Hitting the 1 month mark and hurting
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Hitting the 1 month mark and hurting
It has been a month since my xagf filed for joint custody and visitation of my kids. After a few false starts I have gone NC. Today, whether it is fatigue or I'm coming down with something, I have been hurting all day. I feel so much loss and pain that she did this to us...me and my kids. I know the relationship was horrible 95% of the time. Even when she cut down on her drinking and was here...something wasn't right...it wasn't enough. I never felt close to her emotionally.
A wonderful MD from work asked me out Mon. It has been a whirlwind 3 days. I feel like that could have something to do with how I feel. She is treating well and I am attracted...but feel guilty. Like I don't deserve this. Like I'm giving up on my A relationship, which she pretty much ended when she filed. My new friend cancelled tonite and in some ways I was glad. I needed that space.
The letting go process is so hard.
A wonderful MD from work asked me out Mon. It has been a whirlwind 3 days. I feel like that could have something to do with how I feel. She is treating well and I am attracted...but feel guilty. Like I don't deserve this. Like I'm giving up on my A relationship, which she pretty much ended when she filed. My new friend cancelled tonite and in some ways I was glad. I needed that space.
The letting go process is so hard.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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OK, you need the space. I hope you don't spend the night wallowing in sadness.
Try setting a timer--give yourself one hour or whatever to wallow, and then when the timer "dings," find something positive in your life to focus on.
Try setting a timer--give yourself one hour or whatever to wallow, and then when the timer "dings," find something positive in your life to focus on.
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I don't know. I feel guilty that I didn't chase after the A one more time, almost like I am paying a penitence by having been in this relationship. I have someone nice to me, complimenting me, and I feel like I don't deserve it or ill get hurt in the end. Yet truly, I don't think anyone could hurt me more than the A- nites with other women while I was pregnant, CPS being falsely called by her BF, my daughter being molested by the same BF's teenager, criminals, alcoholics and addicts filling my life, attacks on everything important to me - my friends, my career, etc.
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Originally Posted by pattyG 
I feel guilty that I didn't chase after the A one more time...
Yet truly, I don't think anyone could hurt me more than the A- nites with other women while I was pregnant, CPS being falsely called by her BF, my daughter being molested by the same BF's teenager, criminals, alcoholics and addicts filling my life, attacks on everything important to me - my friends, my career, etc.
Yet truly, I don't think anyone could hurt me more than the A- nites with other women while I was pregnant, CPS being falsely called by her BF, my daughter being molested by the same BF's teenager, criminals, alcoholics and addicts filling my life, attacks on everything important to me - my friends, my career, etc.
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When you attempt a relationship with a severely broken person this is where you end up. Beat down and beating yourself up over the failure of it. I gather from reading your posts that you are successful in your career and your life with your children. You introduced a disease into your inner circle and that disease is your ex. Sorry if that sounds harsh I don't mean it to - its just a reality.
When you pair yourself with someone who is lacking in morals, and overall judgment you take a grand risk - we surround ourselves with people and either those people bring us up or bring us down. She brought you down to her level(or tried) because she has no desire to live her life any other way. Its illogical isnt' it? A normal person should jump at the chance to better themselves - she ain't normal, she is an alcoholic who sounds like she has compounding personality issues to boot.
The science experiment is now over - take from it a hard lesson learned. Pay attention to red flags. Invest in your relationships the same way you would invest in your businesses.
You sleep with dogs you get fleas (sleep with cats and you get a halo and wings lol).
Patty I have done what you did with your ex so many times its embarrassing. My last relationship was with a wolf in sheeps clothing - a incomparable liar, cheater, porn addict,manipulator, sociopath the list is long. He broke up with me and I spent 9 months crying over him and trying to get him back. Makes me want to vomit now.
You will get over it...trust me.
When you pair yourself with someone who is lacking in morals, and overall judgment you take a grand risk - we surround ourselves with people and either those people bring us up or bring us down. She brought you down to her level(or tried) because she has no desire to live her life any other way. Its illogical isnt' it? A normal person should jump at the chance to better themselves - she ain't normal, she is an alcoholic who sounds like she has compounding personality issues to boot.
The science experiment is now over - take from it a hard lesson learned. Pay attention to red flags. Invest in your relationships the same way you would invest in your businesses.
You sleep with dogs you get fleas (sleep with cats and you get a halo and wings lol).
Patty I have done what you did with your ex so many times its embarrassing. My last relationship was with a wolf in sheeps clothing - a incomparable liar, cheater, porn addict,manipulator, sociopath the list is long. He broke up with me and I spent 9 months crying over him and trying to get him back. Makes me want to vomit now.
You will get over it...trust me.
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Red Atlanta and others...Thank you. I feel so broken right now. The other girl I dated twice and had some chemistry with - sent me a text last night saying she had to stay single at this time...thus ending it. i am not really heartbroken there, it was a nice distraction but also caused alot of guilt...but I am reeling from the rejection from both my ex and her. It hurts. All I can do is cry. I know the answer is to focus on what I KNOW - my kids, my career, my true friends. I am just hurting so badly right now. My chest aches. I know in time it will get better. I know it. God will provide me the strength to get thru all of this. I will be the victor. It is just so hard.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
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Patty,
I have a suggestion--try leaving the relationship stuff alone for a while. You don't have to line someone up to take her place. I know it feels like a nice diversion--heck, going out to dinner with a lovely doctor has to feel like a boost--but you are just now untangling yourself from this octopus of a relationship that has had you all tied up in knots.
Give yourself a breather. You may not be exactly relationship material right now, with all your emotions all over the place. Go slow. In AA many people suggest not making big changes (including new relationships) for about a year. That's because there is so much involved in recovery that relationships are a distraction, plus the emotional entanglements can lead to a relapse.
I think that advice is very good for people in recovery from the effects of living with someone else's drinking, too. We aren't exactly "well" when we first begin the recovery process. It's SOOO tempting to find the "right" person right away. I bounced right off my separation from my alcoholic ex to someone new who made me feel very special, but wound up sucking another five years out of my life.
Give yourself some time to heal. You will meet someone special when the time is right, but you don't need to desperately chase it down. It's OK to say "no" to dates. Concentrate on what YOU can do to make yourself, and your life, better before you try sharing it with someone else.
Hugs,
I have a suggestion--try leaving the relationship stuff alone for a while. You don't have to line someone up to take her place. I know it feels like a nice diversion--heck, going out to dinner with a lovely doctor has to feel like a boost--but you are just now untangling yourself from this octopus of a relationship that has had you all tied up in knots.
Give yourself a breather. You may not be exactly relationship material right now, with all your emotions all over the place. Go slow. In AA many people suggest not making big changes (including new relationships) for about a year. That's because there is so much involved in recovery that relationships are a distraction, plus the emotional entanglements can lead to a relapse.
I think that advice is very good for people in recovery from the effects of living with someone else's drinking, too. We aren't exactly "well" when we first begin the recovery process. It's SOOO tempting to find the "right" person right away. I bounced right off my separation from my alcoholic ex to someone new who made me feel very special, but wound up sucking another five years out of my life.
Give yourself some time to heal. You will meet someone special when the time is right, but you don't need to desperately chase it down. It's OK to say "no" to dates. Concentrate on what YOU can do to make yourself, and your life, better before you try sharing it with someone else.
Hugs,
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
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[QUOTE=LexieCat;3810227]Patty,
I have a suggestion--try leaving the relationship stuff alone for a while. You don't have to line someone up to take her place. I know it feels like a nice diversion--heck, going out to dinner with a lovely doctor has to feel like a boost--but you are just now untangling yourself from this octopus of a relationship that has had you all tied up in knots.
Give yourself a breather. You may not be exactly relationship material right now, with all your emotions all over the place. Go slow. In AA many people suggest not making big changes (including new relationships) for about a year. That's because there is so much involved in recovery that relationships are a distraction, plus the emotional entanglements can lead to a relapse.
QUOTE]
Lexie took the words right out of my mouth. Why rush into another relationship?
Might be time to concentrate on getting yourself healthy.
I have a suggestion--try leaving the relationship stuff alone for a while. You don't have to line someone up to take her place. I know it feels like a nice diversion--heck, going out to dinner with a lovely doctor has to feel like a boost--but you are just now untangling yourself from this octopus of a relationship that has had you all tied up in knots.
Give yourself a breather. You may not be exactly relationship material right now, with all your emotions all over the place. Go slow. In AA many people suggest not making big changes (including new relationships) for about a year. That's because there is so much involved in recovery that relationships are a distraction, plus the emotional entanglements can lead to a relapse.
QUOTE]
Lexie took the words right out of my mouth. Why rush into another relationship?
Might be time to concentrate on getting yourself healthy.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Alanon would be a big help right now in getting through this difficult period. I suggest going NC one day at a time. It's only today you're hurting like this, in all likehood you'll feel something different. Getting into a romance this quickly isn't a good idea ... you need to detach and work on your own issues right now to avoid getting into the same situation again.
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