Audrey1

My partner comes from a highly enmeshed family of alcoholics who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and make constant excuses for their situations. It's excruciating.

His mother coddled him, while simultaneously neglecting his wellbeing. A strange mix. To this day, she calls him at the drop of a hat and expects him to come running. She has been a terrible role model for him. He, in turn, seems to think all women will cater to his every needs so he doesn't have to. His alleged dyslexia has meant I have done all his paperwork for him since I met him. He just got home from work (it's 10pm here) and I have just finished work too (I work from home). I have been at it since about 8am. I have picked up some kind of awful stomach bug and have felt terrible, yet have worked all day, stopping only to do a load of washing. I am now cooking dinner.

I ask him to do one thing, the one thing he has postponed and postponed and postponed and promised again he would do tonight. He now says he can't because he's been working all day and tired. It never seems to occur to him that I have done the same thing, but that I didn't have the massive break in working he had so he could sit around drinking all day and night. Thankfully those days are over, but this dependence remains.

That one thing I have asked him to do will take him about five minutes, and I literally can't do it for him. It is a small part of his visa application for my country, which is an extremely intense and taxing process. I have been working on it for months. Interesting that given it is his visa, I have done 99.9999% of the work on it on account of the fact he never seems to get around to it. This includes navigating his country to obtain documents in his language and trying to find the proper authorities to certify and translate them.

Please don't get me wrong, I realise me doing this for him is stupid, stupid, stupid, but it is better for the both of us if we leave this country as soon as possible.

Besides being a substantial rant, the aim of this thread is to ask for advice on how to break his dependence on me. I have been successful in many respects (housework, cooking, etc). This progress is not to be sniffed at given the strong gender roles in his family which mean he is mocked for doing these things and I am treated like an incomplete woman. But I am tired of feeling like I have the burden of two people's day-to-day bill paying, correspondence, emails, appointment making and endless reminders, organising trips and night out, gifts for family members, etc etc always square on my shoulders. I'm not sure if this is an alcoholism thing (though he quit drinking a couple of months ago), or just a relationship thing. He honestly thinks he can't cope without me.

Any thoughts?

lillamy

The best way to break his dependence on you is to stop doing things for him.

dollydo

The best way is for you to have some clear bounderies. When you stop being his mommy, he will get the message.

Leaving the country isn't going to solve your issues. They'll just move with you.

No one is forcing you to do any of the "stuff" you are doing, it is your choice. He is an
adult, might be time to start treating him as such.

Florence

If he agrees with you, he needs to take the steps to relieve himself from dependence on his family and take the steps necessary to get a visa and move out of the country.

You can't do it for him. Even if you do, it won't solve any of his real problems.

Aren't you exhausted?

MarliMac

I don't know exactly what your visa situation is, but I can tell you what happened with my AH. He is Canadian, and I am a US citizen. I applied for him to come to the US, did all the paperwork, which is massive, kept track of everything and when he was finally given a green card last September, it took him about a month to find a girlfriend. I found out about the girlfriend on Christmas morning when I read all their porno emails on his phone.

I gave him a choice, her or me, and he left me. I suppose that was my reward for staying married to an A for 12 years and enabling him to get a US green card.

LifeRecovery

I struggled with the same thing for a long time. I don't know if it is alcohol related or not.

It finally started to improve when I stopped trying to do it all. When my words matched my actions. When I said I would not do X, Y, and Z for him and I did not, and I stopped worrying about it if he did or not.

I felt like I was in a no win situation for a long time with this. Boy did it help when I got off this part of the ride.

Cyranoak

You break your dependence on him. When people show you who the really are, believe them. He's clearly showing you who he is and what he wants to do (and not do). Words are nothing. Actions are EVERYTHING.

Now believe him.

Take care,

Cyranoak

LexieCat

Maybe you need to re-frame this. If completing the visa is important to YOU, but not to him, then do it and quit complaining that he isn't doing something he should be doing.

Your refusing to do it does absolutely nothing in terms of changing his non-cooperation. He won't suddenly decide to do the right thing to spare you the aggravation. So stop expecting him to, stop hurting your head over it. If the visa isn't important to you, then let it go.

Audrey1

I am exhausted! The visa is of equal importance to us, so I had hoped we could put the same amount of work into it.

Well, the section of the visa never got done last night, or this morning. I got upset again and lost track of everything I have learned in the blur of frustration. Now that I've had a chance to calm down, I just spoke to him and said I was putting all the paperwork away. Apologised for being a nag (can't believe I would ever become a nagger). Told him that the longer the visa is left, the longer we will be apart, which is why I was concerned. I am scheduled to leave this country earlier than the visa is likely to be granted on account of my belief it would be done by now (silly me), and had hoped we could get through the process quickly enough so that we could go together. It is, in fact, his absolute worst nightmare to be apart from me, so you would think this would have kicked him into gear. I suspect he thinks I will postpone my flight for him. Anyway, I told him that I will get on with my things, he can get on with his things, and he can just let me know when he has some hours to sit down and finish it together. There has been silence since but I guess he is thinking about it.

I do know that what all of you are saying is right. I just sometimes fool myself into thinking that my logic must be flawed, and my ability to reason with him is no good. This is a baseless theory because I am actually trained in negotiation and have successfully managed to negotiate with many, many people in my life, including a few very difficult characters. It's sometimes hard to let go of the hope that perhaps if I can't do it, the more experienced of you on this forum have some "magical" ideas that I have never thought of before to bring up in these pointless arguments. Something that will open his eyes to what seems to me to be so ridiculously obvious.

I was reminded of the impossibility of this this morning when he implied that he works harder than I do (his work is physical and mine is not, though I work a hell of a lot more hours... and I'm usually studying on top of that), and that I should do these things because it is "my" sort of work. That "I don't ask you to pick up a chisel and make a statue, do I?" He doesn't make statues, by the way, so I'm not sure where that came from. I think it was a heated grasp for anything. It's a shame I was too angry to laugh at the time. I'm certainly not now so I am having quite a belly laugh as I write.

FeelingGreat

I guess you have to work out what you are willing to give up to make your (very legitimate) point, so that if he calls your bluff, you've already accepted the outcome. The visa for instance. If you can live with going on your own, then don't help him.

I totally sympathise with you though. I tried everything to get my 18 yo to help around the house, and the only thing that worked was when we sat down together and I asked her what she thought was a fair system. She was too embarrassed to say 'I think you should do everything'! Once she had stipulated what SHE thought was fair, she was much more willing to follow through, and I was happy too.

I don't know if that helps in any way.

Audrey1

If only he were an 18-year-old! He's 30 though, so it would be nice if he could grow up. Interestingly enough, we did the sit down and exchanged ideas much like you did, but they never stuck. After all, I can't chisel a statue.

I can definitely live with going on my own. No problems there. It is he who claims to fall in a heap when I'm not with him. So he can call my bluff if he wants. I had just hoped for better in this particular situation.

LexieCat

The problem isn't so much hoping it would be different, the problem is EXPECTING it to be different. I hope for a lot of things that I know very well may not ever come to pass. Because I don't EXPECT them to, though, I'm not disappointed when they don't.

And what's the matter with you, anyway? Get out there and take chiseling classses! He may not be around forever, you know! Thanks, I needed a laugh this morning, myself!

Carol Star

I learned an exercise at an Alanon workshop. Write what they are doing to you on the left side of a piece of paper. Write your reaction to what they are doing to you on the right side of the piece of paper. Now- cut the paper down the middle. Your part is the right side- "your reaction. " Throw away the left side. Anything you have a resentment about -doing you should set a boundary about. No is a complete sentence.

redatlanta

Yep - that was me for a year and a half.

I stopped. Stopped cooking, cleaning, making Dr. Appt, canceling them, going to the store every night to get something for dinner and stopping at least 1 place to pick up something else he needed that he had all day to get. Lets see what else....I stopped doing laundry, I stopped figuring things out for him ("I don't know" became my most used sentence).

The amazing this is if people are hungry, they will feed themselves. If the house gets so messy they can't stand it they will clean. If they suffer from not making an appt they will make the appt. When they run out of clean clothes they will wash them. And, If you say "I don't know" enough their brains will turn on and THEY will figure it out.

Doing everything for someone is not only exhausting for you its enabling for them. It has to stop - its very unhealthy for you both.

dollydo

Go back to your country, if he decides to complete his visa he will. It is just that simple. The guy is an alcoholic drug user, who has little to offer you, why not move forward with your life?

Florence

I'm kind of with DollyDo here.

So, say somehow the visa does itself and he comes to live with you in another country? What do you expect to happen with him and your relationship once you're there? Are you in love with him, or with his potential?

Jazzman

You can't convince him to make you a priority for him. Either you are or you aren't. These things don't just change either, common courtesy and simple consideration for others has to be there from a very early age.

Recovering2

Expectations are planned resentments. He's not going to do what you expect, so don't set yourself up for disappointment. He's an adult. If he wants to leave, then he completes the necessary steps. If he doesn't get it done, then he doesn't move. That's his choice. You move on, he'll get the message.

dollydo

"If only he were an 18-year-old! He's 30 though, so it would be nice if he could grow up."

His emotional IQ is probably set at the point he started using, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for him to grow up.

fourmaggie

No, NO, NO! start praticing that infront of the mirror...after a while its not hard to say..

so get your big girl panties on and start saying it.....(and take alook at other "enabling" behaviours in other relationships...)