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Failed on day 4

Old 02-04-2013, 05:41 AM
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Kys
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Failed on day 4

Went for dinner with a friend, a good level headed friend too. Thing is in that in social environments I don't want to not be able to enjoy a few drinks and not imbibe. I love it.

I drank what would one normally drink on an exciting night out with dinner and a few bars afterwards. It is a shame I had 3 more beers when I got home though, especially when I have work in the morning.

I don't know what to make of this. Many people have those sorts of fun and memorable nights out, beers and wine to get a bit boozy.

You've seen my posts. Eating my own words but have I started from square one again?

Thanks guys.
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Old 02-04-2013, 05:49 AM
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Social environments are always the hardest at the beginning. If you don't want to be sober during them, then the chances are that you won't be. I found socialising tricky at first... but even though others were drinking around me, and all it would take is a "can I have a wine, please?" deep down I really, really didn't want to drink. You just have to find that determination inside you and allow it to take over. If you still love alcohol, then it's going to be a lot harder. I 'gave up' many a time before I actually stuck to it, and it wasn't until the last time when I really HATED alcohol and despised what it had done to me, that I found saying no easy. You can convince yourself that you and alcohol are no longer friends, that you DO want to go out and not imbibe. This thing is as easy or as difficult as you choose to make it.
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:00 AM
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Good words. Especially the last part. I need to work on acknowledging alcohol for what it is.

Three days in though and then on the fourth drunk again.

It's not so much that I have thoughts I won't make it again. More so that I can 'start next week' or something like that. A failures means I should start again on a fresh date etc.
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:12 AM
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I also love drinking alcohol, beer specifically.

The thing is, I've an addiction to alcohol that was destroying my life and was slowly killing me.

The only solution that works for me was to admit that I had a problem, seek help and accept that I could no longer drink alcohol.

Ever.

I still love beer, I just can't and won't drink it.
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Kys View Post
Thing is in that in social environments I don't want to not be able to enjoy a few drinks and not imbibe. I love it.
Then I expect that you are going to continue to struggle with recovery, Kys. If you could drink normally, you would.

If you plan to drink until you hate it, expect a lot of carnage before that happens.
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:21 AM
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Been there done that - how many times have I been a few days sober only to take customers out to dinner or offer the idea of happy hour (WTF was I thinking! AIGH!!) and imbibe. I can tell you that abt 10 days ago I was at a team function for work and chose not to imbibe and I only got guff from one guy. The fact of the matter was a peer of mine ordered diet coke too. Long story short....you can do it with the help of your friends and higher power. Admit to them that you're stopping drinking and sometimes that accountability helps in social settings. Then again I've sneaked airplane bottle size vodka into my coat and drank them in the bathroom while giving appearances of not drinking.

Find some support, tell on yourself and avoid temptation.
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:44 AM
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Thanks

@Dogfonecarl especially. I don't understand how I used to drink normally but now I can no longer. Seems I'm bent on getting back to my old (better?) self than trying for a new one.

I really appreciate your words.
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Kys View Post
Thanks

@Dogfonecarl especially. I don't understand how I used to drink normally but now I can no longer. Seems I'm bent on getting back to my old (better?) self than trying for a new one.

I really appreciate your words.
I tried for 20 years to drink normally. I knew there had to be some way. When alcohol had kicked the snot out of me for the thousandth time. I gave up trying and gave up drinking.

Once the switch is flipped in an alcoholics brain there is no way that I have discovered to un-flip it.

AA has taught me how to treat my condition but there is no cure for me.
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:52 AM
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Can I never go back to that life?
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:52 AM
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Id try not to see it as a "failure"....try and see it as a lesson.
What did you learn about alcohol, social situations, and where you are at in your recovery right now? How can this information help you in the future?

I think we have all been there Krys.
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Kys View Post
Can I never go back to that life?
I think that the mere fact that you are thinking that in early recovery suggests that the idea should not be entertained. Only an addicts mind would try and find a way to go back to that reasonably somehow.
Is it really worth it?
So many people barely ever drink (or simply dont drink) and they dont miss out on anything, and live wonderful healthy lives.
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Old 02-04-2013, 06:59 AM
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Same here, I tried for 20 years and never discovered the secret to normal drinking. I remember drinking once because a friend posted a picture of a beer on Facebook, I figured "I can't quit. What if I visit this guy and he wants to go out for beers?" Mind you, I had never visited this guy, but just wanted to keep the option open. I finally realized, that as an alcoholic, I was just looking for an excuse to drink.

My alcoholism really became apparent when my drinking buddies started to avoid me because I drank too much. That's a sad day... but I carried on for some more years. Never did find the trick to normal drinking, so I gave up trying.
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Old 02-04-2013, 07:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Kys View Post
Can I never go back to that life?
If you mean, "Can I ever drink normally again?" Then the answer is no assuming you are an alcoholic.

Word of warning. Your addiction will do everything in it's power to convince you that you are not an alcoholic. If you read the first 164 pages of the AA big book (free at aa.org) and are honest with yourself you will likely know if you are an alcoholic or not.
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Old 02-04-2013, 07:00 AM
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Thanks Windancer.

In a way I've let you guys down, you got to me three days! I want to pick it back up again, you saw the determination I had - I saw a life in a more meaningful way!

Right now it does feel like I've started again. Don't know what to make of that.
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Old 02-04-2013, 07:06 AM
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I quit lots of times and drank again just as many. Where I made my mistake was

1. I underestimated how strong my addiction was
2. I had to learn how to accept help because I could not do it on my own
3. Half efforts produced zero results. Just because I tried 50% I did not get sober 50%
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Old 02-04-2013, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Kys View Post
Thanks Windancer.

In a way I've let you guys down, you got to me three days! I want to pick it back up again, you saw the determination I had - I saw a life in a more meaningful way!

Right now it does feel like I've started again. Don't know what to make of that.
Dont feel you have let us down, Krys! Not at all. Its great you are posting about this!
I have been through this process time and time again. Dont be too hard on yourself....that just creates a cycle of self pity that can serve to make you feel more vulnerable.
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Old 02-04-2013, 07:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Kys View Post
Can I never go back to that life?
A handful of people can, most can't.

I'm of the opinion that those who try to go back, waste a lot of potentially good years in misery and ill health while trying.

Maybe I could learn to moderate. However, I'm not going to find out, I'm just not interested in the slightest, nor am I willing to risk my life and health over alcohol.

Those days are thankfully done.

The thoughts I have about trying to go back, I know that's my AV talking and I although I acknowledge it is there, I don't argue or entertain that voice.

I'm quite and that's it.
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Old 02-04-2013, 07:58 AM
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Over the past few years I have drank moderately on a few occassions. Either it was a social setting where I was unwilling to emabrass myself (or, more likely, embarass my wife) OR I had failed to plan ahead and was simply unable to obtain the amount of alcohol I really wanted.

I was miserable. every. single. time. More miserable than if I'd had nothing at all to drink.

There is no moderation for me. Only sobriety or shame and early death.
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Old 02-04-2013, 08:15 AM
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Kys
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I hope you guys can stick around in here tomorrow (few hrs earlier than this). I didn't drink three days herenand the feeling was incredidble. Social drinking every so often is something I want and need to manage.!Drinking at home every night is the crux of my problem. The absolute worst and almost all being of my problem

Not discounting and aforementioned words. God I feel lost right now though. Went to work today after three days of no drinking and accomplished so much. Tomorrow will just be another pull through day.
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Old 02-04-2013, 08:21 AM
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In a way I've let you guys down, you got to me three days! I want to pick it back up again, you saw the determination I had -

Kys,
you've let nobody down but yourself.
and nobody got you the three days but you yourself.

the fact that determination wasn't enough is something positive to grapple with. i had to do it over and over, since it was unbelievable to me that determination alone wouldn't get the job done, so to speak.

if you can't/don't want to be in social situations without drinking, then you have two options, only one of which includes sobriety.
there IS the option of socializing and "having a social life" without you drinking, but if you don't want that, then you've set the game up so that you'll....play this one out to the end, Kys, and see where it takes you.
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