stucna

Things started to break in our relationship 3 months ago. I didnt know that hes taking cocaine, not talking about that he is actually addicted. he is on it literally everyday. at some point all went to far and he told me that he is addicted and he was trying to deal with it by himself, but he cant without support of people that he loves. and he was actually asking me to stray with him. I never felt that reliefed! i love him with whole my heart, so i started to look for help. his moodynes gone worse and worse each day. and at some point we supposted to meet and talk about options of help and he told me that he is breaking up with me, he still loves me and he cant hurt me anymore. thatour relationship break too much. i tried to tell him everyday that i love him, support him, smile to him, tho i was really depressed about it. ofcourse im not sait, i let my emotions go too far once. After telling me we arent together anymore i started to cry and he kissed me, hugged me and we went to sleep together. the next day i have contacted my psychologist for help. and she said to play it cool, give few days and talk again. i done as she suggested. ive made him breakfast and coffee, gave morning hug and i said "lets think about it for couple of days, take a deap breath and have constructive converastion". he said theres no point as he already decided. but at the end he agreed to meet and talk about theraphy.
I need advice, how to play it good, how to behave, what to say. I feel that the most importand person in on the edge and our relationship as well.
what should i do? what should i say? is there a hope for us?

stucna

or do i have already lost him?

dollydo

He is an active user, not in recovery. Cocaine is a one serious, highly addictive drug. His disease has no cure. Left untreated, it will get worse. There is nothing you can do or say to make him seek recovery.

I know that you do not see it as a favor, but, IMO him letting you go is a very positive thing, for you. He, in the throws of addiction, has only one love...his DOC.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum, cynical one's blogs and Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie.

Sorry that you are so emeshed in his problem, however, you do have choices, even if he does not choose to get healthy, you can.

Lily1918

my guy said something very similar during his relapse. He seems to only want to be around me when he is sober. I would consider his opinion and his words to literally mean "I know I can't have you and my drug, I have to choose one or the other, and I am choosing the drug." this is very heartbreaking, and I am sorry for your pain. hugs.

stucna

yes he is active user! I believe he was on drug when he broke up with me. He was really calm and peacefull, when day after cocaine he is more anxiouse, depressed and angry. and at some point his nose started to go runny. when i asekd him he said he is sober.

i am really worry that he wont deal with it without support. one day he is asking for help, other day he is saying he is not addicted, he just had moment of crisis. i think he is sitting pretty deep in it.

i activly looked for help: i called helpline, contact psychologist, read books, suggested theraphy. he was really happy about it. he agree to try CBT. i am one of not to many people around him who doesnt take drugs. and he is pushing me away. But today he said he is not addicted and doesnt need help anymore. 2 weeks ago he bought 25g! 25!!!! When i talk to him he is getting really angry in a second. how should i convice him to get profesional help? i am really worry that he will kill himself...

Lily1918

it took me a long time to realize there is nothing I can do. He does not need my support. one day my guy woke up and drove down to the salvation army on his own and begged and begged to be put in the inpatient program. we had all been asking him to go to the free rehab for months to no avail. he said he had a dream for the first time in years and just woke up and walked out the door. It really is something that they have to find within themselves. I am sorry you are going through this. I am sorry there is nothing you can do. hugs to you! have you considered going to Al anon or Nar anon? they are support groups for people who have an addicted loved one. They really help me a lot.

stucna

Thanks Lilly1918, I am going for my first meeting on Wednesday. I just really need to talk to somebody. I have a psychologist friend, who is dealing proffesionaly with addicted. She is with me almost all the time on the phone. Its amazing how much her help let me understand his behaviour. Psychologist would be amazing help for him. Once he said he will try for a while by himself and if that wont help he will use psychologist that i have found for him. I even suggested if he will need we can go there tovether for every meeting.

I know about problem for 3 weeks only. Its still new and fresh and i am full of home. Hes been taking for 7 months, i want to write ONLY, but is there any only? its not the same person that i have met. Once he told me that he wouldnt be addicted if i were there for him... It hurts so much

Maylie

There is nothing you can do to help him. You can't make him realize he is an addict, your can't rationalize with him, and you can't make him stay with you. He is in denial and he isn't ready to deal with it yet. He might decide to seek recovery next week, next month, next year, or never. Either way, that is HIS to deal with, not you. The addict has to want recoery more than anything they have ever wanted in their entire lives, and until then, they will continue to use.

That being said, whether he dated or you not has nothing to do with if he will be able to get sober. You guys have been dating and 2 weeks ago he got 25 grams, so while we might think the only way our addict can get better is with us, we need to remember they have been with us and it hasn't made a difference. We are not the cure to addiction.

It could be breaking up with you for a bunch of reasons. In the end, you can't stop him from leaving and in reality, do you really want someone to stay when they don't want to be with you? Take this time to get help for yourself. Try to figure out why you feel so emeshed with his addiction and work through those inner issues.

stucna

* full of HOPE sorry guys, im not native english...

dollydo

Please read about codependency, you cannot do this for him, there is only one person that can save him....him. When and IF he is ready to seek recovery, he will do it, until then, all you are doing is spinning your wheels and upsetting yourself.

dasiydoc

My boyfriend has been using cocaine for a couple of years, but it was occasional use until a few months ago, then it turned to everyday. I think he had it in his head he wanted /needed to stop for a while, and tried a few time and failed without telling me. Then he decided to admit to me he had a problem, and he began to look up treatment options on his own. He decided on CBT too. It took him a while to work up the courage to go see a Dr. He has had 3 appointments now. He was clean 8 days and slipped. I posted about it here. He is going to have to make the decision on his own, and be willing to go through the pain of getting free. Cocaine affects the dopamine chemicals in the brain and they are the pleasure centers for emotions. My boyfriend gets anxious, depressed, moody. I think he also feels sometimes like he is disappointing me, or that I will think he is a failure and that hurts him. He had not been angry at me, but he gets angry at himself, and grumpy. Your boyfriends mood will probably change on its own, without you doing anything. He may be pushing you away in part because he feels guilty, or like he is failing you and he cant take the pressure. I would do as your doing. Let him take the lead on what he needs to do. Realize if he doesn’t want to stop then he wont. Don’t put up with him treating you poorly, doesn’t matter If he is using drugs and thinks that is an excuse. He isn’t thinking clearly. You have to look out for yourself. I think your doing the right thing in being open to talking to him, listening to him. I would encourage him to try the therapy, but not push him. He has to be ready for it.

stucna

Yes Dollydo, i started to read about copendency before i started to look for addiction help. Before I knew about drugs I was reacting weird and i was aware of it, but i coulnt control it. So i was calling him all the time, i got possesive and stubborn i needed to know whats going on. And i was never in my entire life like that. Ive got Mellody Beattie book, the one you posted before. Its amazing. It made me realize so much! And I am goiing for Alanon meeting on wednesday. Im really excited about it.

dollydo

"Its amazing. It made me realize so much! And I am goiing for Alanon meeting on wednesday. Im really excited about it."

Good for you! Keep us posted!

stucna

Dasidoc your story is exactly same as mine! My boyfreind started the same, ocasionaly over the weekend and then it become daily basic. Its incredible how it works for their character. He think he is ok as hes not on drug hunger (after week of being clean) but I can see he is not mentaly ok. He is so depressed, ignoring everybody in his life., keeping his phone off. And he is still telling me that he loves me, but second after he will get annoyd with something really tiny. And i know its dictated by drugs demaged.

how you talking to your boyfriend about that?

stucna

Will do Dollydo, that book made me realize whats going on and why i am behaving so weird. Everytime I wanted to controll my boyfriend I was reading one chapter and that was bringing me back to earth. I just know it wasnt me.

dasiydoc

Mostly giving him space, and not letting small things bother me because I know he is not feeling well. When he was actively using, he seemed to be more stable. I think he used just enough to keep his mood sort of stable. And I know he binged some, but I think he tried to do it when I wasn’t around. We are not together 24/7 because we both work. Right now we also are not living together full time, so whenever he gets in some funk then I just say, well Im going home & I step away. Now that he is trying to stop, he is very moody. He keeps it together at work and then when he gets home of course that is when he feels like he can let loose on the emotions that have built up during the day. He has been trying to use exercise to help him, and that seems to work. He has been crying part of the time, then he gets angry, anxious, and will tell me he needs to be alone. I posted one day about how it was sort of like me when I get PMS! I suggest you don’t engage him when he is in a bad mood and looking for anything to set him off. Just give him space and step away to do something else. Im new to all these mood swings, so Im figuring it out as I go. One thing I know is that it has nothing to do with me, and that is a big relief ! Im just as wonderful as I always was… its all him and his PMS!

stucna

thats amazing advice Daisy, than you.

Are you talking to him about addiction. How you run the converstion so any of you wont lose your temper?

dasiydoc

Saw your post on my other thread. I wouldnt assume he has been using. My boyfriends moods have got worse since he stopped using. It takes a while for the brain to regulate after it is used to having the drugs stimulating them. Now they are crying out for more stimulation ! Without the drug is when my boyfriend gets more depressed, anxious, moody, grumpy. That is why it is so hard for him not to pick it up again.. if he starts to use then all those symptoms get better short term. But I remind him, he needs to think long term, not immediate satisfaction.

stucna

I need to remember you cant quit addiction in one week.

Yeah i have learned lots about cocaine as well, i think i read so much in past month that i have become specialist as well.

I keep on showing support to my boyfriend even now after breaking. we talked twiece and it was ok... i want to tell him that i understand all his emotions and behaviours, im just waiting for proper moment...

are there any moments when your boyfriend react normal? i havent seen it with mine for couple weeks. he is so depressed, nothuing makes him happy...

dasiydoc

I try to remember that his using drugs is something very personal to him. That there are reasons inside him that made him start using, and those things run deep. To me it is kinda like dieting. If you are overweight and you know you need to lose weight, the last thing you want is your boyfriend constantly talking to you about how you need to lose weight, analyzing what you are eating, and telling you that you should be doing this and doing that & problem solved. That would not help me because I would feel resentful of his obsession over my weight and like he was constantly criticizing me.

If there were issues inside me that caused me to use food to make myself feel better, then I need to work on those issues at the same time as Im changing my eating behaviors and exercising. But Im the only one that can do those things. My boyfriend can encourage me, listen to me, talk gently to me, exercise with me, go for walks with me, even bring home healthy food. But he cant make me do the work. When I talk to my boyfriend about his addiction, I try to think of it sort of like that, and draw lines where I think they are appropriate.

Think about why you get angry. Is it because you are afraid? frustrated with his behavior not being what you want or expect? Or because he is treating you bad? Thinking about these things helps me too.