I am just dumbfounded
One day at a time
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Finally in reality
Posts: 67
I am just dumbfounded
My xbf is driving me crazy and into codependency.
He has been using other phone numbers to contact me and it's grating on me. He is basically begging to see me, he wants to have "closure" and he wants to have sex obviously...I hung up. He came to my home, he asked to talktto me and asked me to just "give him" this one last thing. He says afterward that we just won't talk we'll sort of just not talk until he's recovered, as in worked the 12 steps using a support system etc.
I can't shake the thought that I want to just give up and give him what he wants so that he'll just leave me be.
It's sick. And I hate it.
I've done everything in my power to NC. What else is there?
I just don't know what I'm doing.
He has been using other phone numbers to contact me and it's grating on me. He is basically begging to see me, he wants to have "closure" and he wants to have sex obviously...I hung up. He came to my home, he asked to talktto me and asked me to just "give him" this one last thing. He says afterward that we just won't talk we'll sort of just not talk until he's recovered, as in worked the 12 steps using a support system etc.
I can't shake the thought that I want to just give up and give him what he wants so that he'll just leave me be.
It's sick. And I hate it.
I've done everything in my power to NC. What else is there?
I just don't know what I'm doing.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
And that is how I ended up marrying my exH. He nagged me, followed me, harassed me until it was easier to just give in. Unfortunately seeing him once won't break the cycle. It will just extend it. The only thing that eventually helped me was to use the broken record technique.
He would call and ask me something. Normally my answer was "No, I can't".
He would then beg. "No, I can't"
And beg and beg. "No, I can't"
Get angry and start shouting at me. I would keep the phone away from my ears and when I hear silence, I would just say "No, I can't".
Eventually he got the message and would put the phone down. Next time he phoned, same thing. The trick is to stay emotionless and not get drawn into the conversation, no matter what.
I learnt this many years ago on an Assertiveness Training course and it really works for people like that.
He would call and ask me something. Normally my answer was "No, I can't".
He would then beg. "No, I can't"
And beg and beg. "No, I can't"
Get angry and start shouting at me. I would keep the phone away from my ears and when I hear silence, I would just say "No, I can't".
Eventually he got the message and would put the phone down. Next time he phoned, same thing. The trick is to stay emotionless and not get drawn into the conversation, no matter what.
I learnt this many years ago on an Assertiveness Training course and it really works for people like that.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Can you let it go to message? Or just not answer?
This ends when you say it ends, the rest leaves him talking to the wind.
If you haven't tried live meetings, maybe give it a go. You may be surprised how much it can help you find your balance and your courage.
This cannot be easy for you, just don't give up on yourself.
Hugs
This ends when you say it ends, the rest leaves him talking to the wind.
If you haven't tried live meetings, maybe give it a go. You may be surprised how much it can help you find your balance and your courage.
This cannot be easy for you, just don't give up on yourself.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
You can have your telephone number changed. I did to get my AS's bill collectors to stop calling my house (he used to live with me).
If he comes to your house, I wouldn't open the door. I would just stand by it and say "Leave or I'll call the police." No matter what he says use the 'broken record technique' above or just call the police and ask to have him removed.
Good luck and hang in there.
Kari
If he comes to your house, I wouldn't open the door. I would just stand by it and say "Leave or I'll call the police." No matter what he says use the 'broken record technique' above or just call the police and ask to have him removed.
Good luck and hang in there.
Kari
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Let all calls go to voicemail and return them later.
Change your number if you want. (It's something I refuse to do because I've had mine for over ten years.)
Close all blinds and do not go to the door if he comes. Do not even acknowledge any of his attempts to contact you. For yourself, when he shows up put on headphones and play your favorite song or do something else positive to distract yourself.
If he bangs on the door too hard or too long, do call the police.
Every time you acknowledge him he is getting positive reinforcement and reason to keep trying. If you stop acknowledging, he might try harder for a bit but eventually he will back off and try less until finally stopping altogether.
Change your number if you want. (It's something I refuse to do because I've had mine for over ten years.)
Close all blinds and do not go to the door if he comes. Do not even acknowledge any of his attempts to contact you. For yourself, when he shows up put on headphones and play your favorite song or do something else positive to distract yourself.
If he bangs on the door too hard or too long, do call the police.
Every time you acknowledge him he is getting positive reinforcement and reason to keep trying. If you stop acknowledging, he might try harder for a bit but eventually he will back off and try less until finally stopping altogether.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
My AXBF is currently getting high so is not knocking at my door or calling. He does email occasionally. But he tried again and again and when he failed, he ran back to his DOC- heroin. It is sad. And it hurts to hear. But it is not surprising. Because he had no recovery. And when I finally said no more. He ran back to his true love-heroin. I imagine it will start again soon- the attempts to contact me. And with the knowledge that he has no recovery, I will not be there this time to catch him when he falls.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I changed my number. I was pretty adament about not changing it because I had it for ten years but I'm so glad I did. It helped me achieve peace and serenity. And I was able to send a simple text message to the people I wanted to have my new number. No big deal.
Also, reconsider that restraining order. Yes it's only for 32 hours... if he doesn't violate it. AND it sends a message loud and clear - NO CONTACT. And it sets a precendence for future stalking charges should he continue harassing you.
Because what he is doing is complete and total harassment and incredibly disrespectful to you. Seriously. Calling you for sex after you have repeatedly told him no. He's treating you like a POA. What a jerk.
Also, reconsider that restraining order. Yes it's only for 32 hours... if he doesn't violate it. AND it sends a message loud and clear - NO CONTACT. And it sets a precendence for future stalking charges should he continue harassing you.
Because what he is doing is complete and total harassment and incredibly disrespectful to you. Seriously. Calling you for sex after you have repeatedly told him no. He's treating you like a POA. What a jerk.
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