Just Filed for Divorce - please share your experience!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
Just Filed for Divorce - please share your experience!
I have been married for 25 years. Throughout those years hubby has been an addict, but not so severe since 2006...and spiraled since then. I love him, so I did the "better for worse thing" and we separated on two different occasions with my stipulation of him getting himself well, but that i wouldn't be able to take it much longer. We went to counseling, he took suboxone and is STILL on seraqual. Things were better for a while, but then I begin to find things that he has done with our financials, etc. As anyone who is married to an addict know, you become a "detective" simply because trust is so hard to get back. Over the last three months, he has been lying, taking money, and supposedly now into gambling, replacing one addiction for another, and spending just as money as he would have on pills. He has also been drinking (not excessive), but addicts aren't supposed to drink! Yes, money is a real issue, but I think the the lying and the manipulation is worse. He says he hasn't been using, but I don't believe him. I can't believe a word he says. How does someone take out several withdrawals per day totaling over $1000, and nothing to show for it. Anyway, NOW is my time to take my life back and start MY recovery...because he is physically making me ill. He keeps calling me and telling me that "I have given up on him", and he threatens that is isn't going to "make it the next six months"..."he won't survive without me"....everything in the book to make me feel bad. I am so tired, and so torn. Does this ever really work out for anyone??? Will the divorce be an end to all, or do addicts get better? Will I ever be able to trust him again. His whole thing right now is about how he is "losing his marriage", but instead he should be focused on getting himself well and prove SOMETHING to me, instead of just talk! I mean if you give everything to someone, and it's not enough, aren't you giving it to the wrong person? Any advice out there would be so much help to me. Thank you. 
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I don't have any advice. I can only share my own experience, strength and hope.
I divorced my XAH after five years of marriage. I knew within six months that I had made a terrible mistake but I felt that marriage was forever. I made my proverbial bed....and it was my responsibility to lay in it. My XAH told me that if I ever left him, he would kill himself. It was like being married to a 12 year old. A prepubesent boy who was either sullen, high, arguing or just rebellious. He didn't work and felt it was ok to spend the money I made on drugs or beer. He wouldn't take care of our infant son because he "wasn't a babysitter" and brought some very scary people to our home.
When the fear of staying with him became greater than the fear of leaving......I divorced him.
Two years later, I met my "now" husband. We've been married for 27 years. I am happy. On the other hand, my XAH who said he would kill himself if I left him 30 years ago.....is still alive......still addicted. He is angry and resentful and blames all of his troubles on anyone and anything around him. He has never been able to hold a job for very long and now hasn't worked for several years (to the best of my knowledge). His sister, who is in her mid-60's, pays for his apartment, food, etc. She is his codependent. He is holding her hostage with threats of suicide. These threats have held someone (first me, then his second wife, and now his sister) hostage for 30+ years. People do what works for them.
Take care of you......
gentle hugs
ke
I divorced my XAH after five years of marriage. I knew within six months that I had made a terrible mistake but I felt that marriage was forever. I made my proverbial bed....and it was my responsibility to lay in it. My XAH told me that if I ever left him, he would kill himself. It was like being married to a 12 year old. A prepubesent boy who was either sullen, high, arguing or just rebellious. He didn't work and felt it was ok to spend the money I made on drugs or beer. He wouldn't take care of our infant son because he "wasn't a babysitter" and brought some very scary people to our home.
When the fear of staying with him became greater than the fear of leaving......I divorced him.
Two years later, I met my "now" husband. We've been married for 27 years. I am happy. On the other hand, my XAH who said he would kill himself if I left him 30 years ago.....is still alive......still addicted. He is angry and resentful and blames all of his troubles on anyone and anything around him. He has never been able to hold a job for very long and now hasn't worked for several years (to the best of my knowledge). His sister, who is in her mid-60's, pays for his apartment, food, etc. She is his codependent. He is holding her hostage with threats of suicide. These threats have held someone (first me, then his second wife, and now his sister) hostage for 30+ years. People do what works for them.
Take care of you......
gentle hugs
ke
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
I was married to an addict for 5 years and my divorce was final only about a month and a half ago... I took separated from my husband 2 years prior with the hopes that he would go to rehab and get himself straightened out.. He went to detox, played around with recovery just long enough for me to give him a second chance and then spiralled down that rabbit hole again..
My EXAH was also on suboxone and seraquill for about two years.. It did nothing for him in fact I would say it made the situation worse.. He also drank because his reasoning was that he was an addict not an alcoholic :/
To make a long story short.. He started spending all of his money on drugs and physically assaulted me when he was high... The latter was the last straw.. I filed for divorce and never looked back.. It was hell getting him out of my house because he had no where to go.. Fortunately we had no children and I had separated our finances when we separated the first time so untying the strings was quite simple for me..
I will say this.. The divorce was harder then I thought.. I knew I was doing the right thing but I did and still do mourn the loss.. But... I'm soooo much happier and so much more at peace now that I'm no longer living with an addict.. I cannot tell you how good it feels to just come home and not have to worry about whether he is going to give me enough money to pay the rent.. I can have friends over now and not have to worry if he is going to show up high or not...
Take things one day at a time.. Look pain in the face and walk right through it
My EXAH was also on suboxone and seraquill for about two years.. It did nothing for him in fact I would say it made the situation worse.. He also drank because his reasoning was that he was an addict not an alcoholic :/
To make a long story short.. He started spending all of his money on drugs and physically assaulted me when he was high... The latter was the last straw.. I filed for divorce and never looked back.. It was hell getting him out of my house because he had no where to go.. Fortunately we had no children and I had separated our finances when we separated the first time so untying the strings was quite simple for me..
I will say this.. The divorce was harder then I thought.. I knew I was doing the right thing but I did and still do mourn the loss.. But... I'm soooo much happier and so much more at peace now that I'm no longer living with an addict.. I cannot tell you how good it feels to just come home and not have to worry about whether he is going to give me enough money to pay the rent.. I can have friends over now and not have to worry if he is going to show up high or not...
Take things one day at a time.. Look pain in the face and walk right through it
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Boopville
Posts: 122
Originally Posted by Kindeyes 
I don't have any advice. I can only share my own experience, strength and hope.
I divorced my XAH after five years of marriage. I knew within six months that I had made a terrible mistake but I felt that marriage was forever. I made my proverbial bed....and it was my responsibility to lay in it. My XAH told me that if I ever left him, he would kill himself. It was like being married to a 12 year old. A prepubesent boy who was either sullen, high, arguing or just rebellious. He didn't work and felt it was ok to spend the money I made on drugs or beer. He wouldn't take care of our infant son because he "wasn't a babysitter" and brought some very scary people to our home.
When the fear of staying with him became greater than the fear of leaving......I divorced him.
Two years later, I met my "now" husband. We've been married for 27 years. I am happy. On the other hand, my XAH who said he would kill himself if I left him 30 years ago.....is still alive......still addicted. He is angry and resentful and blames all of his troubles on anyone and anything around him. He has never been able to hold a job for very long and now hasn't worked for several years (to the best of my knowledge). His sister, who is in her mid-60's, pays for his apartment, food, etc. She is his codependent. He is holding her hostage with threats of suicide. These threats have held someone (first me, then his second wife, and now his sister) hostage for 30+ years. People do what works for them.
Take care of you......
gentle hugs
ke
I divorced my XAH after five years of marriage. I knew within six months that I had made a terrible mistake but I felt that marriage was forever. I made my proverbial bed....and it was my responsibility to lay in it. My XAH told me that if I ever left him, he would kill himself. It was like being married to a 12 year old. A prepubesent boy who was either sullen, high, arguing or just rebellious. He didn't work and felt it was ok to spend the money I made on drugs or beer. He wouldn't take care of our infant son because he "wasn't a babysitter" and brought some very scary people to our home.
When the fear of staying with him became greater than the fear of leaving......I divorced him.
Two years later, I met my "now" husband. We've been married for 27 years. I am happy. On the other hand, my XAH who said he would kill himself if I left him 30 years ago.....is still alive......still addicted. He is angry and resentful and blames all of his troubles on anyone and anything around him. He has never been able to hold a job for very long and now hasn't worked for several years (to the best of my knowledge). His sister, who is in her mid-60's, pays for his apartment, food, etc. She is his codependent. He is holding her hostage with threats of suicide. These threats have held someone (first me, then his second wife, and now his sister) hostage for 30+ years. People do what works for them.
Take care of you......
gentle hugs
ke
Dear God I think I was married to your son if not it must be his cousin. I went through all these types of mentally abusive tactics with my ex for eight years. He actually enjoyed coming clean with me because that meant he didn't have to hide it anymore. His addictions just became another form of abuse and I just waited for him to self destruct. Why? Because I knew he wouldn't listen to me or anyone else.
He would threaten to shoot himself in the head and I was just so sick and tired of being sick and tired I just finally said "Fine stop talking about it and just do it if your going to. Just have the decency to go outside into the woods so that the kids don't have to come home and see your brains splattered all over the walls" Yes that was cruel to say to him but after that he stopped that crap with me. I am amazed he is alive today 10 years later. I long ago realized that people like him will live forever if nothing other than to simply torture the rest of us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Massachusetts (south shore)
Posts: 125
Thank you all for your advice and sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it. My husband has been texting me all day, insinuating that he is not going to live much longer. He tells me he can't and won't live without me. Instead of figuring out what he is going to do to FIX HIMSELF by getting real help (inpatient), instead of just going to meetings which apparently are useless, he just continues to "beg me" to give him the chance and love him like he loves me...err this is so aggravating! He is making me so darn resentful! I don't know what else to say to him to get through to him - he is just not getting it. He thinks I should just take him back, and that he will be a new man "he promises". God help me.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Johnston, RI
Posts: 16
Your husband is gaslighting you. He needs someone to care about him and as soon as you start showing you care he will suck you back into the crazyness of his drug addiction. I've spent the last eight years in hell with my drug addict husband, the one I loved like no other. I had no idea when I married him he had this problem and it's been a nightmare. I finally am away from him and living in another state with family members. I have nothing! He and I did not acquire anything. Life was all about him and his addiction and his ex-wife's addiction (they have 3 children). I was the evil step mother in their eyes. The result of the last eight years is the ex is in a group home never able to take care of herself again because of a drug overdose that fried her brain, my husband a full fledged addict that can't live without the pills, three kids, one of whom is 23 and still living at home without a job and no education, the other two are twins girl/boy who turned 18 in September, the girl has 7 credits and thinks she's going to graduate in June and the other is a Special Ed kid who is doing remarkably well in school and will graduate in June. My husband treats his daughter like a girl friend instead of a daughter and the last straw with me is when I discovered a few months ago he was getting her to get weed from her boyfriend and he and she would spend the day going in and out of the house, smoking together. I don't have any advice for you except be strong and don't let him suck you back into his crazyness. He has to want a different way of life and you cannot love him into that. So sorry you're having this trouble in your life. I wish I could erase the memory of what I lived through with mine.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by horriblethisis
Thank you all for your advice and sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it. My husband has been texting me all day, insinuating that he is not going to live much longer. He tells me he can't and won't live without me. Instead of figuring out what he is going to do to FIX HIMSELF by getting real help (inpatient), instead of just going to meetings which apparently are useless, he just continues to "beg me" to give him the chance and love him like he loves me...err this is so aggravating! He is making me so darn resentful! I don't know what else to say to him to get through to him - he is just not getting it. He thinks I should just take him back, and that he will be a new man "he promises". God help me.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Hello. I'm sorry you are going through this. Not sure if I can offer any advice but I can share from my own experience. My divorce was finalized in Oct. to a man I was married to for 15 years. My xAH became an addict after surgery in 2006 to oxycodone. I tried to stay for the better and worse too. I rationalized all the reasons why I couldn't leave. I stayed b/c " I didn't want to ruin my children's lives" with a divorce. I too became a detective. I too became as sick as the addict. In May of last year the reality of addiction hit me dead on when the police showed up at my door b/c they found fake prescriptions on him. My xAh was a high functioning addict that maintained a job, coached little league, very active in kids lives. He too tried exactly what you describe is happening to you. I reached a point that I became more afraid of staying than leaving. I realized that there is nothing I can do to change what happens to him - only he or his HP is that powerful. By staying I endangered my children's safety and welfare. By staying I allowed his addiciton to destroy us financially. I'm sure there are some folks that make it. My xAH rarely sees his children for his supervised vists now; he has lost his job and is living with his mom. The only advice that I can give is to get yourself help emotionally - you will need it regardless of what path you take. Take it one day at a time and trust your instincts. You do not have to make any decisions today and it's OK to change your mind. Just focus on what you can change and have a positive impact on - YOU. I wish you all the best.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Originally Posted by horriblethisis
Thank you all for your advice and sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it. My husband has been texting me all day, insinuating that he is not going to live much longer. He tells me he can't and won't live without me. Instead of figuring out what he is going to do to FIX HIMSELF by getting real help (inpatient), instead of just going to meetings which apparently are useless, he just continues to "beg me" to give him the chance and love him like he loves me...err this is so aggravating! He is making me so darn resentful! I don't know what else to say to him to get through to him - he is just not getting it. He thinks I should just take him back, and that he will be a new man "he promises". God help me.
Don't let his bs make you question yourself. Who is killing who here?
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