Gforce23

Well,

That about says it. I'm at 3 weeks today. I'm doing alright. I've found a good A.A home group, and I outed myself as an atheist. Not only did not get negative feedback this time, but I had several guy's came up to me and say "Oh, Atheist? Me too, ever read any Hitchens?" Cool. I think my A.A experience on the small islands in the past was not a good representation of the diversity of A.A.

Also, I think I've found out I have OCD! I don't know why, but it really makes me happy. I'm serious--happy! NO I didn't get a diagnoses from a doctor. Another poster suggested I look into it, and low and behold I fit the picture of "Pure O" type to a T.

Now while I know some people don't like labels, to me finding out there is a name for my suffering, and that I'm not the only one is a revelation. I felt the same way after my ADHD diagnosis 18 years ago. When you suffer your whole life and then somebody tells you that basically, your not crazy, lazy, stupid, or weird, (well, I'm O.K. with being weird.) and other people actually experience this too and it's not your fault. Well, for me, it's a down right relief.

I guess it makes sense, we have a lot of these stuff running around in my family. My mother is most likely ADHD, her brother is an OCD hoarder, and I have two dislexic cousins (Alcoholic relatives and parents not withstanding!)

Well, here's to week 3 becoming 30 days.

Cheers.

Nonsensical

Awesome!

AlisonW

Great job Gforce!

MeetJohnDoe

I guess I'm in the part that wouldn't judge you and assign any label. If it helps you, okay. But I would want better for you. Celebrate you for you, no judgment or labels just love. I'm fascinated that someone else reads Hitchens. He was a great book critic. Love his writing. Have all of his books but misplaced "No one left to lie to" and can't find it. But I have too many books, my weakness. I guess 8 7 foot full bookshelves are better than that many empty bottles. Have you read Bertrand Russell? He won the Nobel Prize for Lit in the 1940w I think, and his "Why I am not a Christian" is more profound than Hitchens, and actually closer to Jesus's message. Are you familiar with the chapter "The Grand Inquisitor" from Dostoyevsky? Jesus returns to Rome and says institutionalized religion misses the point. Profound.

Gforce23

O.K, reading more about it--maybe not to a T. I don't have weird obsessions that I'm going to anything religiously or sexually inappropriate...however, I have had some really weird and scary obsessive and unwanted thoughts about self-harm over the years. I get really scary and sometimes strangse thoughts in my head and they won't go away. I have ruminated in the past for hours that I have some terrifying disease... However, some years have clearly been better than others. Maybe I'm a mild case, but still, I'm glad to know.

Windancer

Lovely
Glad to hear about 3 weeks, and that you seem so positive!!!!!
Heartfelt congrats.

Gforce23

Thanks! Well, it's been up and down--catch me in another few days and I might come here and start a thread with a title something like "It's been 28 days, 6 hours, 27 minutes, and 21 seconds, and it sucks." Or something to that effect.

However, I think I'm happy because I'm finding out about something that's always plagued and perplexed me, and I've never had a name for it. My weird, scary and sometimes bizarre thoughts and ruminations that in the past have sometimes gone on for days--have been my painful secret. I've hardly ever admitted it to any one because the thoughts and my reactions/ruminations are so strange, I was way to embarrassed to ever tell anyone. So, I'm feeling a little liberated right now--that's why I'm sounding so darn peppy.

Thanks.

FreeFall

Congrats GForce! I'm glad you're feeling better. Sometimes just knowing we're not alone is the biggest relief, especially in addiction situations. It's always good to know as much as you can about what you're battling-easier to fight with the right tools and information. Keep up the good work!

Anna

There's actually a book called "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder".

I'm glad you're doing well and congratulations on 3 weeks sober.

Impurrfect

Congratulations on 3 weeks!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

fini

way to go on the three weeks, Gforce!

the way you describe feeling about finding out about the ocd and how it seems to describe you sounds similar to the way i felt when it hit me "i'm a drunk".
things started making much more sense after that, in a different way, and it's when i could finally quit.
glad you found a meeting that is ok for you.

Gforce23

Yep, got that one. My favorite is still the "classic" Driven to Distraction by Edward Hollowel and John Ratey.

Dee74

congratulations on 3 weeks G

D

Coldfusion

Thanks for posting here at SR through thick and thin! It's helpful to see that others are experiencing the same challenges.

LexieCat

Congrats, G! Just wait, as they say in the Big Book, "more will be revealed." You've only just touched the surface of AA. Dive in, the water's fine!

Considering the fact that alcoholism involves mental obsession, my personal theory (I don't know that anyone has actually studied it) is that most alcoholics have a touch of obsessiveness in their personalities. We tend to be intense about things, which can sometimes be good, and other times not serve us so well.

Don't worry too much (lol, bad advice to someone who is obsessive) about a diagnosis. I think stuff like obsessiveness happens along a continuum, and just because you don't fit the DSMIV diagnostic criteria doesn't mean that you're not naturally prone to it.

Hevyn

Fantastic job, Gforce. Be proud! One of these days you'll find yourself feeling much better than ok.

Gforce23

Well,

Actually the more I read, the more I do fit... and these things may be on a continuum, but I've had some thoughts that wouldn't go away that have caused me to suffer on and off since I was a kid, so I'm glad to know there's a darn name for it. Anyway that's neither here nor there at the moment.

Once again, I have run into people I know and used to hang with, and we have some friends here in town who are going to have a baby soon, and of course I have a pang of doubt about sobriety every time I think about dinner parties, or see people I used to party with. And, a lot of these people are friends--not just drinking buddies. Friends who happen to drink. I know that they won't care that I'm not drinking, but their very presence reminds me of good times with it, and I automatically start dreading what I'm trying to do. Anyway, like I said--it goes up and down.

paul99

Good on ya, G. Keep on posting

Gforce23

Good Morning!

You know, here is my attitude about "labels:" I grew up not knowing I had ADHD (or OCD thinking tendencies.) I grew up with adults who were often angry and frustrated for not being able to live up to there expectations of me, which were many. I grew up with a lot of criticism, which continued as an adult from friends, room-mates, co-workers, bosses...s**t, it was endless. I was so forgetful when I was kid, the times I actually remembered to bring a pencil or my homework to school stand out in my mind because those occasions where so far and few between.

I could not consistently keep up with my school work. My desk was always a disaster. My report cards continuously read something like this: "G.... is very bright and is reading and writing well beyond her grade. She is very disorganized and seems to have a lot of trouble remembering her homework assignments.....blah blah...we are worried that she is working well below her potential."

This only got worse, and the adults in my life got more and more frustrated. They placed a lot of expectations on me, and they couldn't understand why this kid they thought so "smart" and so "talented" just couldn't get it together. You have no idea how fights with my parents I had over the years, and how bad feelings there were, and how much my self-esteem suffered in school because of this.

I finally dropped out in high-school, of course there were extenuating circumstances, but nonetheless, the undiagnosed ADHD was a big part of it. Perhaps if we had known sooner, people in my life would have stopped calling me what in my opinion are whole lot of labels that are far worse than ADHD. Maybe I could have made it to adulthood with some self-esteem, instead of carrying so much guilt over the years for failing everybody, including myself--if I had only just known it wasn't ALL MY FAULT.

All through the years, every told me how "smart" I was, how talented artistically I was, how I could be an Opera singer (I was in choir for years.) an actress (ditto for theater.) a writer...blah blah blah. So instead of doing becoming any of those things, I dropped out of school and wound up living marginally housed and marginally employed as what I'll euphemistically call, a "professional dancer" or "Cocktail Waitress." So you see, I'm all for labels that will finally put an end to feeling like CRAP about myself. So hey, considering I hung around junkies, speed freaks and prostitutes, attributes which frequently manifested in the same person, it is truly a miracle, that I at this point all struggling with is an alcohol problem. I'll pat myself on the back for never wanting to any drug that didn't seem "recreational," and drawing firm lines at needles. I mean really, what is social about a bunch of people in the same room nodding off together. Yee Haw, party time...

In terms OCD like thinking, when I was a little girl, I used to have to hide the knives because I once had the thought that I was going to pick up a knife and kill myself, and I would ruminate on this for hours, on and off for days, and that is only ONE example. Then of course I wondered if I was crazy, and I ruminate myself into MISERY for days over this. So you see, it's also nice to KNOW, that I'm not crazy. At least, not that kind of crazy.

Anyway, I'll get off my Woe is Me Life Story here for a little while, to respond to the question of whether I have read Bertrand Russel and the answer is no--though I do know who he is, and I will now that you've suggested it. While I am somewhat decently read, there are quite a few things I've missed over the years, and I believe because of the ADHD--some writers and philosophers, are harder for me to get through. I have not read much Dostoyevsky. The Russian I've read loved has mostly been Tolstoy.
The other atheists at the meeting asked me "have I read Nietzsche..." Or any other philosopher past or present who makes a case for atheism. Frankly, I've never really thought to back up or validate my feelings on the matter by reading others' treatise on the matter.

Once again, that is, my lengthy report. Shoot, maybe I should save this stuff for a journal, and not bore all you nice people to death with a short story about my life every week or so.

Any way, cheers.

Vodkasaurus

How did you manage to quit? Did you go to a detox center or just quit cold turkey on your own?