Weasel1966

Did I not get invited to that party because I drink to much? Get loud or rude? Tell off color jokes?

Did I get overlooked for that special project at work because I am always out from drinking to much the night before... Or days before?

Are people uncomfortable around me because my life looks a little out of control? Little???

I probably don't even know when I get marginalized for my addictions.

But this post is to tell you when you know it happened.... It hurts.

I experienced domestic violence in December. Bad enough I was carted off in an ambulance. Broken nose in two places and a fractured eye socket. Blood all over the living room and even on the wall.

I was unable to speak for myself. So I was spoken for and the cop was told "he fell on the Christmas tree".

I spoke yesterday to a seasoned law enforcement friend. He was honest and blunt about the event.

He assured me that the cops looked the other way. That the pictures he saw of me and the story did not match to the extent that they should have pushed. Or at least interviewed me afterward. But certainly not accept it at face value.

He said had it been a women and a man and not two men that there would have been an arrest with questions later.

I was marginalized. It does not feel good to know some get protected and some get overlooked. I was overlooked.

I am NOT interested in ideas or suggestions on how to fix it. I choose to move forward from here. I have enough to consider that I don't need to right wrongs I cannot control.

But I never want to allow myself to be marginalized again if I can help it. That starts with addressing addiction head on. Doing what's right for me.

TiredWolf

Right there with you.

Job interviews don't pan out because I have a few gaps in my employment history...when I was unemployable and in treatment. Throws up a red flag.


I don't get invited to family get togethers as often as I used to. I wanted to help coach my kid's team last year and I was quietly pushed aside. They know...people talk and I just assume about everyone I encounter knows my history.

I just do one day at a time and have learned to appreciate what I have, try not to get angry.

Fernaceman

Deep insights Weasel. Thank you for sharing.

Elisabeth888

As my sponsor says, "onward and upward!"

We can get better, in spite of our circumstances.

Nonsensical

I've never been marginalized, but I used to fear becoming marginalized if I showed up at social events and told people I was no longer drinking. I no longer fear that.

Previously, I had always pictured it being awkward. I tell people I quit drinking and they cast sideways glances at each other while I try not to look embarrassed and ashamed. No one knows what to say and next time they just don't invite me.

Now, I feel very comfortable about the fact that I no longer drink. Probably because before, when I quit, I really really wanted to drink, and that would come through. I'd say, "I quit drinking" but what comes across is "I really really want to drink, but I had to quit drinking for a while".

Now I feel confident I can just say, "I quit drinking" and not have it feel awkward. So it won't look awkward or make anyone feel awkward. I don't want a drink. My Beast is thirsty as can be, of course, but he is no longer in charge.

You helped me with that, Ken. You and freshstart57. You have no idea how grateful I am to you guys.

Weasel1966

Well said nonsensical. Thanks.

I feel the same about things. Being gay is not easy. It's not a choice anyone would choose if they actually had a choice. But if I get asked questions and that requires me to respond and essentially tell them.... They respond according to my confidence or nonchalance to the topic. If I act ashamed or fearful they see it and think I must have issues.

Lol... Well I do have issues just none around saying who I am. After all its me. Don't like it then move along.

So your response made me think of those times I answered confidently. I will try to do the same with drinking.

I am really happy you are using AVRT. It is an awesome tool!

K

bigsombrero

Believe it or not I was a "hot commodity" on the job market for a while after I voluntarily left my old media job last year. I had several recruiters working on my behalf, setting up interviews with large, successful companies. Instead of taking the opportunities seriously, I continued to abuse alcohol and lived my life blind, in the throws of full-blown alcoholism. I showed up to at least 3 interviews under the influence. After some time, one of my recruiters said he could no longer work with me. I was making him look bad. The other recruiters stopped calling soon after. Nobody said it was because of my drinking (or perceived drinking), but it was pretty evident I was being shut out. Marginalized, if you will.

The phone doesn't ring anymore with job offers and I am struggling to find a good fit in the private sector to this day. Do I feel guilt because my condition caused this? Yes. Shame? No. I was dealing with a disease that I had no idea how to cure. I can only move forward, and do the best I can with what's left. Thanks for sharing your message, I can take solace in your story.

ivegotsunshine

I couldn't see recognize a lot of my short comings when I was drinking. I knew that I was often "that girl" when drinking with friends but everyone always seemed like they were having a good time. It wasn't until I quit drinking and continued in my social circle that I realized how much bigger my drinking problem was. The other part of that is I am disturbed that I drank as much and as often as I did in front of other people, and most of them never thought I had a problem! Of course those were my drinking friends. My "normal " friends knew better.
Have I been marginalized? Oh ya. Have I done it to myself? Yup.
Sounds like you've been victimized. Been there. Done that. It sucks. It hurts. BAD. You wont forget the pain but it sure is a constant reminder that you are doing the right thing. At least it is for me in my experience. Take care of yourself. Things will get better.

Weasel1966

Yes it does hurt... A lot. I called in sick to work today. It has been months since I did since I stopped drinking. I just needed a day to sort out the emotion of being put aside as if the trauma of getting hit is different for me than...

So I am doing good things for myself to make me feel better. Heading to the mall with a gift card in hand. Going to lunch at my favorite burger place.

I did not feel this way until he told me for sure what should have happened from the point of the police. That realization sucked.

But... I don't drink any more so here I am coping soberly.

Received

I'm not going to give you ideas or suggestions on how to fix it, weasel.

I will tell you that I treated myself as an insignificant piece of junk for years. Being marginalized by others only served to feed into the contempt and self loathing I had for myself.

This is not said to minimize what you or anyone has gone through where others basically turn their backs or look upon us with contempt and disdain or almost worse, as nuisances.

I am not any of those things. I know that now.

I can't change the past but I sure as hell-o can honor myself. What I'm saying is, it starts with me.

And yeah, it sucks the domestic violence you suffered through was overlooked because of it being man/man.

Maybe you can look into starting a grass roots group to address this very issue. Domestic violence of any form is unacceptable.

And as far as I see it, not drinking is one of the greatest ways I can accept and honor myself. Again, it starts with me.

xo

ivegotsunshine

Weasel, I call it a mental health day. Burgers can do magic for the soul. Maybe take a walk and get some fresh air. Remember, its ok to get really really pissed off! ( the american way, not the UK way by getting drunk haha)
the mantra at the end of my signature is what I tell myself when I think things cant get worse. Keep your chin up!

escapist

I grew up being marginalized. I learned to live there. Before bruising up children was illegal or politically correct to condemn. The kid whose last name changed in the middle of the school year. The child left standing after all the others had been picked for teams. I don't feel sorry for myself about it anymore. I have a perspective of society most others don't. And I have a special set of survival skills. What is improtant for me to understand is that when I am going through life as the invisible child/woman not to take opportunity to withdraw into drunken obscurity.

Weasel1966

Escapist.... There is real pain there. For me as well. We are both doing great for ourselves!

And you have more special than just your survival skills.

I will get past this. Today was a simple reset so I give myself the time needed. If I went to work and could not spend time distracted then I would likely be more inclined to drink it away.

Not this drunk. Not this day.

MyTimeNow

This is so awful to read Ken and I feel so sad for you.

Do you think you were marginalized because of being gay, or because of the drinking or a bit of both perhaps?

Nobody should be overlooked regardless.

I experienced DV 3 weeks after my daughter was born. I called the police and the now ex was removed from my home. I didn't press charges even though I should have done.

It's almost 4 years to the day... you never forget it, but you can allow it to be an experience that makes you stronger and I'm glad you are moving forwards in spite of such shoddy treatment from the police.

I admire you.

Weasel1966

Thank you for all the support. I had a good day at home. Nothing is settled. It sucks. But tomorrow is a new day.

Anna

It's just really disappointing to hear that, Ken. I'm so sorry that you were treated like that. I think this domestic violence experience has been life-changing for you and I know that you will come through this stronger than before.