Yogagurl

Hi,

I have been with an active addict for about 2 years now. He has finally attempted a recovery program; however, I don't feel that the sober living home is structured well enough for him. He has been living in a sober living house (halfway house) for 7 days. I am living at home, about 45 minutes away, while he is attempting recovery. Since he has been living there, we have not seen each other.

On this past Friday night, rather than coming home after the "house meeting," he went to a bar/pool hall with one of the roommates of the house. I understand that he wants to hang out with his friends; however, I was very upset that he chose to go out rather than to come home. I packed all of his things for him when he moved, took care of all of the odds and ends. I figure he would want to come home to HIS WIFE. At the same token, this guy was out trying to score some coke.

I thought that it was inconsiderate of my husband to choose to not spend time with me and expect me to wait for him to come home, so I went out with some friends as well. The thing about it is, I don't use drugs at all. If he wants to avoid being put in situations where drugs may be available, I feel like my company is the most appropriate, especially since we are married.


My questions are:

1. Is this sober living home too lenient?
2. Am I justified in my anger towards his choice to not come home and spend time with his wife?
3. Do addicts in recovery subconsciously make decisions that they know will cause conflict, and therefore bring on a trigger to use?


Thank you in advance for your time and your replies.

Best,
YG

Katiekate

The program is probably fine, it's him.

They are not going to lock him down, his sobriety and program is on him.

I would be upset too, he is newly sober, it's up to him how he decides to work his program. He is an adult after all.

What are you doing to take care of you??? This is not an easy process, you need support too, you are in recovery also.

Try to focus on you. love to you Katie

angel1018

Hello. I think the program is fine unfortunately the problem is him. If he was serious about recovery then he would have come home to a safe environment. They know what is right and what is wrong. It's about what they want right now. In his case it seems as if the addict in him is getting its way whether he is using or not. "His actions are speaking louder then his words" --

Kudos to you for "doing you" and having a night out as well!

Yogagurl

Thank you for your replies. When I went out on the town, my husband relapsed "because" I wasn't at home when he got there. Basically, he's blaming me for his relapse. I understand that he has triggers that are next to nothing. For instance, we had to run an errand one day and he wanted to come home and take a nap after work. Because his plans got messed up, he wanted to use.

I understand that I can't walk on eggshells trying to avoid these triggers. What is it that addicts need to do to get passed triggers and not use? What do you suggest I do as a spouse of an addict to help in his recovery?

He still hasn't gone back to the sober living home. I can't control that he chooses not to go back. I don't think that he has spoken to the house manager either. How involved should I be in this process? Do I need to let go and let him make his own choices, disconnecting? That is where I am at this point because I have been living in the cycle of his addiction for so long.

Thank you!!!

angel1018

Of course you're the one that caused his relapse-- who else does he have to blame bc he definitely isn't going to blame himself. There's nothing really you can do. He has to do this all himself when he is really ready. It's unfair that you have to live this lifestyle bc he can't get his act together. I'm reading "the new codependency" by Melody Beattie. I recommend it.

You have to make time for you and worry a out you. The more we dedicate our worries on them the more we lose ourselves.

Hanna

Those sound a lot more like excuses than triggers to me.
Basically, any time he doesn't get what he wants he is going to use?

You have to decide what you will tolerate and set boundaries.

hello-kitty

You cannot cause him to use. And you can't stop him from using.

Of course he can blame blame blame if he wants but he is the one that is putting that crack pipe in his mouth. Not you. Not his friends. Not the SLE. He is solely responsible for smoking crack. He is solely responsible for his recovery.

Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he is really done yet.

What about you? Trying to deal with a crackhead can make you absolutely nuts. You need recovery too. Read all you can on this website. Learn about setting boundaries. Learn about codependency. Hide your money and your valuables. Consider making an escape plan and making moves towards it.

You have to change yourself and your own decisions, because you can't change him or his.

Yogagurl

Thank you again for all of your replies. I understand that I am not responsable for his actions and I have been taking care of my own therapy. My thing is that as a wife, you wonder how you can be apart of your husbands life in sobriety if he thinks that you are a part of what triggers him to use.

I am working on an "escape" if you will. I am not quite financially stable enough to leave yet, but I anticipate that I will be by the end of March. The most difficult aspect is the sense of being trapped. Like, I can't leave, so I have had to become accustomed to his behavior.

My husband has been abusing crack for about 10 years now and he is surrounded by enablers (yes, I understand that I have become one as well). His chance at recovery without inpatient treatment, in my opinion is slim to none. I also feel that he may have used the sober living and rehab idea as a way to get bailed out of the mess that he caused for himself. His family took up the responsability of paying his bills and rent when he decided that he was going to get help. They even went so far as to pay for getting his tools out of the pawn shop.

I just need guidance on what kind of support I can offer that would be beneficial. It seems that the only kind of support that I can offer is to become healthy myslf.

laurie6781

EXACTLY, that is the only support you can offer him. HE obviously is not ready yet and is just using the SLE to get everyone off his back.

Work on you, take care of you, go ahead with your 'exit plan.' Then if after a set amount of time (you set it in your head), a year or 18 months or whatever of CONTINUOUS sobriety, and a definite change in his ACTIONS not his words, you feel like YOU might like to give it another go, fine, and if you feel like you are DONE, then go ahead and get a divorce.

Either way, you have to take care of YOU and move forward for YOU, getting YOURSELF healthy.

HIS RECOVERY is on HIM and him alone.

Please keep posting and let us know how You are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

Yogagurl

@Laurie6781 - thank you!! That advice hit a chord in me. I am printing it out and posting it where I can see it all the time. You get so caught up in the day to day that it doesn't occur to you there's SUCH A LARGER picture. It will take LONG TERM continuous sobriety for my husband to be able to begin to adapt to living in society as a sober individual. It isn't until he is capable of functioning as a whole person till he will be able to contribute to a partnership. Spot on.

Impurrfect

((Yogagurl)) - I agree with the above, especially ((Laurie)). FWIW, both she and I are "double winners" - recovering addicts (RAs) and recovering codependents.

I am actually recovering from a crack addiction. It wasn't until my loved ones stepped back and allowed me to fall flat on my face, dig a really deep hole of a mess, and figure out how to get out of that hole that I chose recovery.

I was VERY angry at first. It wasn't long until I became VERY grateful and I still am, to this day...going on 6 years in recovery.

I also have loved ones who are still active in their addiction, and I apply te same things that worked for me (as an addict) to them...work on ME and let them work on them. Doesn't mean I don't love them. In fact, I love them enough to give them the dignity of living with the choices they make.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

lightseeker

the only way to help him is by concentrating on yourself and working your own recovery. There is nothing that you are going to say or do that is going to cause him to use or not use. If only we were that powerful! He might tell you he used because of you but it's just an excuse.

You've been with him for a while and you say that he has used crack for 10 years. My ex was a crack abuser and then got sober. I was with him for 6 years sober and it was horrible! He did not work a program and I lived with a dry drunk - this isn't pretty stuff.

I'm glad that you are thinking of an exit plan. Focus on you and what you need to do to be healthy. A mistake that I made years ago when I ended a relationship with another addict was to believe that the problem was him. I was wrong - the same personality traits in me that caused me to love my first addict led me straight back to another addict. I realized finally that I have my own set of problems and definitely need my own recovery program.

totfit

If he was with a "house mate" the first weekend in the program and gets out and the first place he goes is a bar, there is nothing right with him OR the program. Sounds like there is little or no structure and a great place to find "connections". I wish you the best and can offer no advice as to what you should do, but certainly things aren't going to change the way things are and it also sounds as if hubby is in no way motivated to get clean. We can't blame everything on "addiction" or "disease". A person has to have the "desire".

lesliej

I know first hand that being accused of being a trigger adds to the feeling of being trapped.
Damned if you do...and same if you don't.
One of my moments of clarity that helped me the most was realizing that in the midst of my ex's decades long addiction to crack...everything and everyone becomes an excuse. the manipulation and deceit is not even necessarily "intentional" in a malicious way...it just is what it is. I quit taking it personally. And it was a huge relief emotionally...even though I faced the heartbreak of letting go.

I. too, felt that the treatments/sober houses etc had become part of his lifestyle...part of how he escaped the messes that his crack addiction created.

Good for you that you are starting to plan an escape route...just having the option, creating a choice for yourself, can be so very freeing.

someone told me once: A man's heart is where his feet are at. Pool hall with a fellow addict trying to score? that's where his feet were. addicts KNOW each other...he knew what his buddy was up to long long before they went to the pool hall.

read this: Addiction, Lies and Relationships
it helped me gain some clarity.
best regards