New year, new month, new hope
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
New year, new month, new hope
So the last couple years sucked pretty bad, and last month was particularly hard. There were big disappointments in January. After nearly 2 weeks of sobriety while visiting family for the holidays, AH was back to drinking & lying & sneaking within hours of arriving back home. I had to last-minute cancel our mortgage refinance because AH was in a bad enough drunken stupor that I ended up monitoring him to make sure he was not in need of medical intervention.
But at some point in January, I came to a realization. Something needs to change. And if he doesn't do anything different, then I need to. I stopped locking up money & his ATM card - if he wanted to get booze, he'd find a way no matter what I did, and that was his choice. When he said his intensive outpatient sessions were cancelled due to counselor sickness, I knew he lied, but I didn't press or ask questions or fight with him about it. When I set a boundary of "you drink tomorrow & you don't sleep here tomorrow," I stuck with it & made him go to a motel. When it became clear that AH was on a severe spiral, I started talking with his sister regarding legal options & interventions. When it started to impact his work, I did plead with him briefly to get some work done, but I quickly gave up because I knew I couldn't make him do it & I knew he was too drunk to do it anyway.
Then he decided to go to rehab this week. He's only been in there 2 days, but I feel so much lighter. I'm really looking forward to this new month and setting new goals for myself. I'm doing what I can to be supportive of him on his path, but I need to find my own path as well. I need to work on my codie tendencies. I need to drop being such a perfectionist & a caretaker. And as my mother is now reminding me on a daily basis, I need to also put on a few pounds and get to a healthier weight.
It's not going to happen overnight. I have no illusions of that. It's not going to be puppies, sunshine, and rainbows every day, but I'm going to work on making each day as good as I can, learn what I can from the bad days, and try to use that knowledge to make the tomorrows better. Major steps for me are coming to these realizations. Early in January, I declared that while this may officially be the year of the snake, it's the year of ME. I'm going to do my damnedest to stick with that. And I have to say, if feels fantastic to have the support of my family. I never thought I would or could reach out to others for help, but I have. I'm still not at a point where I can really talk to all AH's family members & close friends who know that he's in rehab (I have been ducking calls from his aunt, grandmother, and a friend) - I'm still a little raw & I'm still healing, but I'll get there. Just not right now. For now, I rest. I heal. I just be. I have hope for the future, and that's something I haven't been able to honestly say for a very long time.
But at some point in January, I came to a realization. Something needs to change. And if he doesn't do anything different, then I need to. I stopped locking up money & his ATM card - if he wanted to get booze, he'd find a way no matter what I did, and that was his choice. When he said his intensive outpatient sessions were cancelled due to counselor sickness, I knew he lied, but I didn't press or ask questions or fight with him about it. When I set a boundary of "you drink tomorrow & you don't sleep here tomorrow," I stuck with it & made him go to a motel. When it became clear that AH was on a severe spiral, I started talking with his sister regarding legal options & interventions. When it started to impact his work, I did plead with him briefly to get some work done, but I quickly gave up because I knew I couldn't make him do it & I knew he was too drunk to do it anyway.
Then he decided to go to rehab this week. He's only been in there 2 days, but I feel so much lighter. I'm really looking forward to this new month and setting new goals for myself. I'm doing what I can to be supportive of him on his path, but I need to find my own path as well. I need to work on my codie tendencies. I need to drop being such a perfectionist & a caretaker. And as my mother is now reminding me on a daily basis, I need to also put on a few pounds and get to a healthier weight.
It's not going to happen overnight. I have no illusions of that. It's not going to be puppies, sunshine, and rainbows every day, but I'm going to work on making each day as good as I can, learn what I can from the bad days, and try to use that knowledge to make the tomorrows better. Major steps for me are coming to these realizations. Early in January, I declared that while this may officially be the year of the snake, it's the year of ME. I'm going to do my damnedest to stick with that. And I have to say, if feels fantastic to have the support of my family. I never thought I would or could reach out to others for help, but I have. I'm still not at a point where I can really talk to all AH's family members & close friends who know that he's in rehab (I have been ducking calls from his aunt, grandmother, and a friend) - I'm still a little raw & I'm still healing, but I'll get there. Just not right now. For now, I rest. I heal. I just be. I have hope for the future, and that's something I haven't been able to honestly say for a very long time.
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Oh, and I have to add...it was fantastic to sleep in my own bed last night! I woke up feeling good, and it was great to not wake up with a crick in my neck from sleeping on the pull-out couch. My neck & shoulders are almost always ridden with knots (gee, maybe stress?!) and they were in fine shape today. I didn't sleep all that much - I never really do on weeknights anyway and am also now getting up extra early for dog duty with AH away at rehab - but I swear, that was the best 5.5 hours of sleep I've gotten in YEARS.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Sounds like his rehab is your rehab, too!
Good for both of you--I know you don't have any illusions it will be a piece of cake when he gets home--even assuming he puts his whole self into recovery. So using this breather to get yourself together, healthy, and rested is a terrific idea.
Good for both of you--I know you don't have any illusions it will be a piece of cake when he gets home--even assuming he puts his whole self into recovery. So using this breather to get yourself together, healthy, and rested is a terrific idea.
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Thanks, LexieCat! I'm really going to try to use this time for my own recovery. There was a moment yesterday when I felt a bit guilty - I spoke with AH's counselor and she mentioned that if I wanted to try to do some family counseling, we could get started next Saturday if that fit with my schedule...I told her that my sister was visiting, so it probably wouldn't work out. I immediately felt terrible and imagined that she was judging me for not prioritizing my marriage/AH over my own needs/wants, but I'm slowly realizing that I can't be a slave to his recovery. I also have to try to live my own life.
I'm going to visit him today. I have to come in a little early for "family education" and then they feed us lunch & then it's visitation time. I'm a little nervous to see him for the first time since Wednesday morning. But I'm also looking forward to seeing him when I know for certain that he's sober. This will be day 4 of being sober for him, and now that I think of it, it's probably also day 4 of my own sobriety in a way! Freedom from alcohol in my life & my home is a great feeling.
Now if I could just get the dog to put on his own snowboots & walk himself, I'd be golden...
I'm going to visit him today. I have to come in a little early for "family education" and then they feed us lunch & then it's visitation time. I'm a little nervous to see him for the first time since Wednesday morning. But I'm also looking forward to seeing him when I know for certain that he's sober. This will be day 4 of being sober for him, and now that I think of it, it's probably also day 4 of my own sobriety in a way! Freedom from alcohol in my life & my home is a great feeling.
Now if I could just get the dog to put on his own snowboots & walk himself, I'd be golden...
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Just a heads-up, C, so you are prepared: though he may be glad to see you, day four is usually when we are still feeling whiny, shaky, scared, rather pathetic. And there's no booze to soften the edges of those feelings.
Just don't expect him to look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed the way you feel. That part comes much later.
If he complains and cries or whatever, just nod your head and say, "Uh-huh," "wow," "really?" and other noises to let him know you hear him. Try not to give any pep talks. Just tell him you're proud of him and you know it isn't easy. It's a slow process, no matter how ready someone is to recover they will be a PITA to be around for a while. Hence the blessing of rehab for YOU.
Just don't expect him to look bright-eyed and bushy-tailed the way you feel. That part comes much later.
If he complains and cries or whatever, just nod your head and say, "Uh-huh," "wow," "really?" and other noises to let him know you hear him. Try not to give any pep talks. Just tell him you're proud of him and you know it isn't easy. It's a slow process, no matter how ready someone is to recover they will be a PITA to be around for a while. Hence the blessing of rehab for YOU.
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Thanks, LexieCat. I just spoke with him a moment ago. He called to check in on me and make sure I was "prepared" for the visit. While he and his roommates are all there voluntarily, there are those there who in court-ordered rehab. He said there will be quite a variety of people there visiting today - some bring their kids, some are gang members, etc. Sounds like an, um, "interesting" mix of people!
He sounded pretty good. Again, I'm under no illusions that it will be sunshine, puppies, and rainbows and that he'll be his old self again. He's got a long way to go for that. But if he's sober and working on recovery, and if I get to see a glimmer of who he used to be, that will be encouragement enough.
As for me, I'm tuckered out and it's not even 10am! Got up & walked the dog, then I had to clean off the car since it snowed here last night...phew! Although it's cold out, it's warmer than it has been in days and I'm a little overheated from all that activity. I have to give the dog one more "piddle" walk before I go, since he'll be alone for a few hours while I'm out on the visit. I have a "want" list from AH - ear plugs (snoring roommate), extra phone card (since the one he has slaps on a $1+ charge for each call & it's running out), a book or two, some more smokes (so he doesn't run out before the next visitation time next week), his computer/mouse (approved by counselor), and his medical savings account debit card (turns out this stint will cost us a whopping $275 copay, not too shabby!).
Okay, guess it's about time for me to start getting myself together and do that dog walk. I'll check in later with an update on the visit. I'm a little apprehensive, but honestly, given what I've gone through over the course of the last 2+ years, I think I can handle this visit!
He sounded pretty good. Again, I'm under no illusions that it will be sunshine, puppies, and rainbows and that he'll be his old self again. He's got a long way to go for that. But if he's sober and working on recovery, and if I get to see a glimmer of who he used to be, that will be encouragement enough.
As for me, I'm tuckered out and it's not even 10am! Got up & walked the dog, then I had to clean off the car since it snowed here last night...phew! Although it's cold out, it's warmer than it has been in days and I'm a little overheated from all that activity. I have to give the dog one more "piddle" walk before I go, since he'll be alone for a few hours while I'm out on the visit. I have a "want" list from AH - ear plugs (snoring roommate), extra phone card (since the one he has slaps on a $1+ charge for each call & it's running out), a book or two, some more smokes (so he doesn't run out before the next visitation time next week), his computer/mouse (approved by counselor), and his medical savings account debit card (turns out this stint will cost us a whopping $275 copay, not too shabby!).
Okay, guess it's about time for me to start getting myself together and do that dog walk. I'll check in later with an update on the visit. I'm a little apprehensive, but honestly, given what I've gone through over the course of the last 2+ years, I think I can handle this visit!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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LOL, re the "interesting mix"--One of the lines from the BB says "We are people who would not ordinarily mix." That's actually one of the things I love about AA. The white-collar professionals hanging out and talking recovery stuff with the ex-cons and bikers and union guys. I have friends from literally every walk of life.
Some of those court-ordered guys may be there to game the system, but some of them want recovery and will grab onto it. And for others, it may plant a seed that will take some more drinking and drugging to flower.
LOL, I remember I was at an open AA meeting when this lady stood up at the beginning (when we invite any newcomers to introduce themselves). She launched into this five-minute ramble about why she was there, talking a lot about her husband. I finally got up and invited her into another room so we could talk further (much to the relief of everyone else at the meeting). It turned out that what she really needed was an Al-Anon meeting. But she also said that she hoped her husband could find a more "appropriate" meeting. Puzzled, I asked her what she meant. She leaned over and said, in a near-whisper, "There are BIKERS in this group!"
I bit the inside of my cheek so hard it almost bled. I tried to explain that everyone is there for the same problem. I don't think she understood at all what I was saying.
Some of those court-ordered guys may be there to game the system, but some of them want recovery and will grab onto it. And for others, it may plant a seed that will take some more drinking and drugging to flower.
LOL, I remember I was at an open AA meeting when this lady stood up at the beginning (when we invite any newcomers to introduce themselves). She launched into this five-minute ramble about why she was there, talking a lot about her husband. I finally got up and invited her into another room so we could talk further (much to the relief of everyone else at the meeting). It turned out that what she really needed was an Al-Anon meeting. But she also said that she hoped her husband could find a more "appropriate" meeting. Puzzled, I asked her what she meant. She leaned over and said, in a near-whisper, "There are BIKERS in this group!"
I bit the inside of my cheek so hard it almost bled. I tried to explain that everyone is there for the same problem. I don't think she understood at all what I was saying.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Aaaand I'm back! The visit went well. No one was scary, lol. BUT while I was waiting in the lobby for a counselor to come show me around, I was re-braiding now way too long and unruly hair, and a group of "clients" (as the facility calls them) walked by...one started saying, "ooooh, braid it up, braid it up!" Little weird, but I've had worse things said to me by random men passing by!
Anywho, I'm really happy I went early for the family meeting time. I was actually the only one there for the first 10 minutes or so, but folks started to filter in. It was a nice, small group - only 6 of us total to see 4 family members in rehab.
I connected with another visitor (her husband isn't an A but was there for other addictions) - we were the only ones there who were spouses of addicts. We exchanged numbers & email addresses. She was so happy to meet a WIFE of an addict - said she'd been to many meetings where she was the only spouse of an addict, and it's just a different kind of pain and burden for spouses than it is for other family members. NOTE: I'm not saying our pain is greater than parents/siblings/etc of A's & other addicts...it's just different when you have to live with *that thing* that has taken over your spouse, your home, and your life.
It was so good to get to sit & chat with a counselor & to share my story & to hear from others. When I was telling my/AH's story, I mentioned that I realized if I wanted change then *I* needed to change if he wouldn't, I started to set some boundaries & actually stick with them, I needed to stop being codependent & an enabler, etc. The counselor was actually impressed & asked where I got those ideas & terms, lol! (Thanks for the edumacation, SR!) He glommed onto the idea of needing to change if the A doesn't & said that if we change, then it's practically impossible for the A to not change, that they respond to that change, etc. I'm not sure about the "practically impossible" part, but it was good to get some validation that I'm on the right track to making me healthier & doing the "right things."
The counselor did a daily reading from an Al Anon book before we broke for lunch. He briefed us before we went into the lunch room that our loved ones may be in there, but that we (the family-of folks) would be sitting together to continue chatting over lunch...if our loved ones came over, we could say a brief hi, but this was OUR time and he would gladly & politely set boundaries if need be. Well, moments after I walked into the lunch room, AH wandered over & tapped me on the shoulder as I was talking to my new-found friend, interrupting as she was in the middle of talking. I politely said something to the effect of "Hi, good to see ya, um, I'll see you in a bit, nkay?" and I went back to talking with her. It was empowering in one moment, and then I felt super-guilty in the next. I think I finally cycled back to feeling okay about it, lol!
We visiting folks had our meal together (I didn't realize just how hungry I was!), chatted some more, got another reading, and then the counselor whipped out his phone and was all, "okay, now let's see how easy it is to find you folks an Al-Anon meeting...I'm just going to google 'find meeting al anon!'" It was pretty funny. He was very much pro Al-Anon, encouraging us all to go to find some support and guidance on finding our peace and serenity.
Honestly, if I got to leave at that point & not even see AH, I would have been fulfilled and encouraged and fine! It's not that I didn't want to see him, it's just that it was that good to be able to feel support & hope. The meeting time with AH went pretty well, too. It was a little weird at first. We hugged and held each other in he hug for a while. I wished him a happy belated birthday. I haven't seen him in four days, and it feels like forever and yesterday all at the same time. The last day he drank was Monday, so this was his 5th day of sobriety. At one point, he said, "ugh, I look like sh*t...or maybe I have looked like this for a while and I just haven't been able to see it?!" To me, he looked way better than he has in a very long time. His shakiness was pretty minimal - I don't remember the last time I saw his hands that steady. He did keep spacing out a little - staring past me & out the window as I chatted with him, and I had to keep pulling him back in to focus. Being on day 5, he's past most of the worst withdrawal, but he's still sweaty & flushed & is certainly having some issues with focus still, and he will in all likelihood have those issues for a while as his body chemistry re-calibrates. We're both aware that it may be a long time before he feels close to normal again - we both did research on PAWS. (And my interwebs research tells me that DTs & severe withdrawal issues can still set in 7-10 days after the last drink, so he's not quite out of the woods yet, although I'm not obsessing or freaking out about it.)
One thing I found interesting was that he kept mentioning & comparing himself to other clients there. Talking about how this person is a heroin addict, that person has it bad, so and so got kicked out because they found him with a bag of dope, this group of people are gang-bangers, even pointing to another person there visiting with his family. I told him to stop pointing, stop being rude, we all have our challenges & it's difficult for each & every one of us in the building, clients & visitors alike, and we just need to focus on ourselves & our own struggles. That kinda shut him up & shut down that path of conversation - he even apologized and reached out to hold my hand & said he was sorry & that he knew it was hard for me too. He is making good progress, but he's obviously got a ways to go and isn't quite ready to stop looking at others & where they are rather than just looking inward to where he is in his journey.
We met for close to 2 hours. He updated me on what his days have been like, and I updated on what I've been up to. He asked me what we talked about in the family-of meeting time, and I just very nonchalantly said something like, "well, stuff, we shared our stories & whatnot." He seemed happy that I went & met with others who are also struggling with the weight of addicts in their lives. It was really good to see a glimpse of the real him and not the A. It's encouraging to know that he's still in there somewhere & fighting his way out.
After visitation time was over, we hugged. He asked a counselor if he could walk me to the lobby, and he got an okay. We hugged again. He asked if I wanted him to call me later, and I told him he could if he wanted. I waved goodbye to the front-desk person on my way out & bid him a good day, and I walked on out to the car to be on my way. I left there feeling pretty good!
I hit up the supermarket on the way home and I stocked up on much needed food & supplies. It was nice to just leisurely stroll through the aisles. I treated myself to some yummy snacks (oooooh, banana nut cake & a candy bar, OM NOM NOM!) and some new gel shoe insoles, and I got myself some new "I don't want to look my age just yet" face lotion. As I expected, I got accosted by the dog when I got home - he is NOT used to being in the house by himself, and it'd been about 6 hours since I left. I probably should have been a bit less leisurely with those strolls through the supermarket aisles...that's a long time for an old dog with separation issues! Now that the furry old man has been "depressurized," he's resting peacefully in his crate.
And I'm feeling dayum good. My second night of sleep in a real bed was great. I feel recharged from the family-of meeting & meal before the visitation, and I am glad the visit itself went well & that AH seems to be on a good path. But I have to also remember that I need to keep moving forward on my journey. I can't be complacent because it was a good day. So tonight, I will rest, eat, relax, do a bit of cleaning, & plan my tomorrow.
Anywho, I'm really happy I went early for the family meeting time. I was actually the only one there for the first 10 minutes or so, but folks started to filter in. It was a nice, small group - only 6 of us total to see 4 family members in rehab.
I connected with another visitor (her husband isn't an A but was there for other addictions) - we were the only ones there who were spouses of addicts. We exchanged numbers & email addresses. She was so happy to meet a WIFE of an addict - said she'd been to many meetings where she was the only spouse of an addict, and it's just a different kind of pain and burden for spouses than it is for other family members. NOTE: I'm not saying our pain is greater than parents/siblings/etc of A's & other addicts...it's just different when you have to live with *that thing* that has taken over your spouse, your home, and your life.
It was so good to get to sit & chat with a counselor & to share my story & to hear from others. When I was telling my/AH's story, I mentioned that I realized if I wanted change then *I* needed to change if he wouldn't, I started to set some boundaries & actually stick with them, I needed to stop being codependent & an enabler, etc. The counselor was actually impressed & asked where I got those ideas & terms, lol! (Thanks for the edumacation, SR!) He glommed onto the idea of needing to change if the A doesn't & said that if we change, then it's practically impossible for the A to not change, that they respond to that change, etc. I'm not sure about the "practically impossible" part, but it was good to get some validation that I'm on the right track to making me healthier & doing the "right things."
The counselor did a daily reading from an Al Anon book before we broke for lunch. He briefed us before we went into the lunch room that our loved ones may be in there, but that we (the family-of folks) would be sitting together to continue chatting over lunch...if our loved ones came over, we could say a brief hi, but this was OUR time and he would gladly & politely set boundaries if need be. Well, moments after I walked into the lunch room, AH wandered over & tapped me on the shoulder as I was talking to my new-found friend, interrupting as she was in the middle of talking. I politely said something to the effect of "Hi, good to see ya, um, I'll see you in a bit, nkay?" and I went back to talking with her. It was empowering in one moment, and then I felt super-guilty in the next. I think I finally cycled back to feeling okay about it, lol!
We visiting folks had our meal together (I didn't realize just how hungry I was!), chatted some more, got another reading, and then the counselor whipped out his phone and was all, "okay, now let's see how easy it is to find you folks an Al-Anon meeting...I'm just going to google 'find meeting al anon!'" It was pretty funny. He was very much pro Al-Anon, encouraging us all to go to find some support and guidance on finding our peace and serenity.
Honestly, if I got to leave at that point & not even see AH, I would have been fulfilled and encouraged and fine! It's not that I didn't want to see him, it's just that it was that good to be able to feel support & hope. The meeting time with AH went pretty well, too. It was a little weird at first. We hugged and held each other in he hug for a while. I wished him a happy belated birthday. I haven't seen him in four days, and it feels like forever and yesterday all at the same time. The last day he drank was Monday, so this was his 5th day of sobriety. At one point, he said, "ugh, I look like sh*t...or maybe I have looked like this for a while and I just haven't been able to see it?!" To me, he looked way better than he has in a very long time. His shakiness was pretty minimal - I don't remember the last time I saw his hands that steady. He did keep spacing out a little - staring past me & out the window as I chatted with him, and I had to keep pulling him back in to focus. Being on day 5, he's past most of the worst withdrawal, but he's still sweaty & flushed & is certainly having some issues with focus still, and he will in all likelihood have those issues for a while as his body chemistry re-calibrates. We're both aware that it may be a long time before he feels close to normal again - we both did research on PAWS. (And my interwebs research tells me that DTs & severe withdrawal issues can still set in 7-10 days after the last drink, so he's not quite out of the woods yet, although I'm not obsessing or freaking out about it.)
One thing I found interesting was that he kept mentioning & comparing himself to other clients there. Talking about how this person is a heroin addict, that person has it bad, so and so got kicked out because they found him with a bag of dope, this group of people are gang-bangers, even pointing to another person there visiting with his family. I told him to stop pointing, stop being rude, we all have our challenges & it's difficult for each & every one of us in the building, clients & visitors alike, and we just need to focus on ourselves & our own struggles. That kinda shut him up & shut down that path of conversation - he even apologized and reached out to hold my hand & said he was sorry & that he knew it was hard for me too. He is making good progress, but he's obviously got a ways to go and isn't quite ready to stop looking at others & where they are rather than just looking inward to where he is in his journey.
We met for close to 2 hours. He updated me on what his days have been like, and I updated on what I've been up to. He asked me what we talked about in the family-of meeting time, and I just very nonchalantly said something like, "well, stuff, we shared our stories & whatnot." He seemed happy that I went & met with others who are also struggling with the weight of addicts in their lives. It was really good to see a glimpse of the real him and not the A. It's encouraging to know that he's still in there somewhere & fighting his way out.
After visitation time was over, we hugged. He asked a counselor if he could walk me to the lobby, and he got an okay. We hugged again. He asked if I wanted him to call me later, and I told him he could if he wanted. I waved goodbye to the front-desk person on my way out & bid him a good day, and I walked on out to the car to be on my way. I left there feeling pretty good!
I hit up the supermarket on the way home and I stocked up on much needed food & supplies. It was nice to just leisurely stroll through the aisles. I treated myself to some yummy snacks (oooooh, banana nut cake & a candy bar, OM NOM NOM!) and some new gel shoe insoles, and I got myself some new "I don't want to look my age just yet" face lotion. As I expected, I got accosted by the dog when I got home - he is NOT used to being in the house by himself, and it'd been about 6 hours since I left. I probably should have been a bit less leisurely with those strolls through the supermarket aisles...that's a long time for an old dog with separation issues! Now that the furry old man has been "depressurized," he's resting peacefully in his crate.
And I'm feeling dayum good. My second night of sleep in a real bed was great. I feel recharged from the family-of meeting & meal before the visitation, and I am glad the visit itself went well & that AH seems to be on a good path. But I have to also remember that I need to keep moving forward on my journey. I can't be complacent because it was a good day. So tonight, I will rest, eat, relax, do a bit of cleaning, & plan my tomorrow.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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It works when you work it!
Good job stopping the crazy train, it does work getting them to be responsible for themselves.
And about the friend you met, that's a good thing too, because it is kind of different, and you can talk about the crazy stupid things they do and they don't laugh at you or look at you like you are stupid, because they know exactly what you are talking about. I have a friend like that at work, and we have been friends for years, but the relationship she has with me is different because we talk about alcoholic husband/boyfriend things that would probably scare away everyone else at work. It's a unique support system.
Oh, and even though this may seem selfish, I want to say it. The 33 days my ABF (well, he was then) was in rehab were the most relaxing 33 days of our entire relationship, then and since. It was amazing. He worked on him, I worked on me, and we could only talk for a couple minutes twice a week so there wasn't enough time to get into arguments and whatnot. Amazing. Sometimes I wish he could go back so I could get that peace again...
Good job stopping the crazy train, it does work getting them to be responsible for themselves.
And about the friend you met, that's a good thing too, because it is kind of different, and you can talk about the crazy stupid things they do and they don't laugh at you or look at you like you are stupid, because they know exactly what you are talking about. I have a friend like that at work, and we have been friends for years, but the relationship she has with me is different because we talk about alcoholic husband/boyfriend things that would probably scare away everyone else at work. It's a unique support system.
Oh, and even though this may seem selfish, I want to say it. The 33 days my ABF (well, he was then) was in rehab were the most relaxing 33 days of our entire relationship, then and since. It was amazing. He worked on him, I worked on me, and we could only talk for a couple minutes twice a week so there wasn't enough time to get into arguments and whatnot. Amazing. Sometimes I wish he could go back so I could get that peace again...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like everyone is off to a good start!
I got attacks of the "spacies" and fog for two years after I got sober. They came less often and didn't last as long, but there were days when I simply could not focus. And it had nothing to do with anything at home (I lived alone--thankfully!), but just at work and stuff. Shopping was a nightmare because I couldn't seem to decide on anything--ordering in restaurants, ditto.
I found it helpful, when my first husband was newly sober, to stay as "loose" as I could. To choose my battles carefully. Sometimes there are things we have to insist on, but I let a lot of small stuff go. And I do think that helps both people. He won't have the tools for a while to behave the way he should all the time, but if he works his program he'll get there. A lot of times it boils down to whether I want to be right or whether I want to be happy. It doesn't mean being a doormat, but it does mean overlooking the small stuff.
I got attacks of the "spacies" and fog for two years after I got sober. They came less often and didn't last as long, but there were days when I simply could not focus. And it had nothing to do with anything at home (I lived alone--thankfully!), but just at work and stuff. Shopping was a nightmare because I couldn't seem to decide on anything--ordering in restaurants, ditto.
I found it helpful, when my first husband was newly sober, to stay as "loose" as I could. To choose my battles carefully. Sometimes there are things we have to insist on, but I let a lot of small stuff go. And I do think that helps both people. He won't have the tools for a while to behave the way he should all the time, but if he works his program he'll get there. A lot of times it boils down to whether I want to be right or whether I want to be happy. It doesn't mean being a doormat, but it does mean overlooking the small stuff.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Well, it's been a few days, and while I wish I had some giant personal progress to report, I'm still working it in baby steps, and the last week was a whirlwind.
Husband got his medical leave paperwork submitted, and that went fine, but then there was drama over whether he would be allowed to return to teach for the next academic year. While FMLA would ensure that he had a job when he got back from rehab, he doesn't have tenure yet, so contractually, he has to submit a retention portfolio annually & basically ask to come back next year. We thought that the leave would cover him, but I got a harried phone call from his department chair telling me that contractually, he hadn't requested to be "retained," so unless they heard from him, the university was assuming he didn't want to come back next academic year. EEEP! We had to really work hard to try to coordinate options to ensure that he had a job this fall. The good part was that there was a lot of support & help from his colleagues. The bad part was that it fell on me to coordinate & make sure the right paperwork could get submitted. It took many phone calls & emails between me, his chair, another colleague, and his counselors, but we got word late Friday that the president of the university had approved his request to basically skip his review this year & do it next academic year. HUGE sigh of relief.
Now part of me does see this as caretaking & whatnot, but it's in my own best interest to help ensure that there's still another salary coming into the household come September. It was stressful and distracting to say the least.
I did get to hang up my caretaker hat for a bit this weekend - my sister came to visit to help me out. She cooked, we ate, we cleaned, we shopped, we talked. She vacuumed and mopped (!) Saturday when I went in for a session with AH & his counselors. It wasn't a couples therapy session, but it felt like it at times. We focused on educating me on what he's doing there & the progress he's making, and also on his goals for moving forward - personally, professionally, in our relationship. Both AH & the counselors encouraged me to get the support *I* need and to set goals for myself. I have to say that working on me is the hardest part of all this. I've been doing what I have to do for so long that it's hard for me to even know what I want. But I've been working to set goals for myself and to make sure to focus more on taking care of myself.
I'm also having a bit of a hard time dealing with my parents, specifically my mom. She's encouraging and supportive one minute, and critical and a total downer the next. She was practically yelling at me on the phone today, saying that AH has to grow up and that I need to be selfish. While I agree that I need to focus more on me and take better care of myself as a whole person, I found myself in a defensive position and I didn't like it. We're going to be working to get better balance in our relationship, and selfishness isn't exactly what I think would be healthy. I know she's coming from a good place, but she's making it hard for me to just do what I need to do and not feel like I have to defend myself or AH. My parents also sent me money, when I asked them not to. They don't understand that AH is on medical leave & using sick time. When I said thank you but that it wasn't necessary & his paycheck should come through on the next round as usual, my mom reacted with a "SHOULD?!" Sigh. I'm trying to not let her negativity & criticism get to me, but it's hard.
So there you have it. Not a ton of progress, but still trying to move forward. Gonna keep trying to shake off the negativity & focus on the positives.
Husband got his medical leave paperwork submitted, and that went fine, but then there was drama over whether he would be allowed to return to teach for the next academic year. While FMLA would ensure that he had a job when he got back from rehab, he doesn't have tenure yet, so contractually, he has to submit a retention portfolio annually & basically ask to come back next year. We thought that the leave would cover him, but I got a harried phone call from his department chair telling me that contractually, he hadn't requested to be "retained," so unless they heard from him, the university was assuming he didn't want to come back next academic year. EEEP! We had to really work hard to try to coordinate options to ensure that he had a job this fall. The good part was that there was a lot of support & help from his colleagues. The bad part was that it fell on me to coordinate & make sure the right paperwork could get submitted. It took many phone calls & emails between me, his chair, another colleague, and his counselors, but we got word late Friday that the president of the university had approved his request to basically skip his review this year & do it next academic year. HUGE sigh of relief.
Now part of me does see this as caretaking & whatnot, but it's in my own best interest to help ensure that there's still another salary coming into the household come September. It was stressful and distracting to say the least.
I did get to hang up my caretaker hat for a bit this weekend - my sister came to visit to help me out. She cooked, we ate, we cleaned, we shopped, we talked. She vacuumed and mopped (!) Saturday when I went in for a session with AH & his counselors. It wasn't a couples therapy session, but it felt like it at times. We focused on educating me on what he's doing there & the progress he's making, and also on his goals for moving forward - personally, professionally, in our relationship. Both AH & the counselors encouraged me to get the support *I* need and to set goals for myself. I have to say that working on me is the hardest part of all this. I've been doing what I have to do for so long that it's hard for me to even know what I want. But I've been working to set goals for myself and to make sure to focus more on taking care of myself.
I'm also having a bit of a hard time dealing with my parents, specifically my mom. She's encouraging and supportive one minute, and critical and a total downer the next. She was practically yelling at me on the phone today, saying that AH has to grow up and that I need to be selfish. While I agree that I need to focus more on me and take better care of myself as a whole person, I found myself in a defensive position and I didn't like it. We're going to be working to get better balance in our relationship, and selfishness isn't exactly what I think would be healthy. I know she's coming from a good place, but she's making it hard for me to just do what I need to do and not feel like I have to defend myself or AH. My parents also sent me money, when I asked them not to. They don't understand that AH is on medical leave & using sick time. When I said thank you but that it wasn't necessary & his paycheck should come through on the next round as usual, my mom reacted with a "SHOULD?!" Sigh. I'm trying to not let her negativity & criticism get to me, but it's hard.
So there you have it. Not a ton of progress, but still trying to move forward. Gonna keep trying to shake off the negativity & focus on the positives.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds to me like things are going OK. I dunno, I think I would have done the same thing as you with the contract thing. It's one thing to be doing it if he were drinking his brains out and "forgot", but it sounds as if he's trying to be responsible and this was something unexpected that needed to be handled. I'd make it a mental note that this is a one-shot deal, though.
Your mom means well, too, and I can tell that you see that. Just thank her and assure her you are taking good care of yourself. Let any perceived "criticism" roll off you. It only needs to get to you if you allow it to.
Your mom means well, too, and I can tell that you see that. Just thank her and assure her you are taking good care of yourself. Let any perceived "criticism" roll off you. It only needs to get to you if you allow it to.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Unfortunately, this "one shot deal" just keeps going. Yesterday, I was being asked to relay more messages from colleagues + one new issue to deal with - an offer for him to just do research instead of teach when he returns, question about his course content from the person subbing for him, and his email password is not working anymore (I had to keep an eye out for responses on the request he submitted last week to retain his job this fall). I passed the info to him last night and told him that it's hard for me to get stuck in the middle playing telephone like this, and he told me not to worry about it and that he would take care of it. Not sure how he's going to do that without his email, but at this point, there's nothing I can do and it's his problem to try to fix. I do wonder if the IT folks did something to his account now that he's on leave - I work in IT another university, and I've seen that type of thing happen. What I am most concerned about is that his email password is his overall work system password, so now I can't log in to make sure that he is actually getting his next paycheck. Sigh.
As for me, I didn't sleep well or much last night and I'm pooped today. I'm a bit frustrated on the Al Anon front - I wanted to try a meeting in a non-churchy location, but there are few options there. One is in an area that I know & that's not too far, but it's a "literature" meeting - what the heck is that?! Anywho, my main priority is that the meeting be in a safe area, since I'll be coming home by myself and don't want to be wandering about to my car at night in an area I don't trust. I'm going to have to map out the different locations.
As for me, I didn't sleep well or much last night and I'm pooped today. I'm a bit frustrated on the Al Anon front - I wanted to try a meeting in a non-churchy location, but there are few options there. One is in an area that I know & that's not too far, but it's a "literature" meeting - what the heck is that?! Anywho, my main priority is that the meeting be in a safe area, since I'll be coming home by myself and don't want to be wandering about to my car at night in an area I don't trust. I'm going to have to map out the different locations.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
A "non-churchy" location? The location of the meeting has NOTHING to do with the content. A meeting held in the basement of a Catholic church is not going to have a Catholic flavor to it. Churches traditionally host AA and Al-Anon meetings as a service, and the groups pay rent to the churches for use of the room. That is the ONLY connection--one of landlord/tenant.
Literature meetings are great. Literature meetings involve reading from Al-Anon literature (which I suggest you get--many meetings have books for sale and you can also order online), and discussion applying the readings to your own lives.
As for safety, any place that has a lot (such as a church) is safe. People tend to come and go in groups.
I would say to the work colleagues that he really is not available at this time to help with work problems. They will manage. It isn't that long.
Literature meetings are great. Literature meetings involve reading from Al-Anon literature (which I suggest you get--many meetings have books for sale and you can also order online), and discussion applying the readings to your own lives.
As for safety, any place that has a lot (such as a church) is safe. People tend to come and go in groups.
I would say to the work colleagues that he really is not available at this time to help with work problems. They will manage. It isn't that long.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Thanks, Lexie. Given the turn my attitude has taken this week, I know I need to hit a meeting and get some support, churchy or not!
These last few days have been tough on me. I came to the realizations that I am completely overwhelmed and I am not doing a damn thing to actively get better. I have to change that.
I told my mom yesterday to not freak out if she called and I wasn't home tonight - I ended up being too tired to do anything this evening, but she hasn't called, and I have to say that it's nice to get an evening off from talking to her. I feel a little guilty saying that, but I needed the break. I know she'll call tomorrow, and she'll ask what I did, and I'll say that I ended up staying in, and she'll be upset that *I* didn't call *her* but I really don't care right now! Like I said, I needed the break. I'll deal with the fallout tomorrow.
I also told AH to NOT come home this weekend on a pass from rehab. That was hard. He was offered a pass to do, well, whatever he wanted for a few hours. (Sidenote: I find it odd that this option was given to him when he's just barely over 2 weeks sober...especially considering he was declined a pass for Thursday night to go hit an off-site AA meeting due to his "craving log.") He offered to come home for a bit or to go to an Al Anon meeting with me so that I wouldn't have to go alone. I told him I couldn't handle him coming home for a few hours - I'd be too worked up and just babysit him the whole time. I also need to go to an Al Anon meeting on my own. He offered to just sit outside & wait for me, but I declined. I just can't handle it right now. And I need some weekend time for me.
My plan this weekend is to go to the "family of" meeting at his rehab center tomorrow, visit with him for a bit, and then spend the rest of the weekend on me. The condo is still in pretty clean shape thanks to my sister's cleaning spree visit last weekend, so I just need to do a little upkeep. I want to actually go to a movie. I want to go to an Al Anon meeting. I want to crochet. I also need to do some things, like check on bills & take care of some condo association stuff, but I will try to keep those things to a minimum. I feel like I need to be in a healthier place in so many ways, and no one is going to get me there but me.
For tonight, I had dinner already, so I'm just going to have a snack, walk the dog, maybe plan out the crochet project I want to start this weekend, and get a good night's sleep. I sure as hell could use the break from the self-imposed craziness, and the rest will hopefully let me look at things with a clearer mind.
These last few days have been tough on me. I came to the realizations that I am completely overwhelmed and I am not doing a damn thing to actively get better. I have to change that.
I told my mom yesterday to not freak out if she called and I wasn't home tonight - I ended up being too tired to do anything this evening, but she hasn't called, and I have to say that it's nice to get an evening off from talking to her. I feel a little guilty saying that, but I needed the break. I know she'll call tomorrow, and she'll ask what I did, and I'll say that I ended up staying in, and she'll be upset that *I* didn't call *her* but I really don't care right now! Like I said, I needed the break. I'll deal with the fallout tomorrow.
I also told AH to NOT come home this weekend on a pass from rehab. That was hard. He was offered a pass to do, well, whatever he wanted for a few hours. (Sidenote: I find it odd that this option was given to him when he's just barely over 2 weeks sober...especially considering he was declined a pass for Thursday night to go hit an off-site AA meeting due to his "craving log.") He offered to come home for a bit or to go to an Al Anon meeting with me so that I wouldn't have to go alone. I told him I couldn't handle him coming home for a few hours - I'd be too worked up and just babysit him the whole time. I also need to go to an Al Anon meeting on my own. He offered to just sit outside & wait for me, but I declined. I just can't handle it right now. And I need some weekend time for me.
My plan this weekend is to go to the "family of" meeting at his rehab center tomorrow, visit with him for a bit, and then spend the rest of the weekend on me. The condo is still in pretty clean shape thanks to my sister's cleaning spree visit last weekend, so I just need to do a little upkeep. I want to actually go to a movie. I want to go to an Al Anon meeting. I want to crochet. I also need to do some things, like check on bills & take care of some condo association stuff, but I will try to keep those things to a minimum. I feel like I need to be in a healthier place in so many ways, and no one is going to get me there but me.
For tonight, I had dinner already, so I'm just going to have a snack, walk the dog, maybe plan out the crochet project I want to start this weekend, and get a good night's sleep. I sure as hell could use the break from the self-imposed craziness, and the rest will hopefully let me look at things with a clearer mind.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If you're gonna hit a movie, I highly recommend "Les Miz" if you haven't seen it yet. I finally got around to it a couple of weeks ago, and it was GREAT. I've seen the play twice (once on Broadway). I always find live theater more exciting, but this was a terrific adaptation.
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Well, I ended up with a raging headache today, bleh. The day started well enough - got up, walked the dog, made myself some coffee & toast. I was doing some paperwork-type chores when mom called, and she was giving me unsolicited advice (regarding the conference I mentioned on my other thread). My sister had mentioned it to her, and mom just went to town on telling me that I should go...when I didn't ask her. I held my ground as best as I could and told her that I stressed enough about it, that I have a good half dozen reasons that give me pause about going, that I wanted to just focus on me this weekend, and that Monday I would just decide what felt right. I told her that this weekend I was going to try to do mostly things for me and a few things I have to do. She replied with a very sharp and questioning (and nearly accusatory), "Like what?!" Sigh. I brushed her off and told her there was just some stuff I had to do around the house. I know she means well, but I feel like she keeps derailing me. She kept at trying to tell me what to do about this conference thing, and I finally just told her that I didn't want to talk about it anymore and again told her that I had already stressed enough and would just do what felt right. I got fed up. Realizing that I was done with her bringing me down & stressing me out further, and also realizing that I had to get moving to do what I wanted & needed to do today, I totally used having to walk the dog as an excuse to get off the phone and escape the conversation! (Thank you, furry old man, you're getting an extra belly rub tonight!
)
Anywho...I went to the "family-of" session before visiting with AH today, and it was not as healing as I had hoped. Due to the phone call from mom and some bad traffic on the way there, I arrived a little late and missed out on "sharing time" with the other two significant others that had showed up for the session. We chatted a bit and were all looking to the counselor for some guidance on how to deal with what we fear most - when the A comes home. One of the other women even said that when she asked about it in a private session with her A & another counselor, the counselor punted to the family session counselor. Unfortunately, he didn't have much solid advice to offer than to tell us to go to Al Anon & ask the "brain trust" of other people there. Sigh. Not that I was expecting some magical answer, but in all honesty, I'm getting tired of "go to Al Anon" being the answer to so many questions and I was hoping to get some guidance and, well, counseling from the counselor!
On a good note, I got a pretty yummy lunch in my belly while there today!
I also had a good chat with my husband. He's worried about me and is encouraging me to make sure to take care of me. He went through some of the work he's doing and really seems to be doing well. Physically, he looks good and so much more like himself than he has in years. He's not bloated or blotchy or sweaty or shaky. We talked a bit about how to handle things when he comes home. He realized that he's been leaning on me too much (both before he entered rehab and during the first couple weeks of rehab when I was coordinating all that work stuff for him) and wants to not have the focus only on him and his recovery. We talked about actually getting out of the house and DOING things together when he gets home. I had suggested that we volunteer for a dog rescue organization, and he's all for it. All good-sounding things. I'm reservedly optimistic, and I told him that I am not worried about him while he's there but that I am worried about when he is out of there & how I will be and how I will try to balance being supportive and taking care of myself. We came to no AHA! moments, but we agreed that once he's home, we should have a daily check-in with each other to openly chat about how we're both doing. He also gave me a handout on good communication in a relationship - active listening, sharing, truthful expression of feelings, etc. Nice to know that he realizes we need to work on communicating openly & honestly if we're going to make any progress moving forward and if we're going to be able to help support each other on our own paths.
I hit the supermarket on the way home and picked up some yummies for the week, along with some more pampering items for myself. I really haven't taken good care of myself in so so long, and I've gotten so, I guess, non-girly that I don't have the stash of girly "feeling purdy" products that most other ladies out there have, so I picked up some good lotions & whatnots on clearance today. I even picked up makeup removal/cleansing cloths to get rid of my last excuse to not put on makeup! I may actually *GASP* use some of the makeup I have tomorrow!
So now I'm back home again and while I'm definitely not feeling great physically with this stupid lingering headache, I'm feeling a little better emotionally and feel like I'm in at least a slightly better place in my own head. I still have a ton of work to do, but I feel hopeless today. Still feeling overwhelmed, but a little less so at the moment.
Since my noggin is still a-pounding, I'm going to have a date night with myself at home this evening. The movie I wanted to see is actually available on demand (hooray for digital releases of film festival flicks!), so I'm going to nosh on fatty comfort foods & snacks & popcorn and curl up with the dog to watch the movie.
Tomorrow, I'm finally biting the bullet & hitting an Al Anon meeting - looks like there are two for me to choose from at 11am in a 3-4 mile radius...one happens to be where AH was going to his AAAA meetings (when he went). I'm curious, apprehensive, still overwhelmed, frustrated, and a whole bunch of other emotions, but I'm hopeful that I will feel better after getting off my duff and after having taken a real step towards doing something for my recovery.
)Anywho...I went to the "family-of" session before visiting with AH today, and it was not as healing as I had hoped. Due to the phone call from mom and some bad traffic on the way there, I arrived a little late and missed out on "sharing time" with the other two significant others that had showed up for the session. We chatted a bit and were all looking to the counselor for some guidance on how to deal with what we fear most - when the A comes home. One of the other women even said that when she asked about it in a private session with her A & another counselor, the counselor punted to the family session counselor. Unfortunately, he didn't have much solid advice to offer than to tell us to go to Al Anon & ask the "brain trust" of other people there. Sigh. Not that I was expecting some magical answer, but in all honesty, I'm getting tired of "go to Al Anon" being the answer to so many questions and I was hoping to get some guidance and, well, counseling from the counselor!
On a good note, I got a pretty yummy lunch in my belly while there today!
I also had a good chat with my husband. He's worried about me and is encouraging me to make sure to take care of me. He went through some of the work he's doing and really seems to be doing well. Physically, he looks good and so much more like himself than he has in years. He's not bloated or blotchy or sweaty or shaky. We talked a bit about how to handle things when he comes home. He realized that he's been leaning on me too much (both before he entered rehab and during the first couple weeks of rehab when I was coordinating all that work stuff for him) and wants to not have the focus only on him and his recovery. We talked about actually getting out of the house and DOING things together when he gets home. I had suggested that we volunteer for a dog rescue organization, and he's all for it. All good-sounding things. I'm reservedly optimistic, and I told him that I am not worried about him while he's there but that I am worried about when he is out of there & how I will be and how I will try to balance being supportive and taking care of myself. We came to no AHA! moments, but we agreed that once he's home, we should have a daily check-in with each other to openly chat about how we're both doing. He also gave me a handout on good communication in a relationship - active listening, sharing, truthful expression of feelings, etc. Nice to know that he realizes we need to work on communicating openly & honestly if we're going to make any progress moving forward and if we're going to be able to help support each other on our own paths. I hit the supermarket on the way home and picked up some yummies for the week, along with some more pampering items for myself. I really haven't taken good care of myself in so so long, and I've gotten so, I guess, non-girly that I don't have the stash of girly "feeling purdy" products that most other ladies out there have, so I picked up some good lotions & whatnots on clearance today. I even picked up makeup removal/cleansing cloths to get rid of my last excuse to not put on makeup! I may actually *GASP* use some of the makeup I have tomorrow!
So now I'm back home again and while I'm definitely not feeling great physically with this stupid lingering headache, I'm feeling a little better emotionally and feel like I'm in at least a slightly better place in my own head. I still have a ton of work to do, but I feel hopeless today. Still feeling overwhelmed, but a little less so at the moment.
Since my noggin is still a-pounding, I'm going to have a date night with myself at home this evening. The movie I wanted to see is actually available on demand (hooray for digital releases of film festival flicks!), so I'm going to nosh on fatty comfort foods & snacks & popcorn and curl up with the dog to watch the movie.
Tomorrow, I'm finally biting the bullet & hitting an Al Anon meeting - looks like there are two for me to choose from at 11am in a 3-4 mile radius...one happens to be where AH was going to his AAAA meetings (when he went). I'm curious, apprehensive, still overwhelmed, frustrated, and a whole bunch of other emotions, but I'm hopeful that I will feel better after getting off my duff and after having taken a real step towards doing something for my recovery.
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