Weasel1966

I have a death grip on denial. I am holding it by its scrawny neck ready to deliver the fatal blow. And I stop. I hesitate. I show weakness. Remorse. Fear. Yeah just plain fear. And I become paralyzed.

I want desperately to have my old life back. That sweetness of before drinking. Before I lost the love of my life. Before the chasm I created was this big.

But I have already held on too long.

Its like I bungee jumped. I take a head long dive toward recovery and all things new and just as I have extended as far as I can with all my weight behind me I bounce back into that mindset.

I dangle by that cord and eventually just hang there. Not moving up or down toward anything productive.

At this moment in my life I am ready to cut the cord and fall to earth. Soft or hard landing I will take it on the chin. It's a world I created so only I can recreate it.

I guess this is just a big ole whining post about the things I don't want to face but that I can see to clearly that i am forced to.... and it just sucks.

LDT

Here's a quote I like very much: "The bad news is you are falling through the air and there is no parachute ...... The good news is there is no ground."

Anna

Ken, you can take the leap of faith and it will all wrk out for you.

Weasel1966

Thanks Anna... I hope so. It's just such an unsettling feeling... Every day until I can make things right again.

I will land on my feet.

Just feels good to tell someone. I don't get to talk about it in my offline life.

K

Nonsensical

Bah. You are Ken The BeastTamer. He who overcomes obstacles and blazes a path for others to follow. And now, I too am not a bit tamed—I too am untranslatable; I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.

Weasel1966

That's awesome nonsensical!

MIRecovery

I used to always want to know where I was going or go back to where I had been. Today I trust that a higher power will guide me to a place better than I could have imagined. It may not be the place I envisioned but it is a great place none the less

Weasel1966

I agree MIR. I am getting to the stepping off point. My knees knock on the high dive but I still do it.

escapist

I feel like I have to wait for people in my life to catch up with me. I am sober. I am going to stay that way. Next? I have solutions for problems I could'nt approach while drinking. I have no patience for questions. I don't want to have a long involved discussion about the hows and whys. To me answers are obvious. Time is going by. I have wasted too much of it already. I have a place I want to be. When I get there it will eliminate a lot of the BS. Get out of way world. I don't feel compassion for your blank face. I actually resent it.
My bungee jump into sobriety. The thing about bungee jumping is that when you come back from the extreme extension you do not land in the exact place you launched from.

mecanix

When the big stuff is so draining i think it's important to forget big stuff sometimes and just enjoy the small things in life , not permanently and not being in denial , but allowing oneself just to enjoy the moment , stroke a cat , rain on a window , good music swimming , having a shower , watch some clouds, just to even up the score a tiny bit ..

Bestwishes, M

Jeni26

I remember feeling like you Ken. Everything seemed so uncertain and overwhelming. I worried what being sober would 'look like', whether I would be able to cope with the inevitable changes in my life.

All I knew with any certainty was that I couldn't go back. The future seemed scary, but the past....well that was a chapter I didn't want to re-read.

For me, I had to put my trust in those who were further along the sober road, who told me that I wouldn't regret it, that it just got better. I had no reason to doubt what they said, there were too many of them.

And so I quit worrying about the 'what ifs'. I stopped trying to plan too far ahead. I started noticing the little things in my life that I had been too hungover to notice before. I made a gratitude list every night. I reacquainted myself with friends I had let go, good friends who didn't deserve the way I had dropped them. I started building a new life.

I'm still doing it, and it is a whole lot better than my old one!

You can do this, I believe in you x