fluffyflea

Hi All,

I guess GOD is sending me a message because there have been a few messages on here in the last few days about detaching from the A.

It,s time for me to do some detaching from mine. Changing things in my life so I build an emotional safety net for myself. It;s always the same merry go round I put too much on him for my happiness. And I,m gut wrenching tired of the merry go round.

Instead of feeling hopeless and a loser for being where I am I should be giving myself pats on the back for dealing with a very difficult person and I very difficult situation.

My happiness needs to come first.

fluffyflea

Oh and my other thought is No one can beat me as well as I can myself with the emotional flogger.

Tuffgirl

Great point, earthworm. When is the last time any of us gave ourselves credit where it was due?

So yes, pat yourself on the back! You deserve it!
~T

Recovering2

When I first started working on detaching, it was hard. I was so imbedded in unhealthy behaviors, I had to make a conscious effort to stop. I would hear my counselor in my head..."STOP counting bottles!". Easier said than done. But he was right, there was no purpose to it.

Even though my BF was still active in his drinking, my life did start to get better. I started to make plans after work. Would meet a girlfriend for dinner, go to the gym, go to AlAnon, etc. Anything so I didn't have to go right home every night. I would say hello when I got home, but didn't try to engage in conversation. If he was asleep on the couch, I didn't wake him to go to bed...I left him on the couch. When he tried to pick fights.....I would not engage. I started to enjoy some "me" time. It made being at home a little easier....but it drove him crazy! He noticed the change in my behavior, and tried harder to pull me back in. My counselor had warned me that A's want attention...even negative attention is better than none....so he would likely amp up the negative crap initially. That's exactly what happened, but I was able to recognize it and remained detached.

It worked for me. My BF is now 3 months into his recovery. Did my detachment help him make that decision? I have no idea. I didn't do it for him, I did it for me. I started on my path and didn't worry about his. Now in his recovery, that detachment helps me remember to stay on my side of the street and let him work his own program.

I think for some detachment may have a negative connotation. But it's actually a very positive step in self care. I hope it works for you.

fluffyflea

How do you detach from someone you love?

LexieCat

To me, detaching means being neither in controlling mode nor in reacting mode. Kind of like being in neutral gear. Your actions and attitudes are not dependent on what the alcoholic is doing, however insane they may be (violence excepted).

You stop enabling, arguing, accepting blame. You consider the source of any crazy things said by the alcoholic and recognize that you don't have to engage with him.

It takes a lot of practice, and none of us does it perfectly all the time.

ODAT63

I think detaching is no feeling responsible for fixing someone, or feeling responsible for how they act, react or do, is more like accepting that they have choices and consequences, to give them the dignity to live their own life and if I can do the same with my life then I can love myself and others.

CentralOhioDad

I don't know! I'm working on detachment from AW - and it seems that the love went out the door awhile back. So - gained detachment, lost love.

Crazed

Not thread jacking, but I am so struggling with this right now. As you may have read my EXAG, got arrested on Thursday. I know she is looking at sanctions from work, severe financial impact, loss of license, legal consequences, etc. I am assuming she will have mandated rehab or lose job.

How do I detatch, and let things play out, when I KNOW she is now in the worst, most unsafe situation she can possibly be in? While I know that I cannot control her drinking, I know that with her living alone, isolated, guilt-ridden, depressed, and with the fear of losing EVERYTHING, she WILL drink. It will most likely happen the day before her court appearance (seen it several times before). Her family is angry that I am leaving her by herself, as they ALSO know her pattern of behaviour, and are afraid she will drink herself to death like her mother.

How do you all do it?

JansSushiBar

I began detaching from AH nearly a year ago. It wasn't a conscious decision, I just decided that I wasn't going to allow myself to get angry at/with him anymore, since it did absolutely no good whatsoever - it just stressed me out and gave him a reason to become verbally abusive. That means ignoring him a great deal, because so much of his behavior is alcohol-fueled.

Like Recovering2 said, alcoholics crave attention, even if it's negative, and he began complaining we no longer communicate and have nothing in common anymore (he's not completely wrong, either). After many of these complaints I began to communicate with him by telling him how much he drinking has affected our relationship and if we're not communicating, he needs to take care of the process on his end. Then he immediately said I needed to "support" him.

So, I've stopped asking him how much he's had to drink (he won't tell the truth, anyway), stopped smelling his breath, stopped searching for hidden bottles, stopped checking the levels in the bottles that are still in the liquor cabinet. It's been pretty liberating, to be perfectly honest, and he thinks I believe he's really "trying." It's a small price to pay for a little sanity and peace of mind.

FireSprite

This is pretty much the way I understand detachment. Neutral gear, like Lexie said.

Crazed, when I laid awake at night with these kinds of thoughts I had to keep reiterating to myself that the results of AH's actions were HIS OWN consequences to deal with & I finally realized that the pressure I was feeling was really coming from inside ME..... that feeling like I had to fix all of these problems even when I wasn't creating them & going so far out of my way to avoid them. Codieness at it's finest. He certainly wasn't laying awake worrying about the problems he was creating for me, so why did I have to feel the need to fix everything for him?? If she chooses to drink herself to death, that is HER choice. If she chooses to commit to sobriety, also HER choice. She HAS choices. How can you be responsible for her sobriety?

I am not responsible for his decisions OR resulting consequences. That's what I chanted to myself like a mantra over & over & over again until it sunk down. That was a hard nut to crack since I can financially or otherwise still ultimately be affected since we are married & had (at the time) joint accounts.

JansSushiBar

You begin by understanding that you swooping in to "rescue" her won't change any of those things. Understand that there's nothing you do - or don't do - will change or help her. I know you've been told these things, but you need to truly UNDERSTAND them.

Recovering2

Crazed, I'm sorry for your situation. But part of detachment is allowing someone to experience the natural consequences of their choices. If we continue to step in and take care of things when they're in trouble, then that always remains the expectation. Detaching doesn't mean you don't love the person. I always loved my BF. But I made a conscious choice to let him decide his path. If that meant jail, legal troubles, etc....that would be his choice. Your EXAGF can pick herself up and choose a new path if she wants....or she can blame you for not stepping in and fixing what she has created.

She's your EX. If her family wants to continue to enable her disease, then let them do it. You are not saving her from anything if you step back in. Maybe this experience will wake her up...maybe not. Either way, you can't do anything about it. I thought you were no contact, am I wrong about that?

Crazed

We are no contact, and that is what is killing me. I know her patterns, and her behaviors. Her 2-week AA sponsor does not. I just do not want to see a tragedy, which I feel is in the making.

LexieCat

Wait a minute, Crazed. You said mandatory rehab was one of the possible results from her job. It might very well be a result of the court proceedings, too.

Exactly how is that a bad thing?

And it seems to me that your rushing to her side every time she has a crisis hasn't done a darned thing to help her, has it? Hasn't it gotten worse, every single time? So what makes you think this time would be different? You go through your rescuer routine and next time she gets behind the wheel and kill someone? Or herself?

Recovering2

Don't let your ego get in the way of thinking that her "2 week" AA sponsor doesn't get this. The fact that this person is a sponsor means they've likely seen much of this before. Could be that the sponsor knows to let her make her own decisions, and isn't going to rescue. In that case, the sponsor DOES know better than you. If you're no contact, you should probably go no contact with her family as well. You need to work on you, let her choose her own path. It may not be the path you would wish for her, but it's hers. Maybe this most recent trouble will actually save her...but not if she gets rescued out of it.

fluffyflea

Let her sink Crazed,it,s the only hope she has of getting to a bottom.

fluffyflea

I guess I have alot on my mind. I,m in therapy right now to deal with some stuff.

My issues go deep, I like that reading on shame,it really fits.

The thing that is bothering me is MY reaction when we have difficulties. It,s like it brings up every hurtful experience from growing up in an alcoholic crazy family. So my reaction goes from what is happening in the present to just everything from the past.

I don ;t know if I should detach from the relationship or what,just step back a bit.

Crazed

Thanks all. Really not trying to rescue.... Just trying to make sure she doesnt get hurt.

..... I guess that is rescuing.

I really wish i didn't give a sh!t about this woman.

LexieCat

Detaching doesn't mean leaving, or splitting up, EW.

It just means not letting yourself get sucked into the self-created whirlwind of insanity they have running 24/7.

It doesn't mean walking around totally ignoring the alcoholic when he's NOT being insane. Think of detachment as sort of putting on a set of super-armor, where the words (the crazy ones) just kind of bounce off you harmlessly. Think of it as a "pass" that allows you to refuse to play the crazy-games.

I used to make up mental lists for the standard behaviors, and when the alcoholic started with #21, I'd say to myself, yup, there he goes with #21, right on schedule. Now we'll have the #33 dismount, where he exits the room, slamming the door. Judges? Ohh, yes, that dismount is a 9.5! (Sometimes if you get really creative in your head you can struggle not to laugh.) That's what detachment is.