25 year old brother is extremely verbally abusive to grandma...help?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1
25 year old brother is extremely verbally abusive to grandma...help?
My situation has been ongoing for a number of years now. I am in my 30's...I'm semi-disabled, and live with my grandma. Before you jump to any conclusions, she has a very large house, I have my separate everything for my own private life and I give her money.
My brother is in his mid 20's. I actually do not believe he's an alcoholic in the traditional sense, I just think he likes to both party and often get drunk before bed.
But here's the thing...his lifestyle is highly incompatible with our 80 year old grandma. He slams around the house in the middle of the night with no respect. If he's confronted about anything at all when drunk, he blows up into a complete verbal RAGE. He sometimes breaks things. It gets so bad that whenever it happens, my grandma often has panic attacks. He starts yelling that she is old and living in the 1940's and never wants peace with anyone.
The cops have been here before, but verbal confrontations aren't illegal, no matter how bad they are. Last night, he started banging on my door and woke me up demanding to know where something of his was, which I didn't take. He ended up in my grandma's face telling her that she is a stupid old bitch and wishes she was dead. VERY loud and you're unable to talk to him.
It is a terrible situation. I keep telling my grandmother she should not let him come back. She lays in bed saying she wishes she was dead. I keep on telling her how much happier he and we would all be if he were kicked out and only allowed to come for occasional day visits when he is normal (he doesn't drink during the day).
However, she seems to think he will be "sleeping on the street" if she kicks him out. But this isn't true. He works and make okay money...he has many friends. I keep reading about making alcoholics hit "rock bottom" but I honestly don't even think that would happen to him...I just think that he needs to be where he can live his party lifestyle and be himself.
But since I don't own the house, i can't force this to happen. I feel like that while it is my brother's fault, my grandma is letting him do it to her and that makes me feel slightly less sorry for her, but at the same time, I know she equates kicking him out as not loving him...which of course is backwards.
I just don't know what to do. I am tired of having a very disrespectful idiot disturbing the peace. Everyone else in my life is pleasant and we all have a great life, until this idiot known as my brother does his thing.
How can I get him to move? I know that as long as grandma keeps letting him in and supporting him , he will never get out on his own.
My brother is in his mid 20's. I actually do not believe he's an alcoholic in the traditional sense, I just think he likes to both party and often get drunk before bed.
But here's the thing...his lifestyle is highly incompatible with our 80 year old grandma. He slams around the house in the middle of the night with no respect. If he's confronted about anything at all when drunk, he blows up into a complete verbal RAGE. He sometimes breaks things. It gets so bad that whenever it happens, my grandma often has panic attacks. He starts yelling that she is old and living in the 1940's and never wants peace with anyone.
The cops have been here before, but verbal confrontations aren't illegal, no matter how bad they are. Last night, he started banging on my door and woke me up demanding to know where something of his was, which I didn't take. He ended up in my grandma's face telling her that she is a stupid old bitch and wishes she was dead. VERY loud and you're unable to talk to him.
It is a terrible situation. I keep telling my grandmother she should not let him come back. She lays in bed saying she wishes she was dead. I keep on telling her how much happier he and we would all be if he were kicked out and only allowed to come for occasional day visits when he is normal (he doesn't drink during the day).
However, she seems to think he will be "sleeping on the street" if she kicks him out. But this isn't true. He works and make okay money...he has many friends. I keep reading about making alcoholics hit "rock bottom" but I honestly don't even think that would happen to him...I just think that he needs to be where he can live his party lifestyle and be himself.
But since I don't own the house, i can't force this to happen. I feel like that while it is my brother's fault, my grandma is letting him do it to her and that makes me feel slightly less sorry for her, but at the same time, I know she equates kicking him out as not loving him...which of course is backwards.
I just don't know what to do. I am tired of having a very disrespectful idiot disturbing the peace. Everyone else in my life is pleasant and we all have a great life, until this idiot known as my brother does his thing.
How can I get him to move? I know that as long as grandma keeps letting him in and supporting him , he will never get out on his own.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm assuming that your grandma isn't mentally incompetent--if she were, you could apply to be her guardian.
You're in a tough situation. If your grandmother wasn't as old as she is, I would normally suggest you move out if you find it disturbing. Competent adults have a right to make their own decisions, even those that are bad for them. But at 80, even competent adults are not as able to care for themselves as they once were. So I would have a hard time, myself, leaving her to the mercy of your mega-jerk of a brother.
I don't know where you live, but in my own State (NJ), harassment is grounds for obtaining a restraining order. Even though it's your grandmother's house, if he harasses YOU (harassment is defined in the law of each State), you could get one. So you might try contacting the Domestic Violence hotline and see if there is a chance you could obtain an order forcing him to leave (you couldn't apply for one in NJ on your grandmother's behalf, but as a household member, you could apply for your own).
The other thing you might try is to contact your State's department that deals with issues affecting the elderly. Someone there may be able to give you suggestions.
I'm sorry you and your grandma are in this difficult situation.
You're in a tough situation. If your grandmother wasn't as old as she is, I would normally suggest you move out if you find it disturbing. Competent adults have a right to make their own decisions, even those that are bad for them. But at 80, even competent adults are not as able to care for themselves as they once were. So I would have a hard time, myself, leaving her to the mercy of your mega-jerk of a brother.
I don't know where you live, but in my own State (NJ), harassment is grounds for obtaining a restraining order. Even though it's your grandmother's house, if he harasses YOU (harassment is defined in the law of each State), you could get one. So you might try contacting the Domestic Violence hotline and see if there is a chance you could obtain an order forcing him to leave (you couldn't apply for one in NJ on your grandmother's behalf, but as a household member, you could apply for your own).
The other thing you might try is to contact your State's department that deals with issues affecting the elderly. Someone there may be able to give you suggestions.
I'm sorry you and your grandma are in this difficult situation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I would call Adult Protective Services, they can offer advice on how to protect your Grandmother. I could actually see myself getting a restraining order, and changing the locks...but that's me. I would then deal with Grandma if she's upset afterwards. But i would protect myself and her first.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 87
Although common sense would scream fix it, for your own self if not the grandmother, I caution you to be aware that you could get serious backlash from the grandmother if she doesn't really want to change things ~ then you are tagged the bad guy, not the brother. Some people are very entrenched in behaviors and relationships that seem ridiculous and destructive, and they may complain long and loud... but really don't want to do anything differently.
You can't make your brother respect your grandmother, and you can't make your grandmother demand he show some respect. At best, you can demand that YOU be treated with respect.
You may have grounds (and it sounds like you do) to intervene and report elder abuse, but just be aware that it could stir up a whole different hornet's nest.
What If I Suspect Abuse, Neglect, or Exploitation?
You can't make your brother respect your grandmother, and you can't make your grandmother demand he show some respect. At best, you can demand that YOU be treated with respect.
You may have grounds (and it sounds like you do) to intervene and report elder abuse, but just be aware that it could stir up a whole different hornet's nest.
What If I Suspect Abuse, Neglect, or Exploitation?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Have you tried to talk to your brother while he was sober during the day? He might be irrational to talk to when drunk, but maybe in the early afternoon you could explain to him how badly he is affecting your grandmother and you. If that doesn't change anything the options of restraining order or contracting Adult Protective Services that are listed above would be a good step.
If your grandmother is wishing she was dead then the situation is obviously way out of control. No one deserves to live like that.
If your grandmother is wishing she was dead then the situation is obviously way out of control. No one deserves to live like that.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear egghead, I also agree that we need to protect the young and elderly from abuse and exploitation.
You have already received some suggestions and, no doubt recieve some more.
I say, first of all--arm yourself with KNOWLEDGE. Make it your mission to learn everything you can on this subject. Talk to the professionals who work in this field--they are the ones dedicated to helping and who have experience.
Talking to the counselors at the local domestic violence agency might be a 1st. step--they will know all of the other resources to direct you to. Also the internet
has good information on exactly what constitutes "elder abuse" (I believe your grandma is being abused).
You might also talk to someone at your local law enforcement agency to see what information they can offer.
****Do not accept anyone's casual "opinion" as to what is or isn't possible--as often people will offer opinions when hey are, in fact, rather ignorant on the subject. LISTEN TO THE PROFESSIONALS.****
Egghead, please keep us informed as you go forward. Protecting the elderly is the responsibility of all of us.
sincerely, dandylion
You have already received some suggestions and, no doubt recieve some more.
I say, first of all--arm yourself with KNOWLEDGE. Make it your mission to learn everything you can on this subject. Talk to the professionals who work in this field--they are the ones dedicated to helping and who have experience.
Talking to the counselors at the local domestic violence agency might be a 1st. step--they will know all of the other resources to direct you to. Also the internet
has good information on exactly what constitutes "elder abuse" (I believe your grandma is being abused).
You might also talk to someone at your local law enforcement agency to see what information they can offer.
****Do not accept anyone's casual "opinion" as to what is or isn't possible--as often people will offer opinions when hey are, in fact, rather ignorant on the subject. LISTEN TO THE PROFESSIONALS.****
Egghead, please keep us informed as you go forward. Protecting the elderly is the responsibility of all of us.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Cheshire, England
Posts: 49
Sorry to hear of your bad situation. I can relate to this, as my nephew lives next door but one to his Grandmother (my mum) who is also elderley has had a similar situation. He verbally abused my mum very often for many years. She use to pop round to help him because her daughter (my nephews mum and my twin sis) had died suddenly.
To cut a long story short my mum gave up hope of ever getting things sorted with him and stopped talking to him and left him alone to get on with his bad behaviour, drinking and so on.
It's taken 5 years and he is now recovering and has made contact with me and wants to make amends with his Nana. He owes her one massive apology. Looking back it was the best thing all round for my mum to cut ties with him and keep her distance. She stood her ground though and I never thought I would see the day that he would 'see the light'. So, I honestly think for your Nana's sake it maybe best if she tells him to stay away... it may take time, even years for him to see sense and it may never happen, but IMO it is best for all concerned.
Good luck and best wishes.
To cut a long story short my mum gave up hope of ever getting things sorted with him and stopped talking to him and left him alone to get on with his bad behaviour, drinking and so on.
It's taken 5 years and he is now recovering and has made contact with me and wants to make amends with his Nana. He owes her one massive apology. Looking back it was the best thing all round for my mum to cut ties with him and keep her distance. She stood her ground though and I never thought I would see the day that he would 'see the light'. So, I honestly think for your Nana's sake it maybe best if she tells him to stay away... it may take time, even years for him to see sense and it may never happen, but IMO it is best for all concerned.
Good luck and best wishes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Could you approach your grandmother and talk with her? Maybe ask her to join you at an Alanon meeting. Or go yourself and get some literature from them - there's a pamphlet about the three act play that families and alcoholics do that is very insightful. Or get a copy of Melody Beattie's book CoDependent No More, and share it with her.
So sorry you're in this awful situation. Keep posting, there is lots of support here.
ShootingStar1
So sorry you're in this awful situation. Keep posting, there is lots of support here.
ShootingStar1
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