Am I A Fool?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
Am I A Fool?
Married 25 years, and ready to leave my husband.
He say's he's been clean off Perc's for over 8 months, and has "stayed clean"...but now when I see his bank account dwindling to a negative every month, and ask him why, he says "oh, I have been buying scratch tickets", or "I owe people money", or it's no big deal...ok $2,000 a month for "play money" is not a big deal?? When you are negative in your account, and then use your bank card for cigarettes only to incur another $35 fee...that is a problem! Also, he lies a lot, even about having a few drinks or when he "bought the bottle of voldka. I filed for divorce, but he tells me he will not lose me, and will make an effort to get better. Do I believe him? Just tell me the truth, am I a FOOL? I have made the divorce decision, but he is making me feel guilty about it.
He say's he's been clean off Perc's for over 8 months, and has "stayed clean"...but now when I see his bank account dwindling to a negative every month, and ask him why, he says "oh, I have been buying scratch tickets", or "I owe people money", or it's no big deal...ok $2,000 a month for "play money" is not a big deal?? When you are negative in your account, and then use your bank card for cigarettes only to incur another $35 fee...that is a problem! Also, he lies a lot, even about having a few drinks or when he "bought the bottle of voldka. I filed for divorce, but he tells me he will not lose me, and will make an effort to get better. Do I believe him? Just tell me the truth, am I a FOOL? I have made the divorce decision, but he is making me feel guilty about it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 95
Don't feel guilty. Don't believe him. He needs a wake up call. If he's squandering your money, then get out now. That's really bad. Though I went through a bad patch, I never jeopardized my ex's future financial security. Get away while you can. He doesn't love you. He wants to control you and you must get away.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
When I finally came to the painful decision to divorce my husband, he pulled out every manipulative tactic he could think of. Anything to kick me off balance and try to get me to reconsider my decision. The problem was that it took so long for me to finally come to the decision that once it was made, there was no turning back. It was a little too little....a little too late.
That was my experience. It was difficult. The guilt. The threats of suicide. The pleading and crying. It was very miserable.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. That's a long time to be married...25 years. Reach out to others to help support you through this. We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
That was my experience. It was difficult. The guilt. The threats of suicide. The pleading and crying. It was very miserable.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. That's a long time to be married...25 years. Reach out to others to help support you through this. We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Someone on this site once told me this about guilt....list all of the things that you feel guilty about. Then, look and see how your husband contributed to the situation.
As soon as I did that all of my guilt dissapated. I realized that all of the actions that I took were the direct results of his behaviors and choices.
I realized that I no longer needed to feel guilty for his transgressions.
Nonetheless...I do know how difficulty it is to leave someone that doesn't want you to leave. They will break out every promise in the book. So....this really helped me.... I told my ex that I needed to live separately to heal myself (the truth). During that time how he chose to behave would directly impact my choices regarding out relationship. He had the opportunity to grab hold of recovery, go to counseling, meetings, etc. The only thing that he did was start drinking, smoking pot, then on to crack....also started seeking out other women. And he wonders why I'm not willing to work on things with him?
There's nothing wrong with telling him that you are stepping back for a while to see how he choses to handle his life.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this but there is light on the other side. It can be done - and there are a lot of us here that are proof of that!
As soon as I did that all of my guilt dissapated. I realized that all of the actions that I took were the direct results of his behaviors and choices.
I realized that I no longer needed to feel guilty for his transgressions.
Nonetheless...I do know how difficulty it is to leave someone that doesn't want you to leave. They will break out every promise in the book. So....this really helped me.... I told my ex that I needed to live separately to heal myself (the truth). During that time how he chose to behave would directly impact my choices regarding out relationship. He had the opportunity to grab hold of recovery, go to counseling, meetings, etc. The only thing that he did was start drinking, smoking pot, then on to crack....also started seeking out other women. And he wonders why I'm not willing to work on things with him?
There's nothing wrong with telling him that you are stepping back for a while to see how he choses to handle his life.
I'm sorry that you are having to go through this but there is light on the other side. It can be done - and there are a lot of us here that are proof of that!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Johnston, RI
Posts: 16
Horriblethis you are not a fool. He is the fool. Throwing away his life for a high. Drugs are number one in his life and a relationship can't sustain that. When the spouse is lied to, stolen from, deceived in every way because of a lifestyle they like that doesn't include you, then it's time to get away from him. Your resentment will continue to grow. I don't know about yours, but I really don't have any hope that mine will kick the opiates. He thinks he's functioning and he's not. He loves the drugs first and foremost, you are second to that. It took me a really long time to realize that. Mine will stop (or say he did) then start back. I resent he turned my life into having to experience all that. All the research, all the talking about it, all the time and energy wasted on that crap is not fun. My life became all about him and his drugs and the losers he wanted to stay around. I am finally away from him. My mind still has all of that turmoil in there and I resent that too 
I am getting better though and so will you. Take care.
I am getting better though and so will you. Take care.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
His actions are telling you the truth, his words are a feeble attempt to deflect and confuse you. Trust your gut, I would say that the $$ is going to feed one of addictions.
My exabf, could switch addictions at the drop of a hat and money was the pathway.
Keep posting, it will help!
My exabf, could switch addictions at the drop of a hat and money was the pathway.
Keep posting, it will help!
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