PippiLngstockng

I was getting pretty clear about things but now I'm all muddled... Last night, I was finally getting around to reading about codependency. I keep trying to fit myself into that characterization, but I'm not the best fit.

Then last night I am reading "codependency and the return to healthy love". And suddenly I see my AH in their portrayal of a codependent! I thought I was supposed to be the codependent since he's the alcoholic...

Can anyone help unmuddle me about this? Suddenly I am feeling really sorry for AH...he does desperately try to control me, play the martyr and intrude in what looks like helpful ways but really are attempts of his to put himself in a position of control.

Thanks!!! I'm so confused suddenly!!!

Audrey1

Most definitely. My partner is a codependent for sure. He always wants to please everyone all the time, which ends up meaning he gets taken advantage of and exhausted. It used to really upset me, but it's his problem to deal with.

Since he quit drinking, I have suggested he limit his time around heavy drinkers, or to at least request that they don't drink heavily around him (yes, this is me being codependent), but he doesn't want to put anyone out. He instead sits there and suffers while these people go nuts. Christmas was THE WORST. He felt this massive obligation to be with his family 24/7 and run around after them, running errands for them while they slept through the day or just sat around either drinking or hungover. Meanwhile, I refused to be around this nonsense. Instead, I stayed home during the daytime, did my own thing, and cooked a few dishes to contribute to the two dinners we went to.

By the end of it, he was exhausted and had no idea why.

Hopeworks

The alcoholic often becomes codependent and parasitic upon the significant other who is also emeshed in the struggle to change behaviors and outcomes through their own efforts.

The alcoholic "needs" their enabler and uses their wiles, manipulations and even abuse to achieve their ends: to drink.

The enabler "needs" to save the alcoholic since he/she "cannot" save themselves or so we tell ourselves.

That was my experience anyway. I exhausted myself for 4 years... finally let go and let God... and he didn't die and instead is in authentic recovery now.

The letting go... sigh... that is what is so hard... very hard... to do. But in my case the codependency and unhealthiness of our relationship we NEEDED to put 3000 miles between us! Best thing that ever happened... period.

My XA was so codependent and emeshed he was like the alien in the movie that burrowed into the belly button... it's hard to shake a codependent alcoholic!

fluffyflea

Alcoholism and codependency go hand in hand. I'm an A and a co-dependent big time.

ColetteTocca

I remember when I first came to AA, a woman told me " Alcoholics are really just codies who drink".

Now more than a year sober into the program, I realize how vital it is for recovering alcoholics to work both 'sides of the fence'.

lizatola

I heard this in one of my first meetings. A man at the meeting says, "I'm a double winner, but most of us alcoholics really are."

I truly believe my AH is codependent, too. But, it would have been hard for me to see that until I learned more about what codependency was and how it manifests in most humans.

Tuffgirl

In my relationship, the A was by far more codependent than me. I watched him struggle with it in all aspects of his life, especially the inability to say no. He was so busy exhausting himself pleasing everyone around him that he ended up angry and resentful; its amazing he even had time to drink so much!