Denial

Old 02-02-2013, 02:37 PM
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Denial

So I was talking to a guy at work, who happens to go to AA meetings.

A woman at work got in an argument with her husband the night before about stuff, and he was going on and on, and the things he said were absolute complete LIES! (I thought I was the only one who argued about who the insane one in the relationship was, guess not.)

Anyway. I was talking about how is it that alcoholics can be in denial so much from reality? I know that is one of the hallmarks of addiction, but how can someone actually BELIEVE all the lies coming out of their mouth?

I don't mean about drinking, but about everything else. Does it ever go away? Living in a fantasy world like that, seems...I don't know.

It's ridiculous though, you sit there and argue with someone not because they want to argue but because they actually believe it.

So what do you do? Walking away is good for you, but doesn't give them any better grasp on reality. Anyone else have this issue?
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Old 02-02-2013, 02:51 PM
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Sometimes they believe what they are saying, other times it's just something to do--the arguing, I mean. Sometimes it's just so they can have the person they are arguing with tied up in knots. It's another diversionary tactic, intended to keep the focus on anything but what they have to protect--the drinking.

Big waste of time arguing with someone like that.
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Old 02-02-2013, 02:53 PM
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Oh my gosh yes! I have gone in circles about things I know are absolutely untrue but he really, really believes them. Then I start to doubt myself. I guess the denial is built on lies they have to maintain?
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Old 02-02-2013, 02:59 PM
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He ACTS like he really, really believes them. Whether he does, who knows?

It really doesn't matter--for your purposes it's irrelevant. It takes two to go in circles like this. Step out of the game.
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Old 02-02-2013, 03:05 PM
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I don't argue anymore. I record it and play it back.

That's actually what the friend at work was arguing with her husband about, because I told her to do it, but he found out and said she was illegally taping him. I said you have to warn him beforehand, because he's too drunk to remember, and as long as you say you are recording it, it's legal!

I do it to prove a point. I believe she is doing it to use in court against him or something. I am also very mindful of the law, because you never know when you are going to need something like that.

It's just sad how they sit there and tell you how wrong you are, and you actually start to believe that you are the crazy one. And how they go all over the place talking to all kinds of people about what you do and how you are and all this. It's amazing how manipulative an alcoholic can be.
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Old 02-02-2013, 03:35 PM
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My AW has me so beat down in the last 15 years with all the things she says when she is drunk I jut don't know what to do anymore.Thanks for that post,,I feel better that this is something that alcoholics do.I know I am a good person.The things she says cut so deep.
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Old 02-02-2013, 04:02 PM
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I have learned to ignore it. Mostly. Sometimes I don't, and that's when I look back afterwards and know he got me.

I know denial is part of the disease. I also know it is easier to continue to deny something than to admit that you are wrong, you lied, whatever. I said something to him once, that I don't know whether he really doesn't know what he is doing or he is using it as an excuse. He said, probably a little bit of both.

The worst part of having a significant other who is not drunk all the time anymore is that they make so much sense when they are sober, and they make no sense at all when they are drunk. It was easier to dismiss everything when they were drunk all the time.

But I totally know what you mean about cutting deep. And I am no better myself, because I am one to hit him right back where it hurts myself. I lash out, because he hurts me. I am trying to stop it, because then it just fuels the drunken fire, and we both walk away feeling crazy.
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