PippoRossi

Like everyone out there, for years I've carry around hurts that others have inflicted on me. And by "others" I mean my parents. You'd think that as 40 year old woman that I'd be able to handle this. And, yet, it seems to be getting worse for me as the years go on.

To give you the Readers Digest version: My mom and bio-dad divorced before I was 2 years old. Mom remarried and that man addopted my brother and me. I was unlucky enough to grow up with two very narcissitic parents.

Later in life, in my late 20's I got back in touch with my bio-dad. We kept in contact for about 10 years and even visited eachother on occassion. On one such visit my bio-dad and his wife (both alcoholics) upset me by making some personal comments about my home, etc. The next morning when I called them to meet up, I discovered through the hotel staff that bio-dad and his wife had checked out early and left town unexpectedly. I haven't spoken to him since, and I pretty much consider that blessing. I honestly did not lose any sleep over it.

My mom and adoptive dad divorced a couple of years ago because dad was frequenting Craigslist prostitutes (I guess you CAN buy anything through Craigslist, after all!). I haven't spoken with my dad since he and mom divorced. Didn't want to have to deal with his drama.

Now, my narcissistic mother has moved into my town (before she was a comfortable 3 states away from me) and this has introduced some new family dynamics.

I have a huge problem trusting people because I have been so disappointed and hurt by those who are supposed to have loved and cared for me as a child. Now, I am projecting my feelings onto my husband and we are fighting and I am pushing him away. He is a good man, has stuck by me through thick and thin and would never cheat on me.

Is it possible to ever learn to trust people? Part of why I drank for so long is probably to calm those fearful voices in my head.

Coldfusion

"Trust" s one of those things called a "spiritual principle" that must be learned and practiced. Have you ever thought of going to Al-Anon?

PippoRossi

I haven't thought about AA, but perhaps it's time I explore it. I'm sort of at that point where I am ready for the next step on this path and I need some guidance.

MIRecovery

Sounds like a professional is needed. Family of orgin issuses can be really help by a professional

PippoRossi

Oh, jeez, MIRecovery. I was afraid someone would suggest a counselor. :-\ I've seen a couple of different ones in the past and they have been pretty helpful. I will consider it.

TrixMixer

Interesting question, Pippo! I am going to answer this in an unexpected way.

For Me ONLY--No! Once trust is lost it can never be regained. That is why it has always been so important to me to be honest with people. You ask me a question ONLY if you want the truth--not what you want to hear.

I have seen so many people take back husbands that have cheated on them, and they try to make it work, but once someone has lied to you or misrepresented themselves---who would not think it can happen again. I think that is natural, you always go back to "they fooled me once" they are capable of being fooling me again.

That's just me though, I think trust in a parent is irretrievable--their word is damaged goods.

DIYman

I'd say the challenge has been not learning in how to trust but in who to trust.

ACT10Npack

If you don't feel safe around your mom then put a restraining order on her.

Dee74

I think we can learn to trust, Pippo - more than that I think we can learn *who* to trust as well.

I quote from The Shack a lot because I read it at a time I really needed to

There's a great quote in it about relationships and, I think, indirectly about trust:

It would be foolish to trust everyone. But, from my life, I know it's equally foolish to trust noone.

I was let down by my family. That left me with trust issues too - but I've learned that to not trust anyone, and particularly not to trust the people in my life who deserve it, leaves me and my life poorer.

It's a huge courageous step to walk out essentially naked without your armour or your safety harness...you might need a little prep work and I think counselling is a great suggestion...

but doing that has paid dividends for me and my relationships- I hope it pays dividends for you too PR

D

2inconsolable

I still believe that it's possible if we want to and if we'll meet the right people. But I don't believe anymore that it's possible to learn on our own. It needs a different point of view to help us. Therapy may be the right way.

That's just my opinion, you know.

MIRecovery

If everyone in my life that I had betrayed no longer would trust me and viewed me as damaged goods my life would be a very lonely and sad place.

Slowly but surely I am regaining loved one's trust by showing them I am a different person. I do not expect their trust but I am doing what I can to be the person I want to be.

TrixMixer

......and that is why you are a better person than I---I wish I was as courageous as you. I certainly spent a lot of time in therapy for that issue and they still could not get through my thick skull. I just had to have my full amour on, Naked was Never happening, LOL. I am the loser though, agreed!

PippoRossi

Thanks, everyone, for your comments. Great insight!

vegibean

Pippo, I relate to your story, even with talking to my new therapist (I'm 42 years old) I have a lot of issues regarding trust, abandonment, and again, trusting. I feel that all of my parents, both bio and step, bailed in one way or another. My step-mom was pretty great and I have actually contacted my X step-dad recently (both of my step parents were way better than my bios).

Reflecting back now, I also know how important it is for us while we are growing up to have a sense of safety and confidence, it really makes what we are as adults.

And like you, it's the same with the relationship that I'm in now. I want to have faith, but in the back of my head, I'm waiting for my bf to bail on me. I moved out months ago and then moved back home with him because of my own thinking and "waiting for the other shoe to fall", and it is uncomfortable.

The thing is, that even with him, I have to sort through what is "real" and what I'm creating in my own head.

Also, I have to be able to trust someone. My friends that I've had for years, I trust them, so I use them as an example in my life, "there are people that I do trust and have for a long time", I remind myself. So with that, I have to give others a chance.

I agree with what Dee said, "you don't have to trust everyone", but take your time in letting that wall down, I don't think there is anything wrong with that. At the same time, you don't want to bombard the other person with your own personal issues.
While currently seeing my therapist, the process is very emotional, I'm having to deal with myself and reality, and it's uncomfortable, but with that, I know if I wasn't feeling so awkward, I wouldn't be working through it and trying to figure out what is going to be best for me.

Good luck Pippo, I know this is a hard thing, but you can slowly get trust back with someone, but you also have to be open and willing to get hurt, that is definitely something to look at. If we stay closed down, who knows what wonderful things we'll miss in life?

Dee74

LOL I never meant I was like that everyone Trix - just a select few

If anything I was too open and vulnerable in my drinking days because I received ALL my validation from others.

Now I know my own value. I also know what healthy relationships are about now, so I'm better at picking who's trustworthy, and when things are 'off', and I'll either open up or back away.

Sometimes I still get stung - but thats ok - it means either I picked badly or someone fooled me...but my boundaries are pretty good I think, so I simply dust myself down and move on.

Counselling helped, but so did simply letting myself grow and trusting in my own judgement again

D

PippoRossi

Thank you so much for your post, vegi. Reading it was like reading something I myself wrote (especially the quote above). I have been with my husband for almost 20 years (married 18 years this April) and most of the time I have had that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" feeling. It's all in my head. He is a good man and has never given me a reason to doubt him, yet I continue to do it. I don't want to lose him, so I really need to let down my guard around him, as I imagine he is growing a bit tired of this scenario. Having my mom back in town will be a challenge, one that will make me have to work on my behavior and I truly welcome the opportunity to grow from it!

vegibean

Pippo, I totally am feelin' ya. Hang in there, and hope you get through it. I kind of hope you share too as I'm going through stuff with my bio mom as well, but that's for the next session with the therapist. Here I am an adult and I still struggle with "what is the right thing?". Good luck. :ghug3

TrixMixer

Ya know Vegi--your OP in answer to Pippos trust issues was very thought provoking.

Dare I try therapy again? I mean I do trust to a degree friends and of course my husband....but the deepest part of myself is in my own "collection box" and those things are just mine. That was why Alcohol was my confessor, my drunk and I could confide express ourselves to each other--which was on in the same --No risk there, LOL!

You have a very good attitude, I am happy for you.

Sincerely,
TrixMixer