situation...nada, nothing.

My best

Lily1918

ok [sigh] what can I still do. thank you for helping me. I can still keep my distance. I have chosen to go because I don't want to miss the sign up and regret it 4 months from now. I can see with my own eyes. I can remember what his hooks are and be vigilant not to dismiss them. I can remember that he will do and say everything right while he is in there. I can control me and try to bannish those pink clouds... they always are followed by thunderstorms. I can choose not to go in the future if this one leaves me feeling burned.

Lily1918

very true. The only thing I can compare it to was when I was pregnant for the first time and all of the women around me telling me all about all of thier complications and then me freaking out at the doctors office about everything that could go wrong and being terrified of the unknown. probably sounds foolish. I appreciate not being stuck in the "everything is going to be fine" mindframe. but wow. its a lot to take in. ok. focus on today. today, everything is much better than it was. Thank you

Justfor1

I once went to a visiting day where a person could only attend if they went to "visitors orientation". Basically, it was how the addiction to the person is dangerous & unhealthy just like the addict. I simply didn't want to attend this hour lecture but was forced to in order to visit my family member.

Lily1918

oh... ok that sounds about right. an introduction to codependency. I remember that when he was at his 30 rehab in September. I know there will be Al anon leaders there and brochures with meeting times for Nar- anon . makes sense. Why send a codie into a place full of thier DOC without offering a recovery program first.

Ilovemysonjj

Lily, go if your heart is in it, no other reason.
Abolish your fears for "what may happen".
Remember, the fight is his, not yours to choose sobriety!
PS: My son is entering rehab from jail on Monday so I completely understand
Hugs,
Teresa

Justfor1

But why force family members to attend?

Lily1918

hmmm... sensitive issue, IMHO, to inform newbies and first timers that the addict isn't the only one with a problem, and that addiction is a family disease. An attempt to bring codependent family members out of denial. No one is forced to attend anything. These are the rehab boundaries. They have a right to them the same way I do for my own home. I respect the SA, therefore obey thier boundaries.

dasiydoc

I got this email the other day... Im going to type it here almost in its entirety. Maybe you can think about this at the start of your day tomorrow on Family Day.... hope it gives you some encouragement.

Revelations 2:7
He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God.

Well Happy Sunday...May God Bless you this day...For this is the day that our Lord has made...This day was made just for you, to meet the needs of your life. The only requirement for you is to "Let Go and Let God" the rest is easy breezy...

We serve a wonderful loving God, and are comforted by God, our Holy Spirit as we go through the trials and tribulations of this beautiful day.

Lily1918

:,)

Lily1918

update: the subject was enabling, and we all were encouraged to go to al anon. The main topic was tioletries. The SA pays the men for thier work in commisary cards. In the store they can buy soda, and snacks, candy etc. Well, the men are required to be clean shaven everyday, and can buy thier razors from the store. well, quite often, they will ask thier loved ones to bring them tioletries, especially razors because they are fairly expensive. The manager asked that although it is not against the rules for us to do so, please please please. don't. The purpose of this part of the program is to teach them budgeting skills, and if we bring them tioletries to "help" them, then we are allowing them to spend all of thier earnings on snacks and soda and cigarettes, therefore sabatoging this part of the program. Im so glad I went. He went through common emotions, and about not henpecking them, and also rules and regulations for visits. He encouraged families to come and take thier loved one to church on Sundays if they already had a home church, and also stated that if the family is athiest, and thy find thier loved one all of a sudden has a new faith, that the faith is the only thing keeping him sober, and please do not ridicule his new beliefs because needs his HP. respect that. overall it was very helpful to my recovery and I am so very grateful to the SA for providing this program for codependents. I will most definitely be returning for future events.

LoveMeNow

Wow, thank you for sharing. Sounds like they have a great program.

Lily1918

they have coda meetings and nar anon and al anon 7 days a week too. and a group of counsellors just for us codies. Im excited. all of these are closed meetings. codies only, and the addicts in the program are not allowed to attend to help promote detachment. They do also have open meetings too, but those are only on Sundays.

Kindeyes

Thank you for sharing your experience. I haven't heard anything about a family program at the SA-ARC my son is in so it was nice to hear about what you experienced.

gentle hugs
ke

Lily1918

KE, I wonder why? that's so strange... maybe different states? that is so wierd