sadstate

My ah goes to aa once a week. I know he is still drinking behind my back. Wouldn't going to aa AND drinking cause him more anguish and guilt? OR......do you think he really isnt' going?? Should I stay out of it and let it go or find out if he is really going? I know he is drinking while helping his buddy work on his car. Should I ask the buddy and his wife not to offer him drinks while he is there. They are not big drinkers but usually offer to friends visiting.

fluffyflea

No don,t do any of that, what you can do is find an Alanon meeting for yourself.

dollydo

My exabf was doing out patient rehab. He went daily, after it was over he would buy himself a 6 pack, some recovery. This is typical behavior for someone who is not really in recovery. And IMO going to a meeting once a week doesn't make for recovery.

Are you still going to Alanon meetings? If not, I would do so.

What you are wanting to do, is a sign of codependency. Have you read Codependency No More by Melodie Beattie? What about the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information on codependency.

LexieCat

I'm sure it is causing him a lot of anguish.

FWIW, I know people with happy sobriety for years who started out pretty much the way yours is--going to meetings while continuing to drink. If he's actually going because he "wants to want to quit" (which usually precedes actually wanting to quit) it may do him some good.

Keep focusing on your own recovery. That's what will do YOU the most good.

Pelican

Would you want your alcoholic husband going to your girlfriend and her husband and asking them not to serve you sugary sweets because you are trying to cut back?

Sounds like something a mother would do for her underage child.

Their house.
Their booze.
Their choice.

Your husband is an adult. He has the right to accept or decline any substance offered freely to him.

Justfor1

It is a myth that everyone who goes to AA is not drinking. Heck, there are even folks who go to a meeting while intoxicated. Some folks try to use AA in order to reduce their drinking. The only requirement for AA is "a desire to stop drinking". He may have that desire the day he attends the meeting & a few days later, at his friends house, a desire to drink a cold beer.

Cyranoak

...you are focusing on him and his recovery (or non-recovery). It's absolutely none of your business. Your business is you. His business is him. Your drinking (or not), is none of his business, his drinking is none of yours. He's a grown man, even if he's not acting like one, and is fully responsible for himself.

Please consider Earthworm's suggestion and try a few Alanon meetings. Worse case scenario your life will improve. Best case scenario your life will improve a lot.

Take care,

Cyranoak

tomsteve

i have seen a few different things happen to people who go to AA while still drinking:
it plants a seed so if/when they want help, they know where to go( happened to me).
the seed planted can make a peson know where the problem is but be in denial about it( happened to me).
it can take the fun out of drinking( happened to me).

wouldnt have mattered what anyone did to get me to get help. it wasnt gonna happen until i wanted it.

Taking5

That is no myth. A myth is something that is widely believed to be true. I have never met a single person that believes this.

amooseoncebitmysister

The posts above are excellent.

I tried to control my AH's drinking for years much to my detriment and his; I hope you don't go down that road. It's best to step out of the way of an addiction. Letting my AH experience consequences from his drinking was important for both of us.

My AH was one who would go to AA meetings while inebriated. Or, he'd get out of a meeting and drink. He was definitely not in recovery, but I will say he was a much kinder alcoholic when he went to meetings, even while drinking. Nowadays he's going to them sober, and staying sober.

I highly recommend that you try to concentrate on yourself. Read up on codependency, it is eye-opening. The stickies in this forum are also invaluable.

sadstate

Thanks, guys! Great words of wisdom here! Love you all.....

dandylion

Dear sadstate, I think it is safe to say that the alcoholic feels guilt, anguish, and self-loathing much of the time. An active battle with their "disease" is going on at all times in their brain.

I've heard that it is not uncommon to attend AA and then drink--or go to meetings intoxicated. At least he is going. There is no way of knowing what is "sticking" with him--but, I have heard many alcoholics say that seeds may be planted that may contribute to recovery, later. AA is best left to deal with this.

This, I do know for sure---any of your efforts to monitor him at this time will be percieved as meddling---or worse. You will get only resentment. I don't suggest approaching his friends for the same reason.

You see, how he manages his recovery (or not) rests squarely on his shoulders. Trust me--he will receive this message in AA! Your responsibility is to set boundries for yourself as to what you are willing to live with--or not. You are responsible for your happiness in this life.

There is sooo much to learn about alcoholism and the ways it can damage us from living with a loved one with the disease. That is why everyone says to "read the stickies" at the top of the page. Melodie Beatties books--esp. "CoDependent No More" also comes highly recommended. Much of the information is also counter-intuitive--this is why we need knowledge.

It is wise to channel your energy on to yourself at this time.

very sincerely, dandylion