janiebluebird

The idea of dating without being able to rely on that liquid courage/social lubricant really bugs me sometimes. I'm on the shy side and have relied on alcohol for basically my entire dating career, especially in the early stages of getting to know someone/ getting more intimate with them. I am interested in other people's experiences of dating after getting sober. Did you date an also sober person? Was it a very different experience than when actively drinking?

Dee74

I didn't find dating to be very different because I never drank much when I was trying to impress someone anyway.

Those two things - impressing someone and me drinking - were pretty much diametrically opposed, so I'm not sure I can help too much there.

The one bit of advice I can give is on timing.

I waited a while until I 'put myself out there' again.

I had a lot of things to fix up in myself and I felt I needed to do that before I dated again...

I always say I didn't want to 'inflict' myself on someone before I sorted myself out...and that's not really a joke.

Dating can be stressful - we all know the ins and out of what relationships can entail.

I'm glad I waited some 6 months or so because I was a lot more together and capable person then than I was in the beginning.

Only you can know when you're ready, and at that point where where you are and who you're with won't impact on your recovery

best of luck - and if you're going ahead, just be yourself - if they don't like you, they're not the right people to be around anyway JBB

D

Sazzle

I don't have any advice as I haven't don't it yet either, however I plan on waiting a looong time before I put myself out there. I know that I don't want a drinker though. I was out this weekend and a guy was chatting me up (I'm sure he was anyway!). Nice at first but at the end of the evening his eyes were not focusing on me, he was repetitive and annoying.

Sorry, I digress! There are other things you can do and practice to become a better social chatter box so you needn't miss alcohol.

Good luck, but do give it time. I'll know I'm ready when I tell a guy to move on instead of wanting to join him if he wants me to drink.

S x

janiebluebird

Yeah it can definitely be stressful but it does get kinda boring not seeing anyone. Maybe its just that Valentine's Day is next week and all the stupid decorations are getting to me. I was going to go on a date this Saturday and suggest a sober activity...before contemplating how awkward it might be without being able to fall back onto the [temporary and false] ease that alcohol brings.

Maybe I'm not ready yet anyway. I do have more "fixing" of myself to do, as you said, Dee.

YEM

I waited a year before I got into a relationship. I would avoid anyone in the rooms (if you go) as those relationships rarely work. I needed that first year to be comfortable with myself and to be able to handle the new emotions a relationship brings.

That said, I have been with my girlfriend for 8 months and have the healthiest relationship I have been in. I got real lucky to find someone who does not drink often and never uses so its fairly easy in that respect.

janiebluebird

I'm just wondering, YEM, does it feel like a totally different kind of relationship, though? I feel like a lot of my past relationships involved going out drinking pretty often. I feel almost like I have to reinvent myself, its really weird.

Zebra1275

Maybe its just that Valentine's Day is next week and all the stupid decorations are getting to me.

Don't let the Greeting Card Industry define what happiness should be for you on February 14th. They don't know you and I'm pretty sure they don't really care.

YEM

Yes it does feel like a totally different kind of relationship. I feel like this is how relationships are meant to be. My girlfriends while I was in active addiction were basically means to an end for me although I did stay with one for a few years.

Now I am actually a caring and open/honest partner and the relationship is very rewarding. The disagreements we have are things that we talk through and are rational about. There is no booze to fuel angry fights and no dope to numb out everything.

I certainly dont advise rushing into anything and truly believe that things happen when they are meant to. I would tell my HP once I felt comfortable that "I think I am ready to find someone to share my life with. Please help me to find someone who I can make a positive impact on their life and please give me patience to not act out of my desires." After a couple months things started falling into place and now here I am 8 months later, madly in love with the girl.

She respects my involvement in NA and doesnt try and interfere with anything recovery oriented and supports me in everything. On maybe 2 occasions she has had a glass of wine with dinner and that is fine with me.

Splash29

I am worried about dating, too. I'm trying to wait as long as possible, but it doesn't help that all my friends and family talk about meeting guys like it should be my only purpose in life. First dates do always seem to revolve around alcohol or at least wine. Most guys ask me to go out for a "drink" on the first date, too. I never get asked to dinner anymore! Not sure if its me or the generation.

I haven't started dating, but I now do realize how my past relationships so revolved around drinking to excess every night and how horrible they were. So I am looking forward to a relationship I will actually be able to remember and get to know a person.

endlesspatience

Dee said: "Those two things - impressing someone and me drinking - were pretty much diametrically opposed." Same was true for me of course but did I believe it? No way!!!!

Quinne

The relationship i'm in is worlds apart from any I was in while I was drinking. It has a lot to do with who he is as a person and what I understand now to be my values and what I cherish in a relationship.

I started dating this person just before I was 7 months sober. He has taught me a lot about myself, doesn't interfere with my recovery one iota and completely respects what I have to do. I consider myself very, very fortunate to have crossed paths with this fella

Beforehand, I went out on a couple of dates with a guy and i'm so, so glad it didn't work out. I can see in hindsight that I wanted him to "fit" me and what suited me and as it turns out, he had way too many unresolved issues that he was unwilling to work on in order to be a present partner. That's not intended to be a criticism per se, but it really did open the door to me questioning why I sought something with that particular person. Grateful my HP intervened and this guy taught me how to assert myself as he fell off the planet for about 5 days and I put my foot down. He appreciated my honesty and vice-versa. Of course, he has no idea that asserting myself was a new thing for me.

In any case, I haven't ever seen my guy drink and I believe he's a very occasional social drinker-a handful of instances a year kinda thing. We're fairly similar in some respects insomuch as values are concerned-he's extremely close to his family, values honesty, communication and openness and he strives to be available to me emotionally, as I do my best to give back in return. He deserves that!

We're going to a gig on friday and this will be the first time we're in that type of setting together. I have no doubt that if I get uncomfortable, he'll be OK to leave, but we'll have to have that conversation beforehand.

Truly, nothing beats sharing that vulnerability and openness with someone else while sober. Fear brings people closer together too Maybe "fear" is a strong word, but if there's any awkwardness or anxiety, i've learned to hold onto it and deal with it if that's what's required. It's the truest version of myself and sure as hell beats drinking to feel "comfortable" in my own skin

Xx

coming_clean

Dating non-sober was a disaster for me.
Im better of sober, always have been.