beeutybee

Hi Everyone,

I'll try and make my story brief so i can get to how I'm doing now. About 3 years ago when i was about 24 i had a horrible pain in my stomach that felt like a needle poking at your belly button and it was excruciating! horribly uncomfortable. I had no insurance and nothing over the counter was cutting it at all. I was totally naive to pills at the time. My mom suffering also seeing me in pain gave me a half of a 500 mg Vicodin and i just remember it knocking me out for a couple hours. I didn't feel a high at first or anything like that....i just knew it worked to take my pain and discomfort away and would make me sleepy. It stayed like this for about 4 days and i would ask my mom for half maybe one or twice a day. Then after is when i started feeling the effects that it had (the high). After that for about 2 years i took Vicodin every day....after a while my mom would tell me " we have to go to the doctor mija", but i would just shrug it off because i suppose i was already addicted. I started needing more and more because my tolerance was building up so what started off as a half of 500 mg. later by the second year it was taking 1 and a half of a 750 mg about 6 to 8 times a day. I thought life was fabulous during this time because i was always super social and going out and partying all the time....you know the whole early 20's thing. Anyway the point is i use to pop one in the morning the next day after partying and i felt like a million bucks! that to me at the time was a dream come true. I was on the fast track to success since i was 17 years old and at the time i was addicted to Vicodin i was 24 and had an AA in fashion design for FIDM, a bachelors degree in business administration, and was currently attending school for my MBA. Oh and i also had my dream job as a fashion designer for a prominent design house in Los Angeles. My life quickly came to a halt when just after her 66th birthday my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and was given a prognosis of 6 months to a year. My whole world came crashing down! my mom was my hero, my befriend, my HOME. She had such a good heart, gullible to a fault, and a mother figure to many people in my life. Being addicted made me be a person i hated because i lied all the time and stole the pills from her so she wouldn't think i was taking any. After her diagnosis is when things got worse! since she was diagnosed with liver cancer they immediately took her off of Vicodin ( which i was really nervous about...selfish i know). They then changed her pain meds to OXYCODONE....that was when my soul was taken from me. This past year has been an absolute blurry nightmare and also a blessing at the same time...which is such a weird mixture of emotions to explain. I was watching my mother die a slow, painful and there was nothing i could do about it. I started poppin oxycodone like no body's business and my tolerance increased along with hers and what started off now as two 5mg tablets a day, in a matter of 3 months turned into fifteen to twenty 30mg tablets a day. There was some days that i woke up knowing that i should have died in my sleep. That was the scariest part. I felt so selfish doing this knowing that my mom knew about what i was doing and that she was to sick to do anything about it. it made me a person i never knew i could be.....a scrupulous person. I left my whole life to take care of her....every minute of every day i was her caregiver to the end....and believe it or not i feel like i couldn't have done it without taking something to get me by and keep me numb so i could take care of her and see her getting weaker and more sick every day. My mom passed Dec. 14th of this year and its been the hardest gut wrenching thing to experience. Aside from her death literally a week later Dec.22 on her burial I had my last oxy. I had nothing else left from what given to her and i never purchased from a dealer....or even knew anyone who did that kind of stuff for thait matter. I had no choice but to quit....not by choice. The thing that kills me the most every day is that my mom left with that haunting worry that i was spiraling out of control with my addiction. I will never forgive myself for putting her through that. I read online that some people go to methadone clinics to detox and help with withdraws. I self medicated again and took methadone that was prescribed to my mother.....i didn't abuse but i suppose i self medicated...honestly i was scared of methadone. i only had about twenty 10mg pills that lasted about a week and a half. It honestly did help with withdrawals tremendously. Plus my brother who smokes week avidly told me that it would help with my anxiety which was sooooooo effin bad at the time! I smoked a ton but realized i didn't like the effects even though it did help with my appetite and anxiety tons. I stopped smoking after a week. Now I'm still struggling every day with the mental stuff, anxiety, killer headaches that wont go away, plus grief. Sometimes i feel so hopeless and desperate i just want to punch everything in sight!!! i cant sleep! always anxious! I feel like giving up sometimes and have even questioned my life.....which trust me i never thought i would do!! I suppose I'm just trying to get support on here and see if i can relate to anyone so i feel understood. Anyway wow this is so long i doubt anyone will even read this post! Anyone who answers thank you for sticking it out this long into my story and i would appreciate any feedback, support, or tips. Thank you and god bless

Spinach

Well you've got to choose your path now. Go talk to your Dr , then try be clean ,one day at ,as they say. Do it for you!
John.

Dee74

Welcome beeutybee

I'm very sorry for your loss.

You'll find a ton of ideas here and a lot of support though - SR helped me turn my life around after years of lurching from addiction to addiction.

It's great to have you join us

D