Argnotthisagain

Hi everyone----

First, I want to say I read you guys a lot, especially when I'm feeling sad, lonely, fearful, self-pitying and all that other good stuff..... thanks for all your ES&H. Many times I read someone struggling with the same process of grieving forever over losing the A, and having a hard time remembering that there was a LOT of really abusive, bad feeling crap going on.

So like you, I did the right thing when I saw that it was getting worse, more unhappy and so I got things rolling by putting my house on the market. That was a few years ago. Then he left in April 11 but it was with the assumption that he'd come back after getting some work with his brother. Things looked like he wanted to work it out, go to counseling together, etc.

Well, that didn't happen, and next time he came back it was to collect his stuff and move back to Ohio.

Long story short, I couldn't let go..he didn't want to either but his alky brain and angry denial of it, plus not being able to find work here forced him to leave... (my opinion? If he was sober and didn't look and smell like a heavy drunk, he might have been more willing to look for real work, rather than rely on old friends in other states willing to give him sh*t work.)

So we kept in touch with email ....
I stayed with a friend for a year, sold my house bought a new one much better for me, am closer now to work and to friends.
Much better.
For a couple months before this past Christmas, we were in touch more, missing each other and re-aquainting. We even started speaking on the phone. My hopes were cautiously up, but then I needed to speak frankly about the drinking.

Well, you all know how that worked out. *ahem*
So, just before Christmas 2012, I texted him to say no more.

I closed the door. So, nothing's **realllllllly** different......
But I need to work on taking better care of myself. That's why I finally went to Al Anon last night after yet another weekend of isolating and sinking into my habitual depression where I'm pretty much paralyzed.

I'm at work now and looking forward to anothee meeting tonight.

I truly get so addicted to the illusion of having someone to love....the rollercoaster of fallling dor people qho are F$@D UP ----- sooo familiar and so futile.

So I just wanted to check in.

Thanks for reading me.

Recovering2

Glad your life is headed in the right direction! It's true, we all become "Addicted to the Addicted", it can be hard to see our way out of it. I was very reluctant to go to AlAnon initially, now I look forward to those meetings. AlAnon will be a great support as you move forward.

dollydo

Sounds like you are heading in the right direction...good for you!

Argnotthisagain

I just got home from work.....

Wanted to add that the lonliness is so hard. And of course the fear that I'm going to be alone forever makes it so damn hard to calm down about being single. I project wayyyyyy into the future with images of being alone, old and sick.

I don't have any family so I feel the clock ticking. It's a different knd of ticking than women who want to have kids getting close to the cut off. This is the mortality ticker. I'm middle aged now. (Eeeek) I am fearful that my shelf life is past. I have no trust in the Universe bringing me the right partner.

Well, that's the gist of the negative committee in my head.
The meeting I went to last night was a real relief.

I'm looking forward to tonight's meeting and at some point finding a sponsor.

Redheadsusie

I am sure you still have "shelf life" ! That made me smile! I am right there with you and I have to push those thoughts out of my head the best I can. Today having a hard time doing that but you are moving forward and working on you and you just have to deal with now - not the future . Trust the Universe~ I am trying to and will say some positive affirmations for you too!

lillamy

Well, I'm an old fart and I found someone to love once I got out of my alcoholic marriage. So there is always hope.

One thing I figured out after I left AXH was that I was actually less lonely without him than I was with him. Because as long as he was there, I expected something -- companionship, someone asking "How was your day?" or offering to bring me a glass of water... and expecting that and not getting it made me feel worthless. After I left, and now when I'm alone (I'm not living with the man I'm involved with), I may feel lonely but I don't feel Actively Ignored And Therefore Worthless the way I used to.

Argnotthisagain

Thanks! :-) yeah, it's soooo annoying how doing the right thing doesn't feel so good. Well, let me rephrase that: breaking off the addiction feels FRICKIN HORRIBLE.

Going to AlAnon feels good :-)

Argnotthisagain

Oh boy that's good to know ! That you found someone to love, so there's hope. Not that either of us are old f.... erg, I hate that expression! We are well seasoned!

That's another thing I forget...that it was so lonely with him! Hoping for a good moment, scared of his rage attacks, the whole eggshells bit.

Bleh!
I feel so much better already since going to Alanon. I think after lots of grieving for him and all the other pain that grief brings up, there's the part where the crying and pain is a way of holding on.

Now I'm feeling so much better after a couple Alanon mtgs, I think I needed the positive connection with people to fill the empty spot..

Argnotthisagain

Thanks Red. Haha yeah shelf life.... lol! Thank you it's good to know I'm not alone feeling this way. Good to know that I'm not alone when it's hard to pull out of that frame of mind.

Good vibes accepted and appreciated! I'll send them to you and everyone here too. :-) <3

Argnotthisagain

Thanks dolly. it's just good to be reassured cuz sometimes the right path doesn't feel so good!!! But just finally getting sick enough of doing my isolation got me out to a meeting. THAT felt a LOT better.

LexieCat

What I've noticed, too, is that people who become happily single tend to surround themselves with good friends who BECOME family. I noticed that (since we are projecting way into the future) when I was visiting my dad in his "over 55" community in AZ how much the friends look out for each other--how they socialize and laugh together.

I found that comforting. Right now I'm still a bit of a loner, but I can change that IF I ever start feeling lonely--so far, I don't!