choublak

I just wanted my damn boyfriend back. It wasn't like I sought out an alcoholic, "oh there's an alcoholic, let me fix him". The alcoholism wasn't yet "apparent". How was I supposed to know?

jessiec

I feel you. I had never peronally encountered alcoholism prior to falling for my RABF. It took me so long to truly understand and accept what was going on -- I was so clueless about the complexity of the disease and so out of my league. I just could not understand what this was, why he couldn't stop if he loved me, etc. etc.

I didn't sign up for this. But I think I was supposed to experience it. It has taught me a lot of lessons and has brought me so much further in my faith and relationship with God.

redatlanta

Sometimes things just happen with no underlying cause - like being a fixer and looking for broken people (me).

LexieCat

It isn't necessarily that we choose alcoholics hoping to fix them. Not true for everyone, anyway. Sometimes we are just trying like crazy, as you were, to get back the person we fell in love with, who has been taken away by alcoholism. I think it's the most natural thing in the world. But in the process of doing that, we tend to lose ourselves, too. We become as much slaves of the disease as they do. Yeah, it sucks.

Crazed

Choublak - I can relate to what you are saying. I was in a fairly long relationship with another girl that exhibited alcoholic tendencies before my recent alcoholic. While I do have classic symptoms of codependency, I did not get into these relationships due to deep-rooted alcoholic family issues, etc. I did not get in the relationships to fix. I got in them because both women were extremely intelligent, fun and beautiful. We bonded on both an emotional and extremely physical levels. Once the depth of the disease became apparent, I just had a hard time letting them go... (and still do)

choublak

Right. But I'm not a fixer, nor can I really relate to being one.

choublak

That seems to be the assumption though. Why?

LexieCat

I think it is true, for some people. And it's also true, I think, that those of us who are "fixers" (or have tendencies in that direction) tend to tolerate the drinking longer than those who are not. Let's face it, there are a lot of people out there who run at the first sign of something like alcoholism or abusive behavior. Some of us have a harder time because we keep thinking that there must be something we can do about it. And the more we try, the more we get sucked in.

thislonelygirl

I want to fix him and I know hes broken.
I found out hes broken after awhile and I want to fix him.
In the end both scenarios....we want to fix.

But how do we fix ourselves?

choublak

I don't get the concept of people being "broken" either.

I'm all for self-improvement and changing some aspects of my attitude, but the "I must fix myself and recover from my addiction to fixing other people's problems" makes virtually no sense to me, because I'm not a "fixer". My mom, on the other hand, has always been a fixer and a people pleaser, and I found her to be suffocating sometimes when I was growing up.

inpieces314

In my situation, HE is the fixer. Or so he thinks.

He thinks there is something wrong with me, and tries to fix it (HIS way, of course). What he doesn't realize is all the psychological damage was caused by him, while he blames everyone else for doing something.

Guess what, doesn't work from this side either.

NewbieJ

For me - and I could totally be wrong about anyone else - even before I realized there was a problem, it seemed my AH was selfish, self-centered, "pouted" a lot, was passive-aggressive and not completely emotionally available. So I think the "fixing" issue is just one of the small parts of me that comes out after staying with someone whose attitudes and behavior maybe isn't all that fantastic? A self-worth issue? As in, "If I'm enough, they'll be better". I dunno.

thislonelygirl

My mother was and is still a fixer but ide classify her as control freak lol
Same too....suffocating even in my older years.
I agree that one cannot fix anothers problems however it must be that persons.
What I meant though was that it doesnt matter whatothers do or want. Its what we do or want.